Had a decent day... I declined the ideal of trying again now, as I want her to be in it 100%... I'm not pressuring her anymore... she basically thinks she will come back... but needs time, however in the meantime she would like to do stuff together... not everyday, just a few times a week... I'm not going to chat about us anymore... just hang out... in the meantime I will also think about everything...

It's tough to let go, even for her... if she wanted to and was sure, she would have cut immediately...

It is an emotional rollercoaster, but I am also learning through this...

I do love her, and she probably feels the same...

She will see a stronger person from now on...

She may come back, she may not... but at least I have tried and told her I want her back and I want to try to work it out...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by amicon

sadly there are some things that should not be fixed.do you want to be doing this in 6 months time? A year?next decade?let it go.

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I agree... but I do care for her... and if she decided to come back, I would like to try... maybe it will work, maybe it won't... but why not try one last time...

There is a strong possibility she will not come back... but I am prepared to risk it...

Let's see how the next week pans out...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Captain

You are right to a certain extent....I put down "It's all my fault" in the title, as it is just that.....It's not for self-pity....I am angry and annoyed at myself.....yes we had arguments and were not getting along.....my mistake was that she went on holiday, I was due to go and see her after a week...I did not (stupid, listening to others etc...) she then stayed an extra week...her mum and family kept her warm and she made a decision.....
Perhaps I would have gone to visit her and we would have been fine on holiday as we always are and then back to reality and more issues...who knows....that regret and the fact that I was not a good boyfriend to her I regret massively....but it's done.

Yes she is concerned....but I want her back, it's as simple as that....however I know it's going to be near impossible...as I want her to come back because she wants to come back...I know if I spend a week with her...it will be fine....when we see eachother you can feel the emotion, the intensity.....she knows this and wants to avoid it....

I know myself....I know why I made the mistakes I did, and I know that I can avoid them in future.....however to be frank...if I tell her the reasons....she will not come back.....

I'm not not eating (excuse the double negative) because I want her to feel pity etc...I genuinely can't........I will get over this.....by cutting contact......the real fear I have is seeing her with someone else......as then there probably is no coming back, even if she realises for herself that the feelings she had with me, she can't have with anyone else......

You can work on problems, you can improve bad traits etc.....you can't work on feelings...it's either there or it's not.......I have been out with many many girls......for me it's all about feelings and with her, it's the ultimate.....

I will do the councilling.....last time, I had no excuse to any of the issues raised.....I thought it would help me....but it made me see all my wrong doings...hard to take...

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Yes,its hard to come to terms with one's ownself,one's own mistakes and bad traits.Especially when you realise that all of that has cost you the one thing you ever wanted in life.I know that feeling too well since I have been there,trust me.

All my realisations/learnings in life have come after I have lost something or someone important.So you could say,I've been there and done that:)... you could say I am a tough student who refuses to learn her lessons till she's burnt herself:)

It becomes all the more difficult to actually then own up and take stock,admit,face up,etc etc,in short do all the things one needs to do to take the learning from the entire experience.I believe,there are stages of learning from an experience.The first stage is most definitely the "going through"phase,of feeling the entire gamut of feelings possible,the hurt,the pain,the denial etc etc... its like draining yourself inside out with those feelings to the extent that all you feel after that is numbness.

Then starts the "getting on or moving on"phase,where you begin the uphill task of learning,analysing,counselling(if reqd)... of course phases come in circles,sometimes you feel down and just don't think you can make it.It really depends on each individual.

Moral of the story still is,you just got to keep walking Captain,you just have to keep moving,learning and growing.I have learned one thing the hard way.Theres always reason and purpose behind everything that happens to everyone.Sometimes we can't see it because we are too blinded by emotions.Sometimes its right there underneath our nose.

Take your lesson from this and focus only on yourself.Being selfish here is required;)You never know what life has in store for you,so keep yourself ready for that:)

All the very best.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Starry nights

Yes,its hard to come to terms with one's ownself,one's own mistakes and bad traits.Especially when you realise that all of that has cost you the one thing you ever wanted in life.I know that feeling too well since I have been there,trust me.

All my realisations/learnings in life have come after I have lost something or someone important.So you could say,I've been there and done that:)......you could say I am a tough student who refuses to learn her lessons till she's burnt herself:)

It becomes all the more difficult to actually then own up and take stock,admit,face up,etc etc,in short do all the things one needs to do to take the learning from the entire experience.I believe,there are stages of learning from an experience.The first stage is most definitely the "going through"phase,of feeling the entire gamut of feelings possible,the hurt,the pain,the denial etc etc...............its like draining yourself inside out with those feelings to the extent that all you feel after that is numbness.

