Very evasive answer
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Very evasive answer
I started thinking more and more what you said tal, and you are exactly right. We are both grown adults, and yet we both are acting like 16 year old high schoolers, and playing the baby games they would play at that age. I do feel different now from what you had posted. And how I feel right now is who cares, get over it and move on.
Sometimes we do not have the luxury of wring our hands when positive action is needed. We can't let others dictate our lives and leave us fearful of what could happen. Just deal with it. Where the head goes the heart will follow.
What are the different stages of your emotions when getting dumped. It's been about a week and yes, I have been thinkg of ex but not hurting. Then all of a sudden without any motive I just started missing her so much. One minute I'm happy without her and now I'm angry at her for what she did to me.
I just got dumped a week ago too by my girlfriend. The first week was hell for me, especially because I ran into her at a bar with the "Guy friend that I never had to worry about" and they seemed to be more than friends now. I would say that the first few weeks are going to be pretty rough, depending on how long the relationship was (1.5 years for me) and how the relationship ended. I'm still in the grieving stage, but I'll let you know when I move on. Best of luck, I'm there with you... :(
You go through that back and forth stuff. I think it's the brains way of dealing with the loss. On a logic level their gone and even if it hurts you accept it but then on an emotional level you feel a void. I think that it's wise to make a list of things you can do in the short term to bring you focus to something else. It won't cure it but it will help you focus your attention on other things and as a result the thoughts will become less and less.
Also, I can't recommend exercise enough, it releases endorphins in the brain which make you feel better and it also helps to clear your thoughts.
The pain in my heart is gone now and I feel secure and confident within myself and getting happier and laughing more every day. I'm even coming out of my safe zone (my house) I can talk to girls and feel confident now to start dating soon. I'm just curoius about why I still think of her it's not really a missing or hurt feeling, but more of the thing of all the fun stuff we all did together. I also now wonder what she does sometimes and if she's thinking of me (but I feel OK when I think like that). And starting to think of what I would be doing this summer if we were still together some fun things we would have done but thinking now how she would boseing me around and the headace she would be giving me everyday. I never been able to get this far with my recovery with all the break ups she did with me. And a lot of people are saying how I'm changing (for the good that is) I guess my question is what part of the healing phase I'm I going through and is normal for their personality to change as time goes on. And is it still normal to feel a little jealous that one day she may be dating again.
The feelings are quite normal, but you will handle them in a mature healthy way.
Why? I have been thinking of her, but not as much as before the hurtness that I had inside my heart has been gone for about 2 weeks. But yesterday I had to let it out and cry from thinking of her. And now it seems like hurt is returning again from missing her. Am I going backwards now? I do see her for who she is now. But I still miss her even noing how selfish and hurtful she was toward me. I no I'm emotionally stable not to be friends or if she comes back take her back. So if I still miss her now 3 months later and I don't want her back would I always miss her. Because I would love to block those feelings for ever and I don't know how.
Not healthy to block feelings, but dealing with them in a healthy way insures that you will overcome them in time. Like we all have to do. Even questioning your own progress is a healthy sign, as it signifies you are aware of those feelings, and dealing with them, but not overconfident, or taking yourself for granted.
Nothing wrong with getting your emotions out a bit. I know now when I start to get upset about my ex at night, I liked to just go for a nice drive with the music on loud. Sometimes the music makes me angry, sometimes it makes me want to cry, but either way, when I get back I feel much better.Quote:
Originally Posted by SAB123
It has been 14 weeks since she broke up with me again and about 4 weeks of NC.The last time she drove past my house was about 2 weeks ago from what I have seen. I still try to keep myself busy, but it seems like the last week I have been missing her more and more.I know she is a golddigger and selfish, but I'm starting to blame myself for why she broke up with me. I thought of stuff that she said and did to hurt me but now I'm thinking of stuff that I did wrong and what I could have done to make this relationship work.
Maybe I should have told her how she was when we were dating/engaged. But it's been over 3 months and I some times hate her so much for breaking up with me but most all the time I miss and still love her very much. Does this still mean I want her back or am I just very lonely and miss being with someone. Or maybe I should start looking for a new best friend.
It's getting better but I still tend to talk about and/or bring my ex up to certain people. My ex fiancé son step brother came over to borrow some tools from me and I didn't want to ask but I did give in and ask if she was dating anyone. He said he didn't no (plus I don't think he would tell me anyway noing how I feel). But why am I still worried about if she seeing someone
I also think negative things about her like I hope she gets fat (which I heard she is :) ) and doesn't ever meet anyone, she goes bankrupt. And she no's I was good to her and her son and I want her to hurt and never get over me as long as she lives. Why if I still miss her am I also thinking negative thoughts about her. I just don't know what to do. Now I'm thinking maybe I want her back and I can not control the way I feel at this point in time.
