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Originally Posted by talaniman

I'm saying you have a whole lot to learn about women and it could be a lot of fun with the right attitude. I really think that your problem stems from you searching for something to make you happy. Not going to find it and that rebound stuff allows you to shift responsibility from you to your IN-experience. So self serving and useless. A guy who has no female FRIENDS sends out red flags to me all over the place. Sorry It is beyond my comprehension. How do you expect a relationship if you can't be friends??

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Friends rarely (if ever) turn into relationships. I'm sure you've heard of the friend zone, and how girls basically use the nice guys to get emotional support while they date/have sex with your typical "bad guy". The friend-zone is like death... no chances whatsoever.

That's part of the reason why I don't make friends with girls. I just date them. The other part is the fact that my ex gave me guilt trips when I attempted to befriend a girl.

IF you read back over this thread and the many others you yourself have identified a number of issues aboiut yourself that you don't like.

You could start by addressng these either yourself, or if that proves too difficult then by counselling.

That can be a good start.

It can help to just talk to someone about things you are un happy about, things you don't like about yourself, things you do like about yourself.

But I think you have already identified a number of flaws in yourself that you know require some attention!

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Friends rarely (if ever) turn into relationships. I'm sure you've heard of the friend zone, and how girls basically use the nice guys to get emotional support while they date/have sex with your typical "bad guy". The friend-zone is like death... no chances whatsoever.

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Did I say anything about relationships? The way to learn about females is to be friends with them, remember I said no sex? Aw don't look so gloomy, this will be rewarding and fun and you need to learn how to talk and listen to them, and to be a real friend and I'm sure you'll find you have made a true friend for life.

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That's part of the reason why I don't make friends with girls. I just date them. The other part is the fact that my ex gave me guilt trips when I attempted to befriend a girl.

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Time to get over the ex and everything she put you through. The good news is female friends will go out occasionally talk on the phone give advice and emotional support cook a meal, sometimes and did I say great listeners. NO sex, oh well what's perfect, seriously you need the transition bad, because that's what healthy relationships are built on friendship, that mature people let grow into something more. Hell if all you want is your rocks off then hire a professional and be done with it but if a healthy honest relationship is what you seek you have to put the time and patience and sacrifice it
Takes to get it right. 2 months of dating doesn't cut it, that's fun time for sure and when you get too serious, too soon... You know about that already.

Can I start by telling this girl that I'd like her to be my friend? She's the only girl in my life right now.

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

Can I start by telling this girl that I'd like her to be my friend? She's the only girl in my life right now.

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According to you, you don't even like her. In reality you don't even know her do you?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

According to you, you don't even like her. In reality you don't even know her do you?

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I don't like her in the sense that there is no relationship potential there. We are simply too different. Sure on the surface level we get along, but I can already forsee serious problems, which is why it's almost a good thing that this died prematurely.

I know her on the surface level. I know she is very academically driven, appreciates her friends, loves the outdoors, likes traveling and loves cooking. She's perky and upbeat. She thinks she knows everyone and likes to analyze people. She's had a rough past with an abortion and an abusive drug addict boyfriend.

That's all I know for now.

I think there is a great potential for a friendship though. I think I can offer her a lot od insight and so can she with me. We both come from completely different worlds and backgrounds.

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I don't like her in the sense that there is no relationship potential there

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You have a ways to go dude, go slow. Your call.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

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You have a ways to go dude, go slow. Your call.

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What do you mean? Can you explain?

Let me make this clear: I do not want a romantic relationship with her. Just a friendship, if that's at all possible.

Your call. Enough talk
Enough questions.
Time to see if you've been paying attention
Good luck!
Post back when you've got your feet wet.

Just wanted to update everyone here.

This weekend I went to a party with my best friend and this girl was there. She pretty much ignored me for most of the party but started talking to me as soon as she noticed I was getting drunk... (which now, when I think of it was quite strange). For a good 2 hours she just had her back towards me, and would randomly walk off with people she normally would never talk to... so I just played it cool, drank with friends and before I knew it, my hand was in hers and she took me outside to talk.

I wish I hadn't talked to her in my drunken state, because I was a bit more emotional than I wanted to be, but still, I didn't say anything bad.

First off, I apologized to her for rushing things. I told her that I was trying to force something to grow that wasn't ready to grow. I told her that we may be the right thing, but we met at 100% the wrong time, and that I'm in now way ready for anything like this.

She said she agrees and thought this from day 1. Who knows why she decided to date me anyway, but whatever that's besides the point.

I told her that I could use a friend, and that 4 friends are better than 3. I also told her that I've never been friends with a girl before, and that this would be a good start.

I slept at my friend's place and the next morning (today) I woke up and I went out for breakfast with her, just to kind of make sure what I said was actually what I said, because some parts were kind of blurry.

