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Originally Posted by ZOE123

I am a little older and female so here is my thought. Life is way too short and sometimes the love that we feel when we are younger can be the love of our lives and the most innocent. I would call him out for a friendly lunch. When he gets there, kiss him on the cheek and gradually start talking about your feelings. Obviously, he cares about you and enough to go out of his way to do things for you...that says so much right there. Guys do not go out of there way just for friends!!!! He still cares, but you guys aren't being honest with each other. Tell him how you feel and that you would love to start dating again. See how he responds and acts. If he says NO and he just wants to be friends, then at least it's out in the open and you tried. Then, just let go of it and move on. If he agress with you, then give him time to let go of his present relationship and have fun with your love. Just remember one thing...life is short and he could be gone tomorrow forever and you would have never let him know how you felt so go for it...good luck!

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I had taken this approach before. I kissed him on the cheak one night when we were together and he backed away and simply said "thanks". Then he said sorry for not feeling the same way. That was over a year ago that I did this. I won't do it again. Why can't he do it - especially when he knows I will respond.

If he truly wants me, wouldn't he come and tell me? Or I wish he would be the one to kiss my cheak. I admit that I pushed him away pretty badly, but then I went after him to make up for it. He told me he realizes that I am the woman who loves him the "most" on this earth. He has said this time and time again. He knows how I feel. The ball is in his court.

Then again, I'm scared that he might want me, but is too shy to tell me? He was actually pretty shy in our relationship, and many girls have had this complaint about him. I am sure of this though: he loves me profoundly as a friend. And yes Zoey, he does things for me that he doesn't do for his other friends or ex's. He also goes out of his way time and time again for me. This all confuses me. I know this is a bit more than friendship... but why can't it be all the way?

Zoey, I want to do what you are telling me, but I feel that I would need him to make a "solid" move now, and that I deserve it. I don't want to chase him though; I'm too afraid of the emotionally destructive rollercoaster.

I don't know. I'm confused.

Hey haven't read much here but it appears allmost instantly that your putting yourself through suffering needlessley. An ex is an ex, its broke (in most occasions)! In time maybe things can be started again as friends or more. However how can one do that without time to think, learn, grow and let the emotional dust settle? I don't think you can really.

Its best to remove yourself from his court! For your own benefit. Or time and time again you will be knocked back. Have some dignity for yourself and live your own life. You don't need him! You don't need anyone but yourself to live your life. In time your be able to get back that sense of individuality you once had before any relationship. When you get to that point your be a wiser, learned individual. You will know more about relationships, life and more importantly your be happy in yourself.

A partner merely expands your life, they should not make your life!!

They call it the past for a reason, leave it there. If something happens later on, then great, but you may find that the truth is your happiness lies with someone else. Good luck hon! Don't force things to happen, just let them.

As I have told countless others over the years, if its not working out its time to move on. People don't change, and you can't change. People pretend to change but they always fall back to their old behaviors eventually, and its best to realize this before kids or marriage become part of the big picture.

Judge others at face value. They are who they are, if that's not good enough or they feel the same with you then its time to move on. Trust me that there are people out there that fit without one expecting the other to change for whatever reason. That is the kind of person you want as a partner.

People don't change their character any more than a leopard can change its spots... short of a life altering experience... which is usually a near death experience that strikes the reality of mortality home.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

As I have told countless others over the years, if its not working out its time to move on. People don't change, and you can't change. People pretend to change but they always fall back to their old behaviors eventually, and its best to realize this before kids or marriage become part of the big picture.

Judge others at face value. They are who they are, if thats not good enough or they feel the same with you then its time to move on. Trust me that there are people out there that fit without one expecting the other to change for whatever reason. That is the kind of person you want as a partner.

People don't change their character any more than a leopard can change its spots.....short of a life altering experience....which is usually a near death experience that strikes the reality of mortality home.

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Fact is, people do change - there will always be small characteristics that don't, but change is inevitable in all things in life. This is why people's interests change over time as they get older. You are in charge of your own life, and if change is what you want you can achieve it - but it has to honestly be wanted. As people grow and learn about themselves they change.

As for the leopards spots changing - you should read into this - they do actually, with age.

Leopards and Jaguars Coats Change Their Patterns with Age - Scientists model the changing patterns of leopards' and jaguars' coats - Softpedia

What do you think if you have changed and just want the chance to show that other person that its for real? Should you give up? Or try to really show that person that hey I know I wasn't always right or did the right thing but now I know and have found the way. I think that if you don't try you may regret it forever.

