Ask Me Help Desk - 4 year girlfriend broke up with me. This sucks

Sand I have been in your shoes. In time it does get better. 5 months in I still take time to stare at the sky, feel sorry for myself and analylize what went wrong. But the hurt in my heart comes and goes faster then from a few months ago. In a couple months you will come out of your confort zone and start hanging out with your friends. I still am quiet in front of them but I'm starting to have more conversations without thinking of her. Trust me when I say this time does heal. Just don't contact her and if she contacts you don't answer. You will go back to square one. I did this 2 months in breakup and maybe that why I'm still messed up 5 months in. But you will be fine.

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Originally Posted by Sandstorm99

It is crazy how we all have very similar stories with all the same excuses such as "I need time to myself, I need to find myself, I don't have the same feelings, I'm depressed" I've taken several days to think about it all and we all have similar stories with similar outcomes. We all have been forced into no contact because all our other friendly attempts lead to nothing, maybe a dinner/kiss but mainly nothing, with the exception of sdjosh. I can see the hell sdjosh went through to get back with his girl. I decided I won't be asking her for more answers about why she broke up. I will never get them. I'm just going to accept the break up and do nothing. I haven't thought of anything that could possibly get her back so i'm going to do nothing.

I'll update you all if for some crazy reason she comes back but I don't have any hope for that anymore.

Yes, I thought about it too, and the only explanation that I can come up with is that all the stories are all very similar and deal with the same excuses such as "I need time to myself, I need to find myself, I don't have the same feelings, I'm depressed" because they are just that…excuses. In the end they are the easiest let downs possible. Not as many people get the “f**k you it's over”. We're in the caring category – the let down easy bunch. Unfortunately, the reality of it is that the relationship as we knew it before ceases to exist, and now begins the mourning period. And as much as you want this ex back it's not going to happen, not in the way that you/we want it too, where she just calls us back right now and everything gets fixed. This won’t happen because their heart has already given up, and no amount of rationalization on our part is going to change that, because it’s impossible to convince someone to feel for you again. That’s why only time is that last shred of hope if at all.

Yes, Sdjosh's situation is different because really, in a way it's been so long that they are both in different places now, different people and that has in a way changed the dynamic of the relationship. It’s not the relationship is was anymore. It truly is starting over, just with someone you know or have a history with (Sdjosh, correct me if I’m wrong).

So I think the goal here is to strengthen and improve you, by yourself, and think of nothing more. Then, when that day comes along, months from now (from what I read the average seems to be about 6-12 months), when you feel strong and happy and complete by yourself again (with a different frame of mind), you will be mentally stable and ready to decide what your next step will be, whether it's to keep moving on by yourself, or maybe you've already met someone by then, or to pick up the phone and see how the ex is doing (but from what I read this will most likely not happen, because by then, who wants to go back to feeling like crap).

Am I on to something here, or am I lost? Just trying to figure out what this is all about and where it leads to while I'm (as many of us are) stuck in limbo.

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Originally Posted by samesame

Yes, I thought about it too, and the only explanation that I can come up with is that all the stories are all very similar and deal with the same excuses such as "I need time to myself, I need to find myself, I don't have the same feelings, I'm depressed" because they are just that…excuses. In the end they are the easiest let downs possible. Not as many people get the “f**k you it's over”. We're in the caring category – the let down easy bunch. Unfortunately, the reality of it is that the relationship as we knew it before ceases to exist, and now begins the mourning period. And as much as you want this ex back it's not going to happen, not in the way that you/we want it too, where she just calls us back right now and everything gets fixed. This won't happen because their heart has already given up, and no amount of rationalization on our part is going to change that, because it's impossible to convince someone to feel for you again. That's why only time is that last shred of hope if at all.

Yes, Sdjosh's situation is different because really, in a way it's been so long that they are both in different places now, different people and that has in a way changed the dynamic of the relationship. It's not the relationship is was anymore. It truly is starting over, just with someone you know or have a history with (Sdjosh, correct me if I'm wrong).

