Ask Me Help Desk - Relationship Breakup Help

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Originally Posted by chuff

I agree 100% with Tal. So much in fact I was going to spread some reputation but for some reason this website limits that to folks who provide consistent good advice. But I digress...

Geoff, you ex knew this relationship was over long before you did. She knew it was over while she was still in it with you. Just going by some of the things you wrote it appears she knew it at least 6 months ago if not longer.

Sorry to keep going over this Chuff but why if this was the case, why did she not end it sooner?

I know that must be a hard question for you to answer because you don't know what is going on in her mind but why string me along like that..

But I don't disagree with you, the idea was growing in her brain... but the thing that hurts in reflecting on this is that she told me she loved me even a couple of weeks before and yet when I questioned her about why she said this 5 days after the breakup, she said she was just being two faced.

I know I should not be doing this to myself but I can't help it, I've done what you said, been out running, trying to get it all together... I think it is just a matter of time.

I think what is making it harder for me is that I am out of work at the moment, retraining so I have more time to fill...

She didn't end it sooner because although they know it is over and have in most cases been thinking about it for a while it still takes a lot of courage to do it.
My ex was thinking about it for a month or so before hand and it wasn't until I finally caught on that something was wrong and approached her that she came clean.

She told me she was scared and wanted to fight the feelings she was feeling because she had always until just recently wanted to spend her entire life with me. She still wanted to but the feeling she felt were there and not going away.

It isn't stringing you along. I really think they do it because they did truly love you and although they don't anymore they still care about you and don't want to see you hurt. It is a tough thing for them to do. It is tougher on us but still I'm sure isn't a pleasant experience for them!

Look man, I know the pain you are going through only too well. It still cuts me up a little but I'm getting much better. Once I really and truly accepted it was over I began to get better.

Correct me if I am wrong but I can see in your posts that you want to be told she might come back? You want to hang onto the thought that if you don't contact her and do all the things we tell you here that she will come running back.
I thought the same.

You know what? It doesn't. She is gone.

All this no contact, running, hanging with friends, reflection etc isn't to be done with the thought in the back of your mind that it will bring her back. I know for a while that is what drove me to do it.

Not good. Your driving factor to do all this should be about you. Realising it is what is best for you.

Your going OK. It is hard and you will have so many ups and downs that at times you will think you are gong mad. But just keep moving forward slowly and will get better!

Keep offering your great advice here too. That will help you more than you realise!

You know what Skell,

There is no need for me to correct you! Because you are right on the money...

I have been thinking irrationally in this way and it's not like me to do this.

To be perfectly honest, if I were viewing this from an outsiders perspective, I really don't think she will ever be back.

I am capable of letting go, I think I just need more time, I don't think 9 weeks is enough yet but I will get there!

I seem to be giving good advice to others but struggling a little with my own! Normal I guess.

How long has it been fore you Skell?

You sound quite emotionally well and clear headed (with respect)..

Your spot on mate. 9 weeks is no time. No time at all.

There is no limit but I do know that after 9 weeks there was still a lot of confusion and fear for me. In fact all the feelings I see you feeling in your posts I felt as well. That is why I could so easily recognise it. As I'm sure others here could too.

I gave good advice to others as well but struggled with my own. In fact I still do at times. Not much but every now and then I find myself slipping and think to myself "hang on a minute, your preaching such and such to others yet here you are not doing it yourself".

At least you are recognising that! That is good. It means you can think and look at yourself in a critical perspective.

I suppose I am thinking a lot more rationally and clear headed now. But that took along time and many many ups and downs. Trust me. You are going to go through lots of feelings and more pain. It is how you deal with those ups and downs which is important.

It has now been about 7 months for me out of a 7 year relationship. And a very good relationship might I add with a wonderful person. We went through a lot and trust me, it cut me up bad. And I mean real bad. It still does at times (just not as much).

When she first told me I lost it. I was an absolute emotional wreck. Cried all day and all night. I locked myself in my office at work and just cried. I would wake at 2 in the morning that anxious and alone that I would have to put my runners on and go for a run because the only time I felt comfortable alone was when I was running.