Then starts the "getting on or moving on"phase,where you begin the uphill task of learning,analysing,counselling(if reqd).........of course phases come in circles,sometimes you feel down and just dont think you can make it.It really depends on each individual.

Moral of the story still is,you just got to keep walking Captain,you just have to keep moving,learning and growing.I have learned one thing the hard way.Theres always reason and purpose behind everything that happens to everyone.Sometimes we can't see it cos we are too blinded by emotions.Sometimes its right there underneath our nose.

Take your lesson from this and focus only on yourself.Being selfish here is required;)You never know what life has in store for you,so keep yourself ready for that:)

All the very best.

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Thank you for this... you are absolutely right... during the last 6 months, I have been very difficult, arrogant... and not nice... I am trying to find reasons... I think I have found some... I made one crucial mistake (it's a mistake if she does not come back, but a fantastic decision if she comes back)... I decided not to join her on holiday, which upset her... in hindsight with how I am feeling these days, I should have gone as it would have been a nice holiday, but things would have been as they were upon our return... however on the phone in that period, I spoke to her and said it was a mistake, I have not been a good boyfriend and I want to change etc... I was shocked that she took the decision to not want to be with me anymore... however by not going there, I have realised the errors of my ways and want to TRY to fix and TRY to compromise...

I'm not letting go, because there is no need at present for NC, as I think there is a chance she will come back... she thinks she will, she can't not see me... I was speaking to my mum a lot... who end of the day, whatever is your age, she knows you the best and has good advise... last night after 2 nice days together, I kept pushing for her to come back and she would get annoyed and say, I'm not ready yet etc... and as an idiot I got annoyed and said I can't take this anymore etc... and stormed out... spoke to my mum who said... don't be foolish... be patient... if she did not want to come back, she would have cut immediately... go out with her as you have been doing, but don't push anymore... you will see that with time... she will become attached again... so I'm going down this route... yes it may delay my recovery... though it hurts... I did instigate this whoe thing... so maybe it's for the right reasons...

Everything happens for a reason, even when to us it looks bad and not nice... it might be a gift in the long horizon...

So I called her last night, apologised for my outburts, explained that it's not easy... but will give her the time, still see her (gym tonight) and see how it goes... she will have company with her dad for a few days and then her mum's friend is visiting for the wknd... after that it's as you were... so fingers crossed...

I'm not a bad person, I make mistakes... not grave ones (I don't cheat, I don't lie, I'm not abusive)... I'm just difficult, only child etc... but I want to learn and improve and compromise... as I can't be selfish all my life, as I will end up alone...

So let's see how this goes...

Update...

Well 2 weeks down the line... and today is the 2nd day of NC for me... in the past 2 weeks... we have been seeing each other etc... and she wants to continue to hang out a few times a week... but this would have made it easier for her to break-off completely...
I am actually much stronger these past few days as I have almost done my grieving... so when I asked her to come back and she again said she is not ready etc... I no longer get emotional...
It's not nice, it's really difficult and is very painful... if only I had gone to visit her... this would never have happened... anyhow... I'll keep you updated!
Thanks for the advice, just difficult to accept and I still can't fully accept it, though dealing with it better.

Good to hear that you ve started the N C-its for you.stick to it. Keep us posted. Good luck.

Thought I should give an update on this...

From the end of August to the middle of September... it just continued with us seeing each other, as I thought there was still a chance to get back properly... but every time I said, what do you think now... she would say... I'm still not ready... anyway I got annoyed one time and I just walked out and cut contact. Anyway 2 weeks later she e-mailed me asking me for a favour... I have a concierge in my apartment block, so I leave my key with the concierge for the cleaning lady, she does not have one, but she wanted to use my cleaning lady so she asked me if she could leave the key in my flat... I responded by saying yes on this occasion, but she should think of alternatives going forwards... she did not respond... 2 weeks later another e-mail asking for the remainder of her clothes... I was actually going away to LA from London to visit my mother and to get away the following day, so I said she can pick them up now or wait... where she then enquired about where I was going, to which I replied... abroad...
When I got back at the end of September... I e-mailed her to arrange to pick up her clothes... she said tomorrow, so I said fine... I will leave them (just one box) with the concierge, as I did not want to see her... too sad for me...
She picked them up and then next day e-mailed me saying that it was childish for me to have left them downstairs etc... to which I replied, I did not have any choice as I was too sad to see her... she then admitted that her behaviour and the way she broke up was "disgusting"... so we had one day of e-mail exchanges where I tried one last time to ask her to come back... as I deserved this opportunity etc... she said that she did at one point decide to come back, but then realised it would not work etc... and that she will never forget me... anyway that was it...

