Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend of 4 years wanted a "break." It's been 5 weeks, what do I do?

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

I loved her (and still do) very much,

The good thing here was you recognized that you loved her as opposed to saying “We loved each other” as I usually see. You can only speak for you. Which leads me too…..

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

and we were great together.

You thought you were great together. She felt differently.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

We hardly ever got into fights, and when we did, I always tried to diffuse the argument or end up blaming most of it on myself (which was not the right thing to do, which I see now, but these low points were rare, so anyway...)

You are already a few steps ahead of me. You never give in. NEVER. The reality is woman start fights for several reasons and one of them is to see if your “man enough” to stand up to her. To a woman if you don't fight back then you are weak, and a woman doesn't want a weak man.
Also, woman like drama, and fighting is one way for them to liven things up. My point is that when men argue we do to reach a conclusion and move on, when women do it……sometimes, it's a test of your manhood.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

We did everything together. We hung out every single day, and spent every night together unless she had to go out of town or something like that, and we had fun practically all the time.

You must have a life of your own. When your with her all the time, then you become the puppy dog that does every thing she says. Women want surprise and when your around all the time that isn't a surprise. Women want mystery and when you there, she has no mystery or time to think about you.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

She then says that she's been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, and wouldn't do this to us if she didn't really think it would make us better off in the long run.

I think she was lying and had been thinking about this for more then a couple of weeks. Months perhaps.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

So of course I lose it and start to cry, and I tell her that I love her so much and that I don't think we need a break. I say that I can't believe this is happening, but that I understand if it's something she needs to do for herself, and if this is what she needs to do then I guess I have to be OK with that. Then I ask her if there is someone else like 5 times, to which she responds no each time, telling me that she wouldn't do that to me,

Having not read the rest yet, let me just say that I believe that is something she would do to you. In fact to say she's breaking up is exactly saying she is thinking about moving on even if it's not at this moment.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

and if she was interested in someone else she wouldn't want to go on a "break" but would just want to end it completely

She's full of something, because she has four years invested in you and you're a sure thing so there's no way she would end it completely for a non sure thing.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

So then I say well, if we are on a break then I can't stay at the apartment, so I call up my best friend who lives about 30 minutes away, and luckily he is cool enough to let me move in with him. She then tells me that I don't need to move all of my things out because even though we are on a break it is only going to be for a little while (she is saying all these things through tears of course).

Of course. Women are emotional, they can turn this stuff on, but why would she be so emotional if she was ending it? In other words she was faking so that you wouldn't be mad, but rather have sympathy for her even though you were the one getting screwed.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

She basically told me that I only need to bring enough things to stay for a short amount of time. So after a few hours of both of us just hurting and crying, we decide that I will spend one more night at the apartment and then the next night I will start living at my best friend's place. That night was so hard. We hardly slept and just held each other very tightly in bed all night long, with her crying off and on through the night.

So she literally dumped you and used as a her crying towel. I know it's hard as hell, but the moment she said you break you should have given it to her.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

The next day I go to work and feel like crap, and when I come home, we do some more crying and hugging,

Okay, I realize this was weeks ago, but you can NOT cry in front of a woman when she dumps you. They think of that as weak. I'm not going to BS you and say don't cry but don't do it in front of her. They hold that BS against you even though they lie to your face and say “I want a man who is not afraid to cry.”

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

and then she gives me some groceries and things she bought me to take with me. We then kiss passionately as if it will be the last time ever, and then I'm on my way. She is texting me the whole time, telling me to let her know when I got there, and other things like "she hates herself for doing this" and that she "thinks she is an idiot" and that I am so awesome for understanding and giving her space.

I would have simply wrote what you just wrote as “The entire trip to my new home after being dumped after 4 loyal years, she texts me with various messages leading me on and toying with my confused emotions.” Pretty much what you wrote, on with a different tone. She didn't respect you at all, by doing that….in fact it borders on cruelty.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

I think it's also important to note that I noticed while I was at the apartment getting things that one of my ex's girlfriends who used to come hang with us and spend the night a few nights a week (she works with my ex but lives kind of far away), who I think is a bad influence on her, has sort of moved in and is basically crashing there every night. She moved in probably a week after I left. This girl is kind of a flirt and drinks heavily, and has probably hooked up with most of the guys at their job. I don't totally dislike this girl, but before this "break" thing I was feeling frustrated with her because she was at our apartment all the time and I felt like she was taking time away from me and my (ex) girl. But, I dunno, maybe my ex just needed someone to be there with her.