I would go to places out and about knowing I would probably run into her and I would beg and plead. Yuck. Argh I get mad at myself just thinking about it. I also wish I had found this place sooner to help me and listen to the great advice.

That is just the beginning. I was a mess and did a lot of things I really really regret. In fact the things I did probably pushed her away for ever even as a friend. But I have to deal with that and learn. Which is what I have done.

Thanks for asking me though. It has given me a chance to vent again. Which I haven't done for a while. I feel much better.

But please go back and read my past threads and how I was. And also feel free to PM me anytime if you want to ask something. I am far form and expert but I just know from RECENT experience what you are going through and if I can help you learn form my mistakes then I will be more than happy!

Sorry everyone for the long post. I just started and it kept on coming!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Sorry to keep going over this Chuff but why if this was the case, why did she not end it sooner?

She didn't end it sooner because she slowly cut you off and/or out of her life. She knew this relationship was over while she was still dating you. Just by reading some of your posts I'm guessing she knew it was over as far back as 6 months ago. When she started talking about what she's missed and that she wished she met you later in life she had already decided it was over. At that point she was laying the groundwork and giving herself reasons to justify what she was planning on doing as far as ending this relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I know that must be a hard question for you to answer because you don't know what is going on in her mind but why string me along like that...?

Well believe it or not it's not that hard to answer. If you look at her from the perspective of how human beings behave instead of looking at her from the perspective of you ex girlfriend it makes perfect sense what she did. She strung you along to protect herself. From what you write and the statements she made, it sounds like she determined along time before she told you that this relationship was over. I bet she even put “feelers” out to people to see if there was any interest in dating her.

In other words she slowly turned you off emotionally as opposed to just end it and suffer any emotional loss. To put it bluntly she played you.

No matter what you tell yourself about how great a person she is, she knew exactly what she was doing. I think that is one of the worst things to face after being dumped. You would never have done that to somebody else, much less the person you loved, yet they had no problem doing it to you, and worse yet they do it on purpose. You know as I go back and think about some of the times I've been dumped it makes perfect sense, and I should have seen it coming if I'd just opened my eyes to all the signs. But I, like you, am a very emotional person so it's hard to think with your head and not your heart when you're in the middle of the relationship.

Another issue you're facing is that this is the first time this has happened to you. This cannot be overlooked. I hate to say this because it sounds so …. Um….. strange perhaps but getting dumped gets easier after it happens a couple times. The thing you need to do is focus on the future. In 6 months or year or at some point you will look back with a clear head and realize yourself all the signs you missed and then hopefully become a better person for it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

but I don't disagree with you, the idea was growing in her brain... but the thing that hurts in reflecting on this is that she told me she loved me even a couple of weeks before and yet when I questioned her about why she said this 5 days after the breakup, she said she was just being two faced.

She said that because it makes it sound like she's taking the blame and putting herself down while you question yourself and not her. And what have you been doing?

Again, she did it on purpose with full knowledge of the result that would happen. It doesn't help when you continue talking to her mom or her friends or her because it only reinforces that she's got you right where she wants you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I know I should not be doing this to myself but I can't help it, I've done what you said, been out running, trying to get it all together...I think it is just a matter of time.

Time is a big factor, absolutely. Try running twice a day. Perhaps if you have the means take a vacation for the weekend. If not, go to a nature trail and wonder around there for a day. I don't drink a lot but maybe just getting out to a bar this weekend as something different would be a good idea. What I'm saying is try putting some new things, places, ideas, people, and surroundings in your head.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I think what is making it harder for me is that I am out of work at the moment, retraining so I have more time to fill...

Can you get a part time job perhaps? It doesn't have to pay much, just get you out of the house and doing something new. If not try to find things to fill your time with.

Here's a suggestion that's close to home actually, I came to this website some time ago seeking help. Then I started reading posts and realizing that maybe I could offer assistance to some people in need and I've become addicted. I feel great because I'm helping others, and by offering suggestions to others it only reinforces some of the actions I need to take in the future.

