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The thing you need to recognize is maybe your letting past problems, influence small everyday problems, and making them bigger than what its worth.
Something's are only a temporary glitch, that will pass, if you let it.
PMS?? Geez dude, every guy knows that's the worst time of the month for man, and woman!!
Let it go, you have enough problems, without making more from nothing.
OK. Will take your advise talaniman. I reckon I am taking past issues and reviving them for the sake of justifying what is happening.
Hi again.
Got something else to add.
New thing that happened. If you have read my life thread, and you are familiar with all the past stuff, then maybe you can tell me if I am handling this the right way.
Tuesday night, she got home. We just finished moving into our new place so we were both over tired, stressed from the sudden shift in life's responsibilities.
The 4 nights before this I tried to get her into the mood. But failed. I understood its due to stress, the big change of moving etc. So I let it go. Any case. Tuesday I had a headache like never before from falling on my head during the day. I was tired from all the moving and carying stuff.
So I was lying in bed, when she woke me. She tried seducing me, but almost as if just trying to make up for the other 4 nights, but still I wanted to be seduced but was too tired to do anything to seduce her. Short while later she stopped said I should just sleep in her arms. OK. Then she asks me why the lack of passion from my side?
I made the mistake of saying its because I feel rejected after 4 consecutive nights of trying in vein. She got super mad. So a fight began. And she told me I am too much of an effort in her life(because I am always anti social) and that she has given up so much for me (drugs and she blames me for giving up her friends which is not true... they disappeared when she stopped doing drugs). We never have fun and she feels like an old lady. She also told me I am always serious which frankly was BS. I made some bad moves and said bad things when she mentioned our sex life.
We talked about it. Everything that was mentioned. Including the other night when she told me her mom does not want me to marry her. Then we got in bed. The phone rang and we got out of bed and went out with friends for some drinks.
So everything appears to be fine. She laughed and had a great time. Yesterday everything was very chill. Not one mention of any of the issues. But there was this long silence. Maybe because I kind of did not respond to her talking for about an hour then she stopped talking.
I just felt, well if she says nothing is wrong after the huge fight, why the need to speak if she always calls it comfortable silence?
So I am pretending nothing is wrong because she said nothing is wrong. No more Mr. Serious. I believe the best way to go is to stop analyzing everything so much. This would then have prevented me saying what I did which sparked the argument.
It seems she needs to have more fun and less seriousness in her life. And to be honest, since I stopped talking serious stuff with her, I feel better... but I still have this nagging sensation that she is really getting bored with me.
Interesting you chose to dredge up a, what you thought was a slight from the past, instead of saying you had a headache, from a fall on your head, and was tired from the days events.Quote:
I made the mistake of saying its because I feel rejected after 4 consecutive nights of trying in vain.
That's not honest communications, and lead to a misunderstanding.
I believe thinking before you speak, leads to better communicating, and not some tit for tat excuse, that was meant to hurt.
You can correct that with the truth, and an apology, and some understanding of why you felt bad by her rejection of your attempts at seduction. Bad timing, and not very compassionate of her feelings, which you wrongly took personally.
Yip. I did apologise and explained myself better after the dust settled. Hopefully I can prevent this in the future.
Hi.
Not sure what to do or if there are any great self help books out there. Please be so kind as to recommend some.
My situation. I am insecure. For instance, we were at a theme park standing in the que and I got frustrated at the fact that my fiancé would constantly turn her back towards me and instead chose to stand next to my friend and not me. The entire day she would not look at me once, but constantly stare into my friends eyes and talk with him, but not once with me.
If I go an stand by her side she would move to the opposite barrier and look away from me, turning her back to me.
When I talk only my friend looked and responded. She would not look, smile or respond in any way. So is started feeling insecure about this. Why she is acting this way I don't know.
I told her how I felt and she said I am going to push her away if I make this an issue. Now I feel I was in the wrong. I told her body language says a lot and the fact that she turns her back on me constantly pretending I am not there says a lot to me. She then said I imagine things etc. and started screaming about how childish I am so I just left the house.
I am starting to feel that I am no longer ready for this relationship. I never use to be this insecure, but the more my love grows the more I become insecure.
Its easy when things you cannot control take such a big chunk out of us, that its so upsetting. You can control yourself, your thoughts, and actions. I think it helps to think before you act, or speak, at least then you won't have something stupid to apologize for.
Sometimes the best actions, are none at all.