Stop thinking of everything you did wrong as stuff you did wrong. Instead look at it as learning opportunities for the future. The human brain will always find what's wrong, so force yourself to look beyond that and learn from it. Look for what's right.Quote:
Originally Posted by SAB123
Furthermore, blaming yourself lets her off the hook completely. Didn't she have half the blame here. She's not perfect so start reminding yourself of that.
It means there is a void in your life that was previously there. Going through a break up is exactly like experiencing the death of someone around you. There is a void and it takes time to let it go away.Quote:
Originally Posted by SAB123
Your right, he isn't going to tell you anything. Furthermore he's going to run back to her and tell her that your asking about her which is only going to make it look like she can have you at a moments notice.Quote:
Originally Posted by SAB123
Ideally, you need to pull away from everybody associated with her for awhile. The first reaction to that kind of thinking is always "why should I punish her friends or family" but the only one your punishing is yourself by sticking around. Your in a strange way emotionally torturing yourself. The only way to stop this is to get away and let the emotions die down so you can think straight again.
Well the negative thoughts about her are natural. You want revenge and you want to even it out somehow for the emotional damage that has been done. I think this is where so many men lose it after relationships, in that they get these feelings and don't discuss them or distract themselves so eventually they act upon them. So give yourself credit, your at least discussing them and trying to figure them out. That's a huge step and it's one you should be looking at as a positive in your favor and not beating yourself up over.Quote:
Originally Posted by SAB123
The human brain is always going to have the negative thoughts. What's negative is always available. You are going to have to cousiously force yourself to start thinking positive to move on faster. That's why I'm always saying to people, learn from the pain. If you learn from the pain, no matter how bad, it gives it meaning and it has a purpose, as opposed to just being in emotional trumoil for months and suffering. If you can learn from your mistakes, and from your successes (because let's be honest, you had some successs in this relationship that your are ignoring which is doing you no service) then you can move forward with an education. Most people do not move forward with and education they just suffer.
Also make a list of things you'd like to do in the short term and work on them. Take a walk for a couple times a day for even just a couple minutes. Just move around a little. If you can take a long walk it really clears up you head.
Overall though I think you keep focusing on the negative which is normal, so start focusing on the positive, and write the positive down if you have to and hang it up so that when you get down, you can remind yourself of the positive. You can control your thoughts if you cousiously try so start doing that and replace those negatives with positives.
I understand your anger, quite natural, but to wallow in it is very unhealthy. You will never be happy, or find happiness with that kind of thinking at all. Start doing positive things that make you happy, and get off that pity pot. You have the freedom to be whatever you want, and being a negative person should not be an option you should be entertaining right now.
Need some Encouragement? Its been 3 months since she broke up with me again and for awhile I was doing very good with controlling my emotions and letting go of her. But the past week I have been hurting again and missing her. Well, yesterday I was doing some yard work and she drove past my house again. (It has been probably 2 weeks since she new I saw her drive past. She went out of her way yesterday to drive past my house. Then about a hour 1/2 later her mom drove past (I was sitting down and she was going some what fast then when she got to where I was sitting she slowed down. I did tell her I was putting my house up for sale first week of May when we where talking. (It's been probably 5 weeks of NC)
Is she doing this because she want to come back again or to really see if I'm selling my house. She said I'll believe it when the for sale sign is on it. Her biggest problem with me was that house because she had no part in the process And when I do see her I walk inside house. But yesterday when she caught me off guard she did look my direction the hole time when she did drive by. I No what type of person she is, but deep down inside I still love her and maybe I want her to come back for some reason. I'm thinking only the good time we had together now and how it would feel to hug and kiss her again. I'm afraid if she comes back I may take her back and I don't know why. I feel like she controlling me and my emotions again and it sucks. I read some post on here and their are people 1 to 2 years still hurting after a break up. Will I end up like them, still hurting and thinking of her.
If you already know it will not work, then don't even go there.
To let everyone no I'm putting my house up for sale tomorrow and kind of relieve the major work is finished. But I'm also concerned that know that the house is going up for sale the fireworks will begin with my ex. For the past 3 years this is the one day she always told me she couldn't wait for. Too sell that damn house. She no's I'll get a good chunk of change for my house. So I guess the next couple of weeks if she want's to get me back again she'll make it known. If she does I just hope it's by e-mail or calls I can handle not answering or responding to her. But my heart is not fully healed and I still miss and love herand her son very much. And if she comes to my house and starts crying for me I'm afraid I'll buckle like I always did when she came back. I just can't wait to sell house now and start a brand new life for myself. And with her and her mom driving buy more often I think she is missing me and wants me back again, I think she is just waiting for the house to go up for sale. And I do know my ex very good and this is something she would do. But only time will tell.
