Ask Me Help Desk - Hold on, move on, or both?

Hmm wow yeah I know the very same feeling and he very same thoughts! It goes through my head when I think about my ex...

I tried to be so good to him, I tried to be so understanding... I thought I was doing everything right... only to be the fool in the end... and he continues to be happily married while I am stumped by his carelessness...

How do people go on when they know they have hurt someone they are supposed to love and care about? How do they have no conscious? Its like they never turn back, they don't try to fix it... they just ignore the broken hearts they have left behind... So agrivating! I have never been able to leave someone with their feelings hurt... no matter if I loved them or not.

Well Jdop, all I can say is to leave hope in your heart for the good people out there. I have not always been a great person, it was through mistakes that I have become the person I am now.. so good people can go bad, and bad people can become good... its a fact of life. Just remain a good one... :)

I am really tempted to send her a text with only: "genesis 3:13" which basically says: Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The
Woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

I know I shouldn't do it, I know I should act like I don't care what she did, but I dò care. This will make her feel bad, and that is what I want

I really don't think you should do that JDOP, your thinking with anger and resentment... as much as you want her to feel bad, she will feel more anger towards you... I don't think by writing her that text you will achieve what you want her to feel. If she has a guilty conscious at all, then if you tell her that it will go away. She will point her anger at you... I don't think she will feel humbled and bad about it... especially if she is still with him and thinks nobody knows... Just my guess:cool:

Please don't text that to her JDOP. I know that you are angry. You have every right to be. She hurt you, what she did was s***, but if nothing else, think of the big picture here. Wouldn't you rather walk away with some dignity and pride intact? Wouldn't you rather in the future have her look back on you as the good guy she is sorry she dumped when this situation she is in now blows up in her face? Or would you rather her remember you as the jealous angry ex she is glad she is away from?

I was hurt and angry about what my ex did too. I was dumped out of nowhere for a girl he just met and then he emailed me a couple of weeks ago to let me know he now lives with her. I could have killed him, I was so hurt and angry. In fact, I would love to call him or email him and use every word in the book against him right now. My anger is intense, but I tried to handle the situation with as much dignity as I could, so at least I don't look back and cringe with embarrassment one day. Not to let my ex off the hook at all. I believe that karma will come back to him. He will get what is coming to him in time.

Also when dealing with my ex, I thought of a part in the book by Greg Behrendt called, "He's Just Not That Into You", where he is telling girls the best way to handle their ex's. He said, "Always be classy ladies, never crazy." That phrase stuck in my mind when dealing with my ex recently. Always be classy, never crazy. That should apply to guys too.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

hey,
I'm dealing with some serious pain right now and I would really appreciate some advice. I posted here about a month ago that my 1.5 yr girlfriend broke up with me, basically because I became too needy. We had little contact the first 3 weeks. When I asked her, is this a definite break-up, she always responded with things like "we'll see", "never say never" etc. Now it has been 3 weeks with no contact whatsoever, allthough I said I would like to keep in touch with her (I changed my mind). Now I hear (there's rumours everywhere) that she has slept with her former ex (the guy before me). I mean this guy is the prototype of a jerk. When she broke up with him, He practically stalked her for a half a year. He cheated on her and generally has no respect for women. So when I heard this rumour I didn't believe it at first. I would rather believe that the pope isn't a catholic. I knew her. And it is the last thing I would have expected her to do. Moreover, this ex was also i a one year relationship with a girl and the second he knew I was dumped he also broke up with her. Don't these people realize the emotional damage they conflict on two other people?? It is like she has become another person. Even now I find these rumours very very hard to believe (although they come from reliable source) because I never thought she was the kinda person to do these kind of things. I'm not sure if I would want her back now even if could get her back. I'm guessing this is all some kind of a rebound thing but hey, why do you have to make this so painful for the people you leave behind? Isn't she ashamed of herself? Doesn't she realise that what she is doing is essentially wrong? Has she no respect for me at all? The fact that I have to hear about this kind of **** from other people speaks for itself

Just forget about her.. she don't care for you.. then why the hell are you thinking much about it. I know its tough.. but sooner you forget her.. faster you will recover and come out of it.. if you can.. just try to find some better partner.. its good she left you after 1.5 yrs.. imagine if she would have left you after 5 or 10 or 15 yrs.. would have been tougher.. girls are like buses.. one gone. Next one will come.. don't wait for buses... enjoy life.. and be happy... its tough.. not impossible..

