Ask Me Help Desk - Just been dumped after 3 pretty good years... nc not possible at this time, any advice

Yea I am working on getting the credits... the whole car thing is another issue. I got a charge for driving without insurance in high school and hae a hefty fine to pay before I can even think about driving again. I just am so upset that I never took care of all my problems during our relationship, and now I'm left to face it alone. I hate the lack of progression on both our parts, partly why I'm trying to get in the forces. Get out, see the world, and make some real money so I CAN take care of these fines, etc. I donno why tonight sucks so bad...

Another thing that just happened:
Recently after the break up I re established contact with a friend ( a girl) from grade school. She has been a nice support system through out tw break up, but lately she has been putting thoughts in my head of there being someone else that my ex is seeing. Even if there is, nothing I can do about it but still I don't need those thoughts in my head, at all. Also, this girl has her own boyfriend of 2 years, but constantly flirts with me, asks me to comment on her Facebook pics, sends me 50 texts a day, it's starting to get a bit too much. If I ignore her texts, she keeps them coming and eventually lays down a guilt trip. I don't need this right now! I told her to back off tonight, but I feel bad even about that because other than her suggestions of another guy, she has listened to me vent over and over. I made a mess of tonight my friends. Feels good to come here and vent though.. thanks for reading

So long as you have a plan for your future and stick to it,that's all good.

As for the other girl,it seems she has some sort of hidden agenda,so telling her to back off was the right thing to do.

Tell her again if need be.

All right amicon, that makes me feel a bit better. Once I'm done here and I have a few weeks before the new job starts I'm going to work hard on those courses, see my friends, and do everything I can to keep busy. I still have a hard time wrestling with the fact that a girl who seemed to love me so much can throw 3 years away and not be phased... I guess it helps if the dumper has it planned out already. Will update whenever there's new developments

Ps... whatever happened to sneezy? His thread gets me through the day haha

Hang in there,it will get better soon.

Sort of quoting you:we do know what we talk about here.

As for her change of heart,I don't think it happened overnight,and that's what a lot of dumpers do-they start changing and by the time they call it quits,they have more or less moved on.

Of they have more or less moved on though, why is it in 99% of the threads I read the ex breaks NC or worse, wants to get back together?

I see it differently,its more a question of wanting to feel they are still in charge I e a bit of a powertrip,plus in some cases missing the relationship,even though they don't want to be in it.

You can be a dumper and still hurt,trust me on that one.

I do believe that what does end most relationships is a lack of honest adult communication.

Haha agreed. Adult communication... not possible with a girl who's 18. Haha she actually has told me "i don't want to talk about our breakup". That really helped for closure lol

Lol-she has some growing up to do.
Got to go work-stay strong.
Laters. :-)

Some people cope better than others with the reality they face, especially when its something they don't want to face. As with most people the decision to dump the person was not made overnight ( Had to spread the rep Amicon GRR!) and when you have to go through that experience, when you no longer feel the same way about your partner who is absolutely into you, will you understand what you go through to finally make that decision.

Quote:

Of they have more or less moved on though, why is it in 99% of the threads I read the ex breaks NC or worse, wants to get back together?

Wouldn't it be really nice to dump someone, but still have them as a friend? A pal to talk to and hangout with? Sure it would if you no longer have romantic feelings for them, that would be great until some other interests came along.

That's what's usually behind exes coming back after they have dumped their partners, plus there is no guilt about losing feelings, if they agree to be friends. You must remember, they have no shock of a break up like you do, so they are over the hard part, but they do feel bad when YOU go NC, and reject their friendship, but they have to find it elsewhere.

Some upon being disappointed by another interest not working out, or not being able to find another romantic interest, will often want the one they dumped back, and that's usually a sign of some other issue to be dealt with by them, such as fear of being alone, or bored with their lives, but its seldom enough to rebuild, because if you let them back without the issues they had before being resolved, it won't be long until they are gone again.