Trying to understand how you can be weak for a golddigger, that is just waiting on your money?
You make a very excellent point right their tal. I guess I'm not think with my head just my heart.
Please stop thinking and hoping. Watch a football game tonight or something. Don't think about her. I know it's hard but she broke up with you 5 TIMES! Enough is enough. One break is all it should take. Move on. You deserve better. Can u imagine making her wait 3 months? It would hurt you to know she is hurting, but apparently she doesn't care if you are hurting. If someone can go as much as a week from not hearing from you or caring how you are doing, imagine 5 weeks and it being done 5 times. ENOUGH!! Stop torturing yourself. You will find better. Especially that you are selling the house, have money and are somewhat happy of what will come, then enjoy that! Let this be your own time. You're an adult and you should celebrate on your own terms and give this moment to yourself. Congrats! You just need to enjoy this one with your friends or yourself. Don't think about her. Love is blind. Please... We all go through these times... We may be strangers but as humans I guess this world still has a lot of love and we want what is best for you. We know the pain and the best thing to do is move on. Moving on means to forget about her and look forward to new and exciting things. I wish I can shrink into your blood cells and be the cure you need. Good luck!
She is very maniplitve, and she no's when she drives past my house it will keep me thinking of her (It always worked with me in the past). I don't purposely look for her to drive buy but I have to keep up with outside of house. But when she does drive buy my emotions get the best of me.And I can't contol my emotions. I just can't wait to sell house then she WILL never control me again like she is now. I thought I had control but I guess I'm still WEAK. And my stupid A** is letting her do this to me and I don't know why. And I think I'm getting stronger because I'm thinking of my new house with out her being apart of it. But it's the great advise I get here that brings me back to reality. And you are rite if I loved someone I would NEVER let them wait as long as she did with me the 5 times. Thanks everyone!
You're not stupid. You will get through this. Just stay with us here... Well not literally but use us as a checkpoint. Live your life and ignore her then tell us how you are doing and we will keep helping. But don't give in because then we will feel let down in a way. We are in this together! I'm here for you. I know you are better than this. When your heart goes crazy, drink some cold water and wash your face. Have you tried writing your feelings and writing down how you feel and how she is hurting u? Then take it and crumble it with anger and throw it away. Do you go out? Do u have any friends?
I been out quite a few times and when I do go out I usually talk to a lot of girls. But I guess I'm very cautious for what type of girl I want. And Since breakup first month I was to scared to go out The only place I felt safe was at home. I have come out of my shell and can go out all the time now but I've been working on my house for the past 3 months. Now that I'm finish with it I'm going to put myself on the dating seen again. I guess I am a little worried about giving my heart to someone again. But I'm to the point were it's a priority to date rite away like I was in the beginning. And I did have ALOT( I was very popular) of friends before I met my ex within the 5 yrs I lost touch with a lot of them and some of my close friends now are starting to call me now. At first they didn't call because the no she's coming back again and they think they no I'll take her back. One of my best friends still won't call back to hang out. He'll call maybe once a month because he's sick of the hole thing. I don't know, sometime I think I can't believe she did this to me again. Maybe she did me a favor buy doing this again?
I think she is doing you a favor. It sounds like you also had to lose contact with your friends because of her. That is not at all healthy. I felt better at home as well. I'm starting to come out the shell as well. I'm also afraid of falling in love again. When the time is right, it will happen anyway, so we can't control that. Plus you still feel this way because you are still early on the process. You're doing great so far. Keep it up. Nobody can grasp the idea how someone can be there and then suddenly gone especially after the talks about many subjects and all. It hurts. Just hang in there. Believe me, this is the best route! You'll make it, I know you will!
That's how I am starting to look at my situation... Sometimes it's hard to see... but I really think I am better off without this person's lack of respect in my world. She probably is doing you a favor... maybe you'll see it more as more time goes by? There have got to be better people out there.
Hurtingalot is right. There have to be better people out there... There are like 5 billion other women in the world. Half of those must be better... lol
Thanks Emo and Hurting for putting back on the rite track.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
Tal please don't yell, but was mowing lawn yesterday too get ready to take pictures to put house up for sale today and again she went out of her way to drive buy. When I looked up I saw her and she waved (a trickeling of the fingers type wave) I hesitated but did a small wave back, close to my stomach wave back. I don't think she saw me wave back to her. At first I really didn't wan't to wave to her but I guess it was habit. Now that I have seen her I been thinking of her more intensely of all the good times we had together. I don't want her back but since yesterday I've seem to be missing her more. And if she did see me wave back to her did I just open the door for her.
