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I no howto handle them. Doesn't mean I can control them. I conduct myself in a great manner in front of my little guy. When him and I are together it isall about him. Just because I'm thinking of his mom in my head doesn't mean I'm not providing for him.
Just cautioning you that kids are soon keen on homing in 'feelings' around them. They suck up emotions like a sponge. We adults think that as long as we 'act' right, all is well. But children can see when we are putting on an act and wonder if they are at fault. Why do you think so many psychologists specialized in 'child psychology'? Because we now realize that we cannot 'hide' fundamental emotions, or anything else from them. Just aking you to be aware. If you have to think of her, don't do it 24/7, restrict your thoughts to a limit and let other thoughts take over once in a while.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
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I happens in spurts. Ill be OK and staying strong then I just break.. I really miss her./ And I love her. I know that as soon as I am moved on and not care any more that is when she will come back and I hate that because I know it is true.
We don't know that, and you don't know that.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
The only thing I do know is that if you keep thinking this way and not let go, you will be at a standstill.
If she does come back AFTER YOU LET GO... good. That way you'll have control over yourself and the situation.
If you don't let go and heal, you will not regain your crucially needed self-respect. The only one who will benefit from this scene is her.. not you, not your child.
If you were a woman, or another man, what would you think of yourself in this weakened condition.
Sorry that it sounds like I'm repeating myself here but you need to stand up for yourself, and that does not mean you constantly repeating how much you love her, etc. SHE DOES NOT CARE at this point.
It's time you start caring about yourself a lot more.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_1_137.gifYour are no longer love-sick kid. Those day are over - you are a father now.
That is the mother of your child, and she will always be special. For now, just accept the way things are, and really focus on you. Unlike others who come here after a break up, it is so important that you both work together for this special child you have created. As a man and father, you are the one who must find a way, to not only move on, and have a life that makes you happy without her, but have to be in her life, and that isn't easy but let your child be your incentive to be at your best. She is so innocent. Not fair she bear the burden of the adults. I know that it will not be easy to balance all that out, but you must succeed. You don't have the luxury of walking completely away. You can do this, and you have my support.
Well thanks tali.. I have a little boy not a girl lol but I hear what your saying. I am trying to be the best I can be with my little guy. Im trying to work my off so I can provide things for him as he gets older. Right now things cheap for a 2 yr old preety much. But I'm bustin my to save money for my future along with his. This halloween I am taking him out and he is going to be a fire fighter along with me. Im in training for firefighting. I was thinking of asking his mom "th ex" if she would like to come along. No pressure just going to ask her if she is there if she would like to come along. Is this wrong? I just want my son and his parents to take him trick or treating. I will not mention her and I. Nor will I allow the conversation to get started. If it does start about anything to do with her and I, I will simply say now is not the time to talk about this mabe another time. That is ishe decides to come. Haven't spok to her in basically a month and a half. Really a month since I started the no contact. Month and a half sinc we split. Or should I not even bother asking her to come along? Im trying to be cival and for my son not to miss out on family time..
Ask your son if he wants mom to come along too. If he does, then deal with it. It's OK to let him talk about her, she's his mom, and he will find it difficult to not talk about her sometimes. Play it by ear, and be as casual about it as you can.
We know it's not easy, just try to stay cool.
Good luck.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifBy the way, Halloween is still a month away.. try and focus on a more current calendar...
He is only 2. He doesn't speak all that much. I don't think he would really know the difference if she came. He and I are 25 he is onl two. And I plan on playing it by ear
If he's only 2, then I would not bother asking mom to come along. There are times when toddlers enjoy being with just one parent at a time to be able to bond, and they don't need both all the time. Make the time with him special and keep mom out of it for a while. He will remember the good times with dad.. as well as the good times with mom, grandmother, etc. Here's a chance for you to help him build and keep great memories with dad - and those he'll keep forever.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
Just like in computers.. you're helping him build his database - just make sure it's not with junk.
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Why not enjoy your son by yourself and have a great time. I see no need in her being there for your quaulity time. That's the best way to avoid arguments and any awkward moments.