There is only one draw back and that is that I spend way too much time on the internet now. LOL.

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Originally Posted by Skell

Sorry everyone for the long post. I just started and it kept on coming!

Yeah, I can relate! Sometimes I think I'm just going to write one or two sentences and it turns into a book.

"Comments on this post
chuff agrees: I didn't realize that had happened to you Skell, you seem to be doing great in all the posts I read from you. I'd say your making progress because I didn't even realize this about you."

Thanks chuff. But it takes time. And I wouldn't go along and say I am completely over her. I won't lie. I'm not. But my life is good again without her. But time is what it takes.

That is why I especially stress the importance of taking time to yourself after a break up. I hate to see people who come here asking for advice on how to approach their new relationship when they are just a month or 2 out of a very long one.

I always recommend they don't get involved at all. It rally takes time to grieve and get over the last one. Not to mention the period when I think you need to reflect on how to make it work next time. Rushing back in doesn't give you the chance.

Thank Chuff and Skell! I appreciate all your support... I am finding this site really useful because it has really opened my eyes to things I never thought of before about my ex and our relationship together.

When you put it all like that, I think there were very big signs that she wanted out, I don't think there was much I could do even if I was to go back, the fact was, she was young and felt tied down...

I understand it, I don't necessarily like it, but I understand. It's strange though is'nt it how Love can blind what is actually going on. I went round a friends house last night and managed to avoid talking about her until the end of the night when he brought up his past relationship which ended under similar circumstances, except he was married with kids.

He said to me "I could see the signs were there Geoff, she was manipulating you, but you were smitten" he said he could see it would not last but would not and could not tell me because he could see how much she meant to me.

In a way, I am glad that this happened because it has opened my eyes up more about relationships and the positive and negative things about them.

It's kind of good though that my feelings of sadness and anger are reducing more and more as the days pass, they are not gone yet but I am sure they will.

I think if you truly love someone and they no longer want you to be part of their life, then you should let them go.. I want to accept that I will possibly never see her ever again but always have good memories of the times we shared whilst the relationship was working.

I think some things that happened to you, happened to me. My ex said a while back that he was fed up with having the same conversations with his friends, he seemed to be fed up with his friends, his flat, everything. He mentioned back in March that he wanted things to be the way they were before, i.e. it was his fault he was out with his friends drinking more, and a woman from his work stated texting him just before we split up, she is about 40 or 30's or something, and lives with her boyfriend. She text him a photo of herself and her cat believe it or not! I was not very happy about this. Maybe he felt flattered by this, who knows!! It put things in my mind, but I did make a joke about it. When things get so complicated you are best out of them I think.

Hmmmm - did you think there might be someone else?

I hate say this - BUT, Usually WHEN soemeone says they want to be by themselves, free etc. - someone else!!

Hi Wildcat,

It does not matter to me anymore, because if there was someone else, so be it, she was too young anyway, had not dated anyone else.

To be honest, she told me that someone in her work had asked her for a drink, so yes, she was clear that she liked him, subsequently, I found out from her brother that he turned out to be an a** who had more than one girl, if you get what I'm saying. So she has already ben burned once and although that hurts because I never wanted to see her get hurt in any way, she needs to experiment anyway and explore single life.

She told me she just wanted to be alone, not with anyone, I think what she really wanted was to date different men, have fun and do what a 20 year old should do. She said she felt tied down.. She wanted out for a while, probably 6 months like Chuff said.

The great thing about all this is that for the first time since our breakup, I am beginning to accept that YES, she was putting 'feelers' out and YES, she did want to be single and date different people. She did not necessarily want anything serious with this guy at work, but curiosity was eating at her after spending 3 years with me, the only man in her life.

The thought of her with another man does not make me feel good, but what she is doing really has nothing to do with my relationship I had with her and I am learning that loving someone is also thinking about their interests and learning to let go.

I feel like I am going to be a much stronger person through all this!

I don't even feel the need or want to contact her or any of her relatives whatsoever and have not done for weeks...

