Dj His car will break down near your house, he will become ill, he'll have questions that only you can answer about a bill, he'll have to tell you something important about his family/or one of their friends. He'll make sure one of your mutual friends let you know his every move. He will be crafty but he will keep up the contact some how. So if you take him back and end up marrying him, who's to say in a few years he won't get the itch again and be off with someone else. If he can toss 5 years away just like that , I don't think I would trust him.

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Originally Posted by bushg

Dj His car will break down near your house, he will become ill, he'll have questions that only you can answer about a bill, he'll have to tell you something important about his family/or one of their friends. He'll make sure one of your mutual friends let you know his every move. He will be crafty but he will keep up the contact some how. So if you take him back and end up marrying him, who's to say in a few years he won't get the itch agin and be off with someone else. If he can toss 5 years away just like that , I don't think I would trust him.

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bushg, that's the question that I can't get out of my head. WHO'S TO SAY HE WON'T DO IT AGAIN. But then I think what if he learned from this mistake. And who's to say the next guy I give my heart and trust to won't do it too. And the next guy after that. I've learned one thing from all this, I can't trust him anymore or anyone else for that matter

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Originally Posted by DJ1963_

bushg, thats the question that I can't get out of my head. WHO'S TO SAY HE WON'T DO IT AGAIN. But then I think what if he learned from this mistake. And whos to say the next guy I give my heart and trust to won't do it too. And the next guy after that. I've learned one thing from all this, I can't trust him anymore or anyone else for that matter

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Not true and you know it.

As far as all the others... yes there are "players" but also some really good guys that can love you the way you want and need.

Stringer:)

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Originally Posted by Stringer

Not true and you know it.

As far as all the others...yes there are "players" but also some really good guys that can love you the way you want and need.

Stringer:)

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I know that deep down Stringer but my point is he loved me the way I wanted and needed our whole relationship. Then it was just like he started to panic and left. At the time he was trust worthy and then he wasn't, He changed over night.

Dj you know you are right. But I hope that you have learned one thing through all of this is that you can depend on you. You are still breathing, eating and drinking, hopefully smiling (sometimes). You made it this far and if you choose to let him come back or to date anyone else for that matter if something happens to the next relationship, you still have you. You are strong. You do what you need to do in order to be happy.

I'm going to go way out on a limb and say you have known this guy for 5 years, if he has never done anything like this before and you think this wa a one time thing, tell him you would like the both of you to do some couple counseling. It may help both of you. You may discover that things will not work for the two of you, or this was a one time thing and you can get past it.
You know this guy, we don't. I'm looking at this in terms of a 5 year marriage. How old are you guys. I'm assuming your'e not 20 year olds. That would also determine if you should work on this.
But another thing to look at, if this girl is still after him, You may not want to deal with the drama.
All I'm saying is, get over the anger and then re think. Hear what he has to say and then decide if you want to try and save this by counseling or call it quits.

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Originally Posted by DJ1963_

I know that deep down Stringer but my point is he loved me the way I wanted and needed our whole relationship. Then it was just like he started to panic and left. At the time he was trust worthy and then he wasn't, He changed over night.

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Remember something... you can't pick out only certain portions of the past that you want to remember.

What he did, he did DJ. That part is now part of the "past" also. If I was a good guy all my life then (for whatever reason) did something very bad such as intentionally do something that would break your heart. Do you think you should just ignore it? Obviously it might depend on the severity of the "deed", but should I then expect that all would be forgiven and everything will now be as it was before? NO, it won't:) Every action by an adult is accountable, we leave footprints that in essence tell who we really are. Honestly hon like many others I have been through this, nothing is the same again, really; for so many reasons.

Briefly; in my first marriage; she left quite a few times, she would came back, she would left again... (I didn't want my two children to not have a two parent "family"). She would ask me, while crying her eyes out; "what's wrong with me? You are a good husband and father..please help me I REALLY LOVE YOU and find you attractive"... something different each time DJ. Finally I came to my senses... my kids and I do not need this! (I was indeed fortunate , my kids stayed with me.) Believe me I tried, she left 6 times; I let her come back 5 times. Should I have let her come back even 5 times... I was wrong, now I trying to make you see this.

You know you deserve better, you need to be strong. The right one WILL come along and he will appreciate what he has!:)

Stringer

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Originally Posted by Stringer

Remember something.......you can't pick out only certain portions of the past that you want to remember.

What he did, he did DJ. That part is now part of the "past" also. If I was a good guy all my life then (for whatever reason) did something very bad such as intentionally do something that would break your heart. Do you think you should just ignore it? Obviously it might depend on the severity of the "deed", but should I then expect that all would be forgiven and everything will now be as it was before? NO, it won't:) Every action by an adult is accountable, we leave footprints that in essence tell who we really are. Honestly hon like many others I have been through this, nothing is the same again, really; for so many reasons.

