Im in a similar situation after being with someone for 2 years. She suggested the friend thing, but it hurts too much for me. I still care about her and would not be able to be a friend after what happened. I wish that it could be as simple as being the bigger man, but be honest with yourself, can you handle knowing she is seeing someone else, that you've been replaced, etc. Right now its time for you to heal. Do what's best for you, not how she may feel. Obviously, the women that left us weren't thinking about how we feel.

Well she has already found someone.. a month into breaking up actually! I don't know why some people are able to just drop a long term relationship and move on to someone so fast. It makes me feel like the 5 1/2 years we were together means nothing to her. He calling me shows me that she cares about me but she obviously not the way she used to judging by her new relationship. I still love her and would do anything to get her back but I am not sure if being friends would work. I don't want her out of my life but the way I want her in my life is different than the way she want me in her life. Is being friends a way to get her back or will it set myself for more heartache?

Why try to figure out someone else?

You have enough with trying to figure out your own self. Love is not trying to possess. No one is a possession. If you feel this way, then you are projecting out your insecurities. Work on who you are. Nobody is going to do that for you... no one.

It's letting go and knowing that the person you shared time with is deserving of her own decisions and actions. Have a place in your heart for her and move on with someone who might give you more of what you are seeking in a relationship.

Should you be friends with her? Well I can't really answer that question, no one here can. I have one ex that I went out with for 3 years and we are almost best friends. But then I have another that I can't stand to be around. It all depends on the situation. I do however think you need to take time for you before you try this friendship thing. Give yourself time to heal. That isn't weak, it's smart. You need to build that strength up. Here are a few things to think about... being friends with her means seeing her with other guys, even talking to her about them. It means you are accepting that you all are JUST friends. I personally don't think it sounds like you are ready to do that. Give it time hon. Go out with your friends, the ones that have been there for you. Don't put yourself through the heartache right now. Wounds take time to heal... don't pour salt in it. Good luck and I wish you the best. Don't settle for less than you deserve and be true to yourself. You are the only one who can truly look out for your best interest. Drop me a line sometime if you ever want to talk, and again... good luck. I know it's hard but remember "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger".

<3 Leslie

Mik2007, It all depends on you. Right now it seems you can't handle it. It still hurts. You should tell her you need time to yourself for a while and you'll contact her and that you look forward to a time when you can be friends. Otherwise, believe me, you're setting yourself up to be tortured very slowly. Now Crushedoverandover, listen it's only been 4.5 months. You say you "regret it to this day" but not much time has passed. Just give yourself time to heal and then attempt. You sound like you failed but it is not abnormal for it to go that long. Relax time heals everything and if in fact you do have a child together you will be forced to see her eventually anyway, and then that's when you can attempt to be friendly. Don't be so hard on yourself.

It has been over 3 months since my ex broke up with me and lately it has been really depressing me. I stayed really good friends with her sister who doesn't respect her sisters decision at all. My ex after the first month is already with a new guy who doesn't live in the same city and she thinks its stupid and won't last. I went to coffee with a friend 2 weeks ago but I told my ex's sister that it was a "date" just to see if I would get a reaction out of my ex. The day after I told her this I got a text message from my ex asking me how I have been so right there I know she told her this. I never responded for a week and went on my "date". The following Thursday I was dumb and sent my ex an email asking how she has been. That night, I got a phone call from her out of nowhere and we talked for a good 20 minutes. She asked me how I was, how her sister talks about me and she has to ask her how I am doing all the time and how her family misses me. She then out of nowhere asked me about my "date" and asked if I liked her. I told her that I didn't have connection with her and that it was hard to be on it. She then said that she really wants us to be friends again and that she misses talking to me but doesn't know if that's what I want. She said she will do anything I need her to do to make this easier on me. I told her that I do want to talk with her but its just really hard to talk like we used to and that I don't know what I want. I don't know if she is just puttiing it on me to make a decision so she doesn't have to or does she actually care about me and what I want.

