Originally Posted by
baxcarias
Hi there, hope you're still around. I relate very much to what you are saying here. i just split with my girlfriend after a long period of offs and ons. I kept having anxiety in the relationship, unsure if she was right for me (even though she remains the most important woman that's ever entered my life). These would end up in really bad anxiety and a general feeling of discomfort that i just couldn't really put my finger on at first. She had her little annoyances of course, but gradually these little things came to completely completely outweigh all of the wonderful qualities she had. I had thoughts of escape, thoughts of meeting someone better. But every time we broke up because of the way I was behaving, I would be utterly devastated and fall into depression. The longest of these was when we really broke up after christmas.
That time she initiated the split - not because of any love loss, but merely out of self preservation - she could not stand to be hurt be me like that again. I went into the worst depression of my life and literally did nothing for 3 months (id also lost my job before christmas). Beleive it or not i actually met someone else during this time whom i was seeing for almost two of those months, but she was merely a distraction - i liked her, but it was nothing compared to my ex. I really thought I'd never see her again for a long time. But she got back into contact, we got back together and I began having the same thought of is this right etc etc, I picked holes in her. I was thinking i had to end it but couldn't do it. Then one day i was feelign uncomfortable with her and told her to go out with her friend who'd called - it was a weekend that my ex had so wanted to just spend with me. And that instigated this, last break up. And this time for her, enough is enough. She will really I think, never get back with me now, even though I know I am the love of her life.
And now I feel lost, devastated, thinking only of everything good that we had and none of the bad, even the bad now seems good, just part of her. Thinking I want to make her happy, see her, but she will not see me, its too painful for her. And I know i am only hurting her more in trying to contact her as I was at first. i've stopped now because I don't want to upset her anymore. But I am afraid to lose her, to forever wonder what i threw away.
As for sleep, during my darkest days i always found drink and spliffs did the trick. You only feel worse the next day though ;)
Writing this has made me feel better even if no one reads it :)