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Originally Posted by jagjeet

its good she left you after 1.5 yrs.. imagine if she would have left you after 5 or 10 or 15 yrs.. would have been tougher

This is a very good point. If this happened after a longer period, it would have hurt even more because you would have shared even more experiences together. There could also have been children involved the longer you were together.

My ex's mother said to me shortly after the break-up, "would you rather this not happen now Geoff after 3 years rather than 10 or 15 years down the line"

You must try and see it as her doing you a favour by leaving you so that you can move forward and find someone better for you.

Please think over a few times before sending her that text. I can tell you one thing, I am 100% against that idea. She might actually be scared by receiving such a text. I know you do not want to come across this way but you are just consumed with anger and resentment and you need to take some time out to sort through these feelings.

I don't think you will gain anything by texting her that and in fact you will regret doing it and only justify in her head that what she did was the right decision for her. Doing this might actually relieve some of her guilt. Think carefully JDOP and make the right choice with a clear head.

I know it's easier said than done but you really must try. If you like, you can PM me on here if you want to talk about it. You have been a good help to me too! Or if you feel like a vent, then post here before taking any impulsive decisions.

All the best for now.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

The most painful part is that I reall thought it was gonna be forever with this girl. I thought she felt the same way about me, at least she told me so. I have never loved anyone like that before and I guess that is why I'm hurt so bad. The joke's on me. It comforts me to know that these kind of things happen every day. I just didn't think she was capable of doing it. And certainly not in this way. I know I couldn't do it to any person. Maybe I'm naive and maybe it is not as resentful as I'm thinking now. The world has become filled with mean people all of a sudden.

It is no joke. And the enormous pain of being lied to is very real. Every time. To take advantage of another's trust, albeit a somewhat naïve or innocent one, is a terrible thing. And if it helps, I have been watching this very thing here in the US for a very long time because I come from a whole family just like her. Can you imagine? It was hard surviving that -- the lack of integrity, the amazing conceit, the ability to see truth as relative, the cold calculated lying, first to themselves and then to others so they can rationalize every self serving action -- ugh! But they aren't so much mean JDOP, as sick. Not sick bad, but sick like soul sick. Dysfunctional.

It may seem all of a sudden to you, and I can appreciate that. I assure you what I call the "thousand nameless mental illnesses" have been claiming more and more people as my life travels on. It has cost me family, friends, lovers and now, as crazy as this sounds, a long standing career too. It serves no one to become as unhealthy as they are since despite how they make it look, they are truly unsettled, insecure, unhappy-- trust me. All the good things are still founded on honesty and while they remain dishonest, those good things are out of reach for them. And so they pretend at love without really knowing the meaning of it. They make it look like they trust you when they are really clueless. They appear happy when its only a good display of denial. In the meantime, know that the whole world is not like this and that because too many are, you must acquire discernment now more than ever. I wish for you lots of discernment out of this. You'll need it, we all do.

Once the pain eases up and you loosen your view of her a little, you may look back and find small clues that told you she wasn't entirely sincere, that she let her act slip now and then and that you just didn't want to believe something bad about someone you love and so you didn't. I know how tough it is discovering the one you love is untrustworthy and how tempting it is to look the other way. But we learn eventually that we do so to our own peril. This is not to say be paranoid of everyone. Just know that some people are really just that good at lying and be a little more careful, slower to give your heart and your trust. Look for confirmation about who they are. Look closely and see them as they are. Learn what constitutes a red flag.

