Ask Me Help Desk - Say one Thing and You do Another

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Screw it. I'm just going to ask her if I pissed her off or not. This isn't going anywhere anyway so I'd rather know.

Yeah, that's right. I just quoted myself. :cool:

Ahhh women. So I asked her if I had upset her or offended her, or she just plain wasn't feeling it. Yeah, stupid move after all. But anyway, she said no, I didn't upset her at all. But then I got the old "Sorry I've been really busy and stressed" line. Was she really busy and stressed? Maybe. Maybe not. No way to know, and doesn't matter really (haha except it matters just enough to log on and type this). I told her no worries, long as she was honest. Then I said when life calms down a bit for her I'd like to go see this movie we'd been talking about if she was still interested. I wasn't planning on a particular day or anything, but she suggested Sunday (today). I told her I was free after 7. She said cool, she'll give me a call. Too bad my gut told me she was full of it. Too bad I was right. Who does that though? I gave her the out she needed if she wasn't interested. But then she goes and sets up a date and time to do something, and then never calls. How rude. :) Time to mark this one down as a loss. Tis a shame though. Other than her random behavior she was a cool girl.

No biggie, got another one lined up hopefully. ;)

Hey dude, why do you put yourself into a misery? I met a guy who acted like your girl too. And know what I did to him? Delete all his information, phone number, ID,. everything, and thank God, he's out of my mind too. Its hard but it works.

I think you should think about future. Just imagine once this girl be your girlfriend and she still acts like this then is that what you want to be treated? No dude, I guess you don't. So yep, you don't need anyone who doesn't need you.

Hey guy, if your going to date around, stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. I think your making way too much drama, for a few dates. Do the fun, and leave the rest alone. Keep it moving, and don't get stuck.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think your making way to much drama, for a few dates.

Very true. I am guilty of that.

Hmm, where do I even start with this one? This girl absolutely confounds me.

Since my last post (after I had given her up as a loss) we actually ended up going to a movie. She talked to me online after she didn't call me that Sunday and acted like she didn't just stand me up. I was kind of pissed, but I figured I'd give her another shot. At some point I told her to let me know when she was free. She said she was on Thursday and asked what I'd like to do. I told her that I'm leaving it up to her this time. She chose to go to the movie that we were going to go to the Sunday she stood me up. When I got to the theater to meet her, she had already bought tickets for us!

I had planned on making some moves on her while we where at the movie, but of course she chooses the two seats with the arm rest down between them, and I wasn't able to raise it because she put her drink in the holder... so nothing happened that time. Just enjoyed the movie, then parted ways.

Then a few days later we went out to eat and then went back to her place to watch some TV. We hung out and drank a few beers... however I couldn't get comfortable enough to take her hand, or go in for a kiss or anything. Plus, her body language was kind of "closed off," as in she had her legs crossed and her hands in her lap, and sat on the couch a little bit aways from me. I inched my way closer throughout the night, but still nothing. After watching TV, as I was leaving for the night, I tried to stall as long as I could to find a moment for a kiss, but she was standing there with her arms crossed and it didn't appear very inviting, so I didn't make any moves again and just went home feeling like a loser.

We went out to dinner some time after that. She was going out of town for work the next day, so I was determined to show my romantic interest and go for a kiss before I got put into the friend zone... but again it didn't happen. I went home frustrated that night, so I texted her and asked her if she was asleep yet. She said no, so I told her to meet me outside her place in 15 minutes. I drove over, waited for her to come out but she didn't. So, I sent a text saying something like "alright then," and she sent one back saying "you never came" and I said "yeah I did, come outside." So she came out, and I walked right up to her, pulled her up to me and kissed her a few times. She asked me if I forgot something in a joking way, and I nervously spit out something like "Yeah, and I just wanted to give you that before you went out of town." She said something like "Thanks!" and I was like "No, thank you!" and jumped in my ride and left.

