I do hope it works, you obviously love her very much.

All I can add is try not to be blinded by love. Too many see and interpret things about their partners that may not be entirely accurate.

I just had my 33rd wedding anniversay, so I guess that makes me a bit of an expert on long term relationships. Either that, or it makes me a total idiot lol

A foundation is a mutual meeting place that you fall back on, when times get tough. It is knowing that you are loved unconditionally, and you love unconditionally. It is respect of eachother's opinions, goals, needs, desires. The good, bad and ugly of just being human without losing the farm when you don't always present your best face to your partner.

It is having an opinion that isn't corrected, but debated. It is speaking your mind without having to wonder if lightening will strike, and having your thoughts regarded with respect, even if you disagree. It is anticipating how another will feel, before you say something, and respecting their reaction, and putting their needs first.

It is not allowing third parties to know what your intentions are, or opinions are, of problems, when your partner should be allowed privacy without influence. Some things are just within a loving circle of two people, and they should stay there.

It is humbling to be loved so deeply that you are allowed to pursue your own goals, and have someone in your life who will put your needs first. It is also a mutual goal in life to see your partner through to their goals as well. Compromise and loyalty.

It is about agreeing to disagree, and being your own person, faults and all. No two paths of any couple will always be equal. Think of it as two different roads, one going north, one going south, but the main road in the middle, is the one you travel together, at the end of every day.

It's knowing when to talk, and when to listen. When to help, when to step back. It is letting the other fight their battles and deamons, and being there with a 100% commitment when they are adapting to change.

It is also about being satisfied that you have given that extra inch, walked that extra mile, and you don't have to think twice that you can also count on that from your partner.

Much of that comes with time, but goals and plans can't be set in concrete, because even concrete is subject to the forces of nature. Adapting, and falling back to that comfortable place that only two people who love each other can do, when hard times and unpredicted events happen. You can't schedule life.

My husband is not the same person he was 33 years ago, except that the essence of him, his character, integrity, loyalty and unwaivering love is still there, stronger than ever. But then, he had all those characteristics, after 2 years of marriage, or 10...

Much of that which you will love about your partner will change, and grow, but the foundation stays the same.

Without that, it just won't work.

I have read that 4 times now and I''m trying to interpret it into my life and what I keep thinking is basically it's knowing that you can be yourself and still be loved unconditionally...

Could I possibly have examples?

All it really means is that you don't expect your partner to be anybody that he isn't, and they don't expect you to be anybody other than you are.

When you consider someone's character, what that really means is the type, or kind, of person they are. They could be compassionate, generous, attentive, loyal but they may be unmotivated to reach their potential, or try for the promotion, or cut the grass every week because they'd rather go fishing. You still love the person they are, but you realize you cannot mould them to fit how you think they should be.

Accepting the whole package means not expecting to change the essential person that they are.

My husband and I were dubbed 'the odd couple', and 33 years later we are still the odd couple. We have totally different views on politics, religion, and we are both very strong individuals in our own right. He is quiet and comfortable in his own skin, I am always into new projects, new jobs, different experiences. He doesn't expect me to sit and read a book anymore than I expect him to skate 10k with me on the Rideau Canal in Ottawa in the dead of winter.

But, all the elements we do share, are what really counts. I never presume anything, or speak for him, or interpret his words, he is his own person, and so am I. We have had some major battles, knock down drag out fights, but in the end, things have always worked out. Not one is more important than the other.

Not everybody can recognize what they need, or want in a person, let alone how they can accommodate another person's needs. When you consider how rare it is that you can have someone in your life that you can share yourself as you are, without expecting you to change essentially who you are, then you've hit the pot of gold.

Wow, that's exactly what I needed to hear...

Threads merged


I've been in a relationship now for 14 months and I love her more than anything.. but for some reason my mind picks at little tiny things and dwells on them for up to days at a time, I even dream about these tiny insignificant things

I know she loves me like I love her, and I know no matter what she's always going to be right by my side

But I can't help the little tiny things eating away at my brain

Please keep all the questions related to the same issue in the same thread.

