Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Matteus

Chuff Chuff.... man, it seems to me like you hate the whole world. take it easy bro. why do people need the wrong side of a superanalyze? They hear that, and they believe chuff is all right. Chuff is the god. Ok, she was what she was. he is what he is. but in the end. i dont understand one point, in every post you made. you never try to judge the "victim". He is a victim of himself. He awaits from the relation to bring him joy, happiness, loyalty, honesty, or whatever, and he gives everything. common, we all are different people, arent we ? we can't change people, but we can be adapted. Right? the question in here is, she is a girl who she is, and she isnt a whore or something like that. she sees things in her way. he was not a challenge anymore for her, he was open in every damn point, and he was expecting her to be open in everypoint. he can't deal with that, and he accussed her of cheating??? even if she was cheating. nobody wakes up in the morning saying im going to cheat on my boyfriend today!!! there is absolutely a reason. the reason is him. he should take responsability of his own behaviour. Relations need challenge, relations need male and female. and he was a "female" male, with his behaviour, or as i like to call, a wuss. He didnt gave her what she wanted. CHALLENGE< AFFECTION< ATTRACTIVENESS< FLIRT... THIS IS PART OF THE WORK IN A RELATION! You want to have the dog in your house? Than give him eat, otherwise he will go and eat somewhere else! Instead he gave her the wrong meat - his heart...??? ONCE YOU GIVE THE HEART, YOU GIVE EVERYTHING! AND THERE IS NO MORE ATTRACTION! HE WAS NOT A MAN IN THIS GAME! THE WHOLE PART OF A WOMAN IN THIS GAME IS TO WIN HIS HEART. THAT WAS THE CHALLENGE. SHE WON THAT, AND NOW. BYE BYE. Why the heck she didnt cheated on him the first year ???? Because there was challenge, affection, attractiveness, flirt. Right? once she had everything, it was gone, she didnt felt like that anymore. And people can't control their feelings! People can't say im going to feel for this guy. or the opposite. Im not saying she is an angel. Im just judging HIM! I tell you something, that i think it happened! He said her time after time "i love you", "i love you"... Why? Just to have her approval and to control her thoughts. And on the other side, she knew he loves her, and she took him for granted. SO HERE WAS NO CHALLENGE IN THE GAME, FOR THE GIRL TO STAY! HE forgot the rules man, and its his fault!!! He thought ok, we have the relation now, and we do not need anymore challenge, or flirts, or whatever, so im going to be completely open. Take an example. You see a movie. Its awesome... its more awesome because you dont know how is going to end. If you could see the end since the beginning, that movie is no more longer attractive. Do you get my point ?

---

My response,

I think Chuff made some great points. He wasn't right about everything but then again who is. I was a victim of myself, but I think being with her it only perpetuated my negativity, she was the wrong person at the wrong time. I wouldn't say I was completely open in every way. After that trip she did basically beg me to stay with her and she hurried the move in with fear she would lose me. I think the challenge died down after that when I became paranoid due to her past and the "cheating" situation on that trip. Please understand, you're obvious statements are clear to me now that I'm thinking objectively but hindsight is 20;20 right? Nobody wakes up in the morning to say I'm going to cheat on someone but is it less wrong when they do it anyway? I would think cheating is cheating regardless of whether it was premeditated or not. It destroys trust. I would say she is the type of girl to sabotage relationships by doing what she did on that trip. It wasn't the first time she had done it to someone, i.e. her ex boyfriend. She has abandonment issues which my therapist highlighted. While I agree now 6 months later that I cannot change anyone back then I didn't know any better and I was blinded by love. So reassuring me that I can't change people or manipulate them in the present time is a moot point you don't need to make to me. I think somewhere in my responses I even stated how I realized that was a mistake which makes it seem like you didn't read the whole post. She was actually the one that said I love you first. After the "emotional cheating" incident I stopped saying it for a while and she again initiated it. I don't think I was a female male in that aspect, but I was feminine when we moved in together and I became paranoid and clingy. Again I've admitted that was a mistake, and again hindsight is 20:20 and again you may have missed that response within this post. While I believe your simplistic explanation of maintaining the fire brewing within a relationships is mostly accurate, I think the complexities of my situation distorted that approach considering the actions on both our sides. I think Chuff was right when he said that she left me emotionally way before she did physically. You should really use past tense a bit more. When you said "he can't deal with that, and he accussed her of cheating???", you should have said couldn't deal with that, you know, the past tense form of the sentence. Again I have already admitted this was a mistake. It seems like the timeline you have envisioned for my situation is slightly skewed from your point of view. I initially instructed you should look up my post because I think you could have seen the similarities between our situations. This was much longer ago for me than it was you, and I, like YOU, was also paranoid. I thought it would help you by seeing what MISTAKES I made as well. Clearly you missed that point. Cheers.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ash123

