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I know that a relationship is not the best option between the two of us right now. But she was still apart of my life like no one else has been, and I would be saddened to have her leave my life completely. How can I see if she wants to have a friendship? Is this a good idea?

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If you still feel the same after going through the grieving process I would say go for it. To hold out hope now would only stop this process from working. You can only stop yourself from being healthy again by not accepting the fact she is gone.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

If you still feel the same after going thru the grieving process I would say go for it. To hold out hope now would only stop this process from working. You can only stop yourself from being healthy again by not accepting the fact she is gone.

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Does that mean you think I still have grieving to do? I know I'll never have her as a girlfriend again, moreover, I don't want to anymore. But she is still a fun person to be around, and I would like to remain on good terms with her. She hasn't spoken to me since the break up. I don't really know why. Is seeing if she is ready to have a friendship a good course of action?

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

Does that mean you think I still have grieving to do? I know I'll never have her as a girlfriend again, moreover, I don't want to anymore. But she is still a fun person to be around, and I would like to remain on good terms with her. She hasn't spoken to me since the break up. I don't really know why. Is seeing if she is ready to have a friendship a good course of action?

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LOL Okay, let's say for the sake of argument you are done with grieving (highly unlikely but possible) and that she is also (again ditto) and that you two manage to forge a great friendship. Now fast forward to next month when you meet someone even more fantastic than her (I say next month since it fits your fantasy time frame, not necessarily reality, okay?) and you are introducing new love to your new friend, your old ex...

You have a history??

And she left you when??

And you don't still have feelings for her??

Or let's say for the sake of argument new love is unbelievably openminded and says to your new friend, your old ex... "Ooooh, we have to do lunch....."

Or to really kick it up a notch, let's say your old ex introduces you to a new girlfriend of hers and you fall instantly in love with her

Or look in the mirror and ask yourself just how many boundaries are you going to run roughshod over or better yet, when are you going to start living in reality?

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

Does that mean you think I still have grieving to do? I know I'll never have her as a girlfriend again, moreover, I don't want to anymore. But she is still a fun person to be around, and I would like to remain on good terms with her. She hasn't spoken to me since the break up. I don't really know why. Is seeing if she is ready to have a friendship a good course of action?

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You have buried your feelings from yourself and are using your denial to this break-up to justify seeing your ex under the guise of friendship. Lets be clear you can BS yourself into anything you want and a lot of people do. But I know better and after reading your posts and the reactions you have given there is no way You can BS anyone here who has been through the SAME thing you are going through. You have been going through this emotional roller coaster since this break -up and have much, much more to do sorry that's just the way it is, so accept it and keep working on NO CONTACT.

Yes,

You may be looking at months but it has only been a few weeks for you if my calculation is correct. I know it is not a competition to see who has been grieving the longest but there is a good point here in that time helps put things into better perspective.

Like tal points out, you may be slipping into a period of denial and using this to justify your wish to hold onto a friendship with her with the secret hope that you will get her back as more than a friend.

You need to re-read all your posts and responses.

I did this on my own thread, when I begin to slip back slightly, I go back and read what people have told me. People on here give advice for a reason. To help you.

To answer your question to tal (from my point of view):

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

Does that mean you think I still have grieving to do?

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Yes, I would be willing to place a good bet that you still have some way to go in the grieving process.. I know I do, and I know you are different to me and we all have different coping levels but judging by your recent responses, I just think you are going up and down through the various stages of grief, such as anger, DENIAL, sadness, a feeling of acceptance of the situation but not quite.

It all takes time...

It all takes time...

The fact that I don't agree with any of you mens that you are all right. Maybe I'm in such a deep denial that I don't even know it. When it comes to situations like these, I trust all of you more than I do myself. I'll hold off on the contact, giving me a chance to think it over.

I think my worst fear is to know that she wants nothing more to do with me, in any way. Maybe I want a friendship to prove to myself (not to her) that what we had meant something and she values me.

Man, I'm really messed up.

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

The fact that I don't agree with any of you mens that you are all right. Maybe I'm in such a deep denial that I don't even know it. When it comes to situations like these, I trust all of you more than I do myself. I'll hold off on the contact, giving me a chance to think it over.

I think my worst fear is to know that she wants nothing more to do with me, in any way. Maybe I want a friendship to prove to myself (not to her) that what we had meant something and she values me.

Man, I'm really messed up.

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Man, I know what your feeling, I really do!!