Now we are getting somewhere. You ex saw the lifestyle of adventure this girl had and want to give it a try. If the novelty wore off she wanted you for the back up plan.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

I had moved all of my clothes out of my closet and she sent me a text saying that my empty closet made her cry. I didn't respond. She called. I didn't answer. She sent me a text later that night saying she was upset all day and that I completely ignored her and she didn't get it. I didn't respond. She called my job the next day upset and I told her she wanted a break and that I was trying to respect her wishes.

Gold. You gave her exactly what she asked for.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

She said she wasn't, and was thinking she wants to get back with me, but needs more time.

She was flat out lying to you. She sensed that you were getting tired of her game and were pulling away so she pulled out her ace in the hole (joke intended, I'll be here all week) and had sex with you to keep you interested.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

I am so confused guys, I just don't know what to do now. I loved this girl with all my heart for 4 years, and I still do. I care about her so much and I just can't wrap my mind around why she would want to go on a "break." The sad thing is, when she told me all the reasons for wanting to go on this break, I believed her, and I wanted them to be true, but I keep having doubts. I also thought that it would maybe only last a month at most, but here I am at 5 weeks and then some, and now I'm even more confused than I was before. I really just want her back. Please help!

We will get into this as I read more but she is PURPOSELY trying to confuse you. She's leading you on, and she knows exactly what she's doing.

Well I hope you're going to do the transfer, that would be a good move. She is still very much in control of the situation and you seem to be the only one suffering. She is getting comfortable because she knows she can leave you in limbo and you will stay there.
I think you need to just break up with her.
If she wants you, she will make the move. If she doesn't, you will know where you stand.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

It's still really hard though because, even though I try not to, I find myself thinking about her all the time. Also, two nights ago she "drunk dialed" me, even though it wasn't really a drunk dial because she told me in a text earlier that she was going to drunk dial me (a premeditated drunk dial is not a drunk dial), plus she didn't even sound drunk at all on the phone. She told me that she missed me and loved me, and that she wanted to hang out soon.

Another excuse to call and keep you hanging on.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

I told her that Monday (today) I had a few things to do but I wasn't doing a whole lot, so maybe we could hang out then. She said that sounded cool, but my guess is she won't even call or text today, and she'll just play it off like she was "drunk" and didn't remember what she said. It's just so weird, ya know? Why does she tell me she misses me and loves me (and I definitely believe her when she says it and I have those same feelings ALL the time), but she is the one who created the situation? I don't get it.

You just said it. She created this situation. Women understand, think, and use emotions better then you, I and any other guy. That is there built in defense mechnishm. She is controlling you through emotions. Everything she does she does with this intent in mind. You say that she loves you, but I say that she is using you for her own warped sense of excitement and as the safe person she can run to when she gets burned by somebody else.

Right on. I've been Chuffed! Thanks so much man! Your advice and comments are definitely harsh, but absolutely true, and whether I like it or not it is EXACTLY what I need to hear right now. So keep it coming if you can, and if you have time. I know my posts are long and I'm not trying to take up too much of everyone's time with them, but I just get on a roll and feel like I shouldn't leave out anything.

Give her more time. If you truly love her and want to be with her, then give it a little bit longer. Or you could simply ask her how she feels about the relationship, if she wants to break up permanently then its going to be hard, but youl have to accept it.

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Originally Posted by Miss Sparkle

Give her more time. If you truely love her and want to be with her, then give it a little bit longer. Or you could simply ask her how she feels about the relationship, if she wants to break up permenantly then its going to be hard, but youl have to accept it.

We are supposed to go out to dinner tomorrow night, and I was hoping to get up the balls to have an enjoyable dinner with her, but then afterward go to her place and get into the relationship stuff. I had planned on asking her how she feels about it and where she's at, but then also tell her I just can't do this break any longer because it's killing me inside. I don't know, right thing or wrong thing to do?

