Ask Me Help Desk - Need to find Courage

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Chery - did you see my last post before yours?????

No dear, was busy writing and did not post soon enough for you to see it, your's got there before I had finished. Since I've been out for a while, it's taking me a bit to catch up, and I like to give all my concentration to what I'm saying. Stay with me partner, and don't run too fast because I'm a little slow and my spine is still healing.

"C" "U" again soon.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Chery

Have you ever thought that when a child continuously gets told that he/she is bad, that they will probably turn out that way because they have been constantly told so???

And, I'm sure that when a young person gets told that 'they'll never amount to anything' (I'm sure we've all heard that one...) they, in their frustration, don't even strive to prove you wrong because they just give up..

I'm sure that there are many other cliché's that apply here, and they have ingrained themselves so much that there is no self-respect left.

Most men I've met in life got influenced in early age, pertaining to their sexual behavior, to their choice in career, family, etc. They have role-models that influence them one way or the other.

We all are not born with a set pattern all our lives. We get influenced through our personal experiences and through the guidance during the impressionable years in life. Some of us are weak and others strong enough to sive out what's later revealed to not be the right way of things.

But, in the end, it's what we learn and how we apply it that determines what life we lead.

There is a book that I read a long time ago, called "Me, Myself and I", I don't remember who it was written by and wish I still had it. It explains that there are essentially three individuals within, the child, the adolescent, and the adult. Depending on the given circumstance, the appropriate one will (should) take over and this will determine our reaction to things in life. Needless to say, it also depends on how these were influenced and nurtured.

Too bad that when I was growing up, children were still spanked and/or beaten. Now it's against the law in most countries to do this. So, if you can figure out what makes a person tick the way they do in a post on a thread, please write a book and get rich, while we gain in knowledge - no offense meant here - please don't take it the wrong way.

Gosh, I wish it were all so easy - that way I would not need a therapist myself in times of stress - but I'm human and it happens.

It's ironic how after writing a long post, the only one that was singled out was the short post afterward that just wanted to make a point on how negative influence can generate negative actions/reactions.

Hope this made more sense.
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My hopes and best wishes to all.

I still get the impression that you are stating that I "drove" him to continue cheating on me.
Look, I've given this guy chance after chance after chance... Believe it or not, every time he goes out, I don't blow up at him and say things like "I know you are going to cheat on me"-I've heard the expression "Well if you are going to accuse me then I might as well be doing it" one too many times to continuously set myself up for more heartache. Each time he goes out I tell him that I love and trust him (even though I really don't trust him a whole lot) and that is all. I understand what you are saying and I'm not offended-but I have to defend myself to the fact that I don't drive him to cheat on me-I am a wonderful person, and I've learned through my years of what and what not to say.

Well I deleted my post because I didn't see you post right before I did. But the statement did confuse me, though I followed all the other stuff. I will say this about cheating. In no way, shape, or form can cheating be any body's fault but the cheaters. Cheating is a choice and in my opinion is the ultimate act of disrespect.

Much love , You have the power to change your life,get rid of the loser and the baggage he brings and think of YOU and the way you want your life to be!:cool:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kryc

Well I deleted my post because I didn't see you post right before I did. But the statement did confuse me, though I followed all the other stuff. I will say this about cheating. In no way, shape, or form can cheating be any body's fault but the cheaters. Cheating is a choice and in my opinion is the ultimate act of disrespect.

You are so right.

D in Mo... did you see my last post??

Once a cheater, always a cheater - they never stop.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

D in Mo....did you see my last post??????????????????????????????

Once a cheater, always a cheater - they never stop.

The thing of it is, I feel like they all cheat. And when does that rule apply? At some point, everybody cheats, whether you are fourteen or 24-does that mean they are always a cheater? There are so many definitions of "cheating" so at what point does the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" apply?

Update and a question: the night before last night everything went real well between us, we spent some alone time together, we talked about things, he came out on his own and said he wanted to quit what he was doing (not referring to cheating... ) and get a job and make things right (this is all without me bringing it up) and that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever... everything was great and I went to bed happy for once in a long time.
Yesterday, I get home from work, he was real sweet, asked me how my day went, fed the kids, then took a shower, got dressed and left to go "handle some business". He left around 7:00PM. Well he calls me about 9:00PM because he was "just thinking about me" and wanted to tell me that he loved me (aw how sweet right?) and then he said he had to do a few more things and he would be home. Well guess what? He never came home. Am I surprised no? Hurt-hell yes. Even though he does this all the time, why does it hurt in the same amount of pain every time?