Quote:

Haha she actually has told me "i don't want to talk about our breakup". That really helped for closure lol

You get all the closure you need by accepting her feelings have changed, and moving beyond it, as its been my experience that when the mind clears of those intense emotions, facts come to the surface, you just can't see them because your feelings are in the way.

Nobody likes to admit they made a mistake, and chose the wrong partner, so they shift blame, and do all kinds of things to make it the fault of another, and if your 18 year old is keeping in touch, trying to get back with you, I suggest you have a healthy, clear mind to deal with her, and hopefully put this mess behind you where it belongs. You can only do that by NC, as any contact with the ex will confuse you, and make a simple thing that's hard to do much more complicated.

Many come here thinking its okay to keep talking to an ex after they dump you for whatever reason, and some only want closure, some want to get back what they had, (which is not possible because history with that person, and the feelings they have gone through, make it so) but only healing, and clarity of thoughts and actions can give you what you want, and that's to be happy, and this is but a process to get you to see its you, not them that's responsible for your own happiness, and to develop your coping skills to deal with your reality.

That's why you cut all contact, and look to yourself for answers, and solutions. That's what NC, and the healing process is about. Stop chasing your tail, and get busy on you, because she can't help you, nor is she willing to. But she will confuse you. She doesn't want to talk, leave her alone. That's the real signal you are getting.

Haha bahhhh this woman! I did all right tonight guys... I feel like I have made small improvements. Since I have told her my NC plans I have done my best even though I still see her most nights at work. I come in, say a quick hi (she says hi first) than I go about my business and find things around the store to keep me busy, and I think she is noticing this. The past 2 nights she has asked "why are you so grumpy?" and "why are you so quiet?". Do I care? It stings a bit, I find it immature to ask why I'm grumpy when I've told her I'm going NC, but I just write it off and don't give it any thought. I find myself slowly realizing, do I even want a girl who's this immature? Like no contact means no chit chat, no contact lol doesn't mean I'm grumpy haha. I feel good tonight guys and gals, 2 days off than only 3 times I have to see her at work and I'm done... I read my posts from last night in shame. Keep your head up everyone, I see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Bring on the rollercoaster I say!

You've turned the corner-thats great.

That light at the end of the tunnel will shine more brightly every day.

As for the ex's comments-ignore them.

Glad to hear that your doing just fine original. The best thing now is to look at your bright future and you don't having anyone to tell you what you can and cannot do.

I hope this answers your question.

Quote:

I still have a hard time wrestling with the fact that a girl who seemed to love me so much can throw 3 years away and not be phased

When I was dating my ex before this ex. She was so much inlvoe, did everything together, and I did everything for her. Spoiled her and all that extra miles. We dated for 2.5 yrs and she thought everything was good. She thought our relationship was unbreakable and no one can break us apart. But what she didn't know, for the past 6 months of our relationship I was un happy. The love wasn't their anymore. I did everything I can to get the feeling I have back but there was nothing I can do or she can do to get the fire back on. So I broke it off with her, she cried and cried and begged me to stay but I had no more feelings. I walked out of her life with no emotions, I felt bad cause she was crying but in reality I was happy cause I was no longer in the relationship. I know no matter what she says or do she can't get me back cause I already had decided that I don't want to be with her anymore. It wasn't the course of 1 week but the course of 6 months, and that's why I could just walk away from that relationship cause over the course of time I had been thinking and thinking about the break up. I hope that can answer why she can just walk away from 3 yrs of your relationship.
She had already planned it in her head and that's why she wasn't shock when you guys broke up.

Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

Learned this the hard way. Even now, after more than 30 years of marriage, I never assume my wife's feelings, and never take them for granted. Keeps me on my toes and keeps me paying close attention.

Wow... major setbacks my friends..

So today was pay day at work, and I showed up at noon to pick up my paycheque. I owed my ex some money off this pay for an HDTV that we bought together, but I'm keeping. Because I'm such a lucky person, she shows up at the same time as me to pick up her pay.