The genuinely honest people will make mistakes too but they won't seek to hide them from you. Be like them, live honestly and kindly and reap the rewards of that. And know that the others reap theirs as well -- they really do.

OK, although I really really really want to, I'm not going to send that text. I guess I would not only send it because it might hurt her, but also because I think it's ironic to compare her to eve biting the apple and thereby casting humanity out of the paradise. She's not eve, and I'm not god. I'm just a boy with his feelings hurt.
When I talk to other people about it; sometimes I can even laugh about it. The absurdness of the whole situation is actually funny. She leaves that guy for me, and after 1.5 year she leaves me for him? I could make a movie about it

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Once the pain eases up and you loosen your view of her a little, you may look back and find small clues that told you she wasn't entirely sincere, that she let her act slip now and then and that you just didn't want to believe something bad about someone you love and so you didn't. I know how tough it is discovering the one you love is untrustworthy and how tempting it is to look the other way. But we learn eventually that we do so to our own peril. This is not to say be paranoid of everyone. Just know that some people are really just that good at lying and be a little more careful, slower to give your heart and your trust. Look for confirmation about who they are. Look closely and see them as they are. Learn what constitutes a red flag.

The more and more I look back, the signs that everyone (friends & family) were telling me were there, I was denying. My family all told me that my ex was not sincere and that she did not know what she wanted. They also branded the engagement as a farce, the fact that my ex wanted the engagement just for receiving a ring and being the centre of attention at a party. I denied it at the time because I was so blind to the bad things about my ex. I wanted to believe that she was good and that she was sincere in her motivations for wanting to marry me. It left me feeling used and confused as to why someone who knew I loved them so much could tear my heart out.

But she did it and the truth hit home. I think you have also been hit JDOP with the same realization that she was not as great as you thought she was. I agree with what Val says above about looking more closely at a person and seeing them as they really are.

When I first met my ex, I did actually see some red flags but I was willing to give it a chance. As time went by, my feelings became far more intense until she had my heart and I was no longer able to see the red flags I first saw. When a serious relationship ends so suddenly, it does put you into a state of shock and you feel very numb. It takes time for the answers to unfold. You will never get all the answers you want but the ones that matter will come in time.

JDOP, I think it is a good idea that you have thought through sending that text and have decided not to do it. If it helps, write the text on a piece of paper and just think about how it looks. You are making the right choice not to send it.

Hey,
First of all thanks a lot for your advice all. I'm glad I still have a possibility to vent here. I know I shouldn't but I am still going over and over everything that happened. The main thing I want to know is "why?". Sometimes I can place myself in the thoughts of my ex and I can understand a little. I'm not so mad at her anymore. I figure she's just really really confused about everything. She probably realized that it wasn't working out for us and searched for some replacement. Her ex was an easy target because he was still in her back pocket after all this time. The guy was her first love and it is easy to evoke those feelings again as she has a long history with him. She is fooling herself though. There's a reason why they broke up in the first place, so why should it work now? The reason she didn't tell me about it was probably because she was afraid of my reaction and because she didn't want to hurt me too bad. It doesn't excuse her though. I don't think she is happy, even though she might pretend she is. She probably just shuts her eyes for all the grief she is causing and that is a very selfish thing to do. I actually would advice her to see a psychiatrist.
I'm having a lot of contact with the jerk's ex now, as she is hurting too. I'm hearing things from her that I should have heard a long time ago. My ex's dishonesty delayed my hurting process big time. I'm feeling pain now that I should have felt 5 weeks ago. Every time I'm hearing another detail I feel like I'm getting punched in the stomach, it's like I can't breathe anymore. I guess that's a normal reaction because I'm back where I started from 7 weeks ago. I haven't slept or eaten a lot the past few days but I'm slowly starting to pick myself up again. For now, I want to hear as much details as I can. It hurts but it helps because it makes me realize that I'm really better off without her (at least, at this stage in her life).