The next week I bumped into her at the same bar with her sister and right when she got in and saw me she came over and said hi with a big smile on her face. We talked for a bit but it was just small chit chat. She said that this is really awkward and I said yeah it is.. then she said well lets try and not make it awkward. We talked for a bit and then all night I tried to ignore her every time I saw her. Then she left with some friends and I never saw her again that night. To me I felt she didn't put much effort into our meeting seeing as she wants to be friends so badly. So I am confused, everyone tells me that it seems like she is just trying to feed her ego by asking about my date and how it went so she can find out if I still love her. Her sister at the bar asked me if I still love her and I said yes but its awkward to see her. And for her wanting to be friends after being together for 6 years and then breaking up, they think she wants me to be friends again so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did anymore and she will know that I am over her... which I am not. Do you all think this could be the case? Please any insight or help would be appreciated!

She may want to be friends, but not have a exclusive relationship, and contact has caused confusion, as talking to her sister was a very bad idea. Its been 3 months, and you still have not healed enough to see things in there proper perspective. Keep the sister out of your business, and move on with your life, without her as a girlfriend. Friends?? Sorry your not ready for that.

I believe that I am not ready to be friends with her at this point. I want to talk to her and keep contact but when I do it makes me feel a little more worse inside, but when I don't talk to her and don't think of her anymore I feel just as worse because she is not in my life. It just seems like she is playing the "game" as so many ex's play. Like I don't know how she can think that we can be friends if she knows how much I am hurting over this.. but that's why I am wondering if she is just trying to find out if I still like her still and wanting to know if she is still in control. Cause when I went on the "date" she called me and asked me about it which could be an example of her wanting to know if I still care about her.

Stop contacting her, and build your life around the things you enjoy, and the hurt and confusion will gradually be replaced by healthy awareness that this relationship is over, and its time to move on. NO CONTACT will allow that to happen, but doesn't mean being rude or hiding out, only not getting in deep drawn out situations that will hurt, and confuse you. You can say hi and move on about your business, as opposed to making time to talk about each other, or being put in a position that stays with you. This also applies to the sister, who may have good intentions, but stirs those old feelings around in your head. Its your time to leave all of that in the past, so you can have a healthy future.

Tough times:(

What I don't like is her getting into a relationship 1 month after your break. I know its her choice, but it seems wrong to jump right back in. The meeting at the bar was unusual, in that she left you with friends and disappeared. It may be that she used the new guy to get over you quickly, and now she is at a point where she would like to be your friend because she does not want to just slam the door.

I think that guys or girls who meet someone right after a relationship distract themselves from what hurtful feeling they may have, the other person is left to sit and wonder what went wrong. I know it sucks but I do think any contact with her will only send you further down at this point.

Thanks for the great advice talaniman and BMI. I do think that the guy is pretty much a rebound and she is with him so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. She does ask about me and wants to get together every chance we get but I do know that no contact is a smart thing. I guess I am just missing the things that we used to share as do many people do when they break up. I miss her a lot and I guess knowing she is with someone new right away really hurts and I feel that if is don't speak to her than she drifts away all together and I might not ever have a chance again.

Again, I know it must hurt to find out about the guy, which sucks. I truly wish people would consider others feelings more when they make decisions that may affect others in a negative way. Again, its her life and its not necissarily wrong to date afterward, but so soon? It reeks of rebound and leaves you picking up the pieces. Take comfort in the fact that you wouldn't do that to someone you care about and that it is you who will be better equipped to face future relationships than she ever will. I doubt this girl deserves you or your thoughts of her.