Enigmagnetic,

you are the perfect candidate for professional counseling. your solipsistic existence is only broken by your fixation on your paramour of the past.

it is not real. you strike me as someone who has not had a lot of experience with women and are now hanging all your hopes on one. until she asks for more, you must let this go....look at my post many days ago. nothing has happened differently.

furthermore, your insecurities fuel a need for control. and when this relationship - or the hint of a relationship lingers just out of your grasp and out of control - you spin wildly.

you must FORCE yourself to move on....NOT JUST SAY IT. But do it. NOT JUST AGREE FOR A DAY....But for 6-8 months.

The world is not the place you can mold. And your "bit of alcoholism" again is another roundabout way of saying....you were a total wreck - and are becoming one again. Let your feelings get worked out.

Get help man. We all need it one day. Now is your time....

Go travel or meet someone new...FORCE yourself OUT of your comfort zone - and onto a date or adventure with new friends or you will be stuck - for life.

---

Smoothy, Mateus, and of course Ash,

First of all, I quit drinking and have not drank for 5 months now, so I don't think it's possible for them to become an alcoholic again when I'm not drinking. I'll be realistic, I don't think even with the number of relationships I've had I can say that I have enough experience with women. You should read my response to Mateus, your assertions are similar to his. I've had help, and I have done quite well for myself actually. I had a slight hiccup when she emailed me but I have that under control now. I'm not going crazy anymore. The only reason this post resurfaced is because I directed Mateus to it to see the mistakes I made and to see the parallels between his situation, which he clearly missed. Again please read my response to Mateus as I don't want to retype everything.
While I agree that I was a good candidate for help, I don't think I'm reaching insanity to the point where you could describe me as the "perfect" candidate for therapy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Matteus

Absolutely true! Enigmatic, you are your own victim. Girls need a MAN, not victims! I mean, no one needs victims. If she asks you about your life, tell her you are going to have some consult about yourself and your fears about life! You get my point? You put the ball on her hand, you "manipulate" her opinion on you by telling her that you are going to change, and not because of her, but because of yourself, and the third point, you tell her that the door will remain open! And than you MOVE ON with your life, and i really suggest you make a consult about relationships, about such behaviours, insecurities, fears, everything, and be a better man!!!! IMPORTANT< BE A MAN! At this point, she will know that if she wants to come back, she will find someone completely new, somehow perfect. I mean, you have your bad side and your good side and she already knows them. Now you are going to repair your bad side, which is your fears and insecuritys, your co-dependency, and all the rest. BUT DO NOT GO AFTER HER, AND TELL HER THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE A BETTER MAN BECAUSE OF HER!!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE A BETTER MAN BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTOOD YOURSELF! SO, JUST TELL HER THIS, AND DISSAPEAR! LET HER COME AFTER YOU IF SHE WANTS. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE HER PATH BY KEEPING IN CONTACT WITH HER, OR EVEN FLIRTING WITH HER, OR WHATEVER.

