Judykatetee, I actually don't and haven't spoken about this to my friends even once. And what do you mean nothing has changed? I have more fun now and I try new things and I workout and I don't feel pain when thinking about it anymore. There's been lots of progress. I just have more to go and I'm hanging in there. I just write and think a lot but everyone here helps. I appreciate it. This is a hard time for me and I'm glad even with my overthinking I've kept NC for 3 months. I'm doing my best. Thank you for your posts!

Emo, I know that you're trying. Truth is, I like you, that's why I keep posting here, because frankly it's getting old and had it been anyone else I would have stopped posting a long time ago.

You're not a bad guy, but Judy is right, you are obsessive.

Want to know a secret? I still dream about my ex sometimes. We broke up over 21 years ago! He's still my friend. There's nothing romantic between us, but every once in a while he pops into my subconscious when I'm sleeping.

The difference between you and I is that I don't try to understand why it happens, because it doesn't matter. It's a dream. It's not reality and I am well adjusted enough to realize that he's in the past and he's there for a reason. He's my friend, that's it. He's not my husband because that part of our relationship didn't work.

You can't get over your ex because you refuse to accept that thoughts pop up for no reason and over analyzing them does nothing for you.

Yeah I have a few exs who are friends with nothing romantic as well. I guess this is fresh for me. I will try to stop it from now on. I'm just sad a relationship and being so close to someone ended. I feel plain a bit being single.

Nothing wrong with being single Emo , in fact enjoy being able to do what you wish without the fear of someone questioning your every move or action while you can.

It's normal to be sad Emo, but it's not normal to keep going over all the problems in the relationship over and over and that's what you're doing.

I'm going to ask you to do something. I think this will help. Go to the beginning of your thread, read all the posts. When you're done, tell me what you would think if you were giving advice to you.

Read the thread pretending it's not you that wrote it. Be unbiased about the whole thing.

What advice would you give Emopunk7 if he wasn't you?

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Originally Posted by friend4u178

Nothing wrong with being single Emo , in fact enjoy being able to do what you wish without the fear of someone questioning your every move or action while you can.

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I love being married, love my husband, but I have to admit, I sometimes miss being single, the lack of responsibility, the freedom, being able to do what and who I want. ;)

Enjoy it while you can Emo, before you know it you'll be married, with kids, a mortgage, pets, responsibility. All of these past mistakes will seem so foolish to you.

Have fun, you're young and free, go enjoy it while you can.

M, had to spread the rep, but of course you know I agree. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

I'm just sad a relationship and being so close to someone ended. I feel plain a bit being single.

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Emo, it doesn't help that you are hiding those feelings from your 'friends'. Don't you trust them to help you get through the pain?

I don't have close friends. I had one best friend from freshmen year of HS to Senior year but a week after school he moved to Maryland and never spoke to me again. I never did a thing wrong to him. I was such a great friend to him and he was to me as well. I still wonder what happened but I gave that up years ago. It hurt for a while though. I hope he is happy still and forgive him for disappearing like that.

You do know that women are not attracted to guys that feel sorry about themselves?

Your "friend" had this thing called life he moved on to... maybe he moved with his family, moved for school, or moved for work. People move, sometimes its friends... sometimes its you. As an adult you do what you must to get ahead, not toss away opportunities when they arrive because of "friends" who would do the same thing if they had the chance.

I've moved chasing opportunity several times... different states... even different countries.

YOU are who is responsible for your life, and what you do with it. You only have one life... make the most of it.

It takes two to end a relationship Emo, both romantic and friendship. You say you didn't do anything wrong when your friendship ended. Are you sure you're as innocent as you seem to think you are, both with this friend and with your ex?

Everyone has flaws, it takes someone with confidence and acceptance to admit to his/her flaws. You don't seem to be able to do that.

Have you read your posts? You seem to think that everything was her fault, that you tried so hard, that you were a prince and she's the one to blame.

You have a bit of an ego. That's evident in everything you post. You seem to think that you're above wrong doing, that you're perfect and you can't understand why the people in your life leave that perfection.

You have to accept your part of the break up. You have to accept that you weren't as perfect and wonderful as you think you were. That's what's haunting you, because you see what she was in the relationship, you think it was all her, but it wasn't.

You have to accept that you had a hand in it. Then you have to forgive yourself and her and move on.

You have to be willing to accept that no one is perfect. Only then can you find happiness in a relationship and with yourself.

