Ask Me Help Desk - Should I leave my boyfriend that cheated on me?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin_s

I don't cheat on my girlfriends, and I won't lie to them.

Nope, you're just upfront with all of them. :) Haha

Well said, as usual!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rockstar714

Nope, you're just upfront with all of them. :) Haha

Well said, as usual!

You have to treat people how you expect to be treated right? I grew up with 3 older sisters and my mom and dad so I know the hell that women can bring down upon me lol.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin_s

The way he is acting is out of desperation, and not necessarily his true feelings. You've stated that he doesn't have the best household to live in, and all of the important people in his life have passed away, leaving him stranded.

I agree with your position but I think that just for the heck of it, I'll see if I can look at this from his perspective.

He cheated, he broke your trust, and he feels like a jackass (he IS human). And for some odd reason he did so on a whim, and now realizes that he has MAJORLY messed up with the only person that he can still confide in, be treated decently, and be cared for. It's tough, almost as tough as what you're going through.

Even though you're staying strong (I commend you), I know that you are having just as much of a hard time as he is.

People say, do, act in crazy ways when in desperate times. Don't hold what he's saying to you now against him.

Personally, I think that though you needed to act and talk harshly towards him, that you could have been a little more reserved. He knows he messed up, but throwing in how great you look and other things is a bit over the top. He could have just never told you what he did, give him some credit for that.

You don't need to say how much better you are than him to show it if that makes sense. I don't cheat on my girlfriends, and I won't lie to them. If I felt I needed to cheat, I would just break up with the girl because it's not fair to them. And if I was drunk (even though I choose not to drink haha) and hooked up with a girl, I would confess what I did, and understand that I messed up, I wouldn't forgive my significant other either and I would bow out gracefully so that they can be happy.

I think this guy has attachment issues, if he's saying "you are my life" that's a big red flag. No other person should be why you're alive, you are both independent people enjoying the affection and time with one another.

Who knows what the future holds for you both, though he made a mistake (a VERY big one, especially since he had sex with her, and then you) but other than that if he was a fairly decent boyfriend, I would hope you could show a little more compassion for him and still be stern on your decisions.

My heart goes out to you for what you have to deal with now, and I wish he could be a bit more mature and stop trying to put so much stress on your life after already giving you a big blow to your gut with his actions.

Always here to talk,

Kevin

OK cool so are you saying give him another chance? U know what else he said to me that meant a lot trully did.. he said he has never felt greater emotional loss or physical and mental pain then at losing me and that I'm the most beautiful girl and every song reminds me of him... wat do you say to that? :/

Remember when I told you guys that me and him are spiritually connected? Yesterday he told me to listen to the song please don't go by tank and I wrote him back saying rhianna says take a effin bow( u know the song)>>>>well tonight I was in my car and rhiannas song came up so I blasted it and it gets me pumped and stronger you know lol anyway.. u guys DO KNOW that tank's song please don't go is really old rite? Yea well tell me why RITE AFTER RHIANNAS SONG FREAKING TANK PLEASE Don't GO STARTED PLAYING ON 107.5! I WAS FLIPPIN A SH-IT! LOL IT SOOOOO WEIRD ITS LIKE A SIGN FROM GD OR SUMTIN LMAO! AND WATCH There's GUNA BE PLENTY MORE!

I DO LOVE HIM I Want to BE WITH HIM SOOOOO BADLY.. WEN U HAVE APROBLEM U ALWAYS HAV THAT ONE PERSON TO GO TO BUT WEN THE PROBLEM IS WIT THEM U HAVE NO ONE U KNO>>? BUT I CANT.. :( I can't GET BACK WITH HIM A LEAST FOR NOW.. he rites me textes like baby I'm dying and I can't let you go, please come back , and stuff like that

I'm not saying that you should get back to him, because what he did was completely wrong. He could have given you an STD for crying out loud, I would suggest that you have yourself tested just to be safe.

I think that you're simply noticing things that are more of a coincidence and thinking that it's "fate". I would say that he really needs to understand that you would like some time to yourself so that you can think things through without having this constant presence of him hunching over your back, know what I mean?

It's like when your parents keep telling you to do something, even when you know what to do. It's annoying to be told so many times when you already have the thought in your head.

What I am saying though in my previous post to you was that I think you acted very harshly and somewhat immature in the situation (and no, I'm really not trying to bash on you at all, I just want to give you some constructive criticism to take on the road for the next time this happens.)

Maybe you could send him a text back saying something along the lines of "Hey (name), I do apologize for acting so harshly the other day, but I do not appreciate the games you tried to play because I was asked repeatedly to get that book back and the least you could have done is given it to me. What you did was wrong, and is not so easily forgiven, and is definitely not one to be forgotten. I am very confused right now in regards to you and what I want in my life, and I would genuinely appreciate it if you could stop trying to contact me for a while so that I can think clearly and see things from every side. If you care about me as much as you say you do then you can do this for and when I feel the time is right to talk to you about what I've decided. When I have cleared my head and come to a decision I will contact you. This does not mean that I am calling you telling you that I want to get back together necessarily. So please don't expect that outcome. I really need some time alone from you because you're constantly trying to talk to me and it is making it harder for me to clear my head. I really appreciate you doing this for me."

