That's a bit of a blow out dude. Try to keep those fingers in check when those urges arise. Just learn from it I guess.

I know how it feels though... at the time it makes so much sense to just send that email, or ask those questions. I've done some things that I look back at now and cringe...

But you live and learn, next time you find yourself typing up an email, just save it as a draft or something and wait a day before thinking about sending it. I'm sure you will reconsider and be grateful you didn't.

Will be interesting to hear what she has to say if she does respond though...

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Originally Posted by Empty Cans

That's a bit of a blow out dude. Try to keep those fingers in check when those urges arise. Just learn from it I guess.

I know how it feels though... at the time it makes so much sense to just send that email, or ask those questions. I've done some things that I look back at now and cringe...

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I agree a lot. But I don't regret that much sending this because it seems to me that right now I was in "waiting mode". Now I am in the "goodbye, farewell" mode. I don't care if whatever I do now buries my chances. I actually would like to see my chances buried, since she won't help me with that.

It sucks though, because it sets me back a little. But hey. It was really crappy, to stay at home watching SNL on Valentine's, under a blanket! I was already down before I sent it, and it didn't get worse after sending. Whatever.

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But you live and learn, next time you find yourself typing up an email, just save it as a draft or something and wait a day before thinking about sending it. I'm sure you will reconsider and be grateful you didn't.

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Yeah. Problem is... that's pretty much what I do! I always write an e-mail, save it, delete it, write it again, delete it, write again, delete it. Usually the will to send wears off in the second version or third version. I realize it's pointless. These last week ones, though, those were like the 10th version of it. I mean, I was crappy Saturday night and send the e-mail Sunday night. And yes, I didn't do nothing on Sunday except obssess with her. Yeah, it's unhealthy. But I couldn't help.

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Will be interesting to hear what she has to say if she does respond though...

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No, it won't. If she replies with what I think is the truth (she wanted to end the LDR sooner than what was possible), it will get really messy. If she insists on any of that chemistry or the "I've changed" which I know is bs, then I will get pissed. And if she tells it's something on the "grass is greener" or the "I've met this guy", I'll be hurt again.

So it's just better if she acknowledges my previous request and just ignore me.

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Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost

No, it won't. If she replies with what I think is the truth (she wanted to end the LDR sooner than what was possible), it will get really messy. If she insists on any of that chemistry or the "I've changed" which I know is bs, then I will get pissed. And if she tells it's something on the "grass is greener" or the "I've met this guy", I'll be hurt again.

So it's just better if she acknowledges my previous request and just ignore me.

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Good point... hopefully she does just ignore it!

The longer I keep at this NC thing, the easier it seems to get. Its become normal now for me not to call her, not to text her, not to email her, not to chat to her, not to look at her Facebook. Yeah, I still think about her lots, and she still enters into my dreams occasionally, but each day it does get a little easier.

I'm actually going home in a weeks time for a few days. She hangs out with a lot of my friends, so I'm hoping I don't run in to her. If I do, I don't know how I will react, but I will just do my best to say hello and then move on to talking to the next person.

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Originally Posted by Empty Cans

I'm actually going home in a weeks time for a few days. She hangs out with a lot of my friends, so I'm hoping I don't run in to her. If I do, I don't know how I will react, but I will just do my best to say hello and then move on to talking to the next person.

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I really hope that you don't meet. Really. I'd suggest avoid doing stuff if that's not going too much out of your way (try to hang out more with friends that aren't common if you can). I am in this mess and I haven't seen her on Christmas. I can't imagine my state if I did.

I think she will know to keep away, assuming she knows that I'm coming up. Its possible I'll run into her at a bar in town or something, but unlikely.

She basically be came friends with ALL of my friends. And she still is friends with them all... which I guess I'm okay with because I don't live there anymore. This was an agreed break-up, so its not like I can just expect her to stop being friends with them. Although it would be super weird if she gets a new boyfriend and starts hanging out with my friends with him. But yeah, whatever, its not my business anymore.

Haha. I underestimated her capacity to do damage. I just thought that she would mess me up with a reply.

It was worse. She showed up on IM to let me know she is not ignoring the e-mail, it's just that she didn't have time to answer yet. But she wants to. I guess she doesn't even respect my intelligence anymore. At least I managed to cut the conversation short, just gave a glimpse of my life because she was trying to pull the "i've been too busy" from the bag of clichés. And told her I'd rather she didn't talk to me for a while. I think it was actually the first time I felt I acted just write. Polite yet firm. Keeping myself respect without being hateful. But it still sucks.

