Well she called me today. We both talked about how everything fell apart between us. We both said that we wanted to be friends and talk to each other and eventually hang out. I don't know what to do. I don't think I am over her so its probably not a good idea. Is it possible for people that have had history to do this. It would be nice to see her again, I just don't know what to do right now. After having that conversation, I can't stop thinking about it. Why is everything so hard?

Because you are still talking to her.

Dude, do NOT hang out with her. Do you honestly think you could hang out with her without the akward feeling of not being able to kiss/hug her anymore? Or show affection... leaving away from her without saying I love you... or hear her talking about other guys? Why put yourself through any of that. I just broke up with my girlfriend last weekend and it's been messing with me emotionally more than her, I want to see her very badly... however, after I get my stuff from her I don't plan on seeing her again. There was to many emotions involved in our relationship and there's no way in my mind that I believe we could honestly be "friends"... far to weird...

With how long you've held on and thought about her, its blatantly obvious your not over her... hanging around with her will set you back to the point you were at when it all went down... think about that

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Originally Posted by Sledsik

I guess I just feel like this feeling is never going to end, I dont know how to shut it off yet I want to so bad.

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You will never shut it off completely. You have a history with this woman so she will appear in random thoughts throughout your life. I will tell you that, with time, these thoughts become less and less frequent.

I think about my ex every day but once you get that thought of them, you have to learn how to "change the channel" Its difficult at first but it gets easier. That is why NC and keeping yourself occupied is the best medicine.

I find that when I am alone in the car or just not doing anything I think of her. That's when I tell myself to change the channel and get busy.

I know its hard to realise, but it seems the only reason you're tempted to hang out with her is that you hope she'll start to fall in love with you all over again. She and you broke up for a reason, and trying to persuade her to take you back would involve you changing something about yourself - the very thing/things that made her realise things weren't meant to be between you. If you do that then you'd have to act like someone else for the rest of your life, don't you want to be with someone who loves you for you? Not for what you've changed into?
I say keep the NC, and send a friend round for the golfclubs, then go on a golfing holiday somewhere sunny. It'll take your mind off things. Other people were right, change the channel... to the sports channel! Or anything that will take your mind off someone who is causing you nothing but pain.

I know, I just liked a lot of things about her and am afraid that I won't find some of those things. Its hard after you have been with someone like that because I don't think there could be anyone out there like her. :-(

What you're feeling is normal, you feel like you've messed up your whole life because you're not with the person you're supposed to be with. Everyone feels like that, its looking back on the relationship and only seeing the good things. You think you'll be so happy if only you just got back together. I've felt the same thing so know that you're not alone in this.
There might not be anyone like her, everyone is different, but you can find someone just as good for you, believe me. Its not like you're going to be forced to be with someone who you don't actually like, you'll find someone funny and hot and all that stuff you thought you'd never find before.
The best way to get through this is NC and time. There's no quick fix, its not going to be like someone says something and you go: "of course!" and everything will be better. But we are all here to support you through this tough time, using our own knowledge and experience.
You haven't ruined your life, because at the end of the day, you weren't meant to be with her, despite what it seems at the moment. This too will pass.
I've said this before on another thread, but I'll say it again. Someone is out there for you, she's hot, funny, kind and meant to be with you; and she's coming to you as fast as she can.

Just thought I would give everyone a update. I was making up a birthday card for my ex last week which was drawing of what she said she wanted on her birthday when we were still together. It took me a couple of days and at the bottom of the card I wrote Happy Birthday then under that I wrote Always, me. I don't know what it was but something hit me right then and there. I think I realized, wow I have no respect for myself. Would she do something like this for me, hell no, she doesn't deserve this. Every time I think of her I revert back to that card and realize bit by bit, I am so much better than her and did way more for her than she did for me in the relationship and actually feel better about myself. Sure some of it still hurts but now I realize how much more I did for her and than she did and it evens out. I'm not even going to tell her Happy Birthday on FB, besides why should she care if I told her Happy Birthday or not. Right?

Anyway I have been noticing this girl that has been walking through the halls at the college I go to and really want to go talk to her but I'm just trying to think of how to go upon doing this because I don't normally do that so Im kind of stuck right now. Something about her really catches my attention for some reason, I haven't felt that way about any other girl that I have walked by so I wonder if that's saying something.

Stay NC.
No cards or FB.

Another girl isn't going to get you over your last one.

After all, you are still thinking about her.

Heal first.