Now, I figured after this either she would think I was crazy or really start to dig me. Since I kissed her, we've hung out once more - we went to a festival in the area in which I live. We took a cab and chatted the whole way there. We hung out with some of her friends and drank some, then went out afterward to a bar. I was surprised to find out that she had told her friends stuff about me, like that we've gone on dates, what video games I like, that I play music, etc. We had a good time, but I didn't think it was an awesome time really - she seemed kind of uptight and nervous for most of it, but I think she was just feeling claustrophobic around all the people.

Anyway, on the cab ride home she didn't say but like 2 words to me. She just sat there with her eyes closed. She could have been drunk or something, but I started to think about how lame it was that she wasn't being talkative and that maybe she didn't have fun, and maybe she didn't like me after all. I asked if she was OK, and she said she was tired. Then, when we got to her place she kissed me real quick, then jumped out of the cab. So then I thought, OK well maybe she does like me... so I sent her text when I got home saying "You are so hot!" No response though.

Now here's where it gets weird. I would expect at this point she would maybe call me some, or attempt to hang out with me of her own accord - you know, show some kind of interest so that I didn't feel like I was wasting my time with her. Nothing of the sort though.

Monday we were supposed to hang out at my place and watch a movie or something... we had set this up about a week earlier. Only, Monday, she wasn't anywhere to be found online (which is how we normally talk during the day while at work). I called her Monday evening on my way home, she didn't answer. I sent her a text saying something like "Hey I tried to call, thought we were hanging out tonight. Give me a call if you wanna come over and kick it!" She called like 3 hours later. I didn't hear my phone because I assumed she wasn't going to call back and got involved in working on some music, which I do in my spare time. Plus, I was kind of pissed because she waited until it was really too late to hang out to respond. She then sent a text saying something like "I'm with a friend who needs company, you can come hang out with us if you want, sorry about tonight." I didn't respond to the text.

I saw her online again the next day. I told her no worries about the other night, and that we could hang out some other time. She said "OK, cool." I tried to start up a conversation with her but she acted uninterested, and stopped talking to me after about 5 sentences. I tried to ask if she was busy, but she didn't answer at all. Now I'm all confused again. This chick is crazy. I figured after I kissed her her interest level would have either plummeted or gone up, but it still seems the same, as if she kind of likes me but not really. If I try to measure her by her actions, I come to three conclusions: a) She's not really all that interested, but has nothing better going on at the moment, so I'll do for now. b) She doesn't really like me all that much, but continues to do stuff with me because it makes her look better to her friends and family to have someone to "date." She seems like an independent person who doesn't date all that often - maybe her friends/family were pressuring her. c.) She does like me and is interested, but doesn't know how to express it or move forward with it. Also, she seemed like an inexperienced kisser, which made me feel like perhaps she hasn't been with many guys and doesn't know how to act when dating someone (this could be speculation though as first kisses are usually a little awkward). But, if this were the case I would expect her to at least be excited and want to hang out with me, and show some initiative - any initiative. A random, unexpected text, phone call, email, invitation to hang out, anything would do. Rarely, if ever happens though... so I'm thinking it's probably A or B.

Anyone? What you think? Sorry for the length. I like details.

I can't help but notice this whole thing is about you, and your expectations, and subsequent frustration, and IMPATIENCE. That's not a very good way to get to know someone new, and just me, what's your hurry? Just me, with a stranger, paying attention, making her relaxed, and comfortable in your company, and making love to her mind, is always the priority. Just my opinion but your chasing to hard, and she keeps her walls up. Do young guys nowadays really expect a sign, or something, that the female is interested? Wow, I always thought if she was there she, was at least willing to see what you got, and how you present it. I also suspect the maturity level may be a bit uneven in her favor, or I don't think you would be as confused, or inclined to rush faster than she may be willing go. Slow down, and concentrate on who she is, not what.

THIS GIRL IS A FLAKE. Are you sure that she is not carrying the torch for someone else? Hot, cold, mixed signals confused, partially interested. Ask her what her last boyfriend was like, you need to find out what attracts her.