Briefly; in my first marriage; she left quite a few times, she would came back, she would left again......(I didn't want my two children to not have a two parent "family"). She would ask me, while crying her eyes out; "what's wrong with me? You are a good husband and father..please help me I REALLY LOVE YOU and find you attractive".....something different each time DJ. Finally I came to my senses....my kids and I do not need this! (I was indeed fortunate , my kids stayed with me.) Believe me I tried, she left 6 times; I let her come back 5 times. Should I have let her come back even 5 times....I was wrong, now I trying to make you see this.

You know you deserve better, you need to be strong. The right one WILL come along and he will appreciate what he has!:)

Stringer

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I honestly do see your point Stringer. And I think I realise that he couldn't possibly love me now. It just hurts so bad that he was close to perfect as a boyfriend for so many yrs then he just leaves. He never ever hurt me the whole 5 years. That's hard to forget too.

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Originally Posted by DJ1963_

I honestly do see your point Stringer. And I think I realise that he couldn't possibly love me now. It just hurts so bad that he was close to perfect as a boyfriend for so many yrs then he just leaves. He never ever hurt me the whole 5 years. Thats hard to forget too.

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I know... it is not easy. But "growth" is something we all need and sometimes it can be painful. You'll come through this, and you will be very proud of yourself. And you will be more prepared for your future.

Stringer

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Originally Posted by DJ1963_

I honestly do see your point Stringer. And I think I realise that he couldn't possibly love me now. It just hurts so bad that he was close to perfect as a boyfriend for so many yrs then he just leaves. He never ever hurt me the whole 5 years. Thats hard to forget too.

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No one is perfect. No one can be that perfect. Everyone has flaws. Some people are good at pretending to be someone else. My brothers first wife seemed perfect actually for 5 years. Out of the blue she began to act really weird towards my brother and everyone they associated with. My brother found out she was having an affair and taking cocaine. My brother asked her why she would throw out 5 years and she basically said that she was tired of pretending to be someone that she wasn't and she blamed my brother for the affair and everything else. She said she was trying to be good enough for him and it was exhausting her.

You sometimes never really know someone DJ. It's a shame, its rotten and its unfair. But sometimes people can pretend for a long, long time.

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Originally Posted by Stringer

I know.......it is not easy. But "growth" is something we all need and sometimes it can be painful. You'll come through this, and you will be very proud of yourself. And you will be more prepared for your future.

Stringer

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Very true, very true. I just have one more question for you Stringer. Are all human beings so predictable that once they betray you they are doomed to repeat it? Or can some never want to hurt you again? Sorry that's 2 questions.

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Originally Posted by DJ1963_

Very true, very true. I just have one more question for you Stringer. Are all human beings so predictable that once they betray you they are doomed to repeat it? Or can some never want to hurt you again? Sorry thats 2 questions.

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I think you realize that yes there are instances where it could possibly turn out fine. But not usually.

If I were you DJ, I would listen to all the advice here but it really comes down to you and what you want to do. If you decide to give it another chance then I would give all you have. But I would be more alert and aware.

If you do and for some reason you try again and it doesn't work then be as prepared as you can to learn another lesson.

I just don't like to see nice people get hurt...

Stringer

If you were my sister I would say he has 2 years of flawless hard work to get you back.

Do the crime, do the time.

I want to make this into a fairytale, but I need to see some actions - not just flowers...
And I don't like him taking up your time... while you see what he has... He needs to step up BIG TIME... maybe a proposal is BIG TIME... But he needs to do it in person.

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I just don't like to see nice people get hurt...

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Niether do I, Maybe a clean fresh start is the answer.

<WHO'S TO SAY HE WON'T DO IT AGAIN. But then I think what if he learned from this mistake. And who's to say the next guy I give my heart and trust to won't do it too. And the next guy after that. I've learned one thing from all this, >

Its very easy for him to want a commitment now that he does not have one.
Keeping that commitment is entirely different.

Unless he gets therapy I don't think he can change just like that.


<I can't trust him anymore or anyone else for that matter>

You can trust yourself and that is all you need.
Get a life you enjoy without any man , new friends, new activities.
Try and look deep in yourself and see why you chose such a younger man, were you afraid of commitment yourself?

Be clear about what you want and the universe will send it your way.

[QUOTE]

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Originally Posted by rol

Try and look deep in yourself and see why you chose such a younger man, were you afraid of commitment yourself?

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I didn't really choose a younger man in the sense, Woo Hoo I got me a younger man. It was a fling that flung for 5 years and somewhere down the line we fell in love. We were both fresh out of relationships and we just liked each others company. But we got really close soon after and became inseparable. So no I didn't go into this looking for a commitment but once we did commit it was a very strong one. Well at least until he bolted out on me.

How old are the both of you? How much younger is he then you. That might explain some things...

<We were both fresh out of relationships and we just liked each others company.>

Well maybe that should be a lesson for this one..
You need to fully heal here or else you will be rebounding right to the same kind of guy again.