I think that pause, when you stopped and thought "would she do anything like this for me" is an important step.

I have to do it all the time.

I have a child with my ex, so NC is not an option. We have a good enough relationship as long as we keep our distance... structure time around each other to be about the son... not each other.

But I still find myself drawn to doing the things I would normally do for her... little things that I always thought would make a difference. Sometimes ill do it... but more often than not anymore, ill catch myself if I can't say that whatever it is, shed return the gesture in kind.

The "what is my motive here and what is an acceptable response" question is a good grounding point.

NC helps people because it takes the guesswork out of this noise.

So... I think that moment of "wait a minute" is a good one to experience, and it's a good question to carry with you while you are getting through this noise.

Would she be doing the same or similar for you?

And if so, why?

This hasn't completely stopped me from still doing nice or kind things... I am who I am and I'm not going to completely be a jerk... but it sure does seem to filter out a lot of the effort I might be pushing her way.

Ya know, sledsik,

I sent my ex's Birthday card with loving words a couple of days before she dumped me.

Felt awful about it. And when that day rolled around, I wasn't feeling too good about being excluded in her special day.

The reality was I didn't matter.

And KP is right. Some people don't have the luxury going NC, when you have kids.

But for me, it was THE only way. Removed the drama, so I could move on without her being the focus.

To be strong, focused on myself & the good things.
The only reminders of her that were good, were the ones that I could use to heal & move on.

You already have 3 months under your belt. Keep it up.

The only thing that matters is you and the good people in your life.

I think you've definitely turned a corner there. She wouldn't do the same for you would she? You're being honest with yourself and that's the best thing right now. All of us have suffered from being deluded that our ex's will come back to us, and it delays our recovery. Everyone works to their own pace to turn the corner, but it looks like you've started to with your last post. Good for you.

Hey everyone I just have a quick question that I can't seem to figure out and I was hoping I could get some answers to. Why is that when you get the mind set that you don't want to get back together with your ex that you still think about her and miss her at points. Am I fooling myself sort of with saying that I don't want her back or what. I just can't seem to get ahold of this. There are periods like a couple hours where I don't think about her and its great and then there's small bits where I do think about her. Its been a little over three months since it happened, anyone have a idea on what's up?

Its normal to miss someone we spent time with and who we loved and cared about.

Your feelings are part of the healing process.

Keep busy,keep moving on and these feelings will fade with time.

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Originally Posted by Sledsik

Hey everyone I just have a quick question that I can't seem to figure out and I was hoping I could get some answers to. Why is that when you get the mind set that you dont want to get back together with your ex that you still think about her and miss her at points. Am I fooling myself sort of with saying that I dont want her back or what. I just can't seem to get ahold of this. There are periods of time like a couple hours where I dont think about her and its great and then theres small bits where I do think about her. Its been a lil over three months since it happened, anyone have a idea on whats up?

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It's like a roller coaster ride. It's up and down and crazy swing. Sometime you will have happy moment and other time you will missed her a lot. It's not something you can control but over time it will get easier. Just hang in there. Try to keep yourself busy and not sit and think about it. One day you'll wake up and wonder what the heck I am feeling sad for anyway.

I have been going through the same feelings as you have. In the end only no contact and time will make you feel better. My ex now all of a sudden unblocked me on Facebook, that bothered me again for a couple of days, but I am almost cured I can feel. Just hang in there.

The only thing I do not understand... why Nature/Biology/God or whatever programmed us to have those feelings? That urge of contacting your ex, to hang on? There must be a reason for it, evolutionwise?

You know, I ask myself this question from time to time but I tell myself it isn't worth analyzing or losing sleep over.

You still think about things that happened during childhood, don't you? Why? Because they are memories. Over time those memories fade (they never go away) as you go through new experiences. That is just how the brain is programmed.

Sometimes we are just not meant to know the answer to some things and that is when acceptance sets in.

Accept that it is normal to have those feelings and eventually you will learn to move them to the back of your mind.

Yes, but now we have cellphones, emails, SMS, Facebook etc. etc. to keep reminding us forever and ever, haha.

Only if you choose to let those reminders be constant.

I personally changed my number, deleted my entire Facebook account, and shoved all her stuff in a closet (she left some personal stuff behind, and I know one day she will need it)

I did save all of the pictures we took together but they are on a hard drive in the closet as well and I haven't looked at them in 4 months. Maybe I will open them up in ten years from now but not anytime soon.

I chucked everything in the dumpster.