---

Matteus,

I do hope you are following your own advice. Being a man is the only alternative I've had. I never told her I changed for her. I told her how great I was doing but I would NEVER give her that satisfaction. I think I'm eliminating my negative characteristics, but that is endless thing really. There is no perfection, but I am trying to be the best I can be. If in fact I was as co-dependent as you describe me I would have begged her to stay, I would have let us get back together when she initially came back to me 4 months ago and when she contacted me recently I would have asked her out, which I have clearly not done. I initially wrote this post to figure out whether I should attempt to be friends with her or maybe more. I was weakened slightly by her email to me. But I think we can agree that is perfectly human. I came on here and I got the strength which I drew upon to realize trying to rekindle something at this point- considering her callous emails which I think you seemed to miss the importance of that - would be utterly destructive. I still hope some day we can be friends, as we were initially. I think in fact I did very well by cutting her off for as long as I did, I mean I avoided her like the plague after the breakup. I never went back and have yet to ask for her back, even right after we broke up. So I hope you can understand your opinion is confounding, but I appreciate it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Matteus

I know i will have the same status as Homegirl50, but i hope you got my point. Ok, your insecurity was cultivated in the long run... i understand... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU? I really dont understand? Are we talking about a man or a woman? A MAN SHOULDNT BE INSECURE, NEVER EVER! HE SHOULD BE DECISIVE. IF THE GIRL WANTS TO GET OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WAY, LET HER GET OUT, IMMEDIATELY! OR BETTER, PUSH HER AWAY OF THE RELATION. LOOK AT HER REACTION THEN... SHE WILL THINK SHE IS NOT WORTH OF YOU, AND YOU STILL REMAIN THE CATCH! THIS WAY YOU TELL HER YOU ARE A MAN AND GIRLS GO AFTER HIM, I MEAN YOU ARE THE CATCH AND NOT THE CATCHER, OR SOME DOG ON THE STREET WHO GOES AFTER HER, AND EVEN TRIES TO CHANGE HER WAY. No you putted some slush over her opinion about you, and you have to "wash" that by trying to change yourself! ITS ALL ABOUT YOU!

---

I will refer to the previous email for this response. Furthermore, there is no need really to use the caps lock as much as you do. I think I can understand you are very passionate when it comes to your opinion. I think within reason, you are merely trying to knock some sense into what you perceive is my fragmented psyche. Yet, fortunately it is not needed. I really don't think I have to defend my manhood. I've had quite a bit of strength. I think it took a lot out of me not to go after her. Not to beg for her. I cut her off completely and utterly. She called me repeatedly after we broke up, to the point where I had to turn off my phone for a couple of days. I mean I just completely cut her off. It wasn't until she showed up at my doorstep a while later saying that she could never replace me. I told her it was as it must be and that she was brave to break it off. Then there is more to it; after a week later she did some really questionable things that I rather not mention to strike back at me, because I think that rejection hurt her deeply. You see it wasn't merely she broke up with me and she wouldn't see me or want me. It was she broke up with me, and I upheld it even though she came back. That was the reality of it. I made her stick with her decision, even to this day. She emailed me telling me she was single. She has probably dated and hasn't had luck yet, so she emails me to feel good about herself. That's my analysis of the present. I have yet to run back and I have maintained my strength. Read my post fully and see that I eventually came to understand I cannot be with her. Friendship would be nice but I think that's unlikely sadly. I think it's my fault for not going over everything that has happened for the confusion. I appreciate your responses very much and don't think I'm trying to rebuff you guys but the situation must be clear because I have given a lot of advice here and I don't want others who I've helped and have thanked me to think I'm insane, like Ash implies, :) or still undergoing chaos. I don't want to let them down.

I might add, I have also dated within the last month. Just casually, as I should have done in the past. Go dancing or to watch a movie, dinner and other things. But I haven't thrown myself in because I understand I'm still growing. That and my career is crazy hectic, so I can't give myself, or should I say I'm not willing to give myself, full on to the girls I date. I haven't had an issue yet and who knows maybe I'll find the right one for me down the line. Thanks Chuff for understanding. I have grown, I started thinking about it. When I initially posted it was like the day after I got a message from her. I just think they misunderstood the situation and how it has evolved. Furthermore, learning from that I've been able to give advice effectively. Nothing like actually going through difficulty to deepen ones wisdom.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Matteus