In my opinion change doesn't occur over night - it happens over a long period. But I am a firm believer that if the person has requested a change and isn't around to see it then the change isn't what they really wanted - it was something else. Every situation is different and should be handled different - so what I might do and what you may do are two separate things. Mostly, you have to be comfortable with yourself before you can begin to show others the real you. However; you cannot force someone to see the change - let them see it on their own. Be strong, respect yourself and they will see things. If they don't then once again, change isn't the culprit.

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Originally Posted by farfrmnormal

Fact is, people do change - there will always be small characteristics that don't, but change is inevitable in all things in life. This is why people's interests change over time as they get older. You are in charge of your own life, and if change is what you want you can achieve it - but it has to honestly be wanted. As people grow and learn about themselves they change.

As for the leopards spots changing - you should read into this - they do actually, with age.

Leopards and Jaguars Coats Change Their Patterns with Age - Scientists model the changing patterns of leopards' and jaguars' coats - Softpedia

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You are missing the point I was making. Arrogant self centered people don't suddenly become sensitive people that listen. They tend to be that way till they die without a life altering event happening.

Women that have a habit of flirting around with everyone and sleeping with who they want when they want, as well as men who are players don't suddenly change into caring faithful types unless they suddenly want to.

The divorce statistics support me on that. Thousands if no millions of women and men for that matter go into a relationship saying I'll make them change... and when they don't you have this sort of thing.

I know a lot of people... many of them I've known my entire life or close to it. And at 46 that's a fair amount of years. While people do change depending on what stage of life they are at, their underlying personality remains very close to the same.

I can count the people I know that have truly changed on one hand.

Leopards don't become tigers in effect.

What about people who don't change their personality exactly but change a behavior or though process that had been handicapping the relationship. My exgf love to be loved, romanced, and all that kind of stuff. I am not so much an emotional person and never have been, but I have tried to be more affectionate with her. After these 2 weeks of being apart, I have realized there is no reason to hold anything in or back if you are happy and with the person you want to be with. I just want to show her that I really realize this now, and that I won't make that mistake again. And this also applies to other things such as jobs or activities that you like but haven't gone for it. I just want to show her I have changed my mentality and want to just go for it everyday I am with her.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

You are missing the point I was making. Arrogant self centered people don't suddenly become sensitive people that listen. They tend to be that way till they die without a life altering event happening.

Women that have a habit of flirting around with everyone and sleeping with who they want when they want, as well as men who are players don't suddenly change into caring faithful types unless they suddenly want to.

The divorce statistics support me on that. thousands if no millions of women and men for that matter go into a relationship saying I'll make them change....and when they don't you have this sort of thing.

I know a lot of people.....many of them I've known my entire life or close to it. And at 46 thats a fair amount of years. While people do change depending on what stage of life they are at, their underlying personality remains very close to the same.

I can count the people I know that have truly changed on one hand.

Leopards don't become tigers in effect.

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I was not missing the point - I know that many do not change, but you said NO one changes - yet you said yourself that you can count and do know a few people who have. Sometimes losing a loved one is enough of an event to have you realize that change is needed. Change in the sense that even though the relationship may not work out, you are heading in a better direction for the future.

I realized after two plagued relationships that there was something I was NOT doing that came up in both situations - I have realized through discussion with a therapist as well as through my readings that I cannot be pig headed. Accept my qualities and learn to be a balanced individual. Its unfortunate that the ones who never change don't have the chance to experience a life altering moment to help them see the light of day.

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Originally Posted by farfrmnormal

I was not missing the point - I know that many do not change, but you said NO one changes - yet you said yourself that you can count and do know a few people who have. Sometimes losing a loved one is enough of an event to have you realize that change is needed. Change in the sense that even though the relationship may not work out, you are heading in a better direction for the future.

I realized after two plagued relationships that there was something I was NOT doing that came up in both situations - I have realized through discussion with a therapist as well as through my readings that I cannot be pig headed. Accept my qualities and learn to be a balanced individual. Its unfortunate that the ones who never change don't have the chance to experience a life altering moment to help them see the light of day.

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Well the couple I know have gone from being loudmouth trouble makers and bullies for the most part. One is now a Priest. And the other couple I honestly don't remember what they do now but it's a polar opposite change in how they once were.

Now I do not see these people often so they might have elements of their old bully past that I don't see.