She asked me "do you know who you are?" I told her I didn't. She said something like I've lived all my life in restriction, and now that I'm free I don't know what to do with myself. She told me to stop treading water and start swimming in some direction.

I've never encountered anyone who could read me so well. It's strange.

OK so your friends... I'm yet to be convinced.

However, she can't solve your issues for you pat with her wise words that read you so well.

It is up to you now. I really think from this point on you need to concnetrate on you. Once and for all.

Do you think you will be able to be her friend? Really?

I know you didn't have much or long with this girl, but how will you feel when in a couple of weeks she introduces to this new great guy she has been dating. Will you be OK with that?

I just think you need to worry about you at the moment. She can't help you. Only you can!

Considering the fact that I've never been friends with a girl, all of this is new territory for me. It's also new territory in the fact that I've hooked up with her, and we weren't in a relationship, and she still has feelings for me. I think all she wants is a friends with benefits thing but I guess only time can tell.

Yeah, I'm putting my energies into my own self now and whatever happens with this girl just happens. I'm not going to make it something I think about. I'm going to think about how I'm going to find myself.

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Originally Posted by Skell

ok so your freinds..... im yet to be convinced.

however, she can't solve your issues for you pat with her wise words that read you so well.

It is up to you now. I really think from this point on you need to concnetrate on you. Once and for all.

Do you think you will be able to be her friend?? really??

I know you didnt have much or long with this girl, but how will you feel when in a couple of weeks she introduces to this new great guy she has been dating. Will you be ok with that?

I just think you need to worry about you at the moment. She can't help you. Only you can!

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By the way man, was it you that kept mentioning the fact that you too went through what I am right now? If so, how did you "find yourself"?

I went through what you went through as far as coming out of a 7 year relationship. You were in a 6 year one.

I felt your pain there. That is a long time and it is taking me a fairly long time to grieve and recover.

But I'm getting better.

I still haven't completely found myself, but I'm well on my way I feel.

I did it by spending time with people I love. Family and friends. I cried, I greived, I thought about all the things wrong with me, all the things right with me. But I also got on with life.

I made mistakes, ill continue to make them.

I threw myself into my work, I trained hard, I did things I wanted to do. I travelled to the World Cup in Germany (a life long ambition). Basically I just tried to look afrer myself. I wasn't always really good at this.

I still thought about her a lot. Heck, I still do. But I don't let it control my life.

But you seem over your 6 year one? Are you really? I always found it hard to believe with you Pat that you could actually just wipe off a 6 year relationship after 2 months and not have any emotion involved with it anymore..

You always seemed to me as though you were rushing back into another relationship to not have to deal with the last one. Is this right.

I just think you need to take some time to yourself. Don't think about women for a while. Concentrate wholly on yourself. Do what YOU want to do.

I also went to a therapist 3 times. Just to share some thoughts on myself and get another opinion. It was helpful enough.

And another great tool I have found help me is coming here to AMHD. Listening to others problems. Trying to offer support and advice based on my limited expereince in this world.

Reading every post in every thread and trying to get something out of it and applying it to myself. It has been a great source of strength and therapy for me has this site.

Your thread in particular has reinforced the fact to me how unhealthy it would be for me to go rushing back into another relationship now when I'm not comepltey comfortable with my past and where I am!

So that is how I am doing it. It seems to be working.

Hope you find something that helps you!

So now you have a female friend This should be interesting. Go get another the more the merrier. FRIEND, not GIRLFRIEND...

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Originally Posted by talaniman

So now you have a female friend This should be interesting. Go get another the more the merrier. FRIEND, not GIRLFRIEND.......

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Yes that is actually one of my new goals. To make as many female friends as possible. Just pure friends.

But I have a ? On the subject though: Is there anything I can't do with female friends that I can do with guys? I mean stuff like conversation topics, perhaps even immature crap like farting and stuff... lol. Me and the boys just kind of let whatever happens happens. Just wondering if there are boundaries with girl friends.

Your confusing me pat.

Just be yourself and stop forcing things so much. Oyu aren't going to force females to like you. Friendship just happens.

Who cares aboutthis crap. Just worry about yourself.

You seem so confused and messed up with everything.

You think too much but no answers just find out about the other sex and get comfortable.

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Originally Posted by Skell

you seem so confused and messed up with everything.

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Can you blame me though? Yes, I'm a mess. I've never been so messed up in my entire life. Seriously, I'm confused about everything right now. I'm sure you felt the same when your break up happened..

Dude - I advise you not get into a friend with benefits thing - I think it would really hurt you as she would date other guys. It'sjus treally unhealthy.

If you think being friends with her is a good idea - I'd do it - I THINK YOU WILL LEARN A LOT if you're friends.