Firstly I would saw to you, Go to this dinner with her, be civil and just chat about things you used to, ask her what she's been doing lately, how she is etc. At the end tell her you've enjoed the evening with her, tell her how you'v been feeling. Don't pressure her in any way. If she's positive about the relationship don't get into the sex, touching or whatever unless she instigates it. At the end of the evening kiss her on the cheek and wish her goodnight.

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Originally Posted by Miss Sparkle

Firstly i would saw to you, Go to this dinner with her, be civil and just chat about things you used to, ask her what shes been doing lately, how she is etc. At the end tell her you've enjoed the evening with her, tell her how you'v been feeling. Dont pressure her in any way. If shes positive about the relationship dont get into the sex, touching or whatever unless she instigates it. At the end of the evening kiss her on the cheek and wish her goodnight.

This is pretty much what I had planned on doing at dinner. Just a fun dinner, no pressure, just chatting (mostly about her). But yes, at some point I'm going to have to tell her how I feel about all of this. I don't plan on pressuring her, or telling her she needs to make a decision about us, or anything like that. I just need to tell her how this break is making me feel, and that I don't really think I can do it much longer because it's hurting really badly. I need to just tell her that this is no longer a break but a break up (which it really pretty much is anyway). If she wants me still, then she'll let me know, right? I didn't really want to do this at the dinner itself, but maybe afterward if she asks me to come up to her apartment and hang out, or if not, sometime next week. But doing all of this - it makes me feel like I'm being strung along by her. It's like, I can kiss her on the cheek every time I see her, but I don't think me being there and being all affectionate is going to help her miss me, you know? Which is really what needs to happen. She has to feel that ache for me to want me again I would think, because otherwise, with me being around all the time and talking to her all the time, it's like nothing is different except that we aren't a couple anymore, and she can go do what she likes and not feel guilty about it, and just use me as a fall back plan in case she realizes the grass isn't greener on the other side. Right?

Go to your dinner, make it nice and casual and then later have your talk. Lay it on the line. Tell her how you feel, tell you you cannot keep doing this, that she needs to make up her mind. Then end it. Like I said before, if she wants you she will let you know. She will also leave you in limbo for as long as you allow it.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Go to your dinner, make it nice and casual and then later have your talk. Lay it on the line. Tell her how you feel, tell you you cannot keep doing this, that she needs to make up her mind. Then end it. Like I said before, if she wants you she will let you know. She will also leave you in limbo for as long as you allow it.

Do I really tell her she needs to make up her mind? Or should I just end it, but not give her the ultimatum to make up her mind, and assume that she will let me know if she wants to be with me? I mean, she knows my # and knows where I live, and could easily call me or come over if she changes her mind.

Yeah, I'd tell her she needs to make up her mind decide what she wants, but tell her in the meantime, you guys are through because you love her but you can't take the stress and don't deserve this.
She will know where to find you.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Oh and also, her birthday is coming up next week. She mentioned that she would like to hang out sometime next weekend. What do I do? What should I get her?

I know this was a few weeks ago but you should have got her nothing and a lot of it. You can not start rewarding her behavior with gifts.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Thanks, I've really been trying to do this! I've been playing music with my room mate (my best friend who was cool enough to let me move in when the crap happened) and a drummer that we know. I've also been trying to go for runs when I can to keep my mind off things.

All the above are good. I’d recommend setting your running goals at a higher. Either more distance or time in an attempt to work out some the stress and it helps you focus on something else.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

It's still really hard though because, even though I try not to, I find myself thinking about her all the time.

Well you are dealing with two problems at once. You are dealing with the first problem of feeling the loss of the break up and the second problem is hoping it works out. Those two high intensity emotions can’t really work together. You have to claim one, in which this case you have no choice; it’s the loss of the relationship and deal with that. It has to be like someone dying and going through that. But unlike when someone dies, you don’t keep seeing them and essentially punish yourself some more. So you have to accept this as a loss and go in that direction. You can’t hope this pain will go away if you keep seeing her.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Also, two nights ago she "drunk dialed" me, even though it wasn't really a drunk dial because she told me in a text earlier that she was going to drunk dial me (a premeditated drunk dial is not a drunk dial), plus she didn't even sound drunk at all on the phone.

