Ask Me Help Desk - Is not responding to contact effective?

This guy sounds like a real jerk , do you want to send him Birthday wishes in the hope he contacts you again , bad idea and will only fuel false hope.

You've been climbing the NC mountain for 4 months and your nearly at the top , why would you want to start at the bottom again?

It sounds like you might be suffering from something I have been noticing.

It seems like there is a trend of people who get dumped who feel guilty for some reason. Most of the time, the dumpee hasn't done a damn thing wrong, but yet they still feel guilty for some reason.

When dreamer mentioned the hit to yourself esteem, I think she nailed part of it. After being in a relationship with someone who can manipulate you, yourself esteem takes a hit and when you are left to your own resources, it is much tougher to feel okay again... that guilt lingers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Witchywoman1212

hi, '
i was wondring in my dilemna,its been almost 4 months of NC through this bad breakup-where i had to put up with the exes insults and verbal abuse just because he met someone new and i refused his request for friendship. I tried being his friend but it got me nowhere but miserable,and why should i after he dumped me for someone else.
Its been almost 4 months and I havent heard from him, i saw him online but as usual he ignored me,you'd think the guy at least acknowledge me. The thing is he didnt acknowledge my birthday either which was last month,and that did hurt. after he sent me his last insulting email which i posted before and never replied to,under my friends advice,its as though he just goes on with his life and not care at all which he is obvious. I know i shouldnt be expecting anything,but his bday is comming up real soon,and wonder if wishiing him happy birthday will get him talking to me or open a door. But part of me thinks, he he's the one who broke up,treated me badly,had not contacted me at all for months,not even on my Birthday.
I know the answer to this, i have been going far along in NC,not even breaking it when i saw him online either. What bothers me is he did the same thing (ignore me online tho he's the one who encouraged me to sign up so we can chat often-) It was an LDR. Furthermore,even when we were speaking terms,but only when he needed to vent and rant about something like his new gf.
special occasions like these make it harder so .
Any advice, similar experence would be very helpful.

No way should you contact him. Firstly, the way he has behaved, why would you want to try and start a friendship with someone like that. Secondly, you need to ask your motivation for sending birthday wishes, it is a fishing exercise on your part to find out if he is still interested or has had some realisation that he has made a mistake. Don't do it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbird213

It sounds like you might be suffering from something I have been noticing.

It seems like there is a trend of people who get dumped who feel guilty for some reason. Most of the time, the dumpee hasn't done a damn thing wrong, but yet they still feel guilty for some reason.

When dreamer mentioned the hit to your self esteem, I think she nailed part of it. After being in a relationship with someone who can manipulate you, your self esteem takes a hit and when you are left to your own resources, it is much tougher to feel okay again...that guilt lingers.

I agree that with being dumped/rejected there I a lot of guilt and self blame that goes along with it where the person/the dumpee feels that somehow it's their fault that this didn't work out. I have it constantly,teling myself,if only I wasn't so interested in him,just liked him as a friend from the start,or said something different,maybe there wouldve been a different outcome.but then its not as though he didn't have a hand in this to, The first time when we started speaking,he wanted me to tell him that I loved him, and even one day have his child! He reallu wanted to hear it,come to find out it was just to make him feel better after his breakup,so its not as though he didn't encourage it and toook it further.
Now that he has found someone else its as though his personality took a 180 where he 's gotten more comfortable rejections and verbal insults-when he kept pushing for us to remain friends so he'll have someone to talk to and I told him I couldn't just be a friend amd thought of him as more,he says getover it and see a therapist you need one-dreamers right I shouldve said then yes,I'm over you now goodbye,
This is after he told me months ago that he didn't answer mycall because he was in bed with someone,literally rubbing it in my face je was getting busy,that's when I decided that he was an a$$ and decided to keep away from him,and when I did I got nothing but calls and emails from him asking what happen,now I might as well not exist and that's what I don't understand how someone can act so callous. Its like ,hey you were importantt o me when I needed you on my own terms now that you don't comply any more with what I want,you're not owrthy of me.
Its not just the blatant rejection that hurts it's the verbal assaults and him acting as if I'm not good enough for him. it was like he reiterated all of it saying hey I told you all this because you're deep in this fantasy world about me,yes it was a fantasy that you helped create you jerk. Well,after writing this folks there's my reasons now for not even acknowledging his birthday
My thing is the way I was trated badly by him I didn't see how I deserve this somehow.
I always try to look for the good in people,that why I wanted to reach out,but like dreamer said his lack of respect says it all

Hi WitchyWoman,

Good for you! He is so not worthy of you! Let him wonder why he hasn't heard from you on his birthday. Too bad on him! I know it sucks, and we all blame ourselves for breakups, but you are not in the wrong here, at all. Keep up your strength, girl :)

Hey everyone, I wanted to say that I didn't contact him, I am stronger than I thought,keep posting your experiences o r support,thanks!