First of all I know I'm not perfect. I know I may have gotten on her nerves. I know obviously something I did made her leave. I just wish I knew why and why couldn't we make it work. I in no way blame it all on her. I know I am not perfect. In fact I take pride in that I'm down to earth and usually let things slide a bit. I just wonder that if it didn't work the first time, and knowing I FIXED all my mistakes, then why wasn't it enough? I know I didn't do everything right at first but really this last time I can't pin point something I did wrong on occasion. I'm being serious. I didn't check her phone, we went out a lot and had fun and I took her on vacation. I didn't call exs... I mean if there was something I did wrong that I regret it was the payback at the end. That's really it. I wouldn't yell in public or hit like she would. U already know the rest. I'm not saying I'm perfect I'm just saying I loved her and I really tried my very best!
As far as my friend goes, I swear I never hurt that kid. I loved him. Till this day he is the only one I considered my best friend... great times but I swear he just dissappeared. I've thought about anything I couldve done wrong and the worst I ever came up with was that he wanted to go bowling but my cousin asked me to do something with him. I never cancelled n it was the first time. I'm sure it couldn't be over that. We never fought. I don't get it. Smoothy, we all go towards life but it doesn't mean you have to lose contact with friends or not even say bye so I don't get what you are saying. We were best friends.

Yes I do have a bit of an ego and a bit of confidence but it balances off with my humbleness and appreciation and my kindness towards all. My cousin and I one day were playing basketball and he wanted to quit. I said oh don't me like your dad. Because his dad quits games when he is mad. My cousin pushed me to the floor. I got up and said that was messed up and walked away. My ex one day was sleeping and her aunt went into her room and woke her up and my ex got upset and slapped her. I'm just saying I know how to react for certain things. I don't want you all thinking I'm just a crazy person or something... Im just a bit sad.

I don't think you're crazy Emo, I think you're obsessed. There's a fine line between the two. ;)

Read what you just wrote, your last post. You can't help but mention your ex. You have to give examples that include her. Do you realize that? Do you know why? Because you can't let it go.

You'll never figure out what happened or why it happened, because only she knows why she left.

When you can let the question "why" go, then you'll get rid of your sadness and you'll be able to move on. Until then, you're stuck being sad reliving the past.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Yes I do have a bit of an ego and a bit of confidence but it balances off with my humbleness and appreciation and my kindness towards all. My cousin and I one day were playing basketball and he wanted to quit. I said oh don't me like your dad. Because his dad quits games when he is mad. My cousin pushed me to the floor. I got up and said that was messed up and walked away. My ex one day was sleeping and her aunt went into her room and woke her up and my ex got upset and slapped her. I'm just saying I know how to react for certain things. I don't want you all thinking I'm just a crazy person or something...Im just a bit sad.

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You know what I think is very sad? Well, you probably don't know so I'm going to tell you.

YOU have posted that your ego and confidence are balanced by YOUR humbleness, appreciation (?) and kindness (and if that isn't egotistical, then I don't know what is) - and then you've gone on to brag about how well you handled things after YOU compared your cousin's actions to the (apparent) shortcomings of his father. You think saying something to the effect of "Don't be like your father" is a COMPLIMENT? You think that is appropriate or kind?

I think you are so wrapped up in punishing yourself or making yourself suffer or simply wallowing in self pity that you can't even see yourself.

Sad, indeed, and, again - I know why your girlfriend walked and I'll bet the next one walks, too, unless you change. You were clearly obsessed with a movie. Now you're clearly obsessed with a female. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...mes-94908.html

I think you have problems in that area.

Judykatetee... You are taking all of my words a bit too exact and looking wayyy tooo deep into them. You should stop lying and saying you know why my ex left me because if you knew the entire story I'm the jerk who stood when I should have left her! Your posts have not helped me at all. I can find enemies elsewhere but I still thank you for trying whatever it is you were trying. By ego I meant that I don't look down upon myself. Don't turn my words around and make me look bad. I'm having a hard time as it is. And yes I shouldn't say don't be like your dad and I haven't said it after that. I wasn't trying to be hurtful towards my cousin. Why would I? You are not getting what I was trying to say. I'm just nice. Its who I am and that's it. I can't get all depressed because I said something that hurt my cousin and that doesn't make me unkind. How is it that you view things? It's a bit strange to me. If little things like these are big deals in your life, I wonder how things in your life are. I may be down right now but this is the only area in my life not going well. Overall I am happy but I would love to get over this fast! Thank you.