Tal - Do young guys nowadays really expect a sign, or something, that the female is interested? YES, when a girl likes you she makes it real easy for you, just like his last girlfriend. The bottom line is - Are you getting the results that you want? If not there comes a point to move on.

See, I think that it is the challenge that is driving you crazy. She is playing games big time and she knows what she is doing. Is it really that hard to send a text that says "I enjoyed your friendship, but I not sure that we are a match, I hope you the best" NO! So why the pseudo interest.

Every girl that I worked this hard for was a pain in the @$$ and a bad lay after I finally got it. How did I get it? By finally getting mad and treating them like dirt. They then started to become attentive.

My take, she is either still interested in someone else and is stringing you along as a backup, or she is very insecure emotionally and needs the attention, or she doesn't have anything better to do (most probably 2 and 3). She is playing the games conscientiously because either she is not interested and needs the attention or she is testing you too see how much crap you will take from her and who will be in charge of the relationship.

Just play the game back, she's not going to be worth it, so you might as well have some fun. When she calls answer and tell her you will call her right back, then call the next day. Set up a date and cancel the last minute. Basically do everything she is doing to you and don't call her on Friday nights, don't you have anything better to do?

By the way, how old are the both of you, how attractive is she (does she always get hit on?) and what was the deal with her last boyfriend (jerk, nice guy, etc.. )?

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Tal - Do young guys nowadays really expect a sign, or something, that the female is interested? YES, when a girl likes you she makes it real easy for you, just like his last girlfriend. The bottom line is - Are you getting the results that you want? If not there comes a point to move on.

Maybe that's part of the problem, young guys expect things to be made easy for them. I think she may know better than to make things so easy, as she may want to take time and see what he is all about. You do have a point, as if a guy is not wanting to work a little, he can always find an easier female, like his ex maybe.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LivingtheLifeinFLA

THIS GIRL IS A FLAKE. Are you sure that she is not carrying the torch for someone else?

Hell yes she's a flake. Do you mean she's dating someone else? To be honest, I have no idea really because we only hang out about once or twice a week. I don't think she is though, because when I went to hang out with her and her coworkers last weekend I got the vibe that I was the only person she was seeing. But, it's impossible to be sure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LivingtheLifeinFLA

Are you getting the results that you want? If not there comes a point to move on.

Hard to answer that. I'll get the results I want for a few weeks, and then she'll turn cold. Then she'll warm up again, and then cold again. It really just getting to the point to where it's not worth my effort. My energy would be better spent on someone else.

To answer your last question, we're both 25. She's a bit older than me though, and will be 26 in a couple of weeks. Unfortunately I don't really know anything about her last boyfriend. I haven't had the chance to ask her yet. I have a sneaking suspicion though that she either hasn't really had too many boyfriends.

At first when she started acting this way, I figured she might be dating someone else besides me, which is fine. No reason she can't, and no reason I can't either. But, as I got to know her more, and after I kissed her, I came to the conclusion that she probably hadn't been with too many guys. So I'm not sure if she's actually playing games or has no game whatsoever. Either that, or she really just doesn't like me that much, which is fine, but I wish she would simply say she's not feeling it if that was the case. I've even asked her this once a few weeks back and gave her an out if she wasn't feeling a connection, but what does she go and do? Set up a date, and then blow me off!

As far as her attractiveness level, I'd rate her somewhere around a 7. She isn't super hot, but isn't bad looking by any means. Dresses conservatively. She's decent looking, but not a knockout. So no, she probably doesn't get hit on all that often, but who knows. I don't think it matters at this point really.

I think I'm going to have to give up on this one, again... lol! She's pissed me off anyway... my band played a show last night and she was supposed to come. I even texted her to remind her, but she never responded and never showed. My plan now I guess it to just not talk to her anymore. I don't know what to do really... probably doesn't even matter at this point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Maybe thats part of the problem, young guys expect things to be made easy for them. I think she may know better than to make things so easy, as she may want to take time and see what he is all about. You do have a point, as if a guy is not wanting to work a little, he can always find an easier female, like his ex maybe.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem taking time, and I have no problem working to get a girl. It seems like to me though that I'm just not getting anywhere with her, and we've been hanging out for a couple of months now. I feel like a.) the harder I try, the more desperate it makes me look, and b.) my efforts haven't really gotten me that far... and I've put in the majority of the effort at this point. All I'm asking from her for is a little sign that I'm going in the right direction. There comes a point where if I keep trying and she keeps acting the same way then I have no incentive or motivation to continue forward. Otherwise, I'd be a stalker. I don't know, maybe I'm just used to things moving a bit faster...