The old “I’m going to drunk dial someone while sober so they think what I’m saying is what I really how I feel but something I would never say in real life to keep them interested” trick. It’s basically designed to keep you interested and hope that her feelings she would never admit to will suddenly mean something now that you think she has an interest she doesn’t normally speak about.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

She told me that she missed me and loved me, and that she wanted to hang out soon.

Man, I didn’t even read this sentence before I wrote what I wrote above. It’s moments like this I’m happy say, “girl you ain’t fooling anybody.”

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

I told her that Monday (today) I had a few things to do but I wasn't doing a whole lot, so maybe we could hang out then.

WRONG. You should have told her that if she wanted she could call you back at another time and set up time after that when she could take you out. I said take YOU out. After all she claims to love you in the drunk dial so this should not have been a problem for her.

In reality this would start throwing her own game back at her. Suddenly instead of you following her lead and taking a time when she offers it, you offer her the opportunity to prove herself to you, not the other way around, by calling you back sober and then by setting up a time that is convenient for you at that time.

I’ll be honest, her game isn’t that good. But she’s a least playing a game. Your game is non-existent. You follow every lead she throws at you because you don’t want to upset her. That’s your male logic brain working. But if you don’t stand her down, she will keep this up for as long as you allow it. All you have to do is quit giving in to her and allowing her to call all the shots.

In this example, I’m not suggesting you be rude to her or even turn her away, you just make her come to you at a later time, and then at that time you will set up a later time for HER to prove HERSELF and her words as true by taking YOU out. You haven’t lost anything, but you have gained new ground in that you

a. Stood up for yourself
b. Defined yourself as someone that does NOT need her.
c. Given HER something to look forward to by calling you in the future
d. Made her prove her words
e. Provided her with some responsibility under your control.
f. Possibly get a free meal out of this (which is always a way to please the Chuffster).

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

She said that sounded cool, but my guess is she won't even call or text today, and she'll just play it off like she was "drunk" and didn't remember what she said. It's just so weird, ya know?

But it did what the whole thing was designed to do. Keep you wondering and guessing. Keep you off your toes and thinking about her, and keep her in control.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Why does she tell me she misses me and loves me (and I definitely believe her

In a rare Chuff move, I’m stopping you in mid sentence. Let me be clear, she’s full of sh*t. She doesn’t love you, because if she did she wouldn’t have dumped you to begin with. Furthermore if the break up was a mistake, and we give her the benefit of the doubt on that, then why does she CHOOSE to punish (and that’s what this BS is, it’s punishment) you with all this emotional games but not follow through. Because this isn’t about love. Don’t ever speak for her, I don’t doubt you love her, but don’t ever speak for her feelings because you can not understand or know them.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

when she says it and I have those same feelings ALL the time),

Exactly. YOU have the feelings of love towards her so you want her to feel the same way. What you want and what is real are two different things.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

but she is the one who created the situation? I don't get it.

Exactly, again. She created this situation so she could end it by coming back to you at any time. It’s all in her hands, she has complete control. It’s time that control switched around. As I said her game isn’t that good. The problem is you don’t even realize she’s playing the game. But once you do, you can counter some of this easily by simply standing up for yourself and pulling away from her. Hell, look what happened when you pulled away last time, she opened her legs. You didn’t even know what you were doing that day and you still beat her at her game. Like I said, her game isn’t that good. You just have to wake up and realize that you involved in it.

Chuff once again some great insights. I think the bit where you say that she should take HIM out is crucial. I agree with that wholeheartedly. Many guys don't realize that women aren't the only ones that should be qualifying in the relationship. Where is yourself worth? You know? It's like you have to realize that YOU are #1 in this deal man. She broke your heart, she has to be the one to swoon you. Otherwise what's happening is this;

"I (your girl) broke up with you and now I want you to do what I say."

That's insanity. I'm going through a similar situ. I will tell you this Mr. Freakingconfused, I'm going through something that is farther down the timeline of a breakup. I'm 6 months after. She just contacted me and wants to be friends. I can guarantee you I will not be the one to say "let's go hang out" or "when will I see you". There is no chance of that. Even the whole friendship thing (if it even happens) would have to be her putting in more effort to gain my trust again (since she was the one that ended it initially). Don't be her lapdog, and never, ever ever ever say I miss you or I love you again, unless through some near miraculous event, you over a lengthy period, learn to trust her again through her maturing and effort filled venture into getting you back. Good luck and try and play some local gigs, man form a band. Women love rockers.