Dude you need some professional help yourself.
By JDOP

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I say there's another guy in the game, especially when she was talking about going out and then denying it. I know you won't believe it at first but all the signs are there. It is a horrible thing and she is not worth you. Cut her off at once before she has a chance to hurt you even more

This is what you advised a poster to do, This is not the advice your following. Just curious why you choose torture as opposed to acceptance?

When I look at that guy's situation, I can look at it from a distance and then this is the best advice he can get. On the other hand I know how hard it is (if not impossible) to follow it because I'm in the same situation he is, only 7 weeks later

You both have very fresh wounds, so why torture yourself?

I don't see it as torture, I see it as a way of convincing myself that I'm stronger than her. That I do not want to be with her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JDOP

I don't see it as torture, I see it as a way of convincing myself that I'm stronger than her. That I do not want to be with her.

But you do want to be with her, why run and hide from the truth? I don't understand. Why must you convince yourself you are stronger than her? Am I missing something?

Just until 3 days ago, I just thought my ex was an honest girl, who just woke up one morning and decided she didn't love me anymore. Now I find out that she was ******* around with her ex, that she lied to me. Someone who lies to me doesn't respect me, someone who doesn't respect me does not care for me. Finding that out is acceptance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JDOP

Just untill 3 days ago, I just thought my ex was an honest girl, who just woke up one morning and decided she didn't love me anymore.

That is an incredibly naïve statement that borders on denial right there! Come on-- read it again and see how it sounds!

You knew she wasn't what you thought she was when she up and left suddenly without offering reasons. But that can only mean one thing - the reasons really suck. Now all you are doing is filling in the details of it. But I'll bet her dishonesty started before she left, if you would only see it realistically. All that you need in the way of information, you already have from all your experiences with her.

Honest but confused people don't claim to love someone and value the relationship one minute and break it off the next. It risks the entire relationship doing that. Actually it ends the relationship doing that. People who aren't telling the whole story do that. Honest but confused people who still want a relationship arrange for something far more constructive.

That she didn't even GIVE you the opportunity to work it out would, for me, end any possibility of engaging in anything ever again. That is what I would be outraged about. That kind of silent unilateral decision making smacks of such irresponsible selfishness, personal lack of integrity and utter disregard for a partners feeling that there simply would be no point in a joint venture with someone like that -- they are playing solo and need to stay that way as far as I am concerned -- pity the fool who attempts partnership with her in any capacity. You really need to see that part, I think. But I will assure you that if you do finally get it and see this for what it is, when you to talk to others about it, they may not see it and it will be as if you are talking martian language to them so don't be surprised. I would be very careful with the jerk's ex too, by the way. You need to run, not walk, from everyone in this -- unless you are a player too and just looking for a way back in the game.

Hi JDOP,

I would like to give you my honest opinions about your situation here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JDOP

I know I shouldn't but I am still going over and over everything that happened. the main thing I want to know is "why?". Sometimes I can place myself in the thoughts of my ex and I can understand a little.

It is natural for you to be going over and over everything that happened, to question constantly, 'why?' 'why?' 'why?'. Placing yourself into the thoughts of your ex won't help because you cannot understand fully what is going on in someone else's mind. They might not even know completely themselves their motivations for what they did. Analyzing someone for their motivations is not going to help you. I know JDOP, I did the same thing and still do at times but it really does not help you. It is really understandable that you are still feeling this pain and thinking about it constantly. I gather it has been approximately 6 weeks since your break-up and therefore you will have some time to go before you are through this.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

I'm not so mad at her anymore.

I believe you are angry still JDOP and you would be denying your true feelings if you said you were not. Again, completely natural but again, this will not help you. It is o.k for you to feel anger towards her, she hurt you and you will feel this way for a while.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

I figure she's just really really confused about everything.

Again you are jumping to conclusions based on what you want to believe. Never make assumptions. Again, something I struggled with too.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

She probably realized that it wasn't working out for us and searched for some replacement. Her ex was an easy target because he was still in her back pocket after all this time. The guy was her first love and it is easy to evoke those feelings again as she has a long history with him. She is fooling herself though.

