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Well it seems to me like you guys are soulmates, I have not read dr. nancy's book though, but my beleifs are if soulmates are lucky enough to find each other in this life, then they should make every effort to be together and if bith individuals are married or one is married they SHOULD DIVOURCE THEIR SPOUSE.
That's my take on the situation, good luck to you:)
I am not sure I believe that someone should divorce for their *soul mate*
I do believe in lost love mates 'found' but you have to have patience.
It is her decision but often I see perfect couples, soul mates, two people totally in love but the married one, as much as they may want out of the marriage, stays because it is what they are use to and comfortable with.
She may want to leave. She may want to be with you but she may be afraid and put it off indefinitely.
I really do not think you should encourage her to divorce. She has to make her decisions in her time. All you can do is ask her to keep you informed with things like when does she think she will have her divorce.
Hi:
Very complicated story so very brief. Ex-girlfriend whom I dated for 4 years in college and should've married. We were set, but I messed it up (not sexually, just stupid stuff like picking on her)--I hadn't really matured then. Went to grad. Schools and lost touch but I never stopped thinking over. She got married as she didn't hear from me and thought unresolvable differences. Now, 6 years later, she admits she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with a guy 15 years her senior. Never loved him and still doesn't. BUT, doesn't want to be the divorcer. Husband doesn't believe in divorce... except for adultery. Knows of affair, but she hasn't told him details. This is husband's 2nd wife (first wife had affair and divorced him) and he married only for companionship. Marriage counseling: Failed as husband not interested. Affair keeps going on with no end. Says we'll be together... she's even going to counseling to get help to get out. Q is this: If I end it how likely is she to realize how much she misses me and divorces him? Or is it unlikely? Can't go forward, can't go back. Stuck. She's the one.
I don't think she is the one. YOU told us she doesn't want to be the divorcer, that would tell me something, that she really doesn't love you. Sorry just an opinion. Your wasting your time, and being involved with a married woman. Ex girlfriend or whatever, you have no business being with her.
Leave her alone, she's married. Happily or unhappily, she's married. She's obviously not interested in leaving him. She's having her cake and eating it too.
Great advice!Quote:
Originally Posted by chihuahuamomma
You never get involved with someone married.
Thanks but my questions were if I am to give an ultimatum or give her time, how likely is it that she would divorce him after knowing how life is with me and experiencing the real possibility that I won't be around. And BTW, she reciprocated e-mails, phone calls, everything. Hard to walk away from one's faith because it damn well certainly feels that this is happening for a reason. The only girl I've ever loved and who just happens to not have ever stopped loving me, is in a bad marriage from start, has been dating me, gone on vacation with me, and says wants to be with me seems all to coincidental. Maybe this is where faith comes in and I must walk away so that she can walk with me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
If she wanted to be with you she would get a divorce and walk away from her so called unhealthy marriage. She's cheating and so are you.
Not wanting to be a divorcer is just a BS excuse.
Leave her alone to sort her drama out , if there is any , and find someone who's available.
Does she love you enough to get a divorce?
The answer to that will lead you to a more defined answer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by none12345
Wow! That's something I never really considered. When I ask her if she loves him, she says no. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? No. She and I are even seeing counselors/pscyh because she feels this is happening for a reason and wants to know what's holding her back and mine has told me to keep seeing her, that her issues are workable, that it's apparent she loves me and were it not for that, it might be hopeless. Guess love conquers all? But a real Q is this. Her dysfunctional husband is also seeing a counselor... she doesn't know why nor has asked (they talk very little). Might he be trying to cope or try to justify getting a divorce as he has told her he doesn't believe in divorce but also stated adultery is grounds for divorce. Can't help but think if she really told him what was going on, he wouldn't be so understanding. But she doesn't want to be the adulterer... even though she already is. Thoughts?
1) She's married so she's off limits nor matter how you see it.
2) She knows you want to be with her, so if she wanted to be with you, she would divorce her husband regardless of all the excuses.
3) Unless she divorces her husband, you need to move on with your life. If she comes to you then great (but emphasis on after she divorces), but you can't put your life on hold for a married woman.
4) You don't want to end up being the guy she cheats on her husband with and you don't want to be her rebound.
Explain this: The counselor I see disagrees with those thoughts as I mentioned earlier. In fact, she knows of situations where while it takes time... a divorce does happen. Goin' on 2 years dating and she's never home with him on weekends. MAIN Q IS THIS... ANY IDEA AS TO WHY HE'S SEEKING INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING? And BTW, if you knew the whole story she's essentially married only by paper. Crazy I know... but going on vacation, staying over, dating essentially kills any chance for her current marriage succeeding eh?Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
We don't have the answers to that. The point is, she's married so you got to stay away from her mess until she figures it out.
