Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend kissed my best friend, now needs a break

I'd be giving her a Christmas present all right, I'd be sending the 20 love songs back to her, along with a 'dear john' letter.

Is this ever going to stop? How can you move forward when you are expecting, and receiving, smacks in the head from her.

The past is the past. Even if you add to the past with new knowledge of what went wrong, you will never have all the answers you need, and why do you need them anyway- hanging on a thread of hope?

There comes a point where you can't go in two directions at the same time. You have a life to live, and you've exhausted the relationship, possible relationship, questions about the relationship, and the what ifs about the relationship, the past of the relationship, possible future of the relationship, and never stay put long enough to say, 'Enough!! '.

Do more than just talk about it this time. Just do it. Make 2010 YOUR year to shine, without any baggage from 2009. I liked the idea of making a list, and sticking to it as Llisa suggested. That doesn't mean changing it, adding to it, taking things off it, modifying it, or misinterpreting it to suit your mood at the moment.

Like all things, there is a beginning, a middle and an end. You've gone through the first two okay, but somehow you can't cross the finish line. There are too many emotional barriers you are setting up there like hurdles. Just picture in your mind that the finish line is just ahead. Crowds cheering, lights flashing, flags waving. You pull out of the inside lane, and pass your friend, and realize you are catching up to your girlfriend past, and as you pass her, you see a look of panic on her face. She realizes she can't keep you in this race longer than her, and she isn't going to win! You sprint like a spring pony right across that line- arms up in the air to the sound of adoring fans (AMHD people of course), and right into that beautiful place of the biggest win of your life!

You see behind you now that your ex has fallen flat on her face, and what sounds like a pathetic verse of some love song, and your best friend is limping along, and will eventually make the finish line, but in last place.

You have WON the race!! You rule!! Just as you accept your trophy, the town clock rings 12 times, and Happy New Year!! It is 2010, and you realize you have not only won the race, but you've won your freedom!

Don't look back, no regrets, move on, enjoy this short life, one victory at a time.

I forgot the Xmas present,it's not a good idea,you need to distance yourself from the friendship idea till you're completely over her,
Who knows buy then you might not even want her for a friend?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I'd be giving her a Christmas present all right, I'd be sending the 20 love songs back to her, along with a 'dear john' letter.

I don't really know if you are being ironic or not, but the christmas present would be as neutral as it can get, if you understand me. A friendly gift, not a boyfriendly gift.

Quote:

Is this ever going to stop? How can you move forward when you are expecting, and receiving, smacks in the head from her.

I agree, and I have actually thought a bit about that. I'm thinking that if this happens again, with her showing me some love before she backs out again, I will react stronger.

I'm thinking among the lines: "I've made it clear that I want to support you, and that I still have feelings for you, but you cannot keep playing with my feelings this way. If you want me back, and say the right things, I will be willing to give you another chance. If you need time, I'll wait (though not forever) and give you the time. If you want to stay broken-up, alright. But don't play with my emotions and my mind."

Quote:

The past is the past. Even if you add to the past with new knowledge of what went wrong, you will never have all the answers you need, and why do you need them anyway- hanging on a thread of hope?

Yeah, I guess I am hanging on a thread of hope. But I can't live with insecurity, really. I'm a very curious guy. I'd rather know that she never wants me or know that she might want me or know that she is dating my best friend than to have my mind spinning and wandering like this.

Quote:

There comes a point where you can't go in two directions at the same time. You have a life to live, and you've exhausted the relationship, possible relationship, questions about the relationship, and the what ifs about the relationship, the past of the relationship, possible future of the relationship, and never stay put long enough to say, 'Enough!! '.

Do more than just talk about it this time. Just do it. Make 2010 YOUR year to shine, without any baggage from 2009. I liked the idea of making a list, and sticking to it as Llisa suggested. That doesn't mean changing it, adding to it, taking things off it, modifying it, or misinterpreting it to suit your mood at the moment.

Like all things, there is a beginning, a middle and an end. You've gone through the first two okay, but somehow you can't cross the finish line. There are too many emotional barriers you are setting up there like hurdles. Just picture in your mind that the finish line is just ahead. Crowds cheering, lights flashing, flags waving. You pull out of the inside lane, and pass your friend, and realize you are catching up to your girlfriend past, and as you pass her, you see a look of panic on her face. She realizes she can't keep you in this race longer than her, and she isn't going to win! You sprint like a spring pony right across that line- arms up in the air to the sound of adoring fans (AMHD people of course), and right into that beautiful place of the biggest win of your life!

You see behind you now that your ex has fallen flat on her face, and what sounds like a pathetic verse of some love song, and your best friend is limping along, and will eventually make the finish line, but in last place.