Yes it still hurts, but time really is a good healer!

Sorry for the long post folks, I get carried away sometimes...

It sounds as though you are doing so well, stay strong. X

Quote:

Originally Posted by wap

I think some things that happened to you, happened to me. My ex said a while back that he was fed up with having the same conversations with his friends, he seemed to be fed up with his friends, his flat, everything. He mentioned back in March that he wanted things to be the way they were before, ie it was his fault he was out with his friends drinking more, and a woman from his work stated texting him just before we split up, she is about 40 or 30's or something, and lives with her boyfriend. She text him a photo of herself and her cat believe it or not!! I was not very happy about this. Maybe he felt flattered by this, who knows!!! It put things in my mind, but I did make a joke about it. When things get so complicated you are best out of them I think.

This is a good point, when a relationship is about to end, others who may be interested in your ex can sense that they may not be happy, either through conversation or just by the way the person behaves. Whe I look back to the weeks running up to my split with her, there was something different about her... She looked at me differently, talked differently, I think I even sensed an aura of emotional deadness.. Not to keep bringing up the past but the guy who was showing an interest in her before the split could very well have sensed that she wanted out and used the opportunity to his advantage...

Well, he turned out to be a jerk apparently anyway, more than one girl in his life if you get my drift, so I was told.. Point is, I think an outsider can sense when someone wants out of a relationship while the dumpee is hopelessly blind to what is going on until it is to late..

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I think an outsider can sense when someone wants out of a relationship while the dumpee is hopelessly blind to what is going on until it is to late..

That is exactly why you go into a relationship healthy as possible and have a balanced life to begin with. It goes a long way in seeing things in a realistic manner rather than be blinded by emotional dependency. Its one thing to be sensitive and caring and quite another to be needy or dependent. The difference can be so subtle that you may not recognise what your doing until its too late and can only get over another failed relationship. If we fail to recognise our mistakes then we will repeat them over and over until we get it right. And yes you better believe there are people who can read people who are unhappy or vulnerable and know exactly how to use this to their advantage.

Woke up last night,

In a bit of a panic, heart was beating fast, think I must have been dreaming.. wondered where she was and realised that she was not there anymore, by my side.. You know, ehn you wake up all of a sudden and don't quite register where you are or what situation you are in.

Reality kicked in.. It was a strange intense sense of aloneness! Soon enough though I settled down into a peaceful sleep..

I guess I am still going through the motions a bit. I have been thinking less of her though over the past few days though..
I still get the angry moments and the Why? Why? Why? That turn into intense sadness but then I just go for a run and try to forget it.

I find that offering help to others on here that are going through similar problems helps divert my attention from my own situation to other's. It also kind of puts everything into perspective when I hear that others are going through the same feelings.

Yeah we are all feeling the same way, so you are not alone..
I Wonder when these dreams stop... I had one(it was so real) on Friday night also and I thought I was getting better...
Yes giving advice here really helps, the are so many people in the similar situations.

I think the dreams stop or become less when you don't think so much about your ex during the day.. At least that is what I find.

It is hard for me on Sunday's, I dread them... It seems to me that I think more about it on this day and therefore because of this, I dream!

Yes I used to hate Sundays also(seeing all those couples and families together)... Now I have found a solution, I go to places where there are mostly single people. Example I go and run/walk where there are mostly people alone. This kind of helps to see that there are more people alone apart from yourself.

Hi guys, I had a dream last night too, and woke up with thoughts in my head started analizing things and couldn't sleep. I very rarely have problems sleeping too. It is hard to get rid of these thoughts and dreams at night though.

Yeah, you do wake up and realise eventually where you are and that person is not with you anymore, it's a horrible feeling : (

PS. This is a common thing about Sundays, I hated them at first, I feel generally low on a Sunday anyway, as they are quiet. I guess because it is coming to the end of the weekend, people have had fun the night before etc etc

I do ironing on a Sunday, spend time online, watch TV, get stuff ready for work, I looked at my Italian, had an early night