So I think the goal here is to strengthen and improve you, by yourself, and think of nothing more. Then, when that day comes along, months from now (from what I read the average seems to be about 6-12 months), when you feel strong and happy and complete by yourself again (with a different frame of mind), you will be mentally stable and ready to decide what your next step will be, whether it's to keep moving on by yourself, or maybe you've already met someone by then, or to pick up the phone and see how the ex is doing (but from what I read this will most likely not happen, because by then, who wants to go back to feeling like crap).

Am I on to something here, or am I lost? Just trying to figure out what this is all about and where it leads to while I'm (as many of us are) stuck in limbo.

I agree with what you said. When we broke up there was no chance getting back together. Our relationship was dead... but we stayed friends even though it probably killed us both. At the same time we made it a point to work on ourselves. To be independent and self sufficient. So we did become different from who we were... but even with the changes, we still love each other and want to be together.

This situation doesn't work for everyone. It takes 2 dedicated... stubborn... crazy people to want to go through that kind of hell. ;) But we knew that it was worth it.

I made it a habbit... more like a burning desire to fix myself. To get back to being a happy... independent individual. That was the only thing that brought about our new relationship. Focus on you first....fix you....be happy being you. Then see where it goes after that.

My girl always said that I try harder than anyone she has ever known... and that it was one of the things she loved about me.

Hey Sandstrom,

You say this was your 12 g/f or so. I was just wondering if any other break-up you've been through, where you were the one getting dumped, has compared to this (ie. You wanted them back, etc.).

Thanks for everyone's advice, I appreciate it all. I should have maintained no contact from day one in order for her to miss me but I kind of messed that up. I keep going through this mystery process of disappearing and reappearing. But I can say it is getting me nowhere. It isn't pushing her away but it is definitely not pulling her back.

Samesame. I was actually counting my past girlfriends and I had about 22 or so. Most of them only lasted about 1-2 months of which I ended on my own. If 1-2 months does count as a girlfriend. But there were about 4 that were about 1-2 1/2 years long. I broke up with the first two because they were cheaters at heart. Somehow I could sense it and they got caught. I remember the first relationship was about 2 years long and I found out she had actually cheated several times. I dumped her and she wrote me apology letters etc. She would always call too and I remember cussing her out and hanging up. But she kept calling. I did everything I could to get away from that girl. I had really liked her up to the point where I found out who she truly was. Years had went by from then and she didn't contact me anymore. The strange part about it is that I kind of felt like getting back with her but I would quickly tell myself what kind of person she is and she would never change. Even though I had broken up with her, I was waiting for her to try and contact me after a few years. But she never did so I made no effort to get a hold of her. The 2nd cheater followed the same course as the first but I didn't cuss this girl out. Talked to her once in a while and things slowly faded to nothing. Most of the other break ups were mutual and simply faded away like the others.

I think the 4th girlfriend broke up with me and somehow I didn't keep my cool and ruined it. I had bugged her to death on the phone and flowers etc. Talked to her years down the road to find out she actually broke up with me to teach me a lesson/change me and did plan on getting back together until I messed it up by being super needy. The latest break up was definitely not mutual. This one is different from all the others.

No contact does wonders for healing but I have no idea how to win a girls heart back.

You said you were not telling her how you felt? Sometimes in relationships you need to swallow your pride and tell her what you think! Other than that, if YOU think the break-up is the best thing, than no contact would be a good way to go!

Sandstorm, yeah I see what you mean.

Truth is No contact sucks! Just when you think you're getting better, a day comes along when all you do is think of her and feel blue. But you're right, no contact is the only alternative to not torturing yourself anymore than you already are, but to win a girls heart back is what we're all really looking to do. I haven't heard anyone's advice with that (maybe because there is no real way or strategy, I don't know). So, this has led me to make my own...