I have the worst urge to call her and ask her to meet face to face. I gavent spoke to her since the initiale split. I have questions and it bothers me that I have this urge. And partially I'm doing the no contact to try to get her to come back but I fell if I just do nothing then that won't increase my chances of getting her back. And I know I shouldn't be concernd with that but I am. I would love for her to want to work threw our issues. This kills me. I try and deal with this every time I think about it. I get angry and I don't want to be angry. I just want to let go and stop loving her. I just want to be free of this pain and burden. I just don't seem I can let go of her for good , as much as I think of trying I just can't let go . Her and I have way too much history for me to just walk away, And even though she has I just don't feel that I can. HELP ugh
Under certain circumstances the best way to deal with this would be to have no contact in ordet to make the statement that you will not let her walk all over you however the two of you have a child and that child should come first. Both of you have to deal with the fact that one another is going to be around at least until your son turns 18. My advice would be to contact her, show her that you are the bigger person BUT only discuss your son. Don't ask about her day, her new boyfriend, or how she feels about you. Your main concern should be your child and you should make that clear during these discussions. It will be really hard at first but yes history will keep repeating itself unless you stop it. I know that it is easier said than done but why would you want to be with a person that is constantly questioning their desire to be with you?
Getting angry is a big part of this process and you should let it happen.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
Not letting your true emotions, anger, pain, out is going into denial. Alcoholics go into denial, but they keep drinking until they get past this.
If you keep this up and deny yourself anger, you'll be back at square one and not have learned a darned thing.
But, we've told you this before, and I really hope it will soon sink in.
Have a good weekend.
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But who do I let me anger out too, I mean I someitmes want to just scream and yell at her. But then I think well that will get me know where. Then I think I will play the I don't care anymore care and just be civil and only speak of my son and that's it. Just act like nothing happen and act like she means nothing to me. I dot know.
What a great question, how to vent those feelings in a constuctive way. Most guys go in for physical exertion, through the gym, or sports, a good friend who is a great listener can help also. I think the best way is to organise your life in a way as to provide you with challenges, and new people, and makes you happy. Its hard to be angry when your doing what you enjoy doing. Be creative and do something you've never done so as to change the focus of your emotions and concentrate on something else besides your ex. Have you ever volunteered your time to something worthy? Try it and gain a new perspective of yourself. Anger requires action, whether positive or negative is up to you. Stay positive and have no regrets later.Quote:
But who do I let me anger out too,
Also.. Is it ever possible to be more then a safety net.
Hey crush, I just have read all your story, and I just want to show you my complete support. I'm passing through some sort of a similar situation, and I recognize in my flesh and bones what you feeling right now.
All I can say for now, is everything this wonderful people are recommend you, not only is THE WAY but even is VITAL. It is the right path. It sucks to fight those feelings but the advise of Cherry about the exercises on how not to think about it, worth every word.
You as well as me and others in this situations, have to learn how to implemment step by step this thing of "not been a safety net" for ANYBODY but us. We know it's not healthy, but we need that little push.
Go ahead man! We have to!
Flying solo this time :)
Does history repeat its self
Yes it does. I have a history of failing and it is repeated every day
OK well I'm preety PISSED I just found out that about 2 weeks agi she took my son to Florida to go see the guy she left me for. SHE TOOK MY FUGGIN SON. I want to call her and yell. I WONT>> NC all the way. BUT
OK so here is the scoop. I have not spoker to her but one of her friends told me what has been going on. Her friend is disgusted by her behavior. She took my son to Florida to see this guy that she just met. We live in canada he lives in Florida. He is 36 and I hear he has money. 3 cars a truck corvette and something else. So I'm preety pissed she took him to Florida. But now my buddys girlfriend said that my ex told her that she wants to marry this guy after only knowing him for 2 months and out of the 2 months only hung out with him for 3 solid weeks. Should I be worried. I know its over but this is kind of heartbreaking. I mean a week before we broke up she wanted me to ask her to marry her now she wants this new guy because he has money and she likes the idea. Do you think it is a phase ? So right now I guess she is in a long distance relationship. But she is so nieve to think that this guy is only sleeping with her. 36 and has money living in Florida he probably has multiple girls. Women what do you think..
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