Following advice, I'll write the e-mail I want to send her right now here.

Hey,

Look, I don't want to know what you are doing with your life. Really. I wish you all the best. But I still need a favor from you. I've asked that before already. I need to know why. What for? I don't know. Maybe it's for final closure. Maybe it's so that I can know what to do with your picture in my head - if I box it along with my good old friends I don't speak any longer or if I should just burn it. But I want to know. And after all I've done for you, this is the least you could do for me. Try to figure out why, as a sign that you care, as you so many times told me in these past few months.

You're lack of capacity to explain me why surprises me - you were never like this. And I was thinking about that and I could reduce the reasons down to 5 possible hypothesis.

1) You were actually honest when you gave that bs motives. Maybe you are more silly than I thought and decided there isn't chemistry anymore, after 4 years. And that Thanksgiving was a very good acting job. Or that you changed, despite the fact that the only thing that change is the way you treat me. I don't think this is the case though. You were more mature than this.

2) You did something and are afraid it's going to hurt me. Like you cheated on me. Or there was someone else that you are going out with, right now. If that's the case, trust me, telling me will make my life easier. And I think it'll reduce the guilt I know you must be feeling right now, if this is the case. Because I know you are fundamentally a good person.

3) You found something about me that makes us incompatible, but doesn't want to tell me because you're afraid I'm going to argue. Or maybe it was just the distance and you're afraid of accepting that it's just the distance because it doesn't seem like a good enough reason. Again, just tell me. I won't move to there so soon just because of this. And I won't change my ways so that you'll like again. I would have done that in October if you told me. But right now I'm just curious.

4) You're having the GIGS. And you don't want to admit it because if you do, you know I'll never take you back when you find out that it's just the perspective. Well, hate to burst your bubble but I'm not taking you back so easily. I may be able to forgive GIGS. But I'll never forgive lack of honesty.

5) You still don't know why. If that's the case, it sucks to be me. Come on, it's been almost 3 months. It's either you sort of know but are afraid that it's a silly reason or you didn't stop to think about it, which is quite sad. If this is the case, then know that you should find this out before I really move on. You don't want to see me on Facebook with this girl before sorting this out - it will be really painful for you. And it'll happen sooner than what you think.

Anyway, if you don't want to find out, or don't want to tell, it's fine. I mean, right now it's becoming more like an academic curiosity. After all, it's your life that you are potentially ruining without knowing why. I was a very good boyfriend and I am an awesome guy. And you know it. We are both great people, so it's not like I lost you or you lost me. The only ones at advantage right now are our future relationships. Yes. That's how awesome we are. And I know you agree with me.

I know why I am giving up on you. But do you know why you gave up on me? I think it'll be good for you to find out.

Wow! I am sure you feel better after letting that out. Nice work... and good job on not actually sending it to her. It sounds like you've asked her all this before... she obviously doesn't want to, or can't answer the questions. So you are right, she has stuffed up and is missing out. Screw her... she doesn't even know for herself why she did it. Invest your "academic curiosity" into better things.

Well I had my phonecall with my ex... and wow, it was pretty interesting. I'll write more about it tomorrow. The power of NC is pretty strong though...

Just one question... is GIGS the "Grass Is Greener Syndrome"?

Yeah. GIGS is grass is greener. I would probably have written it in more words if I was going to send her. Screw that though. I gave up waiting for the closure. I thought she would give it to me. But she won't . So screw that.

But now I'm curious about your story!

I haven't yet received any e-mail. And I haven't really been waiting for an answer anymore. Right now, actually I don't even want to have her contacting me again to talk about the past. I mean. I don't care anymore, and as I said before, there's nothing good that come from an e-mail.

But instead of sending her an e-mail telling her not to answer anymore, I just added an e-mail filter that sends any e-mail from her to the trash. Am I wrong in doing this?

No, you are not wrong. If speaking with her brings pain... why put yourself through that? She knows the situation and how you feel. There is no need to drawl things out and continue to go through more mental anguish if you don't have to.

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But instead of sending her an e-mail telling her not to answer anymore, I just added an e-mail filter that sends any e-mail from her to the trash. Am I wrong in doing this?

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That is a very excellent move.