wowowow, what is here.... and you are supposed to be a girl? dont you understand? she doesnt want him out of her life (like my ex didnt), and he doesnt want her out of her life. He just need a little push on the right track. And if you think, the right track is just stop the contact, im sorry girl, you are a big loser, just because you dont even try to win! you just see black and white... and this disappoints me. What i say he needs, he needs to change her opinion, even by "manipulating" that opinion. The girl was stuck with his behaviour, that's all. She was bored of such "male-female" behaviour. A man is someone SECURE, ATTRACTIVE, A CHALLENGE FOR THE GIRL! He was not, and he lost his attractiveness because of his insecurities, and a couple of other things. He is his own fault. HE NEED TO CHANGE!

---

I am neither a girl or a loser. I'm 54 year old woman who does not believe in playing games. This is all quite juvenile going through all these changes for someone who does not want you, for whatever reason. If someone says they don't want to be with you , leave them alone, if they keep calling and it bothers you, don't respond, if you do, it's on you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Smoothy, Mateus, and of course Ash,

First of all, I quit drinking and have not drank for 5 months now, so I don't think it's possible for em to become an alcoholic again when I'm not drinking. I'll be realistic, I don't think even with the number of relationships I've had I can say that I have enough experience with women. You should read my response to Mateus, your assertions are similar to his. I've had help, and I have done quite well for myself actually. I had a slight hiccup when she emailed me but I have that under control now. I'm not going crazy anymore. The only reason this post resurfaced is because I directed Mateus to it to see the mistakes I made and to see the parallels between his situation, which he clearly missed. Again please read my response to Mateus as I don't want to retype everything.
While I agree that I was a good candidate for help, I don't think I'm reaching insanity to the point where you could describe me as the "perfect" candidate for therapy.

---

Well, maybe my english lost the sense in some points of my explanation, like "he can't deal with that", it meant "he couldnt deal with that". Anyway.
Second. I got the paralels between our situations. But you are missing something in my post. I was talking about the paralels between our mistakes. Not our ex's. Im not saying the girl was an angel, but the girl has nothing to do with your mistakes. She was a punctured bag of virtues and morality, like mine. And like mine, she had this abandonment issues, that is going to ruin every relation of her, but that's not my problem. I'm talking about the problems we guys have, or had. Codependency, insecurity, controlling, manipulative, jealous, etc. In someway, we both have to thank our ex's because they "discovered" our problems. And if those problems aren't fixed, the girl could be an angel, and really love you, but when you are clingy, dependent, etc, she just will leave you because you are being boring and . You get it now ? In your and my situation, we could have had a different position, if we were real man, and save much drama in our life. Just because of this. The moment the girl begins to show some red flags in the relation and "tries" to make you insecure, than, be the man, and lead her out of the relation. And cheers :) without capslock :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I am neither a girl or a loser. I'm 54 year old woman who does not believe in playing games. This is all quite juvenile going through all these changes for someone who does not want you, for whatever reason. If someone says they don't want to be with you , leave them alone, if they keep calling and it bothers you, don't respond, if you do, it's on you.

---

And why would a girl, who cheated on me, who in the same moment, after I broke up with her, acussed me of spying on her, and for being a controlling type, suddenly has the nerves to play games with me? Ok she accused me for reducing her own guilt, but if she isn't interested, than even if I have a bad opinion about her, wouldn't be so interesting to her and she shouldn't care about what the hell I think about her. And suddenly even tells me that she wants to be friends with me? After such a hate and 2 months without speaking, and my efforts to bring her to the table for the last time, to speak with her, because I had the right in the end to know where I "failed" and drink at least a last coffe like civic, and her telling me that I dissapointed her so much that she can't even talk to me anymore, suddenly wants to remain friends? And now she speaks to me when she is online, now and than? Even tells me that there was a middle time which was great and real, and she doesn't want to forget it and wants us to remain friends, after I said that its not good for both of us to have a contact anymore? Maybe you are a woman who knows things better than me, I'm not going to deny it, but it seems like we have different opinion about this, or my mind just want to see the colors in a black paper.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Matteus,

