Well guys,
Bad news...

tinsign, your free to yell at me all you want, I know I deserve it now...

I ignored the text messgae to feel better. Later on in the night, she called me, I also ignored that. She left a message after the call stating that she just wanted help with a computer problem her family was having in the house (I am quite good with technology). More for her family than her, I called her and helped with the situation... which unfortunaly took about 30 minutes.

Through the duration of the phone call, she could tell by my tone I was not happy, and I did not once deviate from the problem at hand... I cut all small talk off as soon as she started it.

Well after the call, I feel like a total idiot, because I find myself thinking about her nonstop now. I know it was a bad idea, and I know I won't make the same mistake again. I can't understand why even though I was so careful not to bring anything up other than the problem, not even small talk, I am still hung on this. It just made my mood 500 times worse...

ARG

See man the no contact is for you! You speak to her it mixes up all the feelings man and it just hurts like hell! Shame on her for not respecting your feelings man.. just using you as a bloody emotion pillow!

Don't feel bad man at least you didn't say I miss you! Or anything like that.. just keep no contact now.. at least you can go out on a good note.. of helping people out :) think of it like that

Take care man.. and I've been there before.. trust me it will pass :)

Well, one last update...

Ive been thinking about it, and I think I know why it was tough for her not to contact me, and why I called her back later that night because I needed to straighten things out. The night we first discussed no contact, it was late, and I was pretty upset. It was a good conversation, though I wouldn't say it was handled in the most civil of ways. After having some time to cool down and do extra thinking about it, I still think it is the best idea, so I needed to call her and talk to her and have a good conversation and end on a good note. I just couldn't do the no contact aftern ending our last phone call on a bad note.

So tonight, when I talked to her, I explained to her that any ignoring her I was doing wasn't meant to hurt her, and I'm just doing it for myself, as well as her. I explained that she is thinking about herself now, and I need to start thinking about myself. I also explained that I believe if we keep contact, it will ruin any chance of us having any sort of friendship in the future, as I fear I will end up hating her.

I think the conversation went well, and we both know how upset each other is, though this won't change my mind about this. It sounds horrible, but it helps to know that it is just as hard for her as it is for me. While this floods my mind with questions like, "why is she doing this if shes so upset", I won't dwell and I will get on with my life, and trying to live without her in it. At least that way, when we do talk again in the future, I won't hold bitter feelings towards her, and I can work toward a healthy friendship.

Im feeling good about this, though I know it will be hard. I think I have finally wrapped my head around it all.

Does it seem wrong that being angry/bitter toward my ex makes it easier for me at times? I still feel for her very strongly, but when I convince myself that she is wrong, and that she is making a huge mistake, I get angry that she is making such a stupid choice. This makes it easier for me to cope, because I no longer feel like I have done something wrong... I don't see these feelings being permanent, as I have to convince myself to feel this way.

Does this seem like a bad way to cope? I don't want to harbor resentment.

Yes, I believe it is the wrong way to cope. Being angry/bitter does not help you to heal. I think it just prolongs the healing process. Forgiveness, and knowing that each person has to make their own choices and decisions in life, whether you agree with it or not. Excepting that others have already made their decisions. Learning to except it and wish that person the best. I think these suggestions and more is better for healing for yourself.

Anger/bitter and resentment are all emotions that actually hold you back and keep you from moving forward.

I disagree,

Getting angry can help you think about what really caused the breakup and realize it might have actually been for the best.

I agree with Jesushelper in that Anger and bitterness is a vicious circle and debilitates your healing. It is however a natural part of the grief process and will need to be ridden through and in time, these feelings will become much less frequent and more reflection on positive aspects of the breakup will surface. Acceptance takes time and that is it really, Time heals.. >Take it from me, I was where you were 6 1/2 months ago and I have come a long way, it does get better.

It is no good using anger and bitterness to reflect on why the breakup happened because then you are placing blame and this will only hold you back from growing and understanding why things happen.

Quite often, there is a reason for things like this happening.