That kind of message will be read and understood that you are upset, you are trying to be positive about this situation and give it some consideration. It also shows that you want to be free from the monkey on your back constantly keeping you from making a rational decision.

Now, can you be in a relationship that has broken your trust? Will you be able to forgive him (and I mean ACTUALLY forgive him for what he has done and not constantly hold that over his head and throw it in his face whenever you get into an argument.) When an issue is resolved, it should never be spoken of again because then you are simply throwing it back in their face when you both have come to a decision.

Will you be able to deal with the stress of a relationship that has been broken? Are you going to constantly wonder what he really is doing, whether he's lying to you, whether he's sleeping around again?

Have you ever thought that maybe he's saying all these nice things to you simply to keep you around since he isn't getting any from someone else right now (maybe)? Maybe he likes having girls in different area codes?

You've already seen that he is not faithful, but I give him credit for coming clean, that takes a lot of guts to do so. It's not easy telling the girl that loves you with all her heart that you've slept with another person (especially after you had sex with the girlfriend after the other girl.)

I would really contemplate whether it is in your best interest to pursue a relationship with this fellow again. You will probably fight more often, resentment will play a large role in this, as well as the fact that you will feel far more insecure in the relationship since he has betrayed you once already.

I do not always check the Relationship forums so the most quick way to reach me is through private messages. Just let me know that you've responded and I will try to get back on here as soon as possible.

P.S. When you have the problem with that one person you can talk to about anything, you have us! Many people from around the world, all with their own opinions and advice, I have found no other place that is filled with the most open, sometimes harsh but realistic views for us all to consider when we come in with our problems. You have received some great advice from the people in this forum, I hope I could have been as influential in your decisions and actions as the rest of these fine people.

I feel like even though I'm only 20 that I have the mind of an elder or something haha.

I am the next Talaniman! (Apprentice maybe? Lol)

^^ well, I don't know I love your answers (:

Thanks kevin your awesome you made a lot of sense. OK I have another question for u.. and everyonelse..

1) do you think its OK for me to contact the girl he slept with? I badly want to ask her some questions , I want to make her feel completely conftorable on the phone and just get some answers because I'm really desperate.. I wanaask her if he was the one that wanted to have sex, if he tried getting with her even after they had sex and stuff like that or if they talked on the phone? It will help mee soooo much. I know she's a complete stranger but I'm really sweet I'm sure I can get her to tell me. And I want to tell her to not stress giving me answers because its only for me and no one else. I've been with him for two years and I want to see if he lied EVEN AFTER REVEALING THAT HE HAD SEX WITH THIS GIRL WHILE WE WERE BROKEN UP... im desperate.. I think I'm guna do it..

Outcomes of that situation.. WORST CASE... well if he turns out to be lying completely and they had sex more than once and so on I want to meet up wit him and tell him that I need him out of my life forever because I don't deserve to have my heart drop every time he textes me or when after he textes I go crazy and think and think if I should take him bac you knoo..

Good case: lets say he was telling the truth, guys sorry but I'm just guna say he said that when he did it, it was terrible, he didn't "go" yea OK! Is what I said.. and that they were drunk, he found out that she had liked him since the beginning of the year and she coudnt get with him because he was wit me.. if he is telling the truth I think that this is prooving that MAYBE JUST MAYBE he trully deep inside wants to stop living a lie and that he couldn't take it anymore because he began to realize more and more how much he loves and me and MAYBE now he's more than ready to be and a committed relationship with me.. I will c him more often he promised no more parties only if I'm there and no more hanging with his friends at bars and he said if I take him back he will live at his aunts house which means he will c me a lot during the week..

WAT DO GUYS THINK GOOD IDEA TO CONTACT THE GIRL OR BAD?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenny77

thanks kevin ur awesome u made a lot of sense. ok i have another question for u..and everyonelse..

1) do u think its ok for me to contact the girl he slept with? i badly want to ask her some questions , i wana make her feel completely conftorable on the phone and just get some answers becuz im really desperate..i wanaask her if he was the one that wanted to have sex, if he tried getting with her even after they had sex and stuff like that or if they talked on the phone?? it will help mee soooo much. i kno shes a complete stranger but im really sweet im sure i can get her to tell me. and i wanna tell her to not stress giving me answers because its only for me and no one else. ive been with him for two years and i wana see if he lied EVEN AFTER REVEALING THAT HE HAD SEX WITH THIS GIRL WHILE WE WERE BROKEN UP...im desperate..i think im guna do it..

outcomes of that situation..WORST CASE...well if he turns out to be lying completely and they had sex more than once and soo on i wana meet up wit him and tell him that i need him out of my life forever becuz i dont deserve to have my heart drop everytime he textes me or wen after he textes i go crazy and think and think if i should take him bac u knoo..

gud case: lets say he was tellin the truth, guys sry but im just guna say he said that wen he did it, it was terrible, he didnt "go" yea ok!! is wat i said..and that they were drunk, he found out that she had liked him since the beggining of the year and she coudnt get with him because he was wit me..if he is telling the truth i think that this is prooving that MAYBE JUST MAYBE he trully deep inside wants to stop living a lie and that he cudnt take it anymore becuz he began to realize more and more how much he loves and me and MAYBE noe hes more than ready to be n a committed relationship with me..i will c him more often he promised no more parties only if im there and no more hanging with his friends at bars and he said if i take him back he will live at his aunts house which means he will c me a lot during the week..