I do hope you are following your own advice. Being a man is the only alternative I've had. I never told her I changed for her. I told her how great I was doing but I would NEVER give her that satisfaction. I think I'm eliminating my negative characteristics, but that is endless thing really. There is no perfection, but I am trying to be the best I can be. If in fact i was as co-dependent as you describe me I would have begged her to stay, I would have let us get back together when she initially came back to me 4 months ago and when she contacted me recently I would have asked her out, which I have clearly not done. I initially wrote this post to figure out whether I should attempt to be friends with her or maybe more. I was weakened slightly by her email to me. But I think we can agree that is perfectly human. I came on here and I got the strength which I drew upon to realize trying to rekindle something at this point- considering her callous emails which I think you seemed to miss the importance of that - would be utterly destructive. I still hope some day we can be friends, as we were initially. I think in fact I did very well by cutting her off for as long as I did, I mean I avoided her like the plague after the breakup. I never went back and have yet to ask for her back, even right after we broke up. So I hope you can understand your opinion is confounding, but I appreciate it.

---

Maybe I was giving an advice to the wrong man on the wrong time :) I didn't saw when the post was posted. Anyway. Yes, the advice I gave, I'm already making it by myself. And yes, I got success. I didn't get her back, as I didn't wanted to get her back. I told you, I do things for myself, for my improvements. If I said to let her know that the door still remains open, well, here we have different level of forgiveness maybe. Well, yes, I came to the point of forgiving her, and not yesterday, but 3-4 months ago. Why? I don't know. Don't ask me. Maybe because of her I came to the point that I have these issues like you. Or maybe I'm someone completely idiot, or totally altruist, and believes even the devil. I don't care. I don't hate her. I was and I'm still focused on myself. And as long as there were problems with me, I don't have the right to hate her, or something like that. Cheating is definitely the biggest problem in a relation. But what about jealosy, insecurity, codependency, possessivenes, manipulative and controlling behaviour? It would be much easier to say myself that I don't have any of this problems, I'm the best, and than hate her as much as I could.

I've found that while you may feel you wish to be friends in reality her being there will dredge up old thoughts and feelings about her and this will cause much stress to you. I'm not saying its not possible to be friends after the history you have had with her. What I am saying is that very few people could really pull it off without baggage from the past causing problems.

I know that I couldn't do it for example. Yeah I've been in the situation of being friends with someone I once had a relationship with, while we didn't break up for reasons you did, it was just life obligations that trumped our relationship at the time and it was one or the other but not both. While I can say I have no ill feelings for her and never did, I have found that the ghosts of the past can be very much alive in the present. As such I have had to avoid her completely for years.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by smoothy

I've found that while you may feel you wish to be friends in reality her being there will dredge up old thoughts and feelings about her and this will cause much stress to you. I'm not saying its not possible to be friends after the history you have had with her. What I am saying is that very few people could really pull it off without baggage from the past causing problems.

I know that I couldn't do it for example. Yeah I've been in the situation of being friends with someone I once had a relationship with, while we didn't break up for reasons you did, it was just life obligations that trumped our relationship at the time and it was one or the other but not both. While I can say I have no ill feelings for her and never did, I have found that the ghosts of the past can be very much alive in the present. As such I have had to avoid her completely for years.

---

Let talk about this "friends" you talk. I believe in something, and I think you all missed that. People can change. As people can change theirs ways, or their thoughts about things and people also. Now, what I'm saying is this. You lost your lover. Because of life obligations, as you say. In your case, where your paths seemed to take different targets, because of life, you are going to lose your lover, your friend too, and the possibility to have another chance in the future, cause maybe the path of your lifes may cross over again. You are telling me that, if the paths will cross again, its not so important if you lost contact with your ex or not. Hmmmm. I wouldn't say that. Lets assume for a moment. After 2-3 years, your paths cross again. You even have forgotten about your ex, and you don't even know this person anymore, I mean about her life, etc. You are going to begin again the whole thing, which is much harder to believe that is worth. Instead, staying "friends", maybe you both could have less obligations in your life, someday, and rethink about the whole thing. Without being friends, you just lost your chance, and maybe that relation was really worth, like mine was (although in somehow I believe it was a rebound). Im not saying that my relation was bad, but the breakup was bad. You get my point? And because of that breakup, I'm going to lose my friend, and maybe in the future (if the lady really understands what I was), another relation with her. I say, although it was a bad breakup, I'm at the point that, everything can be forgoten and forgiven. Im not flying on the sky. Im on the earth. I just believe that I'm worth a second chance as she is. It doesn't depend on me. On me depends only this: "from my part, i let my door open".