Yes, and this would likely be a rebound on her part that would fall apart rather quickly. That is not necessarily a fact but a great possibility. She may have kept him on the back burner and see him a safety pocket so she can get over what happened with you but in the end, if this is true, it will backfire. I am only making suggestions on this JDOP and please don't see this as a definite conclusion to what has happened here.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

There's a reason why they broke up in the first place, so why should it work now?

Very True! And 100% on the money.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

The reason she didn't tell me about it was probably because she was afraid of my reaction and because she didn't want to hurt me too bad. It doesn't excuse her though. I don't think she is happy, even though she might pretend she is. She probably just shuts her eyes for all the grief she is causing and that is a very selfish thing to do. I actually would advice her to see a psychiatrist.

This all proves that you are still angry and resentful of her and you have every right to feel that way but must also recognize that you still have those feelings.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

I'm having a lot of contact with the jerk's ex now, as she is hurting too. I'm hearing things from her that I should have heard a long time ago. My ex's dishonesty delayed my hurting process big time. I'm feeling pain now that I should have felt 5 weeks ago. Everytime I'm hearing another detail I feel like I'm getting punched in the stomach, it's like I can't breathe anymore.

Perhaps you need to stop talking to this 'jerk's' ex because it is not helping you to constantly be hearing all the details of what is happening. You know what I did the other day JDOP with that myspace thing with my ex and this led me to believe (falsely or not) that she was on the lookout, if not already dating someone else. What did it do, nothing actually productive for me, all it did was hurt me because I read into everything. I know the details you are getting are probably more based on solid facts but the point is, none of this talking to this guy's ex is really helping anyone, her or yourself. You are just going around in circles and torturing yourself by getting more and more information about what she is doing.

STOP IT! don't go this to yourself, she has already hurt you enough and you do not deserve more pain. Evidently, you did not deserve any in the first place.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

Everytime I'm hearing another detail I feel like I'm getting punched in the stomach, it's like I can't breathe anymore.

This is why you must break all contact with these people... ALL CONTACT.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

I haven't slept or eaten a lot the past few days but I'm slowly starting to pick myself up again. for now, I want to hear as much details as I can. It hurts but it helps because it makes me realize that I'm really better off without her (at least, at this stage in her life).

You know enough now JDOP and now is the time to pull away completely from this situation. This is doing your mental and physical health no justice.

Cut yourself off from anyone associated with your ex, absolutely everyone. Only then can you begin to move on from this. Allow yourself some time alone and with friends and family to heal. Start to focus on you, I know you have heard this before but you have not really taken any of the advice and used it properly because you keep doing things which are unhealthy for you. This is hard enough and you are just making it harder for yourself. I am not perfect JDOP and I make mistakes, we all do but I do know that we all need to have things drummed into us so that we finally make the right decisions that are best for us.

Sorry for the long response but I felt that there are some issues that needed to be raised to help you through this.

All the best again JDOP.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JDOP

Just untill 3 days ago, I just thought my ex was an honest girl, who just woke up one morning and decided she didn't love me anymore. Now I find out that she was ******* around with her ex, that she lied to me. Someone who lies to me doens't respect me, someone who doens't respect me does not care for me. Finding that out is acceptance.

I beg to differ, Finding out some one doesn't care for you is awareness (discovery) and is about learning. Acceptance is knowing you can't change the situation, and choose to go another route. What your doing is resisting the truth.

I appreciate all your advice. And believe me I'm learning from it. But on some things I just don't agree. Let me exemplify. Say you have a beautifull daughter. One day she gets kidnapped, raped and murdered. Wouldn't you like to know the details of her kidnapping? Where she was held? Who did it? How low she was captured etc? I think it is a neccesity to know all of these things before you can let her go. I know that I can't compare my situation to this but for some extent, it's the same thing. I don't need to know áll the details (the sex etc). But I would like to know things like: since when, how long, why before I can let it go completely