WAT DO GUYS THINK GOOD IDEA TO CONTACT THE GIRL OR BAD?

*thunder sounds*

I am here again! (Hooray)

Okay, let's get down to bidnesss.

Question 1: Do you think I should contact the girl that he slept with?

Answer 1: (A question for this answer is involved) Though you may expect that she will give you the absolute 100% truth, what makes you think you can trust her? She knew you were with him, she obviously knows who you are, and who's to say she won't outright lie about what has happened? She could be saying that he is still hittin' it and it could be a complete lie because she wants you out of the picture. Just because you're a sweetheart, doesn't mean she won't have tricks up her sleeves ;)

My personal advice... leave the girl out of it. He admitted to having sex with her, it doesn't matter how many times, ways, places, whatever. He cheated, and then he had sex with you again. (Once again, I suggest getting tested to be safe) You need to stop talking to them, or about the situation to anyone of the people you know (aside from us) and find out what YOU ultimately deserve (NOT WANT, DESERVE!)

You take this guy back, he wins. You don't take this guy back, he'll probably just go get with that chick again. Either way it feels like he's going to win. The least you can do is take your dignity back and go out like a champ!

You guys sound young.

I'd take my time if I was you. Take 6 months off from this and get some perspective. If he is the one, it'll all turn out. If not, you can breathe again.

You are doing all the work here... he should be doing all the work.
You should be like: he messed up, I am taking time off to see what it's like without him.

IFFFF you all are going to get serious he is going to need to realize what life is like without you - not just what life could be without you.

I don't think he is the devil, just too young to make a sound decision right now. So, make it for him. Tell him you'll contact him on 09 after you've had time to think...

Remember you can't date someone you can't forgive - so decide if that is worth ever happening. And focus on your life path / career / education etc. that solves A LOT of problems at your age!

i feel like for every girl he told you about, how do you know there arent more? you know the saying for every rat you see theres 1000 more or something haha but believe me i know what ur going through, my boyfriends leaving for college in the fall and im staying at a local college for a year. his school is only 2 hours away so our "plan" is to visit eachother every other weekend, but him cheating on me is my biggest fear. he says that if its meant to be itll be and always tells me he loves me. idk if this is "excusable" but he says that if he was ever going to hookup with a girl he would breakup with me first because he never wants to cheat on me. people have tempations, things happen,but the fact that this has happened multiple times it seems like a pattern, idk its going to be really hard to get over it and honestly even tho he is in the wrong, he is going to get sick of it after a while because everytime u have an argument u know your going to use that against him, its hard not to. its a sucky situation :confused: and you can't really go simply off others advice. when you know you know. hope this helped ( sorry its so long haha )

Sunshine... I'm not quite sure if you are proposing a question or saying your boyfriend has already cheated on you but please post a question and we can help you out.

The OP has already dropped this loser and realized she deserves better

Nahh I'm just letting her know that I'm scared that's going to happen to me, so I understand how hard it is. Letting her know she's not alone :)

Good Job Jenny, you may have acted a little harsh but keep your head up and moving forward. I never could get over a breach of trust like that. It always came up. Just remember you can do this and give it time. 6months plus. That will let you get your head straight. Just hang in there most all of us have been there and guess what we lived through it. Good Luck and God Bless

Hey what ever happened with this situation? Did you move on? I'm going through this right now and it's so similar to your story, I would really love the advice :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew916

i suppose it's just how you word it. i feel like 'friends' is far too weak a word to describe two people who truly love each other. that's all i'm really saying. for instance- when i think friends, i think of people who look out for each other and like to hang out. but when i think of lovers, i think of two people who can't imagine life without each other. they some will do anything and everything for each other. they draw strength from each other and can't stand the thought of being separated. they love each others' flaws and can't imagine them changing. it's that higher level of connection and compatibility that i don't feel 'friend' or even 'best friend' can come close to describing. so in the end it comes down to what your definition of friend or best friend is. to you, friendship is something that can describe a relationship where two people are in love. i just feel that 'friend' can't even scratch the surface of what true love is... in the end- perception is reality...

But shouldn't a lover do these things too? Its like saying all Chevys are vehicles but not all vehicles are Chevys, lol. A lover should be a friend, but not all friends are lovers, see what I'm saying. Just because they are a lover, that shouldn't be the only thing they are.