We were friends before. I guess you can say we still remain friends. She can deal with being just friends. Our lives didn't go different ways. Her problem was what she had to do to get herself hopelessly out of debt to provide for herself and kids. She did what she felt was the only way to get though that point, I however had a real problem with it on a personal level. And you know how it goes, Blood is thicker than water like they say. No I won't go into details as to what it was out of respect for her privacy which I still assume she wants on this.

Its been a lot of years but I still do have strong feelings for her, so because of that its best I keep my distance. I'm happily married now and my wife does not deserve to be subjected to any of this or the stress I have that might reflect on her. It is after all not fair for her. Besides she's the insanely jealous type (my wife that is).

I've bumped into her at times. And I will openly admit she was without a doubt the closest friend I have ever had. And she has said the same about me.

Yeah some people can deal with this like I said (she is one), but like most people I remember everything about her and we never had a nasty break. It was a simple I have to do this and you have to deal with it. I was the one who had trouble dealing with it.

Now what it was caused me great internal conflict, but it was never anything intended to harm or hurt me. And just in case she happens to be a member here it shall remain a secret.

But I did move on, got married and am quite happy with my wife, which is my priority. Oh I've seen her from time to time, she doesn't live far from me by some twist of fate. Her kids all know me as does her current husband. It just feels incredible awkward for me when I do as we were the sort of friends that literally knew everything about each other (stuff we never told anyone else), there was nothing either of us felt a need to keep from the other. And strangely enough I can't say that about my wife or any other person I have known.

Would I leave me wife for her? No... I won't even consider it. Are feelings still there and strong even after all these years? Yes, and she has said the same. But neither of us will act on them for the obvious reasons. She is just better at dealing with it than I am.

But with that said, would you and her both be able to deal with this in a mature manner? Who knows, but you both would have to be that rare type of person.

It's very coincidental that my topic was reopened due to the current conversation. I just got an email from the ex today. She responded to my blatant inquiry into her intentions. I straight out asked her what it is she wanted and why she had contacted me. I told her I didn't have time to deal with games and that I was busy getting better. She wrote back saying this effectively; "I want to be friends is all. I don't know whether you're comfortable with this but I'd like to be friends and move on." She keeps telling me about her life and how great it is. She also said it was OK if I couldn't deal with it. I have two options. I can be the strong one and tell her that being friends is really not an option. She has yet to take responsibility for any of her actions despite me doing so and her emails are riddled with what seems like slightly self-indulgent blurbs. The second option is to go with it and see what happens. I don't know what would happen if we were to try and be friends. I know I certainly could not dedicate much time to her. I am a very busy guy, I have a ton of responsibilities. I think our situation is at the point where she has more to gain from me being friends with her than I do. I was taken back by the fact that I was slightly upset when she said she wanted to be just friends. I don't know how that would be possible. When we broke up she said she didn't want to end it. She did come back and I did rebuff her. I also didn't really want to end it back then. Now I see my desolation as a career necessity, but I can't help but think that this woman who initially was my really good friend, could be that again. I'm pondering.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by smoothy

But with that said, would you and her both be able to deal with this in a mature manner? Who knows, but you both would have to be that rare type of person.