If it bothers you so much, then don't put up with it. Otherwise, try to find compromises. You can't expect her to magically change.

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By FB
I've been in a relationship now for 14 months and I love her more than anything.. but for some reason my mind picks at little tiny things and dwells on them for up to days at a time, I even dream about these tiny insignificant things

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That's simply because you don't know how to cope with them in a positive way. From reading all your posts, which were merged by the way, your biggest obstacle is your expectations for the way she is, is a bit unrealistic, while its you, and your issues you should deal with.

For one you will never control another, but you can control yourself. In the first year your learning each others ways, and how they make you feel, and then what counts is what you do about those feelings, the adjustments you are willing to make. That takes time, and patience, and a good understanding of yourself. But as you learn, you must be patient, and know when to shut up, back off, and give her time to process the information you give her, without demanding she change.

Impulsive actions are a negative reaction, so above all, think long, and hard, before you act or speak. Its good you write things down, that's a plus. But the bottom line is always to be aware, and willing to work on your own issues, and be honest about it, with her, and yourself. The dreams will stop, and the obsessive behavior, and thinking, will fade as through developing good social coping skills, will change the way you react when presented with them.

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I know she loves me like I love her, and I know no matter what she's always going to be right by my side
But I can't help the little tiny things eating away at my brain

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First to offset inexperience, gathering facts is the way to go, I suggest these links to you.

Coping skill - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Coping.org, Tools for coping with life's stressors

Basically what is needed is a plan of action when those thoughts pop up, like when she does things differently from what you think she should, ask why she does it that way and then you can understand her why and not presume you need to re-teach her, that's about acceptance, putting your feelings in their place, and having the appropriate action for the best results. Through practicing that strategy over and over, you actually retrain your brain to think different, and act different.

Another thing is your age. Your both young, and sound fairly well trained in the classroom, but your education in personal interactions, may need further work, and this is a process, like all learning and growing, so patience, and compassion are the tools to develop. You both have to allow each other to grow, and that means give each other the time and space, to do so. That's how you work together to build the bonds of communications and start a strong foundation on which to build a loving caring relationship.

So what I'm starting to think is this comes down to a trust issue.

My trust issue, and not being able to completely and fully let her in. I think I'm sort of keeping a distance between us, and trying to make it look like there's no distance if that makes any sense at all.

It's like I'm not letting myself completelly and fully trust her, maybe because of what's happened in my past, maybe because I'm scared of what could happen so I try to expect everything coming.

I expect her to be a terrible girlfriend just like the ones I've had in my past, I think I expect her to cheat and lie and just be a to me. When she's done none of that to me, I've never seen any signs of it there's just no possible way she'd do that, yet for some reason that's what I'm scared of. That's why I take off work to be with her on Saturday nights, so she can't hang out with her sleazy friends, that's why I have a problem with her drinking, that's why I get worried when she goes on vacation, that's why we have so many problems is because I can't trust her, even though deep down I know she's perfect and no matter what she'll always be mine and she'd never do anything to hurt me because she knows what will.

But the thing is... now that I sit here typing this I keep telling myself I trust her and I picture her in my head and the very next split second my head starts thinking about everything I just mentioned like her in a bar drinking and being taken home by some guy, but when I think about those things I don't se her... I see some arbitrary blonde skank and I never really see my girlfriend.

Any thoughts?

Maybe you need to work on letting go of the issues with your ex's from the past. How is that fair to your current girl? Everyone has bad relationships, that's why we call them ex's. You have moved forward now and have her. You know she is a good girl but you don't trust her because of the bad girls from the past. That's not fair to her and not fair to you or the relationship as a whole. Your not letting her be her own individual and prove herself to you. Your seeing her as what you have had in the past and your waiting for it to happen. This isn't healthy and you need to get over it and let that all go. All your hurt from previous relationships.