Have you had a check up, or a talk with a doctor? You should, you never know. Given your history with this female, she doesn't bring out the best in you for sure. You may be getting some of her weird moods transferred to you.
Listen to Tal!
Had to spread the love Tal... but I think your really onto something!
I am a big believer in trying to control what you can control, stop trying to control what you can't control.
Other then that; Listen to Tal! (like artlady so greatly put it!)
I will have to see a shrink at some point. Noticing a lot of issues I have, then taking it out on the relationship.
I might have some damage that I picked up 9 years ago and its starting to work itself out now. What happened was me and my ex girlfriend broke up, we were together 3.5 years. She cheated on me. A few days after the break up my best friend died in a freak accident, and then to top that off, me and my family moved far far away so I had no other friends or anyone to relate to.
Withdrew from society for roughly 8.5 years.
Took me 8 years to return to his grave and make ammends with the reality that he is gone. So I must admit getting back into the whole aspect of society, and life in general is hard.
No wonder that its hard, it sounds like you had a lot on your plate back then, and especially when life altering incidents happens all at once... it would do a number on anyone.
I'm glad that you've decided to take a hold of all of this now though, that's a good start (if one can put it in those words)
Everybody heals at their own pace, and some need more time then others.
I def recommend seeing a psychologist, I started seeing one about 4.5 years ago and has found it very helpful! I've found that it has given me the tools I need in order to deal with some difficult things... and you seem to be at a place now where you are ready to deal and face some of the issues that you have been experiencing and that's a good starting point for therapy.
I'm sorry to hear about the things that happened to you though!
Roxy
Maybe it is not you that is insecure, but your girlfriend. It sounds like she may be a little immature and not ready for a relationship. I would not want to be with someone (especially if they were my boyfriend/girlfriend) if they ignored me, saved their smiles for others, and brushed me off. It is always hard when both partners like each other on different levels. It also makes breaking up more difficult if you are the one that likes her more. However, if she treats you this way while dating, she could very well treat you similarly if you guys ever got married. Think about long-term whenever you begin to date someone. It saves a headache later on. There is a right girl out there that will definitely appreciate you.Quote:
Originally Posted by LJDK
Here is a book that you might want to read. It is called Escaping Emotional Entrapment by Daniel Rutley. It is a good read for anyone and will definitely encourage you and help you to see "things" in a different manner.
Don't sell yourself short. If you need to, make a list of what you want out of life - Long term and short term. Work towards those goals. Keep them realistic. Just remember that we all have our ups and downs, and that life is full of lessons. Learn from every situation and improve on the next.
I am sorry about what you have already had to face. These are hurdles that I know you will eventually jump over.
Good luck. Rita
Hi.
26 me
21 she
Together 7 months now. Me 7 years single (excl 1 one night stand) Her. 3 months single after 3.5 year relationship.
Not sure why I am feeling this way and it is scary as hell.
I love my fiancé very very much. We are going through that phase where you fight about everything. Small... big... does not matter. So for about 4 days all went well no fighting. Last night it started again.
Only this time it is obvious my fiancé has been keeping all the past fights against me. It all became too much for her to handle. She cried and cried and cried. Obviously very frustrated, sad and angry. So we tried talking about it, but every time when we start making progress she suddenly says we are talking in circles and then pulls away refusing to continue talking.
Now she wants a break, and go sleep at her mothers house. This morning all is fine, except when we spoke over the phone earlier I made a joke with her, she was irritated due to a customer that upset her. I ask her why and she said she doesn't want to say. Foolishly I make the joke "now my girl doesnt even want to share this with me" Bad mistake. She Screamed OMF, I'm going now... so I just put the phone down.
Text her, sorry but it was a bad joke... please let go of all the grudges you are holding against me etc. She phones back, she is sorry etc. didn't know I was joking.
Now here comes the problem. I have these constant thoughts popping up my head that I should end the relationship. The confusing part is, I feel neutral. I do not feel happy or sad. Not scared or sure. Just neutral. No emotion what so ever. I have been crying for a week or so every night, until she gets home then I hold my pose when she is the same room. Now I am just so depleted of all energies I simply do not care anymore.
I think I might have pushed her away subconciously for thinking about leaving her on and off. There was no reason for these thoughts to start except the fact that she did give off a lot of signs of cheating for 2 weeks a while ago. Stuff like, shower when she gets home, refusal to talk, distant, irritated, gets mad very easily at the slightest criticism, keeping huge distance between us when we are sleeping, only have sex when she wants to.. no compromise like in the past. So for a long long time I was convinced she is cheating, perhaps that is when the "tension" started. We also had a huge fight when I raised these little suspicions with her.