Firstly, Denial by it's very nature is a defense mechanism that not only clouds your judgement but forces you to reject the reality of a situation. I'm afraid that if you are in denial, then you will not for the most part be aware of it at this stage.

Secondly, it is perfectly normal for you to fear that she wants nothing more to do with you and I understand this only too well.

Wanting friendship to prove to yourself that what you both had meant something and that she values you is not going to work.

You have nothing to prove to yourself. Why do you need to prove to yourself that what you had meant something? It meant something but if there is any truth in the fact that it possibly did not mean anything to her, then is she really worth it?

Ask yourself these questions.

You have put her on a pedestal like I did with my ex.. She's not perfect, she has her flaws and she walked out on you remember?

I am not slating her but trying to get you to view all this in a different way.

You need to stop beating yourself up. I've done exactly what you are doing, still do, but I am getting better and stronger as each day passes. Believe me, I was F***ed up for weeks (sorry for the language) and I was out getting drunk, in a right mess but I have learnt that this is not the way to heal. I stopped, I came here for help and I got it!!

I started leaning on my friends and family, I have started running again, started retraining for a different career. Don't get me wrong, I am no way fully healed and would not make such a claim but it does get better...

TRUST ME ON THIS...

Where does that leave you?

Well I'll tell you.. It leaves you with two choices.

1.) You can continue hurting yourself, questioning yourself, questioning her and above all hoping that she will come back.

Or..

2.) You can make some positive steps to begin your healing by forgetting the concept of friendship with her, begin making a new life for yourself, realise that you will find true love again. Start thinking of YOU & YOU only, get busy doing other things, perhaps go out and talk to new women, I mean not in a view to spark a new relationship but just talk to them. I've been doing that, I have been to a couple of parties, talked to a few women in a very casual way, nothing serious but it does help. Go to the gym, or start running or take up an old or new hobby. Go to the pub and have a few games of pool with some friends or join a club and make new friends. Whatever is right for you and for your progress. You have already mentioned you feel grateful for what has happened.

NOW BE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR FREEDOM (even though you would have preferred not to have it) - - THE FREEDOM TO LIVE FOR YOU AND FOR No one ELSE!

I find adding comments to your thread really interesting because I can identify so much (like Skell and Chuff did with mine) just what you are going through... And you will reach this point too!

In time..

I think the friend thing for you would be an underlining way to get her back - it never works - even if she said she would be friend.

I bet $1 million you would go ape sh-- if she started seeing another guy. It would hurt a ton for you.

Don't do it.

Just leave her alone for now. It's the best way.

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

The fact that I don't agree with any of you means that you are all right. Maybe I'm in such a deep denial that I don't even know it. When it comes to situations like these, I trust all of you more than I do myself. I'll hold off on the contact, giving me a chance to think it over.

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Well you at least are doing a very right thing trusting others right now and its okay, people in denial don't know they are until they wake up, Blaze. Denial = don't even notice I am lying (to myself)

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

I think my worst fear is to know that she wants nothing more to do with me, in any way. Maybe I want a friendship to prove to myself (not to her) that what we had meant something and she values me.

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I pasted this poem on one of the girl's threads here... forgive me if its kind of girly but its applicable here too.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really have worth.
And you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn.

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

Man, I'm really messed up.

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Yeah, its okay, we all are when we're left like that. Take it easy on yourself and it will get better, you will not always feel like you do right now.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Blaze, denial = don't even notice I am lying (to myself)

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That was great.. Never seen this one before Val..

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

That was great.. Never seen this one before Val..

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Val is known for coming up with gems.

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Man, I'm really messed up.

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Yes you are but its not permanent, I have a feeling you will get better.

I may be messed up in the way you suggest, but I meant another way. The only way it seems to get out of what I'm feeling is to change the type of girl I like. I've always wanted to have a "hard luck" type of girl. I don't really know why, maybe its my nice guy personality at its worst. I know now that relationships like this end in pain, but it like other types are boring. I don't get that strange sense of self-satisfaction when I think of being with someone else.

Why am I attracted to people like this? Why, despite her leaving me, I have a feeling that if she said the right things, I'd welcome her back with open arms.

You are all right, I'm nowhere near done with this. I know questions like this I should just ignore, but I just have to know. I question everything now.

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

I may be messed up in the way you suggest, but I meant another way. The only way it seems to get out of what I'm feeling is to change the type of girl I like. I've always wanted to have a "hard luck" type of girl.

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Hi Blaze,

May I just ask what a "hard luck" type of girl is?