---

I had two options about this ex of mine. Be strong, tell her, I don't want her as a friend, and without offending her for what she did, just go on "no contact", and this way loose my lover, and my friend too. Well, I have to say. I kept thinking and thinking about that. Maybe I was vulnerable at that time, for taking the No Contact way, but even today, after 7 months of break up, I am here, and I consider her a friend of mine. Yes, I admit, I have strong feelings for her, and every time we speak, its like my heart wants to explode, I mean, I got so emotions inside, but she told me she wants me to be friends, and I'm wanted to respect that decision of her and er respecting it. It was better for me to accept this new status, better friends than nothing (I admit she has been really a good time in my life and more than just a lover, and as a person I really have respect, admiration and sympathy toward her). Why? Because I can deal with that, and let the feelings die slowly. At least, after 10 years, I will not say to myself "why didnt wanted I to be a friend of her". Deep inside me, there was always this wish of mine, giving ourselves a new chance some day, but I'm not going to think about it for now, or take any hopes on it. Yeah, I may sound weird, or as you say, a rare person for accepting it (let alone the feelings), I don't know, but in this case, when you say someone I want to be a friend of yours, and he doesn't respect it, but keeps thinking about his own feelings, for me, he is an egoistic person, who can't deal with this new status, nothing more. Its not an opinion toward you, its how I see it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Matteus

I had two options about this ex of mine. Be strong, tell her, i dont want her as a friend, and without offending her for what she did, just go on "no contact", and this way loose my lover, and my friend too. Well, i have to say. I kept thinking and thinking about that. Maybe i was vulnerable at that time, for taking the No Contact way, but even today, after 7 months of break up, i am here, and i consider her a friend of mine. Yes, i admit, i have strong feelings for her, and every time we speak, its like my heart wants to explode, i mean, i got so emotions inside, but she told me she wants me to be friends, and im wanted to respect that decision of her and er respecting it. It was better for me to accept this new status, better friends than nothing (i admit she has been really a good time in my life and more than just a lover, and as a person i really have respect, admiration and sympathy toward her). Why? because i can deal with that, and let the feelings die slowly. At least, after 10 years, i will not say to my self "why didnt wanted I to be a friend of her". Deep inside me, there was always this wish of mine, giving ourselfs a new chance some day, but im not going to think about it for now, or take any hopes on it. Yeah, i may sound weird, or as you say, a rare person for accepting it (let alone the feelings), i dont know, but in this case, when you say someone i want to be a friend of yours, and he doesnt respect it, but keeps thinking about his own feelings, for me, he is an egoistic person, who can't deal with this new status, nothing more. Its not an opinion toward you, its how i see it.

---

You are taking the romantic's view of it. You have to ask yourself, much like I am asking myself now, does accepting her proposal to be friends mean that you are giving into her? Women don't want weak men. If one gives into their ex's desire to be friends, while that keeps the idea open that we might someday actually become friends or more, it also means we are doing what she wants. Think about it, in all reality she wants you to be friends with her because she misses you or has an inability to accept someone disliking her. Once she (and this also applies to my situation) says it is over that's a final heartbreaking decision she made. She lost you, so then does she get the privilege of having your presence around? It's a delicate situation. Because alternatively, if you do try and become friends, maybe that is what you were meant to be in the first place. You could also be missing out on a lot. Then again, keeping contact really only slows down our healing and may even prevent us from finding someone else who may be better for us because we hold on to the past and it clouds are present and future. Brain is hurting right now, must rest. ARGH

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

It's very coincidental that my topic was reopened due to the current conversation. I just got an email from the ex today. She responded to my blatant inquiry into her intentions. I straight out asked her what it is she wanted and why she had contacted me. I told her I didn't have time to deal with games and that I was busy getting better. She wrote back saying this effectively; "I want to be friends is all. I don't know whether you're comfortable with this but I'd like to be friends and move on." She keeps telling me about her life and how great it is. She also said it was ok if I couldn't deal with it. I have two options. I can be the strong one and tell her that being friends is really not an option. She has yet to take responsibility for any of her actions despite me doing so and her emails are riddled with what seems like slightly self-indulgent blurbs. The second option is to go with it and see what happens. I don't know what would happen if we were to try and be friends. I know I certainly could not dedicate much time to her. I am a very busy guy, I have a ton of responsibilities. I think our situation is at the point where she has more to gain from me being friends with her than I do. I was taken back by the fact that I was slightly upset when she said she wanted to be just friends. I don't know how that would be possible. When we broke up she said she didn't want to end it. She did come back and I did rebuff her. I also didn't really want to end it back then. Now I see my desolation as a career necessity, but I can't help but think that this woman who initially was my really good friend, could be that again. I'm pondering.