What sparked the whole fight last night is that during sexy time she reached climax. Then proceeded to say she is wondering why she can only do so with stimulation of the whatever etc. I told her most women are like this (I think) but then asked if I still do it for her in this regard. She replied "you do it for me in all other ways" I assumed she is saying no, but in all other aspect you do, but don't worry I will get this aspect from someone else. And that's how the fight started. Although I did not say she will get it somewhere else I sure did think about it.
I just want to get these thoughts out of my head. I do not want to leave her, I want to be with her and marry her when all our issues are sorted out... but why can I not suppress these idiotic thoughts of moving on? Is it intuition that is warning me? Perhaps the thought of getting married that is scary? She did ask me if I feel that I was pressured into asking her for her hand. But I was not. .
Perhaps I should give her the space she needs and use this time when she goes to sleep at her mothers as time to get back in touch with who I am. Oh yes, she also said she no longer wants to come home because its not fun like it use to be. She misses the fun we had etc. I have noticed we are both depressed these days... can't even get out of bed to do the hikes we use to etc.
Sigh... any advice... sorry for the super long post.
Threads merged
This problem has been going on for a while now. 7 months is not a very long time before getting engaged. It sounds like you didn't know her as well as you thought before jumping into a serious relationship. You need to slow things down with her. I think the fact that you're engaged is putting some pressure in the two of you to become more serious.
Slow down, spend some time talking things out and getting to know each other better. It's good that she asked for a break. Just give her some time and space to let things cool down. Once you've each gained some perspective, you will be able to approach the situation more objectively.
It is what I did yesterday. Took things slow, and I'm planning on keeping it that way. Last night was wonderful, it felt like the old days where we could just talk without any pressure.
She now changed her mind and does not want to take a break. I guess it all came down to the both of us constantly focusing on the negative and forgetting about the positive. Always trying to look for something to fix between us.
Somehow I feel happy again.
She seems to have a lot more energy today, cleaned the place before I even got up, full of smiles and giggles. I reckon you are right that the pressure of being engaged got to us. Somewhere along the line we forgot why we are together and why we liked each other.
Hi. Its me again.
My issue is something personal. Ever since she said that she doesn't want sex I have been wondering how it would be to be with someone who wants me in that way. I just do not feel wanted anymore. I know its wrong and I do not want to think about other women, but I just feel I can no longer go to my fiancé and try to get her in the mood. We hardly get to spend time together, and she is always tired when she gets home.
Candle lit baths, massages, doing the house chores etc. gets me no where... even on her off days she is too tired. I have tried everything. She's just never in the mood. What scares me even more is that I have started withdrawing emotionally from her... perhaps this is why we no longer fight. And to top that off, I have been spending more and more time with a female co worker... just smoking buddies... but that doesn't mean my mind is starting to crave more than a cige.
I don't know how to control this desire to feel wanted again. I just feel alone. In the past I would communicate this with her, but have learned that it usually ends up in a fight... and I am tired of fighting. I know I would never cheat... I would rather break it off with her... the thing is I believe the only way to resolve this is to communicate, so I have tried long and hard to get my fiancé to work through the book men from mars women from venus as it might help to learn to communicate but the only one who read the book was me. I think in the past 4 months she read the introduction.
So I told her we have to go see a intermediary... couple councilor or a pre-marriage councilor but this too results in a huge fight.
I almost left her about a week ago. I had the letter written and was ready to read it to her when she said what I needed to hear at the time. So I decided not to give up. But I am so scared I will reach that point of becoming so frustrated that I will leave.
Thing is lately I just care so little I cannot really be frustrated... I just do not care anymore. Do not feel wanted, one sided effort to learn to communicate without conflict... what's the point.
You a way to uptight guy relax, breathe, your making mountains out of mole hills. SLOW DOWN and stop trying so hard. Balance yourself with something else besides her. 7 months and your feeling the way you do because you expect too much, too soon, and will surely crash and burn. Fiancé in 7 months?? Who's idea was that?! Go back to dating her, you'll both feel better.
I guess you have a point. Maybe I am expecting too much too soon. Its just so hard to relax... need a vacation.
Guys go fishing for 3 days with their buds, to get away and relax, and think of NOTHING.
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