Ask Me Help Desk - Commitment Phobia

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

If he isnt facing his feelings and talking about it then maybe inside he is torn up over it. But then again maybe he is waiting for it to be over and just keeping peace. Either way it makes it an emotional ride for you and thats not fair. He could atleast talk. How will he act when he sees your children and there response to it? Does he think they will take it easy and get over it because they are kids? I have to say I can't get it in my head his not wanting marriage to a single mother. It makes no sense to me. Then why did he start to date you?

I think this is a hang up that he has been trying really hard to work on. When we met he told me he wasn't going to date anyone else with children, as all of his previous relationships had been to single mothers. He listed the problems that he had with the relationships, the hearing 'you're not my dad!', mom always having last say and overruling any punishment he would want to enforce, if things don't work out the additional separation of losing all contact with children he grew attached to, dealing with the 'other' father, etc. All situations that I thought with the right partner could be handled without much complications. When we met he was 29 years old and I remember thinking if you are looking for a single woman without baggage, you are going to grow up alone. We became friends, things grew, I think he was really trying to handle this hang up. We have had our forks in the road where he could have made other choices then continue to pursue this and further the pain, he choose to stay, he choose to try.

I don't know that this situation is real to him yet. I don't think he has really thought about facing it. I know he hasn't slept the last two days, but he isn't talking to me about it. I don't think that this is something he is happy about, but since he's not talking I don't really know where his head is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

HAHA! Name the place. Be more than happy to hang out if you need someone to talk to =) And I sent you a message this morning about Saturday, didn't even realize what you were dealing with. If you need to reschedule, that's ok, but I guess sometimes an hour out of the house wouldn't be so bad huh? I guess just let me know what you'd like to do.

I have try going out drinking when I am emotional before, it's really a depressing sight. I will be ready to call you up on the night out in a couple of weekends though.

We can change the plans to the following Saturday, I won't have the children and I think I will be in a better mood. Blubbering will only complicate things! I am doing a lot of that.

That's fine. There shouldn't be a problem next Saturday. And about going out, yeah we don't have to go out and get wasted or anything. And I know what you mean about the depressing sight, been there... haha!

Justy dear.

I'm sorry I went awol on you yesterday, a few things hit the fan and I had to leave. Forgive me?

I hope that you're feeling better.

I'm glad you decided to talk to everyone here. This is what we do after all, so use that to your advantage.

Words aren't going to help you much right now, but actions will. Chin up, look forward.

One thing I can promise you, it will get easier, this too shall pass.

Hugs to you sweet lady.

You know my number. If you ever need to talk just say the word, I'll be here. Okay? :)

I was just sitting here wondering why the heart feels so much stronger than the head.

My heart and head are standing at conflicting podiums right now in my own internal debate.

I know that my heart has all the power and my head has all the points. It's an internal debate that only leaves a loser. Although my head tells me that I don't lose to listen, my heart and soul tells me I do. I will win the battle and lose the war.

I know my feelings will pass and my heart will change it's direction, but I am not even sure that is truly what my head wants. I feel like the loser in a no win situation. I know I am strong, I can list all of my great qualities fifty times over, not because I am conceded, but because I know who I am. I can also list all of his great qualities and list the one quality that is overseeing anything great about him. I would prefer something simple, something easy to walk away from, but instead I am left with something I can't grasp and something I don't understand personally.

Today: Multi-faceted confusion. :(

Justy, this is normal, don't beat yourself up about it.

Question dear. If you met this wonderful guy, the man of your dreams in every way, but, he's married, would you let your heart make the decision or your head?

I think I know you well enough to know you wouldn't cross that line, so I'm going to assume that you'd leave, because of his commitment to someone else.

The situation you're in right now is similar. He may be great in so many ways, yes, you love him, but, he'll never completely be yours. There's no other woman, just his mental block, his unwillingness to see, to accept, to commit.

You deserve more then this. You know you do. Your heart deserves someone that will not break it over and over again.

Let yourself be confused today. Let yourself cry, get angry, all the emotions that need to come out. Tomorrow is the day to pick yourself up move ahead.

Give yourself today. Tomorrow we'll kick your butt into gear. ;)

You will be fine.

::sigh:: Isn't it strange how other people are more right about my own life. How screwy is that? We all know it, we all face it, other people can manage our lives better then we can. They see threw the garbage. ::sigh::

It's easy to be objectionable and give advice when we aren't the ones attached to the situation. Sucks that more often than not I can't follow my own advice... I tend to let my emotions run me, then, after a few days of solid rational thought, I immediately regret doing that.

That was good kc. Very good.

Justy your in this bubble right now and you have emotions spinning around you. Its easier for others to see the picture as a whole. Its all blurred for you at this point and may be until you can get your custody settled and out on your own.

It's easier to see someone else's situation clearer then we do our own.

When you're living it there's always a fog, when you're on the outside looking in, it's clear as day.

I rarely follow my own advice, too hard. ;)

So you are all my beacons.
That absolutely makes the most sense to me. :)
Shine on, beacons of light, I will make it there yet.

http://www.visualparadox.com/images/.../beacon800.jpg

Of course you will make it there. The best thing ANY person can do, in my opinion, is be a good parent. Not only are you good, you are great, and if someone can't share that with you because of some misplaced sense of self righteousness, then their loss. You are strong, beautiful and someday a guy will come along who will accept you for that and love you, unconditionally. Until then, we are here for you! You have been a pillar and inspiration to a lot of folks on this board, and it will remain that way.

Of course if that last one is too bright, I also carry one of these
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/...500_AA280_.jpg

It so funny how many times I have thought to myself that he places conditions on love.
All those fines I incurred for running through the stop signs and red lights are going to be a heavy price to pay. :)
Thank you all for your support, now I just want the ability to move.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

It so funny how many times I have thought to myself that he places conditions on love.
All those fines I incurred for running through the stop signs and red lights are going to be a heavy price to pay. :)
Thank you all for your support, now I just want the ability to move.

Is that a request for a kick in the arse?

You know I'm up for it. :D

Was it too soon? It was too soon... :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Is that a request for a kick in the arse?

You know I'm up for it. :D

You said tomorrow is the arse kicking day. Today I mope, you support, no arse kicking.

My arse is still sore from your last kick!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

You said tomorrow is the arse kicking day. Today I mope, you support, no arse kicking.

My arse is still sore from your last kick!

You said you needed the ability to move. I was only trying to help.

Okay, persuasion is better then force. Will you move for chocolate?