You have WON the race!! You rule!! Just as you accept your trophy, the town clock rings 12 times, and Happy New Year!! It is 2010, and you realize you have not only won the race, but you've won your freedom!

Don't look back, no regrets, move on, enjoy this short life, one victory at a time.

Thanks for the great advices!
My problem is in my mind, I believe. I want to get over her now, because chances are we'll never be together again. I want to be able to be happy without her. Maybe I want to meet some new girl in the future to share (parts?) of my life with, and I want to be able to get over her. But right now, I also want her back.
I just can't get over her, but can't do it. I don't know why.

I think I have done what I have read about on this forum, placing her over me. Her happiness over mine, her wishes over mine. I realize now that might have been a bad idea, but I still somewhat stand behind my choices, because on one hand I can't be happy if she isn't (or at least couldn't while being her boyfriend).

In addition, I'm still, as mentioned, hanging on a last thread of hope. I still love her so much, and she have sent me mixed signals - some saying maybe, some saying never, and I just don't want to burn all the bridges. I just want to get over her right now.

If she some time in the future comes to me and wants me back, that's something I will consider then. If I at that time want that as well, well then maybe, but even though I have hope of this, I don't want to hang on to that hope and wait forever. I want to let her know this in a way without burning all bridges, if you understand. I'm thinking in a way that I can't promise that my door for her will always be open, but it will never be locked either, just closed, so knocking might be worth while.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

It's that darn emotional rollercoaster,some days are not great- I hope your tenta went well in spite of this.
As for what may or may not happen or what may be going on between the two of them,I'd trust them for now and try not to think about that.
You know,it's one day at the time at this stage so be patient with yourself.
.

Thanks, it went all right I think. I don't think it got that much worse because of my mind.

That's the thing, I really want to trust them both, but the fact that he's had contact with her even though he told me otherwise makes it harder for me. What happened as described earlier in the thread doesn't exactly increase my trust towards them either.

Thanks, I will try to keep up day by day, I've been doing good so far, had a high of almost 24 hours prior to today, so it's been good recently.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

I forgot the Xmas present,it's not a good idea,you need to distance yourself from the friendship idea till you're completely over her,
Who knows buy then you might not even want her for a friend?

I don't want to hang out with her or keep in touch with her daily. I just want to show her that I still care about her in a nice way. I'm not talking a very expensive gift here, just something she'll enjoy and be happy from. I might just write her a card as well.

I will definitely consider all of those options, gift, card and nothing. I'm really not sure at this point.

Thanks for all of the replies!

You were friendly with her family weren't you? You could send one card to the whole family.:-)

Yes, but I think her mother were kind of splitted. She have actually been worried about me taking drugs (at one point I had a mohawk), but I and my girlfriend have assured her that I'm not into that stuff at all. I barely drink to get drunk, and never considered drugs.

She seemed to trust me after this initial suspiscion though, and I never heard anything abou the likes after.
Her father, I always got along well with, and her sister as well.

The card to the whole family would certainly be a good idea, but anyway I think I need some time to decide what to do in this case, and after all I still have som time.

Thanks for the great tip (: .

Your welcome!
Take care now!

Until you make a decision to put this behind you, and leave her alone, then it will be hard to look forward and see or pursue better options, and opportunities, that may be right in front of you.

I can understand your need for closure, and its much easier to give up if you know she has. Well she has guy, she isn't coming back.

Its not burning bridges to leave her alone, or don't send her anything for the holiday. That's acceptance, and you need that a lot more than closure, so you can heal your wounds, and start to fill the hole in your soul with the right things.

Letting the past go completely, is what sets you free. Only you can do this for yourself.

Thanks for the great advice talaniman. I don't know how you do it, but all of the advices I've read from you makes everything seem so clear.

I have gone for what I believe is three days now, without contacting her and I've been feeling better and better for each day.

It's just so hard for me to imagine her with anyone right now, especially my best friend. I guess seeing her move on that quickly (if that happens) would serve in both ways, in one way I'd feel more down because I'd feel like she didn't really take this thing that hard, and doesn't miss me. On the other hand, that would serve as a bit of closure.

I think you're right about her not coming back. It's just a dream I have. I see clearly now some things in the past that should have been red flags to me, as far as this thing (break-up) coming up. I'm just not very well at reading signs.

I will do my best to just let her and all of this go completely, I know I can do it. I just need a little time, I still feel like I need more time, but that's probably 100% normal. I'm in one way sad that christmas is coming up now, because it could potentially ruin a lot of my christmas spirit, but on the other hand I think it will be a well timed break.

In any way, I still don't think my best friend would be with my girlfriend, at least not yet. When I say he is a good guy, I really mean it. He's like the one guy who stands against if someone talks some about someone, even if the stuff they say is true. So, I trust him, but I have to admit I have a hard time - even though I don't want to - trusting my GF after all that's happened.