It's my impression you're used to things moving faster and you're confused ~ sort of like culture shock :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by frangipanis

it's my impression you're used to things moving faster and you're confused ~ sort of like culture shock :)

Could be, haha why do you think I'm freakinconfused? I don't know though. Every girl is different so, maybe she just goes this slow.

Maybe she does lol

Why not ask her how she feels about dating you? Is she nervous, shy, inhibited? Does she feel ready to be emotionally involved? And maybe send her flowers... just a thought :)

Hey guy, I liked your response ,and only you can know if she is worth the time or not. Sometimes its better to move on, and stop spinning our wheels.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

...stop spinning our wheels.

Point taken.

Hi freakinconfused...
I've now read it all and it makes for very interesting reading. I don't think you need to worry that anything is wrong with you - you might analyze a bit much, but that's understandable give what you've been through in the past.

I have a few thoughts on this lady that have not been approached and might not even apply, but we humans are all different, emotionally and otherwise.

So, let me try something out:

I have been chronically ill with several diagnoses throughout my life, some going as far back as childhood.

During my twenties, I tried as best as I could to fit in the normal life - even though I was in severe pain 24/7 - didn't tell anyone and did my best to hide the symptoms (spine-degeneration, arthritis, fribrmyalgia - to mention a few) from others. Working hard and keeping my job was my main goal in trying hard to fit in and manage. So, during this time, I worked hard, met people and even went on dates and tried my best to follow-up phonecalls, scheduling dates with full intention of keeping them - but my illness and strong medication were in command and forced me to miss a lot of them. I also did not always get to return phoncalls or letters because I was so heavily medicated that I was in another world and ashamed of being so weak and didn't feel like bothering others by explaining my problem. When I did have occasions to be 'normal' I eagerly made new dates and enjoyed having fun and being normal for the time allowed. This frustrated me to the point where I would cut all communication from the world for several days at a time - I felt helpless during those flares. But, still I refused to share my weakness with others and it only made things worse because they thought that I was stuck-up or cold or irresponsible and insensitive. I know better now, but when I was young, I let my pride get in the way and feared rejection if I told others my 'secret'.

Another possible reason for such behaviour you described is that of non-prescription drug use which can lead to irresponsibility and apathy - and when sobering up, one tends to try and act like nothing is wrong.

There could also be an indication of personality disorder which is also difficult for an individual to control at will.

Even now, at the age of 57, I was placed on medication which I did not want due to cancer. These were strong opiate patches and they made me feel so sick and lethargic the last three weeks, that I just stayed in my place, not getting on the computer, not visiting with my grandchild, and just plain not wanting to do anything anymore. I went through motions but was in another world which I did not like at all. It took a lot of fighting with the doctors to finally get me off this medication so that I had a clear mind again to be able to spend quality time with family and friends and my cyber-family here on AMHD. Believe me, without them, I would rather not live any longer.

So, even though you may be confused, there could be other more serious reasons for her behaviour besides trying to play games with you. She might have more on her plate than she can handle sometimes but is ashamed to open up to anyone for fear of being rejected.

I know this all may sound off the wall - but in this day and age anything is possible.

So, don't worry too much about your imagined shortcomings - you might not have done anything at all wrong.. and she might not even know better as something else entirely might have more control over her than she admits.

Tell her she is confusing you and that you'd like to understand her irratic actions and see if she even realizes what she is doing and explain why. At least then, you'll know where you stand and can go on with your life.

Sorry this wound up being so long, but there could be more to a picture than what we see a few times a week.

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