There are steps to every breakup we go through, which is perfectly normal, but to cope by staying angry all the time is not one of them.
Soon you are going to have to realize this as it is unhealthy not to go through the healing process.. this way of you staying angry is not going to heal you.
You must let go of the anger or it will turn you into a bitter person, go through your process so you can be happy again

Hi sypher373
Geoffersonairplane has a great answer for you I believe.. Life doesn't give us set of instruction or a time plan, so it really depends on the individual how long any 'cycle' takes to work through..
Just be sure to deal with your feelings and not deny them.. And if at any time you feel your struggling there are loads of professionals who are there to help you through this and help you self heal..

Please don't stay angry though, I can honestly say it's a heavy bourden to carry through life, a real dead weight.. mean while you miss out on your own true happiness..

Good luck no matter what happens.. And well done for looking for answers it's a wonderful first step to a healthier heart..

I didn't want it to seem that I am angry all the time. I would say that most of the time I am quite understanding. I know she is doing what she has to do, and she has to understand that no contact is what I must do. I cannot allow her to tell me she does not want to be with me, but at the same time allow myself to be used.

Thanks for the answers everyone, I don't see myself being hung up on the anger... I think it is beucase I don't truly understand why this is happening, sometimes the answer "becuase I want to be single" isn't good enough...

Oh.. my mistake..
Im glad your catering to try and understand her feelings as well..
You sound like a sensible person, just trying to figure yourself out.. You don't sound resentful..
I can understand your confused state..
Sometimes it doesn't matter how nicer people we are, we still get a little dumped on..
I hope this break up doesn't damage yourself esteem, just because she can't see herself with you at this point in her life doesn't mean you aren't a fabulous person to be with..

I reckon your going to be just fine and come through this experience with a new zest for life!
Best of wishes for now and the future..

Babe.. if you want to cut the contact and you think its best you just must stop replying.. she will realise.. but be sure that's what you want.. is it time to really move on or are you still wanting to be in the whole siuation... its going to be OK sweetheart.. time is the best healer... your not a bad person your just hurting.. sending you my love

It is what I want, and I know I need to do it. Im not going to allow myself to be dragged along any more... Maybe well be friends in the future... maybe not. Time will tell...

Thanks :)

Im dion my best, and I'm sure you'll all be updated at some point

Thanks for all the help

"Its tough for me to start no contact when all I want to do is be there for her and help her"

Be there for her? She asked space. She doesn't wantyou to be there for her. She's dating other guys I a quite sure.

If you want her back you need to learn about playing hard to get. Being there like a lap dog will not bring her back.

No more Mr. 'Nice' guy - her gay friend can be there for her. You need to date other people as well.

Space 98% of the time means there is another guy involved.

Quote:

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"Its tough for me to start no contact when all I want to do is be there for her and help her"

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That is such a onesided view, and can't you see that it isn't in your best interest to keep contact, and actually push her further away. Yes it tough but for your own good leave her alone.

Your sure have a lot of questions sypher and its understandable, I just hope your learning along the way.

Oh gosh, enough about her and your pain, tell us what your doing about it. Is there anything positive in your life, new hobbies friends?? Are you paying attention to all that others are telling you? I understand the pain, and the questions but where the hell is the action it takes to get healthy and move on?? Sorry dude but I for one am tired of you beating yourself up.

Well tal,
I have finally realized that it seems when Id get upset, or have questions about it, I would jump into posting on here too soon. I have started to just take a step back and breathe for a few before I panic. I think I was panicing for a while, thus all the postings - and I apologize for anyone who is sick of that. I make myself sick when I read them all.

As for the situation, I have been going to the gym a lot more lately, healthier diet, just overall focusing on me. Its tough for me to go out so much based on the circumstances of my school, and its location, though I try to keep with the friends I have here more than be alone.

Ive finally disgusted myself to the point that I'm done posting about all my problems. Im sick of thinking about them and asking for help. From here, I am concentrating on myself, nothing else. There is no more reason for me to worry about everything, time will tell..

Again, thanks to all those who helped me through this, and sorry for being such a pain in the a** :) From here on out, I'm done with all the posts - Its time for me to man up and stop being a baby

You are feeling bad now, and I understand the need to express it. Better here on this forum than anywhere else, positive actions for the benefit of you, are what you need and that is why I came harshly to get you busy. I hope you understand that.