All I know is that I don't want to lose my best friend. I think there's a lot true in that friendships lasts forever, sweethearts come and go.

I will definietly try to get over it, to maintain no contact and accept my "fate" (sounds a bit overdramatic.)

On one hand, I still want to show her that I care about her by sending her something, maybe just a plain Happy Christmas card. But on the other hand, I think you're right about me having to move on from her now. I also think that she might need that in a way, I want to help her through her hard time as a friend as well, but she can't feel that I'm ALWAYS there either, she needs to take steps on her own some time as well (for all I know she already has).

As things are looking now, I will most likely not have any contact with her before next year. Unless she initiates, and it turns out to be something I cannot ignore (I.E. depression etc.).

Thanks a lot for your great reply and helping tips, talaniman :)!

Hi Misshersomuch,

There are so many new events that have happened that I want to reply to. But I'd like to say I didn't read all the pages of this feed. Until yesterday, I had only read pages one, five and six. After reading the pages in between I'm concerned about your ex's emotional state.

Because she was really depressed and had suicidal thoughts, I think she needs professional help. Even though she might be in an okay state now, I think she will need a professional to assist her with how to deal with the times when she is really stressed and down. Life being full of highs and lows, she will need to learn how to cope with the lows in a healthy way.

Do you know if she started seeing a psychiatrist? Also do her parents know about her depression and suicidal thoughts? You said that she doesn't get along well with her mother, and you also disclosed that there was a terrible incident with her mother and father where they emotionally hurt her. Are they good parents? Do they love her and want to support her with this?

If you think they will support her, then I think you should definitely tell them about her depression, anxiety, stress and suicidal thoughts. If you don't think they will, does she have a trusted aunt or uncle? Please let me know.

I understand that you might think telling her parents is to betray her trust, but the fact that she got so down as to think about suicide, makes the issue serious. I am definitely not pushing for you to tell them or anybody else who you think will not support her. I just mean in this situation appropriate action needs to be taken. Also I am not saying that she is in danger of taking drastic steps, but just for her general well being, I think the issue needs to be addressed properly.

Please note that I think you should maintain your no contact rule with her. I don't think you should talk to her or contact her at all. I think you will not be able to help her right now, because you are pretty messed up at the moment. I think you need to deal with your own issues and perhaps you might benefit from counselling as well, maybe a psychologist.

I also think you should maintain no contact with her, because you will likely unintentionally emotionally drain her a bit (because you love her and want to be with her). Neither of you need the added strain on your emotional states at the moment. And I think it would just complicate the current issues for you both.

I missed the last few posts, before I posted the above. Maybe you shouldn't get involved. It sounds like how you are dealing with everything has improved dramatically. I agree with talaniman and so am glad to see you've taken his advice. Keep strong, and I hope you keep moving forward.

I have considered talking with her parents about this, also at several earlier occations while we were still dating. I said that I could just be there with her, or talk for her if she wanted me to, so that they could understand how she was doing (and still is).

She wouldn't let me, not at all. She wanted to deal with this herself, I accepted this but told her I'd help her any way I could and she would want me to.

The thing is that she have tried to tell them about her situation several times, but because she's always hided her real emotions, or at least some of them, from her parents, because she didn't want them to know that she was depressed, they wouldn't believe her when she told them about how she actually was doing. They said that she shouldn't complain and that life is though. They don't believe her when she tells them how she is doing.

I don't know, and don't think, that she's seeing any expert yet. I believe she's still waiting for one via the school nurse, but I don't know for sure.

I do know that one of her friends have gone through a lot of the same things that she is doing now, with the home situation, and that she frequently speaks with her though. So she is talking with an amateur expert if I might call it that.

I do know that over the last three weeks or so, she have (not sure how often) talked a bit about her situation with her teachers as well as with the school nurse, and I think that she is trying to deal with this herself. I've told her that even though I'm not her boyfriend now, I still want to help her through this, so if she needs me she can contact me.

Based on this, I've decided to not talk about her issues with anyone, I even keep most of the stuff away from my best friend, even though he knows some of it. I'm just not comfortable talking with anyone about her behind her back, even if it's with a good intention.

I'm still going no contact, and today was definitely another high for me, I was able to not think about her throughout most of the day at school, had quite a bit of fun, and I believe I was able to hide my sadness, if you understand what I mean. To shut away the sad feelings and keep happy.

Thanks a lot for the tips, but as long as I know that she is dealing with this herself and doesn't want my involvement right now, I will stay away from both her, her parents and anyone else, regarding her emotional state.