So she offers me a ride home since we are both standing in the store, and I have to give her money anyway. Like an idiot, I took the ride. My last shift has changed from Tuesday to Sunday (thanks to an a-hole boss, but that's a different story) and I wouldn't see her again, so I figured I would use this time to say my goodbyes so to speak. Harder... than I could have ever imagined it being. I told her I was sorry I handled the break up so horribly at the beginning, and that I was truly sorry for not giving her the space and trust that she needed. I also stated again my need for NC after today. All she had to say back to me was "i'll see you again"... probably the worst thing she could have said.

When you all read this post, it will sound like I'm overanalyzing what she said, and I may be. But there was something in her tone... something that said her mind wasn't completely made up, and it's really getting to me.

After that I gave her the hug, told her I'll always love her, and said take care and went back up to my apartment, and that was that. I feel like any progress I have made has just been reset completely. My day since then was horrible. I went out to the movies with a group of friends, hit a few different bars afterwards, and I can honestly say there was never a space of at least 30 seconds where I didn't think of her.

I am completely miserable right now, and am completely on the verge of breaking down to her again. I'm not going to, I have some amazing friends who have talked me out of it and given me all sorts of various reasons on why this is for the best, but I guess I'm not in the state of mind to hear it right now. It all feels so real, so finished now.

She kind of has me hoping with the whole "I'll see you again" thing, only because I told her NC would be in effect for at least a year if not longer (this will take me a long time to heal 100%) and she just kept saying "I'll see you again". Today is now Saturday morning, I work tonight, and again for my last shift Sunday night, and that's it. Any support/advice/suggestions anything to help me see straight and get me back to where I was a few days ago guys, would be greatly appreciated. I didn't think I would be doing the whole "goodbye" thing today, and I sure as heck didn't have more than maybe 15 seconds to prepare what I wanted to say. I can't bear the fact that I have lost this girl forever...

Original sorry to hear that dude. But what progress did you get out of it. You talking to her what do you gain, you going in her car what do you gain. NOTHING. Saying your goodbyes you gain NOTHING. I hear you man I know how that felt cause I went through it. That's why its best to never ever contact them, see them, cause right after you will feel confused and lost.

Quote:

I can't bear the fact that I have lost this girl forever...

will you need to accept the fact that she is no longer yours forever. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can let go with the false hope and move on. Write you feelings down when you start missing her a lot. That's what I do and it really do help. And also like this guy had told me in my thread he said.

Quote:

kp2171you are not ready to be over her and you aren't frustrated enough to follow NC and that's OK. Its your lesson to learn.
When you date someone, expect it to hurt when it ends. It should not be a shock. Missing someone is not a good enough reason to want to get back

You could have declined the ride-so you put yourself through this,because I suspect,false hope reared its ugly head again.

As for what she said-dont read anything into it.

False hope again.

As you are realising,the hard way, every interaction sets you back.

So don't do this to yourself.

Yea I'm an idiot... screwed up today and completely went back on everything I said I would do. I'm pretty disappointed in myself, and now I pay the consequences. Showme:that bit of advice from your thread does help, and amicon you called it. I did this to myself. Time to get some sleep, been up 27 hours straight, had a couple beers, no wonder this day is a mess. Thanks all but I need to sleep this one off and regroup tmmw. Happy Easter to all of you though, and thanks again

Happy Easter to you too-get some kip-you'll feel better for it.
Laters.

So day 1 of nc was unfortunately broken (very briefly) tonight only because we bumped into each other at work. I don't know why she was even there as her sister was working, but something did sting...

A bit of background info: when I first met this girl she was in with the wrong crowd. Hard drugs, and these girls were way to promiscuous. Tonight when I saw her, she was hanging out with the WORST girl from this group. It kind of has me thinking "what the heck is happening to this girl". I guess trying out her freedom...

I laughed at it a few minutes later though. All the progress she made the past few years in getting cleaned up is very likely to be undone hanging out with this girl. It hurts, but I guess her problem not mine. Tonights my last shift so after today I am done and free to begin healing properly. Still feels really hard though...

Its supposed to hurt bad, after all you're only human, and you cared. If it didn't hurt, then you would have cause to worry.