Congrats on making the right choice as he does not deserve your well wishes. You did a great thing and we are all very proud of you

The answer is 100% DON'T, however, I'm not surprised you're doing it because it is a decent person's contemplation. However he is not a decent person so don't waste your time on him in any way shape or form.

Oh dear, I didn't see that you decided not to anyway! Well done though!

Hi Boris and Rome! Very innovateive names I may add.
Thanks for your encouragement,along with everyone else's. I didn't do it, I kept NC,I just needed that support ,its true,because I do care it bothered me to not send it but you know what,I'm sure it didn't bother him when my birthday passed and he didn't say anything
I have to realize there are just people who wll come in and exit your life and not care at all.Even though they somehow made a difference in your life or theirs,they can just walk away and not care,its scary and makes you think,wow do I want to put my heart on the line like this again?

Well done!!

My exboyfriend was not abusive, we broke off becos he thinks I'm not "the one" (bull, he told me he wants to marry me before, and thinking of proposing) and I thought we can carry on from somewhere...

I send him a belated birthday present and he didn't bother to text me or call me to tell me "thanks"

Ya, end up I have been trying to figure out, "did he receive the present? Did he noe i was the one who sent him?" I have no answer, and you... More disappointed...

Guess what, he still views my blog... I dun even noe what the hell is he thinking... The breakup is so crap becos of his commitment phobia..

Quote:

Originally Posted by teengal_1985

My exboyfriend was not abusive, we broke off becos he thinks im not "the one" (bull, he told me he wants to marry me before, and thinking of proposing) and i thought we can carry on from somewhere...

I send him a belated bday present and he didnt bother to text me or call me to tell me "thanks"

Ya, end up i have been trying to figure out, "did he receive the present? Did he noe i was the one who sent him?" I have no answer, and ya... More disappointed...

Guess what, he still views my blog.... I dun even noe what the hell is he thinking... The breakup is so crap becos of his commitment phobia..

I guess the moral is don't send the card. But we already know you didn't.

Good job!

Quote:

Originally Posted by teengal_1985

My exboyfriend was not abusive, we broke off becos he thinks im not "the one" (bull, he told me he wants to marry me before, and thinking of proposing) and i thought we can carry on from somewhere...

I send him a belated bday present and he didnt bother to text me or call me to tell me "thanks"

Ya, end up i have been trying to figure out, "did he receive the present? Did he noe i was the one who sent him?" I have no answer, and ya... More disappointed...

Guess what, he still views my blog.... I dun even noe what the hell is he thinking... The breakup is so crap becos of his commitment phobia..

Your far better off finding out now than down the track when you have so much more invested in the relationship.

I know exactly how you feel. I can't understand how someone I thought I had a special relationship- really couldn't care less in such a short space of time. I also know it will be a long time before I trust fully again, if ever. It's going to be a healing process to realise there are people out there who will treat you with such disregard after everything you've been through together, I've learnt not to trust again unless I'm 100% sure, and look for tell tale signs. I know your pain :)

Hi teengal,Boris
Thanks for sharing your story I wasn't going to waste a tree sending him a birthday card but an email,well that's wasting energy also-so I do need to conserve it for better purposes.
Its true what Boris says how some people can act like you you're nothing in a short time,mayybe that's because they are so shallow their hearts were not even in it,like they one foot out the door, he even confided in me that he can switch his emotions on and off,well mr, cyborg not everyone's like this and that's why we-who can't switch emotions need to be very careful,likeBoris says be 100% sure,even if we can't be that sure first sign of Red flags,run for the hills people,at least they know that you won't tolerate disrespect.
Lessoned learned

Quote:

Originally Posted by friend4u178

Well done!!!

Why thank you!