It's been one month now for me of "NC"... We use the same tube station, gym and thankfully I have not bumped into her... I'm gradually getting over her... but as in the past every time there is contact, it knocks me back a few weeks! I have been out, got into my work... going back to LA and Vegas in a few weeks...
But I still think about her... but less...
I partyed a lot over the past few weekends, trying to do what I did in my single life... had a couple of One night stands... I thought I would feel better... but not really, as I compare them to her... and makes me feel worse...

It really does take time... I have mainly good days, but I do have the occasional bad day... I suppose I will get over her... just wish it was immediate...

I'm dreading bumping into her... I think if it happens in a club or bar, then I'll just walk out... I'm not ready to see her with another guy... in the tube or gym... then I think a polite hello and then move on...

I also think part of my sadness is my ego being hurt... the fact that she decided to break-up, even though I had initiated it and was thinking about it, before I regretted it... and also the fact that she could be with someone else... just hurts a little...

But NC is the way forward, I'm much better than I was a month ago...

Thanks for everyone's help and advice...

NC will help you get over this.
Sadly sometimes things just don't work out and we must move on.

Well my ex broke up with me back in the August... it was a prolonged break up, I began NC at the end of August and then she sent me an email in October... so I began communication, but she still did not want to come back... so I cut again. Anyhow, I kept myself busy, dated a few girls... which was not a great idea as I would compare and it would make me sad.
Everyday I began to think less of her and pretty much thought I was over it in January. I bumped into her by chance in February... and I was not prepared... I looked a little uncomfortable... anyhow it was brief 2 minutes... a month later I get a text from her, saying:

"weird seeing you, you appeared scared of me, just wanted to see how you are, big hug....xx"

I did not reply... and I'm moving on, enjoying myself... but the other day, I was curious so I looked her up in Facebook and saw some pictures... just of her and female friends... and thought, wow she looks so nice... did I make a big mistake... etc...

So have been down for a day or so...

Is this normal... I'm moving on, but curiosity got the better of me and I had to look... and now I regret...

Any ideas.

Well my ex broke up with me back in the August... it was a prolonged break up, I began NC at the end of August and then she sent me an email in October... so I began communication, but she still did not want to come back... so I cut again. Anyhow, I kept myself busy, dated a few girls... which was not a great idea as I would compare and it would make me sad.
Everyday I began to think less of her and pretty much thought I was over it in January. I bumped into her by chance in February... and I was not prepared... I looked a little uncomfortable... anyhow it was brief 2 minutes... a month later I get a text from her, saying:

"weird seeing you, you appeared scared of me, just wanted to see how you are, big hug....xx"

I did not reply... and I'm moving on, enjoying myself... but the other day, I was curious so I looked her up in Facebook and saw some pictures... just of her and female friends... and thought, wow she looks so nice... did I make a big mistake... etc...

So have been down for a day or so...

Is this normal... I'm moving on, but curiosity got the better of me and I had to look... and now I regret...

Any ideas.

Yeah it's normal. I have an ex, three exes. I did NC with all of them. The third one I have a child with so I talk to him ever so often, but I don't miss him, he's a jerk. Anyway.. the other two, I did do NC with all the way, there were a couple times where I see them, whether it was on the web or in person. A part of me was like "why didn't I stay with them?" "why don't we work things out?" "why.. blah blah blah".

I can be friends with them, but I choose not to because I like to keep my life as uncomplicated as I can.

My opinion is, is to either:
a) contact her through Facebook, add her as a friend and start talking to her again. But don't go and start imagining you two being together again.. take it slow.

b) Like me, just keep moving on with your life and keep the past in the past.

Good luck to you :)

Remember what your going through is normal!

See it as a bump in the road,and your feelings of possible regret and wondering what if are normal.

Keep moving on and stay off her Facebook.

Hey man, whatever your curiosity you are feeling, its not worth the pain you feel after. Seeing her hurts you, so why would you want to open that old wound. She is history and you said it yourself she doesn't want to come back, don't even think about being friends with her it would only hurt you more and make it hard for you to move on. Just do what you were doing and move on.

I don't want to get back together, too much time has passed and knowing both of us, what we each did in the past 6 months would be too difficult and painful to deal with.

I really felt that I was getting over her... but I suppose all of this is normal and expected. Sometimes think why has she got in contact... in hindsight I should have cut immediately once I she told me she did not want to try anymore back in August... and I suppose the 2 times she contacted me were so that she could feel that the door was still open... just my gut feeling... I gave in the first time, but learnt my lesson on the 2nd occasion. Amazing how in time one gets stronger... but I was a little surprised at the fact that I got sad... I suppose I have been on my own the past 2 weeks... so could be that.
And why is it that she looks so much more attractive now to me, than before... and why do I think of all the good times... what a world.