I agree that its her life and she can make her own decisions but the fact that she is with a new guy so fast after the breakup makes me feel that she just spit on what we had. And every time she does something that hurts me she will say she is sorry and then say that she is confused on how to handle all of this and how to handle the breakup. Its obvious that she doesn't feel the same way about me but when something happens like me going on the date I out of nowhere get a phone call from her. I just find this strange cause if she doesn't have any of the same feelings then why does she ask me about my date or what I have been up to lately or tell me that her family misses me and that she always has to ask her sister how I am doing? I don't know if its still a game that she is playing or just being curious

Y'know dude, it sounds as if you want to be missed more than anything. It's a quite complicated thing, we don't necissarily need the girl back OR, in some cases want the girl back, but we always want to know we mean something to someone. I'll wager that if you knew this girl missed you you'd be less concerned about whom she is with.

I have a similar situation going on, I'm not sure I even want this girl, I'm even sure that it probably won't go anywhere, but I want to find out if I still matter to her, if I get that answer I can move past it y'know.

I brought this up because of how you speak of what this and that means, you have all the information you need to know to make a decision, what you don't know is whether she misses you and you can lose your mind chasing that answer my friend.

I think we see why the two of you can't make it together. You look to deep, and she doesn't look at all.

Well of coarse I want to be missed by her. Who doesn't want to be missed but the girl or guy that breaks your heart. I was with my ex for 5 1/2 years and the fact that she is with someone so fast really gets to me. There is no telling how she is feeling because I will never know but I she is always keeping tabs on me and asking about other girls and what I have been up by asking her sis. I know I think too much into it but of coarse I would want her to miss me otherwise I wouldn't be asking for advice or opinions

My opinion, your not be patient with yourself, or your healing process. Focus more on you, and organising your life without her, and less on what you expect her to do. I suspect her small talk will be as good as it gets. Until you accept this about her and realise you have no control over her actions, you will drive yourself to an unhealthy obsession. It takes time and work on your part.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by mik2007

Well of coarse i want to be missed by her. who doesnt want to be missed but the girl or guy that breaks your heart. I was with my ex for 5 1/2 years and the fact that she is with someone so fast really gets to me. there is no telling how she is feeling because i will never know but i she is always keeping tabs on me and asking about other girls and what i have been up by asking her sis. I know i think too much into it but of coarse i would want her to miss me otherwise i wouldnt be asking for advice or opinions

---

You know, there is a member here, Chuff, he once told me that women, at times, leave you emotionally way before they leave you physically. I found that profound and quite frankly a realization that sometimes we hold on longer than we should just because the unknown can be scary. She will ask of you for a while, a 5.5 year relationship is a good length. She more than likely misses you and will keep tabs for some time. That is not what is relevant though. She has decided to move on. Even if she still has some feelings for you she has decided not to act on them. I think we all in a sense want our ex's to miss us even if we are the dumper. With time these feelings will subside on both sides. Good luck.

Well along with feeling the void of her not being there anymore in my life, the thought of her being out of my life completely bothers me just as much. I know that cutting all contact and filling the void is the universal way of getting through this but I guess the more I don't think of her.. the more I hurt just the same. I do want to talk and hear from her but its pretty much when I talk to her I feel like crap and when I can't talk to her I feel just as bad. She was and still is an important part of my life and I guess I can't get those feelings out of my head.

Welcome to the crappy world of breaking up my man.

Talking to her makes you feel like crap cause she's gone and you can't have her, makes you miss what you had. Not talking to her makes you feel like crap for the same reasons, the difference being that you miss what you had but you are NOT putting any more logs on the fire. In the long run it will be the best thing you've done.

Breaking up sucks and we think we are not strong enough to get through it. I can look back at all kinds of times in my life where I thought the hurt would never stop, but I'm here and its gone. You never really know how strong you are until you look into yourself and be proud of all the things you never thought you were strong enough to do. I always marvel at someone losing a loved one(death), I can't imagine how they deal with it and I figured I could never be that strong, but looking back everyone gets through it.

I know telling you eventually this will pass is not what you want to hear, but its reality. Start now lest you carry this around for longer than you ever should have. After all ,we are our own worst enemies, no matter how much you think it's the girl and her new man.