Ask Me Help Desk - Advice For Getting Guy Back

I just got an email from him now...

Hi Rol,
Sorry for contacting you (as you told me to wait), but I was wondering if there's any news about renting the room as we talked.I would really appreciate if you can keep me informed so that I can organize myself.
Thank you.

I guess I should reply just business like example"yes the room has been rented , please send me your bank info and i will start transferring money from February" Should I say anything else?

OK a few questions now for all ye experts out there, wake up I need your help!
So my first thoughts were just to write a business like email... but by doing will he think I'm still all emotional about the break up ?

So the thing now I don't understand is

1. do I show I'm fine with the breakup? In saying example, no problem I'm OK now life goes on etc, or something like that?

2. do I appear business like
, but that way he will think I'm pissed off and not contact me again until I contact??

Hi Rol, I am just about awake ha ha !

Personally, I don't think I would say anything like 'life goes on'. I would try to not mention anything from the past. I would just keep the email in the same tone, that he sent to you. Then that way you are replying, but you are not giving anything away about how you are doing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wap

Hi Rol, I am just about awake ha ha !

Personally, I don't think I would say anything like 'life goes on'. I would try to not mention anything from the past. I would just keep the email in the same tone, that he sent to you. Then that way you are replying, but you are not giving anything away about how you are doing.

Hi Rol, I have just finished my third cup of coffee, so I am just about awake! LOL

Completely agree with this advice by Wap rol..

Don't be too business like as that will show you are annoyed/resentful as you point out. At the same time, don't give anything away, don't talk about the breakup or say that you are fine or not fine with it.

Don't ask him what he is doing or how he is. Just be polite and as Wap says, reply in the same tone as he sent to you.

You can't go wrong then.

Thanks guys, I'm waking up again after lunch ;-)
And thinking more clearly :)

Ill just be polite then, no talk about how I am. Just polite business talk and nothing that needs a reply to it.

So I finally sent my polite business like mail and he sent one back right away hoping that the new housemate was nice , so I guess I shouldn't have bothered replying... but I sent a funny oneliner back about her, then he sent a funny one liner back. Now back to No contact again for me...

Quote:

Originally Posted by rol

, but that way he will think im pissed off and not contact me again until i contact????????????

Hi Rol,

Looks like you handled it well. I wouldn't worry so much though about how you come across to him.

Who cares frankly. He is your ex and you should be worrying about how you come across to yourself. Not what he thinks. Who cares!!

What do you mean by the above line in your post above?

"not contact me again until I contact?"

Are you planning on contacting him in the future?

Why?

Sorry if I have understood wrong!

What I meant was that I like to end things nicely and don't like any biterness or bad feelings.

No I'm not going to contact him

Well its been almost 2 months since we broke up, and I've become much stronger person, and have a busy life, have met some new people, started new sports and interests.. I'm happy and smiling.

And well I feel like being in contact with my ex again.. I am ready to just be friends.

I will not have to act like all is fine , as all is fine with me!!

I think I'm going to send a message for the new year.

I expected you to finally come to that conclusion, since that's what's been on your mind for a few weeks now. A few feel good texts had you thinking doesn't it?

<<I expected you to finally come to that conclusion, since that's what's been on your mind for a few weeks now. A few feel good texts had you thinking doesn't it?>>

Ha ha yeah maybe that's it..
Maybe its Christmas.
Maybe its from watching a crappy love movie last night!!
Or maybe I just am really ready to be friends, or maybe I am not.

But is patience not sometimes good to have? You really think I should never contact him again?

I think its been on your mind, because you need the closure, and you have something to prove to yourself. I also know that this time of year brings out strong feelings. I've watched you do so well, and just don't want you to take the focus off you yet. I think that is important. This is the first holiday apart, so I do understand the need to test yourself. I still think you put far too much importance on what he thinks, since it really shouldn't matter. I imagine you'll get a lot of feedback, so just my thoughts, you have been doing quite well though the way I see it.

Thanks Tal,

Well I think I already had closure, I did have a good converstion with him 2 months ago.
The only thing I kind of regret was saying "i cannot be just friends" it kind of seems like a spoilt child that just wants everything..

However I just don't want him out of my life like that ,if I contact him its not to get back together as we both do need to get both of our lives in order again.

And is it so bad to send a happy new year message? We were best friends after all and I think it's a bit stubborn and seems stupid not to send him a happy new year message like I would do to any of my friends.

OK, I'm still thinking about it... and what is good for me

Quote:

Originally Posted by rol

Hi there,
anyone who cares to help but i have seen alot of posts by wildcat and skell about this...
My fiance recently broke with me as he wanted to be alone after 3 years together, aged 32 and 33,i became his passion and he forgot about himself , so after seeing each other as friends for the last 4 months we finally broke up properly last week, he loves me but needs to be alone to find his passion for life and as i was his first girlfriend to live with he gave too much of himself. I am an independent girl and always kept my own life but i guess he was so much in love and forgot himself and his life became my life. He wants to stay friends but i told him how i told him from the beginning i cannot just be friends that i need all or nothing..So now im trying to find myself again and get new interests , meet new people... Is it possible he could regret sometime, could a man really want a life alone?