Absolutely,

I think I gave up being a baby to her, and I replaced it with being a baby on here. I really wasn't addressing the problem, I was just moving the feelings from one place to another, and that won't fix them. Im starting to feel better as time passes, coinciding with the beginning of NC. I hated the idea at first, it sounded so hard, but it seems to be working.

I understand what you were doing tal, and I thank you for it. Definitely made me think.

Stick by your guns. It is not being rude not to respond, especially after you've already made it clear that no contact is going to be the rule. Even if it is, you know that it's what's best for you and most likely her as well and it's what you need to do, so if it means being rude, so be it. Sometimes a little rudeness is justified and necessary.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sypher373

Guys,

As of a couple days ago, I asked my ex to discontinue contact with me as I think it was hurting me more than helping me. her as well. I dont think it was doing either of us much good to keep contact, as I felt she was leading me on, and she kept changing her mind about talking to me.

Well, since I talked to her about the no contact, she has texted me each day. the first time, she was telling me she was driving home in the middle of a storm, against her moms wishes...I ignored it, as i didnt see that as very important, but when she called me, I answered and wanted to make sure that it was clear that we both agreed to not have contact. She said that it was and she was now "facing reality" and it was really hard for her.

Well today, she has text messaged me again, saying "feel better", as she knows I have not been feeling well. I know this is just a kind gesture, but I dont know if I should ignore it, as I stated I want no contact, or if I should respond.

I feel like I should respond, becuase I dont want to be rude, though all I am doing is giving her what she asked for...space. If I ignore the text message, I feel horrible, as I am ignoring someone whom I still have very strong feelings for...

What should i do?!?

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I am a woman and I believe I can help you get her back if you want her, one you are not a terrible person if you don't respond in fact not responding would be best. What you need to do is first let any messages she sends roll off your sholders. She must see that your not all that tore up about the break, then if you truly want her back you need to close your eyes and vizualize the way you want things to be, then write it down in as mutch detail as you can, then reread it often, and believe it with every fibber of your being. I don't know if you believe in God but if you do God promissed what so ever you ask in Jesuses name that will God do and God never breaks his promisses. Good luck, God bless and protect you. Your newest friend Beverly Novak

Thanks Beverly,

But like I said, at this point I'm not thinking about getting back together with her. Im working on being a better person myself, and when that is over if she comes back to me, I will be a stronger person and it will be my turn to decide if I WANT her back or not.

Thanks for the support though

I am kind of going through the same thing, just give the time she asked for, just tell her politely. That way you know you can have piece of mind that you were not the cause of the time she wanted and that way if your nice about it, it will eat her up that you were not mad about it. I hate games, but sometimes you just got to.

So it a simple as asking God for it and he will deliver? Wow, the options are endless. Law of Attraction didn't work for me so maybe prayer will. Jessica Alba here I come.

Why do people want to win someone back? Maybe you can answer that for me Beverly. Why would anyone want to win someone's love? Wouldn't it be much more gratifying to earn it? I think it is quite sad actually. And I think it is even sadder that people are willing to hatch plans to help other win ex's back!

Skell,
I'd have to agree, that almost sounded like a religious recruitment speech when I read it, though I didn't want to start anything :)

Sometimes we all have to move on in life .We have to make tough decisions for those we love and to save ourselves some grieve as well

Your ex asked you for some space and obviously is confused in herself where she wants you to be . At the same time she may been as a friendly manner concerned for you.

You shouldn't feel horrible because your not replying her text message your ex asked for space and is using the time to be very confused about her feeling towards you .

Please try and move on .If she does come and see you or that out of concern or that then let it be her move to see you and contact you not the other way around .

Good luck

Yes skell... you put it best - there is no win back. It's earn it. And that can also be by giving her/him space - and then working on improving yourself.

That's my plan as of now...