Only if she's single, then you can consider a relationship with her. Let her sort out your problems, while you live your own life. If she wants to be with you, she will find you.
Don't you want more?
Don't you want a woman to love you with every fiber of her being? Want to show you off to the world? Bring you home to her parents and share her life with you?
Don't you think you deserve that?
This married woman cannot give that to you.
Chicago. You asked us a question, we answered it. You don't like it. If you want to continue your affair, go ahead but I can GUARANTEE you it won't end the way you want it to.
If she loves you SO much, why can't she SEPARATE from her husband? Get her own place or move in with you? If she causes the separation and KNOWS that it's because she was cheating and left him for you, don't you think he'd file for divorce? Then she wouldn't have to be concerned with being the "divorcer".
How would we know why he's seeing counseling?Quote:
Originally Posted by chicago95
Because his wife is screwing another man?
Because his wife won't talk to him?
Because he feels cuckolded?
You post reeks of self righteous justification to continue in this cheating charade.
If your GF really cared about you and genuinely wanted to diminish the pain her husband is feeling then she would file for divorce now and cease this stupidity around not wanting to initiate the separation. A person with integrity and compassion would do what is required to avoid hurting people.
It may well be a marriage on paper only, but her actions in these circumstances only serve to make matters worse for all concerned.
Take off your 'rose colored glasses'. Open your eyes. Wake up. Something is not quite right here.
I agree with many of your points but I'm not wearing rose colored glasses. Her marriage was bad from beginning (married for all the wrong reasons). Many offers by him for her to leave (if you want to divorce me... go ahead... I'm not going to change) and prayed for something to happen. I called 8 wrenching years later and we picked up right where we left of on conversation. She aknowledged this was happening for reason & glad I was back in life. Can't help feel this is life correcting for what shoudn'tve happened. One thing to know about me is I took her for granted maybe... got cocky (not really me). That happened with her the first time around. Never again. Yes, she should divorce. It's why she's seeking counseling (4 months) to figure out why she's hesitant (b/c he's got a "good heart") and she's making progress. Once counselor and her sort through issues it is her hope that she will divorce with a clear conscience knowing she tried everything.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini54
One other Q is this: Don't you think she should tell her parents? They have much influence over her and put her husband in higher regards than her as he cooks, cleans, etc. while she brings home the paycheck. Makes her upset and me too because they don't know all the lies (how he's killed her dreams and wishes, never any intimacy, connection). He's 15 years older than her and has neck problems enough to not do factory work but app. He's able to swing a sledge hammer and bust up cement steps and put in a wood entry way. (A first rate BS con man if you ask me).
2nd Q: He says he doesn't believe in divorce except adultry is grounds for divorce. He suspected his first wife of having an affair. But isn't it possible that if she told him everything he could change his belief and file?
One other bit: She has Int. cysti. Which can limit sex because pain. With him it never happened-too painful. When we did it, miraculously no pain! Explain that. Seems to be another sign that she and I are supposed to be together. Recog. It's wrong but she and I both know we want to marry and we're in our 30's not just some 18 year olds who aren't aware of implications.
Chicago, your making all kinds of excuses why she is with this man. It is what it is. YOU have no right butting in their business, whether it's a past girlfriend or what. How can she make her marriage work with you in the picture. Besides if your going to counseling for this and there telling you to stick by her, then your at the wrong counselor. What comes around goes around... remember that... someday it will come back to bite you.. Don't mean too be harsh its just the facts... Let her live her life alone with her husband, sorry butt out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sully123
Her marriage wasn't working from get go. No sex, no nothing. Tell me how likely it is that she'd divorce him if I walked away. Scene is diifferent this time... because before I came around she wasn't happy (depressed) and just thought her marriage of no hope or dreams was typical.
She knows how I feel and how things really could be. Do you think she'd still stick it out with him and forgoe her real feelings, sex, and happiness or would she probably realize she has to divorce?
I can't understand how she can consider going back considering all the damage she's done with having an affair. We have 17 years of history!! We have gone as far as we can except being married. :( I so want this to work. If I have to have faith and walk away I will... but want to know your input on the odds of her leaving him after 6 years of marriage and no kids. Believe me, neither of us would be doing anything like this if we didn't intend on marrying. She's even said many times she will marry me. Moot point. I just don't want to as she says maybe "wait till he dies" or he divorces her. She says divorce is "unlikely" but many things she said we're unlikely and have changed. I.E vacation. Please help.. agony!
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