Friends with a hint of something more
After 6 months of NC, my ex, *Colin made contact. We had a brief conversation online and then, I made sure to stay offline and go about my life the way I had been. 2 months later, I ended up staying later than I was supposed to at work and on the way home ended up passing Colin and his friend as they were walking down the block. They hadn't seen me so I pretended I didn't see them and drove by. When I got home, Colin IM'ed me shortly after to say he saw me drive by. Again, we were talking for a bit and re-added each other back on Facebook. His relationship status still reads "In a Relationship" but I'd come to terms with that in the 6 months we hadn't spoken.
The conversation became more flirty, and we left it at that. A few nights later, we talk online again, but nothing major. I stayed offline for about a week and received a text early one morning when Colin got home from work. We text back and forth a few times, leave it at that. I decide to text him to see if he'd like to go for lunch, as he's made all the contact thus far, and get no reply. Turns out, he was sleeping because he does graveyard shifts in the city as a cop. He calls early the next morning to apologize for getting back to me so late and we talk on the phone for an hour, just catching up. He invited me over and we're hanging out, and he's poking me in the stomach, complimenting that I've been working out, wants to see my belly-button ring, etc.
So we were upstairs in his room where the video game console is and he says, "Please, sit." I sit on his bed and he lays his head down on my lap, poking me, being cute like he used to when we were still together. We played Guitar Hero III, talked, joked around, and had a great time. Except.. he has a girlfriend. While we were hanging out, I didn't feel all of the emotions I thought I would feel, it just felt like hanging out with a friend. I also know I'm pretty guarded where he's concerned because of how badly he's hurt me in the past. He pointed out that he still has the framed star certificate I had named after him hanging on his wall, and when we were talking about his girlfriend, he said, "Its not that serious." I didn't ask too many questions, I let him say anything on his own for the most part. I asked if they said I love you, as they've been together a year and he said, "She does, I don't say it back though." Not surprising, he's never been able to say it to anyone. He said she's cool, but it annoys him sometimes because she'll say she likes a certain type of music but when he asks if she knows what it is, she doesn't know. "Don't tell me you like something if you don't even know what it is." He was saying what I already knew, they see each other about once a week.
So after hanging out all afternoon, he walked me downstairs and hugged me goodbye. It was the most fun I've had with him in a really long time, and I've really missed spending time with him. He said that he just feels "desensitized" to everything, and I think part of that comes from being a cop. He's always felt like he can talk to me about anything, and that's true he can, but I got so used to to the fact that we would probably never speak again that this is kind of surreal. I want to be there for him, but I'm not sure how to be or where I fit in anymore. I know I still have feelings for him, but I'm a lot more guarded now than I was back then, and I'm just scared to let him in.
Advice?