Thanks everyone

Become a new you, reliant upon no one but yourself :)

Take pleasure in the small things in life, love can happen when your not even looking for it. My ex and me met at a random beach party. I wasn't even looking for love and I didn't particularly like her but it grew. Point is you don't know what is around the corner. So live for you and your friends, go out and party hard! Woo goo u

Thanks for all the insight guys, unfortunately I have one more thing to add...

Again, I am getting messages from her stating that she "is hurt beucase we have to do this" (NC), and hopes I am doing well. I know I shouldn't feel bad, because she is doing this to herself.

I guess I just want to know if you think I'm doing the right thing by ignoring these messages. It seems that in most cases, the one who initiated the breakup doesn't keep contact after the hurt one decides to go NC.

Well after reading your posting it made me smile as I have been there myself. What she has done is ask for space and then realised that she doesn't really want that and can't live without you so she is trying to be the casual one by sending 'friendship' texts to see if you respond.

Its all to do with attention. She craves your attention.

Don't text back because the more you text her back the more she thinks its OK and also it would be a waste of time telling her you are breaking off contact because she hasn't understood that before.

The other option is change your mobile number - call you phone provider and ask them to allocate a new number to you because you are getting nuisance calls and then make sure she doesn't get your number. That way you can have the space you need and she can have hers and if you want to give things ago again ring her but obviously from a landline because if she gets your mobile number again you could be back to square one.

Can't say I'm surprised...

Based on all the hints I have been getting from her before we started the no contact, I have found out that my ex likes someone else.

How exactly can she like someone else after breaking up with me less than a month ago. I don't know how she can move on so fast. I know you are goig to tell me that her emotional attachment was gone, and that she weaned herself off before I even knew.

I guess that isn't the point now, I just need to move on.

How do I handle the fact that she likes someone else? She has told him that she likes him, and she says "I dont think he likes me back", but personally I don't know if I can believe that, because after we broke up she said she wanted to be single and didn't want to get into a relationship... AND still claims she's not over me...

All my progress seems erased... I can't do it :(:(

Progress? Sorry but I don't remember other posts but come on, she has moved on, she obviously doesn't respect you or never cared very much while you were together. Forget about her and move on, and stop talking to her. Maybe in a few years you can think of being friends but anyone that dumps you, finds a new guy she likes in a few weeks and then tells you all about it doesn't have a lot of respect for you and probably just wants to see your reaction.

I forgot to mention a few details about the kid..

I heard these before/during the break up when we were trying to remain in contact.
He goes to school with her, so they share similar interests. I also know he was in a long term relationship and was dumped by his girlfriend, no more than a couple months ago. I also know he was hung up on his ex girlfriend for a while, and I think is just starting to get over it..

Seems to me that he might be trying to use her as a rebound girl... does that make sense?

It sucks that she's going to get hurt, but to be honest, she's hurt me so bad I can't say I feel bad

Yeah, exactly, they will probably have a temporary dual rebound thing but don't worry about it, you should hang out with friends more, get a new hooby. Really anything to stop thinking about her, it shouldn't matter what happens to her if she dumped you. You need to find someone new and never talk to her again.

Don't feel bad. It is what SHE asked for. She is trying to control you and so far you are letting her.

Don't sit at home brooding over it. Get out and exercise, do other things to take your mind of it for a at least a few hours or so.

You have to be strong.

All she is doing now is playing games. If she still feels this way in some time from now and you feel that things will be different and you have both worked on your issues then you can contemplate seeing / talking to her again. But right now all it is form her is games and a control thing. Not fair and will only end in more hurt in my opinion.

Thanks lowtax,

I wish it was as easy as you make it sound. I just don't understand how it seems all that time just got thrown out the window. And she has the nerve to say she "isnt over me yet" while she's confessing to another guy she likes him...

Its called a rebound.

And this doesn't halt your progress at all. Sure it is a little setback and it hurts but it doesn't change a thing in what you should be doing for yourself.

You can't control what she does and how she acts, but you can control how you act and feel.

As I said, it is a rebound and they never / very rarely work. But that isn't the issue. The issue is you and your recovery. Forget her and her childish antics. Look after No. 1.

Its OK. There will be many ups and downs. I promise you that. It is just all part of the process.