I'm considering to go talk with the school nurse on Monday, but I haven't quite decided yet. I feel like I'm doing better already, and I'm getting frequent attention and help from my teachers, but then again I might just be fooling myself.

Thanks a lot for your replies Llisa!

See the nurse on Monday if you feel like it,I do think you're doing well though,and you will continue to do so by sticking to the no contact and keeping busy.
Plus you have a support network which is always a good thing.
Keep going!:-)

Stay out of the way of her helping herself, as you have enough work to do on yourself. Leave her parents out of this, as you should be leaving them alone as well.

Nice you want to support her as a friend, but right now I think it does more harm than good for you both.

Sorry guy, I understand your feelings, but strict NC, is the thing to do. Hard at this time of year, but for the best. That includes a Christmas greeting. Bad idea.

I think you might be right, talaniman, because I have that feeling as well, and you always seem to be right, so I will do as you suggest and stay away from her regarding a Christmas greeting as well.

But what if she contacts me, though? I know I'm not ready for either a friendship or dating right now, but I don't want to be 100 % rejective, that's just not how I roll. I guess that if she sends me a message saying Merry Christmas, I'll just reply the same, keeping it short and simple. Or should I rather ignore the message?
I'm kind of splitted here, both things seem to make sense to me.

Thanks a lot for the reply, talaniman :) .

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

See the nurse on Monday if you feel like it,I do think you're doing well though,and you will continue to do so by sticking to the no contact and keeping busy.
Plus you have a support network which is always a good thing.
Keep going!:-)

Yeah, I think I'll do that. If not for nything else, it feels good to have someone to talk to.

Thanks, I really feel like I'm doing progress already myself, so I will definitely stick to no contact. Having people to talk to is great.

Thanks a lot!

For NC to work it needs to be 100% and that includes ignoring all contact that the ex initiates as well as not contacting her yourself.
You're doing this for you and your healing,not to be rude,but so that you won't take a step backwards after a contact.
Its about you and your life now.

Quote:

I guess that if she sends me a message saying Merry Christmas, I'll just reply the same, keeping it short and simple.

That's cool, as long as you keep it very short.

Its like passing someone on a side walk, they say "HI", and you say "HI", and you both keep walking.

Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm not going to ignore her if I walk past her, I'll still say hi to her, you know.

But I'm starting to move on now, I think. I don't think I would be depressed or hurt if she were to go out with my best friend, at this point. I'd feel let down by my best friend, and it remains to be seen if he could be forgiven for such a thing, first stealing my GF and then lying about it, but I'd be more angry than sad, really.

And if she does all she have done, and then goes out with my best friend and lies about it, saying they don't even have contact - well then she's not really a girl I'd want. I think I deserve better than that, after all.

I'm going to talk with my best friend tomorrow, I think, and I'll ask him straight out, because I need to know if something is going on between them. I won't talk to her about it no matter what his reply is, but I just need to know where he is standing right now.

Thanks for all of your replies everyone, and your help. It's really working, I feel better by the hour tonight.

Take care everyone.

Ask your friend to be totally honest with you,you deserve nothing else.
You take care too and let us know how it goes.

I talked with my friend today.

Before I said something, I needed to know where he was standing right now, with my ex, so I asked him straight out.

He told me that after all this, there obviously had been a bit of contact between them, you know, talking, but that they had decided to take a break.

I told him how I felt about the thing.
I told him that I feel like there's a line that you don't cross with your friends girlfriend, and that I feel like he has. I also told him that even though I felt forgiving him was the right thing to do this time, he couldn't expect a forgiveness to come this easily if something like this should happen again.

I had a really hard time just saying those few words, so I just had to leave after I had said that.

Shortly afterwards, I sent him a message, asking if he understood what I meant and if he could understand how I felt. He said he really could.

I asked him if they were friends or something more right now, and he said that they were friends and just had talked a bit after all that's happened.

He said that he felt like a break between them was the best thing for all of us right now.

I told him that I feel I deserve him being completely honest with me, and asked him if there were something more between them than just being friends, even if it's on hold for now.

He said that he doesn't know how she feels right now, but that he has a friendship with her, and that right now it's not working, so he told them to take a break.

I'm glad that he was honest with me, and I feel relieved just having said my part to him, no matter what the outcome should be.

I believe him when they say they are just friends, and on a break, and to be honest, I'm glad, because I don't know if I could've handled anything between them right now.

The only thing I don't like is how he constantly uses the words on a break, it makes me feel like there's something more going on between them, but I guess I might be overanalyzing things right now.

What do you guys think?

I think I would keep my distance from them both, and be busy with doing my own thing for a while. The world is to big to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation, and its filled with a lot of interesting people, who are not confused, stuck on stupid, or conflicted about themselves.