I figure give it a solid 4 months at least, but no more than 6 months. 1 month for each year you dated... Absolutely no contact. Then, if you still want her back and she hasn't made any attempt to contact you, I think by then it's your time to make a move. No contact forever is a gamble in the long run, both with its pros and cons. But I think if you really really want her back, timing is important. Too little time and you push her away for good. Too much time and she could moves on and meet someone new. The thing that I haven't figured out yet is what move to make in 4-6 months if and when that time comes. A call, text, email? I know it needs to be short and no pressure, and new (in other words, no past relationship B.S. - pretend you're old friends that haven't seen each other in a while but were always on good terms)... Just to jog their memory and heart, and see how they respond. Maybe even by then, do what SDJosh did and play the friendship angle until she feels comfortable with the idea again, in the meantime you're still in the picture (as hard as it is - no one said this would be easy). Any thoughts about this from anyone?

In the meantime, don't wait around. If some opportunity comes along to meet a nice girl, take it. I'm just saying it doesn't mean you have to give up completely on something your heart believes in. But you also have to know when to throw in the towel and call it quits for good too.

Harlos. I wrote her a 7 page letter that explained how I felt about her. I gave it to her 2 days after we broke up. So basically she has this letter to read anytime she is wondering how I feel. But I gave that to her a month ago. If I were to come out and tell her how I feel then that could be a big push as far as attraction is concerned. I've asked her to meet up several times which she isn't afraid to do but I never bring up the relationship or getting back together. She has maintained no calling me because when she broke up with me I told her that being friends won't happen and that I wouldn't allow her to string me along. Kind of a tough situation because she doesn't feel like she can just call to chat. Although I'm allowed to call anytime I want and she always picks up. The ball is kind of in my court but then again it is not. She even talks as long as she can but I almost always let her go. Rather stupid situation if you ask me, I'd rather her call if she misses me but technically she can't. My original plan was to have her only call if she wanted to get back together. If I confessed my feelings now she would simply say "why get back together if I'm going to move." She said this before after she kissed me in the morning and I really wonder if it is some easy let down.

Hey Sandstorm,

Just wondering if anything has changed for you or gotten better since you last posted here? Any contact?

Boy trying to figure out where the hell I left off. Sorry this might be long. For those out there wondering if they should be friends with their ex then read up and decide for yourself. It is now 2 months since we broke up. My sense of humor is slowly coming back but I'm still digging my own grave.

So I was still going through the process of disappearing and reappearing. Usually like 3-5 days of not talking and then calling her. I finally had a serious talk on the internet with her because I just couldn't take it anymore. I asked how she feels and she said "she feels like herself" then I asked how she feels about me. She said "I feel like I did when we broke up" She said "I don't know, I don't think we are meant for each other" Then I asked her why she fed me with "who knows, maybe we will get back together in 6 months" She said she didn't know what she wants in her life and she still doesn't. She said she just likes feeling like herself. I guess she didn't feel like herself around me. I asked her to ruin any hope I have and she said she couldn't do that. She also said "I think about how you acted on occasion, I think about us a lot, but I think about the bad things" So I ended it by saying "so it sounds like you have made up your mind" She said "I never said I made up my mind." It mainly sounded like she wanted me to change and I had told her about things that I have changed.

On the day after I felt like the conversation never ended so I mainly told her on the phone that she needs to put the past behind her. She needs to forget about the bad things if we are too start over. I also told her that she is most likely too stubborn to want to get back together. I said her stubbornness would get in the way if she even wanted to give me a chance. I was trying to challenge her to prove me wrong.

So for the next 2 weeks I maintained constant contact. Mainly me calling her. Yes, very stupid of me. She called me maybe once. The conversations were very one sided. She never asked me what I was doing, where I was going or how everything was. It was all about her. She also asked me if I was coming to her graduation party. I said I probably would. I feared seeing her in person because I hadn't seen her in about 6 weeks at this point. I had to face my fear and go to this party. I had made many changes and I wanted her to see.