No, it was just a wave. You really need to get out of that neighborhood. It is not helping you at all to see her! She has all the power. You are a man... You need to be in control. This is not healthy. Please try to keep moving on.
I'm still missing her a lot but you are rite I'm the man and I need to be in control because if/when she comes back I will be able to say NO!Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
Exactly. If you let her know you are hurting and waiting she will never come back. You need to show her you mean business... Heck, you need to show it to yourself! Move on. You think it's easy for me? I'm trying really hard too. If you hang out with other girls, pretty ones, and take them to your house and talk to them and have a good time, your ex will be forgotten and she will be jealous and she will know the mistake she made. She will regret it, maybe. If not then you were better off. But you won't know anything until you move on, and not care what she thinks of you. It's the only way to get yourself back! Don't let any person do this to you. You deserve the best. Don't grow up to be miserable and old. Be happy! Imagine being with someone else who gives you great sex, calls you and tells you they want to spend the night with you so bad. And that they can't wait to the next day to see you and go bowling or mini-golf. Or to decorate and paint the house together. She'll ask you if you want her to cook for you. She'll strip for you and make you happy, and then you treat this one right and don't make the same mistakes as before. And you make this one work, you give her everything she wants. The both of you will be happy. But you have to let go of this terrible situation and person before you find the perfect girl. You owe it to yourself! Live!! Live!! You're not promised tomorrow so go find your present!
Those who have read my threads know it's been a little over 4 months since my ex fiancé dumped me again. Why do I feel like I'm not getting any better. When I'm busy I'm fine but when I'm alone I still miss and love her so much. How long does this take. What if I never get over her. I don't know It just seems like the hurt in my heart is coming back again.
Im in the same boat with you man... its been 8 months for me. I have come to terms with the fact that I will always love her.
I would hold on to the hurt and the love so tight just so I could feel like I was close to her still... like somehow that made her still a part of my life.
It will be OK in time. I too think about her when I'm alone but not as often as I used to. I have friends that will call me and tell me to stop thinking and start living. Just give it time.
Do you still talk to her?
It's been 2 months of NC so far. She broke up with me 5-6 times and she is driving past house more often, she even had the nerve to wave to me last week. But every break up she plays mind games with me and then comes back.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sdjosh
Sure it is mind games? Maybe she just doesn't know how to let go and move on herself.
It sucks that she does that though because it makes it hard on you to move on. But keep doing what you are doing. No contact... its going to be hard but keep your friends close and call them when you get to down.
I know in my situation the reason its taking me so long is because she is still my best friend and we spend time hanging together. Haha... im sitting in the airport right now waiting for her to come pick me up. But in my case we both still love each other and want to work on it slowly... to see if we can work it out. Who knows... but I know I have to try. No regrets if I give it all I have.
Since you said that I thought of all the times she broke up with me and always said she was miserable without me. A couple of months after breakup I contacted her and wanted her back she said obviosly we both are having trouble letting go. But that rite when I found this web site and everyone here making me see her for what she is. But I can't get past her golding, selfish ways. But every time she drives buy I think of her more and she no's it?Quote:
Originally Posted by Sdjosh
You can do it brother. Be strong. If she can't get past being self absorbed and selfish then she needs to grow a little more in life. You guys have tried many times but it looks like she hasn't taken a look at the relationship and reasoned out why it feel apart. If she did so she may have gained some insight which could have prevented the multiple breakups.
You can't change her and if she can't take a look at herself to make the changes... then you are doing the right thing and moving on.
Where you from?
South side of ChicagoQuote:
Originally Posted by Sdjosh
You will always have a special place in your heart for your loves. I myself know I have moved on from the past and the only way you can do this is by having no contact. When you are a new an improved person with a new drive for life, a better understanding of relationships and especially - NEVER GIVE 100 % of yourself! Then maybe you will meet again or find someone better yet.
Hey saab, seen you around the boards a few times but not got around to reading your posts yet, I will make a point of doing so later on.
In answer to this question (bear in mind I do not know your back story yet)...
I think no matter who you are, what your experiences are, you will always miss the person.its natural, and it happens to everyone.
I left my ex, we had been together over 5 years, but over time I knew that I didn't love him anymore.I was faced with staying with him as I felt sorry for hurting him, or be a woman and tell him the truth... it wasn't the best relationship ever, he was very moody,he would get upset at me for the smallest thing, as in if his dinner wasn't ready AS soon as he walked through the door, he would then completely ignore me for up to 2 weeks sometimes, all this in front of our son... so I ended it.
Its been 6 years since we split up, and almost two years since I have seen him face to face.
I will be the first to admit that I still think about him sometimes,not in a "get back together" way, and certainly not in a sexual way.. just the general wonder how he is doing,where he is in life kind of thing.
It does get easier with time, the more time that goes on the stronger you will feel.
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