---

I don't know, but if you consider yourself strong enough now, in the meaning to forget the past, in your position, I wouldn't destroy that friendship. I wouldn't hope or wait what the future may bring, but live the moment for now.

I talk to my ex every so often, it seems sad to block someone out of your life who you spent so much time with. But also their must be a balance. For instance, my boyfriend now, would probably feel uncomfortable if I were emailing my ex every 5 days. And once you meet someone new, they might not appreciate as much contact either. Exs are Exs for a reason, take what you learned and move forward. That's the best thing to do. Always look out for #1 (thats you) because no one else will. My girlfriends have helped me through more breakups than I can count, good friends are imperative.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by princess4u2nv

I talk to my ex every so often, it seems sad to block someone out of your life who you spent so much time with. But also their must be a balance. For instance, my boyfriend now, would probably feel uncomfortable if I were emailing my ex every 5 days. And once you meet someone new, they might not appreciate as much contact either. Exs are Exs for a reason, take what you learned and move forward. Thats the best thing to do. Always look out for #1 (thats you) because no one else will. My girlfriends have helped me thru more breakups than I can count, good friends are imperative.

---

Yes, but who initiated the contact and why? She's emailing me weekly and sending pics and is awfully chatty about her life and it's all unprompted by me. You're not doing that and you also have a boyfriend. Why do you think it sad that he would be out of your life, is it solely because you spent so much time with him? Is it because it's a shame to let all that time you spent go to waste? Seemingly you're not close friends with him. Why keep the door open? I'm not trying to be rude I'm genuinely curious.

I think this friendship thing is a crutch. She just does not want to say "it's over" but it is, and it's her way of letting you both down easy.
You can say, OK lets be friends, but I think that will die out. In the end you have to do what is gong to be best for you. She called for the break. It is not up to you to make her feel comfortable, but to help you get better. Do what is going to work for you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think this friendship thing is a crutch. She just does not want to say "it's over" but it is, and it's her way of letting you both down easy.
You can say, OK lets be friends, but I think that will die out. In the end you have to do what is gong to be best for you. She called for the break. It is not up to you to make her feel comfortable, but to help you get better. Do what is going to work for you.

---

Homegirl it's been 6 months. I haven't seen her and I hadn't heard from her in 5 months. We both have already said it's over. It's a given she doesn't have to let us down easy because we let each other down the hard way. I remember she had said it's over straight up with no compassion. And then I had said, look we can't live with each other. Why come back 6 months later and say "I just want to be friends"? I will tell you what my suspicions are. I think she is having difficulty finding a guy who can reach her intellectually. She's a bright girl. A little on the crazy side, but bright nonetheless. She can get any guy she wants, but I think the guys she is getting are probably not stimulating her, so she comes to me for that now. She doesn't want a physical or romantic relationship, but through friendship she wants me to be the intellectual stimulant. That in a sense is like a crutch. What is driving me bananas is the potentiality of being incorrect. What if in fact she has moved on but had valued me as a person in her life who was influential, and wants to try and actually have a friendship? I will agree with you that there is a better chance of it dying down. Because I have to face that whatever her intentions are if she, or I, find a person that blows our minds away we would let go to a certain extent. :o I think I effed up her ability to buy into mens bs lines and tactics. All through our relationship I taught her (to my own detriment) the different bull tactics men employ in order to get into women's pants. The question that I have for her is "what does she get out of this?". That's really what I'm pondering asking her or looking to be answered. Don't worry homegirl, what you are doing is breaking the bullsh!t immature dream wandering, illusions that I've held. I'm very skeptical at this point.