But everyone else I have known for nearly 40 years Have ganged little in their basic character. For the most part the person you are as a teen is the person you are as an adult and as a senior citizen. I'm not talking assorted habits... I'm talking personality.

People pick up and drop habits all the time. Without a major event in their life (medical, or mental) the personality doesn't change. Any parent will tell you that about their kids. You have traits you carry to the grave you had as a kid.

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Originally Posted by bummedout4

what about people who dont change their personality exactly but change a behavior or though process that had been handicapping the relationship. my exgf love to be loved, romanced, and all that kind of stuff. I am not so much an emotional person and never have been, but i have tried to be more affectionate with her. After these 2 weeks of being apart, i have realized there is no reason to hold anything in or back if you are happy and with the person you want to be with. I just want to show her that i really realize this now, and that i wont make that mistake again. and this also applies to other things such as jobs or activities that you like but havent gone for it. I just want to show her i have changed my mentality and want to just go for it everyday i am with her.

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People do change habit... or certain behaviors, sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse.

THe mistake may people make is "Oh I know he or she is like that, but trust me they will change, and many honestly believe they can change them into the people they want them to be. Then 5 or 10 years down the road when nothing has changed and they have lost 10 years or so of their life, maybe now have kids they realize nothing has changed, and they hate their lives, many end up divorcing, all over the mistaken belief that they change change someone else.

Fact is, take an honest look at the partner you are interested in. An objective one. Look at their bad traits and make sure you can be happy with them knowing they are not clay, they will not become who you want them to be any more than you will become what they want you to be.

Those of use who did not marry extremely young have come to learn there is a good match out there personality wise if you take you time and don't just settle for the first person you meet, which I might add is a trap that's easy to fall into..

Thanks guys. You've really helped me through some of my bad days.

No updates, except that I'm feeling pretty good about life.

This is a little bittersweet but I realize that my life would be great with him in it, but it will also be just as great without him too.

I'm not going to let one experience drag me down.

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Originally Posted by Sad Soul

Thanks guys. You've really helped me through some of my bad days.

No updates, except that I'm feeling pretty good about life.

This is a little bittersweet but I realize that my life would be great with him in it, but it will also be just as great without him too.

I'm not going to let one experience drag me down.

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Good for you. You know that we are here for you. We all share our deepest thoughts and feelings on this site and we are glad when it helps others. It helps me every day I sign on.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_6_205.gif

He told me he's coming in December again for Christmas and New Years. He said he wants to meet up and misses me.

Should I meet up with him? I'm having a lot of trouble deciding if I should, and I guess I have a lot of time to decide this before he comes. I admit it's been on my mind a little, but I'm doing very well lately in terms of getting on with my life! :)

He's been a great friend and I don't want to lose this.
But I'm scared of setting myself back in the healing process. I didn't see him the past times he came to visit, but now I'm wondering if I should?

if you see him at X-mas and think you are going to ever marry him you are setting yourself up for depression...

move on or get left behind in life...

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Originally Posted by Ash123

if you see him at X-mas and think you are gonna ever marry him you are setting yourself up for depression...

move on or get left behind in life....

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Ash123,

Are you saying that I should go and see if I still have feelings for him, and that that will show whether I'm still ready or not ready to have contact with my ex?

Or, are you saying that if I have any feelings of still wanting to be with him prior to meeting up, that I should not go and see him?

My father advised me to not push him away entirely after my ex said he realizes that everything was his fault and that he is sorry... My dad explained that after a year and half of it being over, my ex isn't going to, from England, call and right out say "let's get back together", but that it takes time?

But then some of my friends say to stay very guarded.

Gosh, dad's often know best..but....

... from where I sit your relationship is 100% done. So, just be prepared for that mentally or stay away... what I meant was that people that don't move on... get left behind.

Hoping for the best for you.

The real question is, are you healthy enough, to deal realistically and rationally with a reunion? If not don't do it. Also know that it can go either way and be prepared. Only you know what you can, and can't, deal with.

My heart wants to see him when he comes.

That's a bad sign. I'm supposed to be over this?

I never want to lose him as a friend though. I don't want to lose that. And so far he keeps working on our friendship. He messaged me today. I miss him, but pushed him away a little because I want to get over him. In this process of disconnecting with him, I fear our friendship will suffer a bit too (especially with the distance between countries).

But I've been getting on with my life, and I'm still enjoying. I miss him, but at the same time I am happy with the rest of my life.

I just got promoted, almost done school, have great family and friends, and am thinking of going to Cuba with some friends this Christmas.