Such a random event but this night I dreamed of her. I don't know why this things happen. I mean... Really? How much longer do I have to endure missing her? Now that I can manage to not think about her in my waking hours, does my stupid heart really have to invade my dreams?

Three days ago I had a wonderful NC-17 dream with someone else. It took me 1 month for me to actually consider the idea of having sex with someone else in my life without feeling like a lame cheater. I am finally being able to go out on dates, hit on women and those normal single men things. And then, when I think I am finally back in control of my feelings, she shows up in my dreams.

This sucks. I wish it was one of the dreams we forget of before waking up. But no. The first thing I do in the morning is to check my mailbox. No e-mail. Of course, because I redirected her e-mail to trash. Checked on trash. Nothing, because I set my e-mail to empty the trash automatically, to avoid these moments. And since I've deleted her from all my IM accounts, I can't really see if she's online. And I won't go to her Facebook page, because I might not like what I see, so screw that.

I wonder if she misses me. Not as lover or as a boyfriend. I wonder if she misses me as a friend. I wonder if she misses talking with me in the wee hours when we were both late night studying like it used to be before we even got together. I wonder if she's feeling the consequences of dumping me: losing her best friend. I wonder if I'm invading her dreams.

But I shouldn't wonder about these things. It's pointless. I just want to forget.

I know exactly where your at and how you feel. I am going through eh Same stage you are now. It sucks. Your brain is still purging her memory. It will take a long time for that to finally complete, but it WILL eventually.

I've been having very vivid dreams of my ex and me doing things and still saying I love you and all of that crap. I wonder how she feels sometimes too, but you must keep going and be strong and know that this will end one day and you will be better from it.

You know what was the worst part of dreaming with my ex? Is that during the dream I was actually happy.

And you know what? All the times I were with her were happy times. It was good man. It was really good. And I can't pretend otherwise. I can't pretend that we had an abusive relationship or something like that because it just was almost perfect. The only problem is that I underestimated the effect of 1,000 miles over 4 years.

Basically I need to stick to that original analogy, of the death of a dear person. I will miss her, because there is no single reason why I shouldn't. I just have to understand that it's not happening anymore and that my life goes on. A very beautiful and awesome life.

And for all of those who wonder if they should stick to NC or not... it does wonders. It reduces all the drama and allows the dust to settle.

I wish I knew that earlier. I was reading the first posts in my thread and... oh man... so much drama... and all that to get to the same place I would have if I just gave up on understanding since the very beginning... Next time someone asks me for a break to think about the relationship, I'm done.

The dreams definitely suck dude, I know what you mean. You've done well to block her emails and have them automatically deleted. If she has something worthwhile to tell you, you will get the message one way or another.

You are right though... just let the dust settle and the drama subside and carry on with NC.

I'm in a bit of a predicament from breaking NC last week (although I don't regret doing it)... but I think I'm just going to go back into NC to get rid of all that unnecessary drama.

I'm feeling so sad today. I just... I don't know.

So, what all did you do this this week for the sole benefit of others? What activities are you involved in on a daily/weekly basis that cost you time/energy/resources that the only reward you get is the work itself? It's totally for the charity?

I promise that if all your life energies are spent solely on your own pursuits, when you have nothing to do you will dwell on that self-based focus and find depression is VERY easy to allow in.

When you have problems/issues/tasks/considerations that you need to accomplish for others and you get no reward from it other than DOING the work, it's an unbelievably effective way of pushing the depression demon away.

For instance, I spend time on these forums offering assistance on Software, Spreadsheets and some Relationship aid. A "wonderful" way to put idle time to use for others' benefit.

Think about.

Well, I do spend some time in forums trying to help other people... It's not like I have a lot of spare time but I do try to keep myself doing something.

I've been mostly fine... from this thread, the last time I've had this "it sucks" feelings was last week... But today I was filled with this emptyness. Maybe it's just a bad day. It probably isn't a consequence of the break-up, though every time I feel bad, it's easy to just blame the break-up. Maybe I got so used to talking with ex about bad days that I miss her now.

Yeah. I kind of know what I should do. I just want to never have this feeling again. I'm tired of missing her.

Bad days will come and go. You need to get together with either family or friends. They will show you that your life really isn't empty. The empty feeling is only there, because you let it be. These are the times where friends and family really help. They will get your mind off missing her. Go out and have some fun. Do something today other than sitting around thinking.