What I get is that you see her as a completely different person when she is with her friends, than the person she is when she is solely with you.

That bothers me a bit because you are not comfortable with her as 'the package', you are only picking and choosing the qualities you like, and transferring the qualities you don't like, to the arbitrary blonde skank as you said.

You are certain of some things when she is the girlfriend, but very unsure of her character when she is the 'other' person, away from you.

I'm not saying you have reason to see both sides, what I'm saying is that all the characteristics belong to one individual. You cannot control the person you think she is when she is not with you, and you cannot control the person she is when she is with you.

It's like you have to keep learning how to trust her all over again, after she is the 'other' person.

In your head you understand the significance of this contradiction, but in your heart, you have not reconciled the two.

I don't know if she too, isn't one person when she's with you, and another when she's out with her friends. Perhaps she's giving you what you want her to. When she's out, she is not subject to the same critical analysis. Maybe in the safety net of being surrounded by her friends she lets loose a little anger and frustration with the put down comments to you that she wouldn't normally have an opportunity to express.

Could it be her way of letting off a little steam? Have you ever talked to her about how she feels when she is around you, compared to how she feels when she is around her friends, or around her friends with you present.

That may be a missing link here.

Like everybody has been telling you you need to work on yourself before you can have a whole relationship with her or anyone. Your LOVE is dysfunctional and you can not have a healthy relationship until you fix you.

FEAR-
Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of pain. Psychologists John B. Watson, Robert Plutchik, and Paul Ekman have suggested that fear is one of a small set of basic or innate emotions. This set also includes such emotions as joy, sadness, and anger. Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.[1] Worth noting is that fear always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable.
SOURCE-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear

Your fear is ruining your perspective, and judgment, and coloring the way you deal with your reality, in a positive way. Its keeping your attitude dark, and your reactions, negative.

Instead of learning the lessons of the past, you are repeating them. Examine all the highlighted links for some valuable insights.

Well I'm back again...

So when I left last time everything had worked out. We talked we understood, everything's great, I even started to realize what real love was. It had progressed to something bigger than that teenager's high school love where every thing about the person is perfect and we could see each other as who we really are. The reason this hadn't happened sooner is because I didn't want to let the cheesy love go because I liked it. It made me feel good, but now that we've gotten past that I feel better, I wake up just knowing that the girl I love is mine, I know that sounds cheesy in itself but my life was just generally better, I didn't have to be with her to be happy, unlike previously.

So we had a couple arguments that didn't turn into fights since the last time I've been here and every couple does that. The way we handled them was very adult and I know I'm making this sound like we're being professionals but it was the way my parents or her parents handle things. Everything was going great. I was happy we finally got into this stage of our relationship.


So a few weeks after all this she moves back to school, which is fine, we did it last year, we'd be OK. Her school is only an hour away from mine and even though we're both busy we see each other often. She moved back a week early and because of where she goes to school I had some concerns about what would be happening that week before school. I told her I was concerned that she'd be drinking and going out and all this stuff, but she reassured me nothing was going to. As I think I've previously stated I absolutely hate it when she drinks or goes out on weekdays, I can't stand it, I don't know why. So that's where all my worries came from, I just can't stand her doing that. So of course she reassured me everything was going to be fine so I put it out of my head, because it was an irrational worry, after that I was fine again. My worries were gone, everything was perfect. I helped her move in and all that and it couldn't have been better.


So last night I was moving some things to my apartment and she tells me she's drinking, This obviously upsets me because I can't stand her drinking on weekdays as I said. So I at first try to justify in my mind why she's drinking, I said well she could be doing it for her heart (she was drinking wine), or maybe she likes wine, but I realized she hates wine and she doesn't care about her heart health. So I'm very upset at this point, so there's an argument of course and it's a big one. There's yelling and all this and she can't understand why I'm upset. And I tell her it's because it's Wednesday but she thinks it was fine because she has nothing to do the next day. Because when we're fighting she likes to split hairs to justify whatever I'm upset about. And it's always drinking or going out.