Maybe I just have to stop talking about it! I am thankful for all your responses today Altenweg and all your efforts to help me. Thank you friend4u and amicon and smoothy as well! Thank you JudyKateTee. I have to learn to just let it go. Do you think a point will come where I won't care anymore and stop this torture?
I was bored yesterday so I planned a poker/football night and had a great time and I went to a party after and kissed a girl I used to like when I was younger... lol Nothing serious. I am going to the tyra banks show on Tuesday! I am nearly 100% finished with my room. I start school in 2 weeks and I'm quite nervous about that. Something new. I have to keep trying to see the good right?

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Maybe I just have to stop talking about it! I am thankful for all your responses today Altenweg and all your efforts to help me. Thank you friend4u and amicon and smoothy as well! Thank you JudyKateTee. I have to learn to just let it go. Do you think a point will come where I won't care anymore and stop this torture?
I was bored yesterday so I planned a poker/football night and had a great time and I went to a party after and kissed a girl I used to like when I was younger...lol Nothing serious. I am going to the tyra banks show on tuesday! I am nearly 100% finished with my room. I start school in 2 weeks and I'm quite nervous about that. Something new. I have to keep trying to see the good right?

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Talking about it is good, if you move forward. You're not moving forward in the way you think. I don't know any other way to make you see it, I've said it every way I can think to say it, but I don't think you're getting it.

Saying "I had a bad day because something reminded my ex" that's normal, natural and yes, it will pass.

Saying "I had a bad day because something reminded my ex and did I tell you about the time 2 years ago that she yelled at me because I had a surprise for her and then she denied me sex and went to sleep on my couch and I drove her home and she was mad. I don't understand why she was mad. Can you tell me why she was mad? I did everything for her, I was such a good boyfriend and she treated me like dirt. Why? Why? Why?". That's not normal or natural. It happened and you seem to want to torture yourself about every little thing that went wrong in your relationship. Why? It's over. Live and learn, move on to better things, but most of all, get your head out of the past!

Altenweg, its not me... I wish I could. Its my mind. It controls everything so I don't know what to do. It thinks and thinks about so many good times... I probably talk about the bad so much to try and change things in my mind. I'm just trying to take it a day at a time. I don't want to contact her or be with her even though I wish things worked out. I just want this to be over with. I do get it. I just need to pass this phase and fast!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Altenweg, its not me...I wish I could. Its my mind. It controls everything so I don't know what to do. It thinks and thinks about so many good times...I probably talk about the bad so much to try and change things in my mind. I'm just trying to take it a day at a time. I don't want to contact her or be with her even though I wish things worked out. I just want this to be over with. I do get it. I just need to pass this phase and fast!

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The mind often works against you. That's why I recommended that you stay busy, so that your mind won't have as much opportunity to put these thoughts into your head.

The next time that you think about her, about the times you had, I want you to do something for me. I don't know if this will work, but lets give it a try.

I want you to hear my voice, I want you to hear me saying "Emo, it's in the past, forget the past, look forward, step forward. Do it!"

Can you try that?

Then I want you to write down something about your day that made you happy, something that doesn't involve her at all.

I also want you to try something new every day. Even if it's something small like making your eggs in a different way, I want you to try something new and I want you to write about it here.

Okay?

We're going to get you over this bump in the road that you've turned into a mountain. You're just lucky I'm not afraid of heights. ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

I start school in 2 weeks and I'm quite nervous about that. Something new.

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Emo, you're scared of change and the future. Don't give me the 'I changed for her' story again. You didn't change for the right reasons and I think both of you knew it. You changed your habits to hold on to her and the illusion of stability your relationship held. She was what you knew and you are still attempting to hold on to the memories with both hands.

You need to make changes because they are good for you and they are what you want. You have been doing that and I am glad (school, your room, the gym... ).

When we face an unknown situation (or change) it is common for our subconscious to bring up old memories and thoughts. It is like looking at a wall covered in dots and seeing shapes and faces. They aren't really there. Our minds just want something familiar to have a reference point even if they have to create the picture. The pictures mean absolutely nothing other than you need new reference points.

I want you to keep an open mind about making new friends when you go back to school. Don't worry about how long they will be in your life or how much it will hurt if/when you or they move on. Enjoy the time you have with them whether it is one month or one decade.