No the post about the woman I have been seeing.

BTW - WHY are you still with this guy?? Why?? He just keeps pooping on you.

I for one think that you should move on. He doesn't show you respect because he tells you one thing and does something else. Now sometimes things like that are unavoidable but not on a constant basis. You said it yourself you are hurt and come to expect him not to do as he says. You are not happy with the way things are at the moment. You can't change the way he treats you but you don't have to put up with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

No the post about the woman I have been seeing.

BTW - WHY are you still with this guy???? Why??? He just keeps pooping on you.

Yes Wildcat, I noticed the post; however, I have three babies. I don't know the woman you are with, but I am guessing her children are teenagers or older, not babies that require most or all of her attention.
But it did give me some hope...

Yes - a little older. In school. There are guys out there that love kids and are compatible with you - no question.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Yes - a little older. In school. There are guys out there that love kids and are compatible with you - no question.

Yeah they are called homosexuals. Doesn't work for me.

You are being unfair to yourself.

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Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

Yeah they are called homosexuals. Doesn't work for me.

Dear!
That's not fair.
One thing for you to remember, that there are SO many kinds of fish in the ocean.
What you've just done I in your last post, you slammed the door to future possible relationships - I know, it's a kind of defence for future "failures"
But why presume them?
In any cast, you shouldn't stay with him. Even when he's nice, warm, tender, caring, swears to be THE romantic husband IN PERSON, meets all your dreams, and more, what else? You name it.
EVEN THEN- he's just playing with your feelings!
I won't even try to attempt to answer the question if he means it: it's irrelevant. He's not going to be like this. He can't.
Of course it hurts: because you trusted him again, I'm not talking about being faithful - I'm talking about the way he behaved, when he was with you - you went to sleep happy, because you had hope, which means you trusted his intentions and words.
BUT!
It didn't last, because it couldn't.
He's put you, once more, in an emotional roller-coaster.
And he makes sure you can't leave it.
It's the worst relationship you can have.
You reached this marriage with a very low self confidence, during the years with him he did his best to make you feel even worst about yourself.
I think that if we look at both of you through impartial glasses, we will find out you are above him in many aspects: your character, your intelligence, your creativity, your compassion, your honesty, you're probably hard working and the whole house is on your shoulders. I don't know what more, but I'm sure we can have a booklet filled with it.
Am I right?
At least a little?
If so, he might feel INFERIOR to you, and will do his best to put you down.
How have you changed since you're together?
Lost, maybe , you sense of humour?
Does he ridicule you, the things you say, the things you do?
My dear!
YOU MUST GET A THERAPIST TO HELP YOU REACH THE RIGHT SELF EVELUATION, TO HELP YOU GET THROUGH THIS ORDEAL, TO SUPPORT YOU AND HELP YOU LEAVE HIM

And don't take blame TO ANY OF HIS ACTIONS!

I'm sorry if I'll hurt you now, but he wasn't nice because of something you did!
AND, in the same way, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for any
Actions he took.He's cheating because that what probably gives him a sense of worth: having his way with woman. He thinks he's so smart he can eat the cake and still keep it!
You must stop taking part in the play he wrote, don't accept to go on with the role he designed for you.
Be your own master, stop being his slave.
I wish you all the best luck in the world.
And write us.
We shall all support you here, but you must be helped by a therapist. Someon beside you, to hold your hand.
A good one will make wonders for you!
Take care,
Millie:)

The fact she keeps letting this creep back in her life says in all. She doesn't want to help herself. We've been knocking our heads against the wall for this gal.

This guy just keeps pooping on her.

I am done with it.

Quote:

you must stop taking part in the play he wrote, don't accept to go on with the role he designed for you.

I think others have been writing her part in plays all her life and they've all been 'bad parts'. She needs to find herself before she can even look further. I hope she gets the help she needs for her and the children's sake.

Yes and the children DO NOT, under any circumstamces, need this loser in their lives - ever. Period, end of story.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

The fact she keeps letting this creep back in her life says in all. She doesn't want to help herself. We've been knocking our heads against the wall for this gal.

This guy just keeps pooping on her.

I am done with it.

Hey I am just here venting like everyone else. When I need a place to go, someone to listen, I post here. That's all.
You don't understand what it's like-not that I expect anyone to.I don't need anyone to hold my hand or baby me, just some good friends who will talk with me and not judge me.

No one judges you here, we just want the best for you,sometimes it means telling you things you might not want to hear but it is only mean't to help, from those who care! Much love!:cool: :)