Any help would be great,Thanks.

I'm going through the same thing you are right now. In reading this post I've come to learn a lot about my own situation. I dated a girl for 2 years and she ended things with me after a month and 1/2 break in the relationship. Our relationship was complicated as it was long distance, requiring a lot of work and sacrifice. But we still saw each other enough to make it work. Like your situation she doesn't know what she wants out of life. And to complicate things even more, she was adimit on relocating to a different part of the country because it was something she always wanted to do. I agreed to join her and move, but the stipulation from my side was that the move wasn't about "what you want" or "what I want", but "what we want" and "whats best for us." So that was the plan for several months. But then I could feel things starting to change and would catch her unconsciously talking about her and what she wanted in conversations with friends. Finally all her personal issues came to the surface and the more I proded to understand her, the more issues came up that I never knew existed and it was all exasperated by her not knowing what she wanted out of life. I remained supportive and thoughtful because I thought it would help her realize what she had in us. And although it was what I thought was right in my heart I've come to realize it was the wrong thing to do because the answers she was looking for were ones she had to come up with on her own. By being supportive I think it put even more pressure on her. I found out how truly unhappy she is with her career choice and where she's at in life. I exposed her weaknesses without intentionally trying to do so and it scared her. I tried to support her and help her but she took offense to it and finally our relationship ended. She complained about the distance and acted like we didn't know each other well enough to take the next step and live together, then it was about me changing to be with her, then it was how do I know you're the one. I cut her off with answers to everyone of these questions and it frustrated her even more because I could tell she was trying to let go. She didn't have the courage to break it off, I knew it but I drug it out and made it as hard as possible on her by trying to come up with all the answers. Finally after a month and 1/2 of this it came down to I feel like this relationship has grown more into a friendship. In the end she left it at " I love you and I care about you a lot but I'm not ready for a commitment." She told me she needed to figure out what she wanted out of life and that she felt like I had to put my life on hold while she figured this all out.

I've struggled with this now for 2 months and it's the hardest experience I've ever gone through in my life. I'm 30 years old and I thought this was the girl I would marry and I know she put a lot of thought into whether I was "the one" because she brought it up as we went through this and I had never talked about my intentions with her until she finally ended it. I also think I did this because I felt responsible for this in some way, but I'm really starting to see what I was most worried about was my own insecurities. And when I thought about it more, I realized it wasn't so much about me as it was about her. To her credit she really tried to sort things out and the more she did this the more confusing things got for me. I realized it was a waste of time trying to find answers to questions for which there are no answers. People need to know who they are and what they truly want out of life before they can be truly be happy with someone else. They can either choose to face their fears or avoid them and runaway and go with what is comfortable. The choice to grow is there own.

In retrospect I wish I knew sites like this existed because I would have done things differently. I wouldn't have approached this with her like this was the end of the world. I groveled and offered to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work and tried to remind her of all the amazing times we had. I even went as far as recalling old conversations we had about us and what we had in each other. And I realize there's no need to do that because she lived those times with me. In doing this and being so supportive it only made her think about our difficulties because she needed to find a way to justify why she was ending things.

She knew how hard this was on me and went out of her way to show me how much she cared about me with cards and phone calls during and after our break. It made me feel better knowing she cared but it damaged mypride knowing she didn't care for me the way she used to. As a guy it's hard for me to understand what it means to "love someone" but to walk away and feel bad about breaking their heart. To me it's either you love or you don't love and there's no between. The hardest part for me was regaining my selfworth and telling her it was too hard for me to keep in contact with her if we weren't together. I left it at I want to see her again sometime and she agreed. I think about her everyday, its hard adjusting to not hearing that voice on the other end of the line or exchanging emails daily. But for now I'm working on my confidence and overcomming my insecurties.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rol

thanks Tal,

well i think i already had closure, i did have a good converstion with him 2 months ago.
The only thing i kind of regret was saying "i cannot be just friends" it kind of seems like a spoilt child that just wants everything..

However i just dont want him out of my life like that ,if i contact him its not to get back together as we both do need to get both of our lives in order again.

and is it so bad to send a happy new year msg? we were best friends after all and i think its a bit stubborn and seems stupid not to send him a happy new year msg like i would do to any of my friends.

ok, im still thinking about it.... and what is good for me

I think as Tal suggests, you may just need closure. I don't think it is such a bad thing to wish him a happy new year. Like you say, you were best friends and had a lot of history together. This time of year is bound to be full of emotions especially this being the first one since the break-up. If you feel ready for friendship and I applaud you if you are, then sending a message like this won't do any harm because your intentions are quite genuine.

You will be fine Rol, you are strong either way. Oh, if I don't get to say it nearer the time, or if I forget, have a great christmas and new year!! :)

Also, like you I am debating whether or not to contact her over the holidays. One of her friends gave me this whole the holidays are a magical time crap and it might be worth a shot. I want to do it, but it's probably better to have her think about me. And besides the phone and the mail work both ways.