So about 2 days went by where I didn't call her at all. She called me on the day of her party to ask If I was coming. I was joking around and said "sorry I can't make it" She said "awwww you suck, are you serious" I finally told her I was joking. I showed up half way through her party. My plan was to maintain tight contact and show up at this party. Then cut all contact for good after that. Well things went rather well at her party. I remember one point where I was just talking to one of her girlfriends for a second and my ex came and said "what are you doing" in a strong tone. I expected her to ignore me most of the time but she paid the majority of her attention to me. Some family drama broke out and somehow I was the negotiator for it. The strange part is that she asked me to stay because she didn't want to be left alone with the few people that were still there. They were her work friends, mostly girls. I thought she was comfortable with them? So I stayed and eventually all her friends left. Next thing you know I'm rubbing her legs and feet. She feel asleep and after about an hour of sitting there I decided it was time for me to go. She woke up and said I could stay there with her. I said I had to get going. She wanted me to text her when I got home. So I texted her that I made it home OK.

Next day she texts me "thanks for staying late with me" Stupid me replied "I would have stayed the night but I wasn't sure how comfortable you would be". She sent a few other texts thanking me for coming and for her card/gift. I told her I had a lot of fun etc. Later that night she texted again and said she was at some restaurant that I love. How nice of her to rub that in. She was with her cousin but it would have been nice if she asked me. But wait, I'm her so called friend. Her friend that she doesn't ask to do anything with and never asks about my life. You see where being their friend gets you? We exchanged a few more text messages. Damn I hate the guy that ever invented phone text messages.

Day after that, she texts me later and asks why my mom's phone is always busy. She had invited my parents to that party at the last minute but they didn't go. My mom did give me a card/$ to give her. So she wanted to call my mom to thank her. So later I find out my mom just came out and asked her what she is thinking and why we aren't back together. Oh man, what was my mother thinking? I'm a grown man. Then my mom asked if she was seeing anyone. My mom also asked her that if she moves on to let her know so she can tell her son(me). I didn't know what to say when my mom told me how the conversation went. I never warned my mom to please stay out of our situation but this felt like a tragedy. The ex texted me after that to let me know she spoke with my mom. I texted her back. Later that night my stupid pitiful self called her. We talked briefly and she invited me to her 2nd graduation party from the other side of her family(divorced parents). I told her I would go if she really wanted me to. She said her mother would be hurt if I went to her dad's side and not theirs. I guess her mom wants to see me. And supposedly my ex wants to see me. I asked her if she thought it was a little strange that I go. She said "who cares what my relatives think, you are my friend"

Funny, I'm her friend. "friend" If this is how she treats a friend then I don't even want to be her friend anymore.

So about 2 days have gone by now. I haven't called her and she hasn't sent one text. Do you all see where this gets you? I'm learning the hard way that you can't be their friend. I have to go to this 2nd graduation in 2 more days. Maybe I don't have to go but my heart says go. It is like some kind of drug, every time I talk to her or see her I get a fix. But that fix only lasts for a few days. I have been feeling slightly more happy and haven't shed a tear in a while. This has all been so ruff on me. I'm definitely doing this to myself.

I need to finally take a stand and quit contact. I think this 2nd party will be the last I see of her. She never initiates contact or asks me to see a movie etc. Should I even go to this 2nd party?

Also, why the text messages? Why can't she just call me?

Through all this time she has genuinely not seen anyone. Several people have confirmed this and she has told me too. Her dad even said she has not seen anyone. I think it is only a matter of time if I keep being her lame friend. She will eventually meet someone. I also made the mistake of telling her I haven't seen anyone at all. I had told her I am holding onto hope but not sure how much longer it will last.

Many other little things have happened in between all the above but I was as brief as possible.

I would not go, just delaying healing process.

That's a tough call. I don't understand the not calling either (the same thing happened to me). I think rather than being your friend she's just being friendly and confusing the two.

With the 2nd party you're kind of put on the spot. I'd say if you like her mother and you get along and she wants you to go, than go. But that's it. After that you need to give some time and space. But whatever you do, stop telling her you are waiting around for her, and avoid talking about the relatinship, unless she brings it up.

Good luck and stay positive.