There was a lot of arguing and then she yelled at me "Maybe I wanted to!" and then she goes on about how she's going to do what she wants no matter what and it's everything she wants and all this about what she wants. So in the end we compromised and she said she'd never drink in the summer unless it's a weekend or holiday and I have a feeling that's not what she wants. But regardless that is the only thing I won't let her do, everything else, drinking on weekends without me is fine. I drink, on weekends, it's fine if she does.

So my question is besides talking to her about what she really wants and what I really want what do you think I should do?

Also why am I afraid of alcohol?
And why can't I handle it on the week days?

So your questions and major concerns now are, why are you afraid of alcohol, and why you can't handle it on weekdays.

Good grief!

You have just described a whole relationship issue that has nothing to do with either.

What you are doing is obsessing about your girlfriend, and interjecting your fears and insecurities on her, and through intimidation, you control her. And her actions.

Can you see that you cannot control another person under any circumstances? Love has nothing to do with it, concern for her has nothing to do with it. It is all about YOU.

You have the problem with her decisions to drink because you are insecure that she may be the other person you have described, and drag men home with her. You have the problem with obsessing over it, and feel that is somehow twisted into love, but what it really is, is controlling another person.

If you can stop her from doing the things you don't like, then you won't obsess over them, and your life is under control.

Do you see that this is really wrong?

You cannot demand people do what you want, scream and yell at them when they don't obey your demands, and turn it all around to be somehow okay when they comply because YOU feel better that you have the 'problem' under control.

Who do you think you are! If it wasn't the alcohol, it would be something else, and will probably turn into more the longer you are with her.

If she chooses to drink on days that bother you, that isn't her problem, it is your problem.

If she chooses to do anything that is contrary to what you want her to do, again, that is not her problem, its yours.

She is a package as we've posted about before. You can't pick which qualities or behaviours you want, and demand that she change the ones you don't like, to suit you!

If you cannot live with her making her own decisions, regardless of what they are, and particularly where there isn't a problem with her decisions except the way you perceive them, then you have a problem with control.

I think this boils down to how you handle the things she does, that you don't agree with. Frankly, she is old enough to do her own thing but again your letting your fears dictate your reactions, and you let them lead you to be controlling. She caved this time, (agreed to your terms to calm you down, is what she did. That's one way to stop an argument), but how long will she put up with being told when she can do what SHE wants to do, ( on her off day?? ). Projecting your fears, where ever they came from, is your issue to get over, not hers, but you better tell her of them ASAP, so at least she knows the FACTS.

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Also why am I afraid of alcohol?

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Any bad experiences regarding yourself, or others, could be at the root of this fear.

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And why can't I handle it on the week days?

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Because you probably are being responsible, and have things to do during the week.(?)

Confession- I have the same fears about my wife driving without me with her, but I don't stop her from doing her thing without me though.

That was very inciteful...

I'm afraid of alcohol because my dad has always drank, every day, when ever we got done with dinner and he'd be passed out in the couch before I went to bed when I was little.

And you're right I do have responsibilities during the week, and things that need to be done well.

I can see how I would be projecting my fears, that makes sense

And I don't like her drinking without me, but I'm fine with it on the weekends, yes I still worry but I'm OK with it

And what about the main issue, which is controlling her behaviour.

Is there any merit in that?

I don't want to put you on the spot, but do you see yourself as controlling?

Yeah I can see that, I can't stand not being in control, in any aspect of my life, I prefer to drive rather than ride passenger, if I'm following someone I have to be in front. That's how I am

You need to be more flexible, so you can make adjustments to changing circumstances, (FEMALES!! :eek:) and whatever else life throws at you.

Be cool like me,:cool: LOL!! Your lady will love it! :D

So if you don't mind me asking, why don't you like her driving without you?