But like you, the situation is complicated more because I told her I didn't want to talk to her. It's sad, but I really want to know what she's thinking. I guess that's why I've proded a mutual friend of ours for info on how she's doing. I'm even debating hanging out with our friend in the prescence of a girl who wants to go on a date with me in hopes of it getting back to my x. Sad to say the least, but I'm fighting the ulterior motives and am not the type of person to use someone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rol

Hi there,
anyone who cares to help but i have seen alot of posts by wildcat and skell about this...
My fiance recently broke with me as he wanted to be alone after 3 years together, aged 32 and 33,i became his passion and he forgot about himself , so after seeing each other as friends for the last 4 months we finally broke up properly last week, he loves me but needs to be alone to find his passion for life and as i was his first girlfriend to live with he gave too much of himself. I am an independent girl and always kept my own life but i guess he was so much in love and forgot himself and his life became my life. He wants to stay friends but i told him how i told him from the beginning i cannot just be friends that i need all or nothing..So now im trying to find myself again and get new interests , meet new people... Is it possible he could regret sometime, could a man really want a life alone?

Any help would be great,Thanks.

Rol,

If you don't mind. I'd like to lean on you sometime to understand the thinkings of strong independent women like yourself.

Ryan

Hi Ryan ,
Thanks for the messages.
Yes of course you can, send me pm's if you need to try and understand something. I hope I can help.

To both Rol and Rocket - Ending it as friends, not enemies is always good but that is predicated on it ending. If you really think it through, remaining active friends with ex's just doesn't have a lot going for it -- its awkward at best if you are truthful about it and I sense it's a way to keep the hope alive for those who like to remain in denial about it really being over.

What happens when you meet someone else? Your ex, now friend suddenly gets dumped as a friend? Or you try to be openminded about it and offer your new partner the opportunity to meet your friend, the ex? How's that going to work? I mean gee why not have a menage a trois while you're at it? Or supposing its your ex who meets someone? If it was all that casual to begin with, then why all the broken hearted stuff? I think its wise to spare people's feelings and drift away from ex's where possible and deliberately distance where not.

And as for that denial that its really and truly over... for every day you live in that denial, you delay your ability to properly grieve the loss. And failure to properly grieve the loss means you really didn't let go. It carries over into that next relationship, not as legit experience, but as excess baggage that you can almost plan on it, at some point, interfering with that relationship. There is a HUGE difference between legit past experience and unfinished business.

This is how it works with people, you only need look into the world to see this and its just not possible to bend it all with your will to make it work any other way-- otherwise we'd all be doing that LOL

Rol,

Do you see some similarity in our situation? What is your advice to me?

Rocket

<<What happens when you meet someone else? Your ex, now friend suddenly gets dumped as a friend? Or you try to be openminded about it and offer your new partner the opportunity to meet your friend, the ex? How's that going to work? I mean gee why not have a menage a trois while you're at it? Or supposing its your ex who meets someone?

>>

Ha ha
Well lets see, with my first ever boyfriend(13 years ago !), we remained friends after ,sending emails here and there and we are still in contact.. he is now married with 2 kids. He wanted to get back together a year after we broke but I had already moved country etc by then and I was not going back.

Another guy I went out with for a few months(the type who is a bit like your brother Val, that you mentioned on another post) and we broke up and we remained great friends , and it was through him that I met this guy.. but he was never told that me and that guy had a brief relationship, that was hsitory by then .so staying friends with exes does have some advantages after all ha ha.

No menages a trois though lol ;-)

<<Your ex, now friend suddenly gets dumped as a friend? Or you try to be openminded about it and offer your new partner the opportunity to meet your friend, the ex? >>

I never dump any friends ;-) if the new guy I was to meet could not accept that I wanted to stay friends with an ex then he would be dumped!

Quote:

Originally Posted by rol

<<What happens when you meet someone else? Your ex, now friend suddenly gets dumped as a friend? Or you try to be openminded about it and offer your new partner the opportunity to meet your friend, the ex? How's that going to work? I mean gee why not have a menage a trois while you're at it?? Or supposing its your ex who meets someone?

>>

ha ha
well lets see, with my first ever boyfriend(13 years ago !), we remained friends after ,sending emails here and there and we are still in contact.. he is now married with 2 kids. he wanted to get back together a year after we broke but i had already moved country etc by then and i was not going back.

Another guy i went out with for a few months(the type who is a bit like ur brother Val, that you mentioned on another post) and we broke up and we remained great friends , and it was through him that i met this guy..but he was never told that me and that guy had a brief relationship, that was hsitory by then .so staying friends with exes does have some advantages after all ha ha.

no menages a trois though lol ;-)

Please Rol, this is not meant to sound snotty but rather it's a sincere question or a way to make a valid point-- take your pick, okay? And all this method of yours has led you to find a partner with whom you are now in a successfully committed relationship that has proved itself by enduring over time? I can certainly take being disagreed with but I still claim that some of what is suggested here about trying to get an ex back doesn't hold up in the real world very well. Talking from experience is far more useful than talking from only opinions or books but the ones who's experiences amounted to actual success might be a good place to pay attention to. Just a thought.