I once saw Mckenzie tell someone to take their cell phone and seal it up in plastic baggies. And then go to a deserted place and bury it for a while(months). I'm really starting to consider that option because I have not been strong enough to resist the urge of calling her. Technology eventually ruins things, I miss the days when there were no cell phones, no caller ID etc. We usually had one home phone, no call waiting and no answering machine. We all have our good and bad qualities. My worst quality is I don't have the strength to be tough and end the contact. If I was tough then I'd not go to this party and avoid any call if she actually ever does call. But you all know, I'll go to this party, have a good time and she'll text me the next day.

Instead I'm always calling her and ignoring everyone's advice. She will never come back if I keep calling her without her initiating anything more than a cheap meaningless text message.

Oh yeah. Things are much more complicated today than they should be. Mckenzie had a good idea, but then what about email and msn, etc. You need some kind of self control.

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Instead I'm always calling her and ignoring everyone's advice. She will never come back if I keep calling her without her initiating anything more than a cheap meaningless text message.

No Contact is for you to heal, and not to get the ex back.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

No Contact is for you to heal, and not to get the ex back.

It could be used in some way to get him back and if she does not come back he will heal in the mean time...

Contact will onlyu dely the healing process and at the same time delay any chan=ce of her returning and will only allow her to dictate the relationshiop and do what she wishes..

In the end if she really did want to be with you she would be so she obviously does not want to be with yoyu...

Listen sand you should nopt go to this party what you should do is call up tonighht and set things straight. Say yourve had a good think about things and your ready to try and be in a relationship and if she doesn't feel she is ready to give it a go, then that's fine but your going your own way cause it won't be fair to your next girlfriend to be in contct with your ex. Tell her this notyhing else don't say anything about if she wants she's a chance let her know exactyly what I told you to say above.. DO NOY GO TO THE PARTY!! WHY ARE YOU GOING?? Don't START THIS CRAP ABOUT HER MUM LIKES YOU TURN THIS ON HER DAUGHTER IF SHE Doesn't SEE YOU AS A DATINMG OPTION THIS HER MUM SHOULD KNOW..

Don't GO LET HER KNOW WHERE THINGS STAND SHE GETS ALL OF YOU OR NONE LET HER AND HER MUM KNOW YOUR NOT IN THE GAME ANYMORE AND TURN THE GOD DAM PHONE OFF ALL WEKEND>>..

I know exactly what you mean. In my mind I think that if she sees me more then she will think about me more. Or this could be her chance to try and get back together. But we have all been through this, there is a 1% chance of that happening. As you can all see the only thing I have not tried is complete no contact. I have to exhaust all options or my mind will bug me down the road. I've run out of options, being her friend is torture and doesn't bring her any closer to me.

Mckenzie. I told her that she couldn't call me and I wouldn't allow her to string me along when we broke up. And she has stuck to the no calling me thing. But I'm the idiot calling her. I think my last option is not to call her anymore, and it really isn't an option. I'm torn between going to the party and not going. It feels like the last time I will see her. After the party I am gone, and I owe it to you guys and myself. I'm not going to give her any explanation. She can wonder why I don't care anymore. I already tried to worry her when we broke up that I was going to meet someone else and that didn't phase her.

No contact is what I will do after the party. I know there is no guarantee it will wake her up but I can't keep torturing myself. Yes it will be a slight shock to her if all of a sudden I don't call her anymore. But it is time to worry about myself. Time for me to spoil myself and not care what she is thinking. It has been 2 months and 4 days since the break up. I've tried all I could and I give up after this 2nd party!

I guess I'll look on the bright side. At least I haven't broken down and begged her to come back. Or even ask if she will just give me a chance.

Is there anyone here that I can mail my phone to? I want to mail someone my phone and they are not allowed to mail it back to me for a set amount of months. But of coure I'll supply return postage. I need to heal and get over this. I don't think I'm tough enough to resist if she does call me when I'm trying to escape.

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But it is time to worry about myself. Time for me to spoil myself and not care what she is thinking. It has been 2 months and 4 days since the break up. I've tried all I could and I give up after this 2nd party!

YOU ALMOST HAD ME FOR A MINUTE!
Boy, are you tough, and determined. Okay, if you cannot go to have a good time, and show the world what a great guy you are to be around, don't go!
You really have nothing to prove, but that you love yourself.