I will try to refrain from being curious and looking her up on FB.
Thanks again

An Update:

Well on April 29th, I received a Facebook message notification by email; it was from my ex. It read:

"Hey....I'm quite upset that we have ended up like 2 strangers....why do you hate me so much xx"

I ignored her last message which was by text sever months before this one...

Firsty this message was sent a day before my birthday, the day before I was going on holiday from London to LA... so I was in a good mood... and did not care about her message... I assumed that the fact she is mailing me is possibly due to her missing me, wanting me back... testing the water etc... anyway... my life was great and is still is... but recently I have been dating a girl... and she just does not compare to my ex.. and have recently been a little sad... that perhaps I should have replied to her... maybe she wanted back... surely she must have been single, as why would she be thinking about me etc...

Anyway this was 10 weeks ago...

Why do you think she messaged me like that?
Will I ever get over he completely? 100%?

Thanks,
A

No you may never get over her completely but you can cope with the emotions the out of the blue contact makes you feel, and not let it affect you or the relationship your in now. That's not a good way to cope when you start comparing people simply because they are on your mind again suddenly. That's a distraction you don't need, so focus, and appreciate what you have now, not on what you had yesterday, and let those old stirred up feelings from the past settle back down.

They will pass if you don't hold on to them.

Holding on to the past is not what makes us move forward. Let it go Captain,it's in your past.

It's just that... with time (it's been a year)... you think a lot. I moved on in terms of getting on with my life 4 months after the break-up... my work has got busy and I have progressed there... things are fine. I have dated girls again... so back to normal in terms of my life... just I do think about her on occasion... and when she sent me a message in April... I dismissed it... more out of pride... as I really suffered in the break-up, so for her to be upset that we are strangers... was a bit of silly mail.
Just now... thinking back... perhaps it was her way of trying to communicate and maybe get back.
Even during the break-up, she was not so sure... it was her mum who made her strong enough to do it... she always felt it she was making a mistake... but she did it anyway...
Anyway, don't get me wrong... I have moved on... just I'm an old romantic, believe in destiny etc... and if she is meant for me she will return, be it in 1 month, a year... 5 years etc... just don't want to miss out if she is reaching out...
Anyway I won't be contacting her...
Just wanted to pick your brains to the reason why she would contact out of the blue with the message and with kisses etc...

She might have been thinking of you because it was your birthday. I often think of my exes on certain dates - birthdays, anniversaries. That doesn't mean I want to get back with them. It's just some pleasant memories.

Another thing to realize is that often your memories do become pleasant over time. It's difficult to compare a memory to a current relationship where you are dealing with getting to know someone, and having some ups and downs.

Just also wanted to put forth a suggestion.If you feel you would like to know why she sent you that message and something which you feel is really bugging you,then its always advisable to just ASK her.It could be something like,"Would like to understand what you have in mind by sending this message" or something like "Too much has happened with us in the past.Lets carry on with our lives unless there is something specific you would like to talk about"... anything that's direct yet restrained,mature and calm.You want to know what's up,you are curious for ols time's sake, but you're certainly not desperate or have any deeper intention than that.

I say this only because I feel,from your post,that you are attaching importance to her message.If it didn't matter to you or affect you apart from casual curiosity,I would have suggested no-contact.

After one of my break-ups,I went completely NC,like I always do.And by NC I mean a complete lock-down,switch-off.This guy tried to get in touch with me numerous times and sometimes it took everything I had to not reach out,just because I was very sure I did not want him back in my life.

I am better equipped today to face him and know that if there is such a situation I will react with the maturity and calmness I have learnt to acquire along the way.I know that if it honestly is "meant to be",then it can't just be a casual message on Facebook or a "Hi,whats up" text on my mobile.If I have to be convinced "This is it",then it would require more than a text or a message,from the other end.I am as sure about this as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.Nothing short of the "Real Deal",the real kind of reaching out,communication,the real vibes will move me to even think about anything the other person does.I am that clear about this in my head.Hence,in my context,all the texts,messages,scribbles on networking sites meant/mean ZILCH and I don't even spend a minute pondering what's behind it all.If a person can text me or scribble to me,he can also call me/e-mail his point of view to me,talk to me directly and convince me.

I was just sharing my ideas with you,so that you get the drift.Rest is,how you think about the whole thing.Bottomline,you've worked a lot on yourself the past so many months,don't throw it all away.All the best.