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Originally Posted by chuff

I know this was a few weeks ago but you should have got her nothing and a lot of it. You can not start rewarding her behavior with gifts.

I actually haven't given her anything yet! I still have the card and gift card. I was going to give it to her when/if we go out to dinner tonight. But maybe I shouldn't then? She sent a text this morning to me telling me that either tonight or tomorrow night is fine with her to go out to eat. She told me to let her know, and I did. I told her tonight was good. But she hasn't even texted back yet, so I don't know if we are even going. She's totally just playing games. I'm sick of this $#!t. I feel like texting her or calling her and just being like "you know, I've tried to take you out to dinner for a week, and you don't even seem like you want to go, so if you ever do why don't you just call me." I don't know, I just really need to drop this girl because I don't want to play games. But then again, if there ever was a possibility of getting her back, I would have to play them, right? Ugh. I'm such a freakin newbie.

Look, look this is tough love man. Umm it looks like you didn't even read the rest of Chuff's post nor mines. It's like you ignored them almost. You are still playing into her. You're letting her dictate everything. Look how with a simple lack of a text message she turns your world upside down. To get her back you don't play her games, it's the reverse man. You need to realize that. You have to gain the control of this situation. My advice to you, this needs no contact time. You need to cut her off and, believe me, if she wants you she will come around. The fact that you have "tried to take her out to dinner for a week" and she keeps dancing around it makes it seem like she may even be enjoying the torture she is causing. The only way this could be more obvious is if she mailed you a leash with an inscription saying "my pet". Where is yourself esteem?

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Chuff once again some great insights.

Thank you.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I think the bit where you say that she should take HIM out is crucial. I agree with that wholeheartedly. Many guys don't realize that women aren't the only ones that should be qualifying in the relationship. Where is your self worth? You know? It's like you have to realize that YOU are #1 in this deal man. She broke your heart, she has to be the one to swoon you.

Exactly. She did this to you. You didn't do this to her. Talk is cheap make her back it up, if she says she loves you then she should have no problem proving it. Enigmagnetic has also pointed out something great. YOU are number 1 in this NOT her. You have to put yourself ahead of her at all times and quite honestly you have the right and you deserve to do so after what she has done to you. [/QUOTE]

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Look, look this is tough love man. Umm it looks like you didn't even read the rest of Chuff's post nor mines. It's like you ignored them almost. You are still playing into her. You're letting her dictate everything. Look how with a simple lack of a text message she turns your world upside down. To get her back you don't play her games, it's the reverse man. You need to realize that. You have to gain the control of this situation. My advice to you, this needs no contact time. You need to cut her off and, believe me, if she wants you she will come around. The fact that you have "tried to take her out to dinner for a week" and she keeps dancing around it makes it seem like she may even be enjoying the torture she is causing. The only way this could be more obvious is if she mailed you a leash with an inscription saying "my pet". Where is your self esteem?

Your right, I know, and I totally read both of your posts at least 3 times! Thank you so much for the advice. I know I need to just switch the game up on her, or just not even play them and completely not even talk to her anymore. You guys are both right in that respect. But as far as the immediate situation goes, if she does contact me and want to go out, do I go? I mean, if she doesn't contact me, then clearly I'm just going to say F it and go home and go out with my friends and not even bother to attempt to take her out ever again. But if she does, then what? Do I go, and take everything she does and says tonight through the filter of game playing? Do I go through with telling her I'm not doing this break crap anymore and we are just done? Or do I not even touch that and just go out to eat, and then not talk to her anymore? Thanks again guys!

Umm basically mate, you don't even need to be talking to her. You are ex's! That means what you had is over, finished. In a few weeks she will probably having hot, sweaty pumping action with another guy.

Time to get a life without her. Stand up for you and your life. HAVE some self - respect!!

How about you stop asking yourself "what do I do about HER now?" and you ask yourself "what can I do to improve myself to make sure this won't happen again?". What I would do is leave it where it is. If she again stands you up, do not call. If she calls you do not pick up or call back. You do it for at least a couple months and then see where you stand. I hate to say this but the only way you're going to make a good decision is by emotionally disconnecting yourself. You won't do that with her until you give yourself some time away from her.