I think I know what you mean by this but need some clarification.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I think the friend thing for you would be an underlining way to get her back - it never works - even if she said she would be friend.

I bet $1 million you would go ape sh-- if she started seeing another guy. It would hurt a ton for you.

Don't do it.

Just leave her alone for now. It's the best way.

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I agree with this advice too blaze. Friendship now and maybe even in the future would be a bad move considering the above.

I know I could not do it. I don't think friendships work with ex's. I have seen it happen before but there is usually tension when the ex starts seeing someone else.

An example would be a friend of mine, he split up with his ex (mutually might I add) after a 4 year relationship together. After 6 months, they tried the friendship thing. Well she found a new man and I can tell you, I could smell the tension on the air.. So he stopped being that friend because it was hurting him too much.

Even when the breakup is mutual, there are still feelings there.

Your breakup was not mutual, therefore it would be even worse I would think.

Hey balzing,

Been away for a day or two so just catching up on the developments.

Blazing, you have great advice here. Again, as I have told you before, I see so much in your posts that remind you of me. Remember the other day I suggested to you what I thought you wanted to hear from your ex?

Well you have just said it above. You want her back and would welcome her back with open arms.

You have a lot of grieving to do my friend. A real lot. Lots of emotions up and down. Times when you feel like you do now. Time when you feel like you did last week when you thought you were completely over her.

Nothing can stop it. Nothing can change it.

But you can help it be as easy as possible on you. And the best way to do that is continue down the path you have taken until now. No contact.

As Tal said. Wanting to be friends with her is an excuse for you try and get her back. You don't really want to just be her friend do you?

You were never going to be able to get away with the lying to us. You can convince yourself and lie to yourself all you like, but us, no way. We will see straight through it. You know why? Because we have done the same thing. Lied to ourselves. I did it. Geoff did it only a couple of weeks ago. We have all done it, so it easy for us to see when someone else is.

So you aren't out of the ordinary for going through a period of denial. Its part of the process.

But just try not to let your denial lead you to doing things that will harm your process. Keep posting here and hopefully we can catch you lying to yourself some more and maybe we will be able to give you a little dose of reality that wakes you up. Just like has happened here over the course of the last day or two!

Being the 'nice guy' and trying to be friends doesn't work. I truly believe you want her back and friending will only make it worse. You come across weak!

"Why, despite her leaving me, I have a feeling that if she said the right things, I'd welcome her back with open arms." - absolutely do not do the friend thing then.

Lwave her alone. Disappear for awhile.

This wasn't so hard last week. But that's the way things are in situations like this, I guess. Everyone here is right about me wanting her back, but it doesn't feel like I want her back. I guess I've been in denial for so long (about a good many things), I can't see it without help. I'll hold to the no contact, though I feel she'll forget about me rather than miss me. In time, I hope this feeling will go away.

I am fully aware about being the "nice guy", though. Never again will I be like that. It was a real eye-opener to see that the way I was acting was so counterproductive to what I wanted. Already I feel more confident, and I look at the world much differently now.

If she is such a person that can forget about someone she supposedly loved then you have to wonder whether it was ever love at all...

And if it wasn't love then you haven't really lost much at all!

Comments on this post
talaniman agrees: You missed your calling, you should have been a philosopher, Confucious couldn't have put it better!


Thanks Tal. Haha

Some people have told me I missed my calling and that I should have been a... (insert almost any job here)

But never a philosopher.

Haha

Sometimes I feel a little more like 'Confusedious'

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

I am fully aware about being the "nice guy", though. Never again will I be like that. It was a real eye-opener to see that the way I was acting was so counterproductive to what I wanted. Already I feel more confident, and I look at the world much differently now.

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Hi Blaze,

There is niothing wrong with you being a "nice Guy". That is a good thing!! There is however a difference between being a good man and a nice man. I do understand where you are coming from here. The thing is, you cannot change who you are and don't blame yourself too much for this relationship not working. I'm sure there were things that you did wrong like the rest of us.

You need to find someone who can appreciate you for who YOU are and not what they want you to be. It concerned me a bit when you said "never again will I be like that". If you are talking about changing your approach by not being so needy and available, then, yes this is a positive step. If you are talking about trying to change your personality to increase the desires of others, then this is not good and will simply not work. You are who you are. Like I say, there is nothing wrong with who you are. If there were more "nice" people in the world, then it would be a much better place to live in.

What I say is be happy with who you are, get busy living and the right woman will come along who can appreciate you for who you are and who you really want to be.

Take it easy Blaze..