Quote:
Originally Posted by sfqt33
Sorry I should have explained it better.
But you said you are in recovery that's what I meant. :o
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by sfqt33
Sorry I should have explained it better.
But you said you are in recovery that's what I meant. :o
It's a well known concept that when you take away the alcohol from an alcoholic, you often get a co-dependent. While only you can tell if this fits, it is possible your own codependency is adding into this mix and jacking up the neediness and subsequently the hurting too. Besides there is some genuine grief that comes to all people who end a relationship (regardless of what it is) that you aren't dulling with drinking to factor in as well. Feel what you need to feel and it will pass, I promise, so long as you don't pick up.
Its really fantastic that you are so committed to your recovery and that is exactly as it should be, number one prioriity! I am sure you've heard in the rooms, the suggestion to stay out of relationships the first year -- a suggestion I took and understand now why they say it too. I did so much changing that first year that who I might have been with probably couldn't have accommodated it.
I can only tell you that over the years, I have had to pick between my recovery and other things more than a few times and so far with a lot of support from others, I've picked recovery which is partly how I got to 18 years sober. When we are initially so sick, we attract sick too-- that is a profound truth. But the really cool phenomena that I can now see looking back is that as I got weller (LOL, yeah well something like that!) the things (like jobs) and people I lost along the way were replaced with healthier versions, which was a very good thing too. It's the subtler part of the recovery process, which is much bigger than people think.
Take it easy, take it slow and focus on replacing the security-at-any-price you got from the sense of being a couple (even though she was not supportive herself!) with healthier support from your friends and sponsor, if you have one. I promise greater things will come later, when you are more ready for them. It did for me and countless others too. I hope this helps ease your sadness and that you can see the lesson in it. You done good, as far as I can see, which in recovery sometimes feels bad initially but this too shall pass.
Yes - you became dependent on her... keep reminding yourself of all the bad.
You need balance in a relationship and she wasn't willing to give that to you.
Wildcat,
Can you please explain to me a little bit more as to what you were saying?
Thank You
Often in unhealthy relationships there is a pattern of co-dependence where each of you needs and reinforces the others' abusive behavior. As you say, being in recovery and "taking care of yourself" are major steps and are no doubt causing you to confront head-on other self-destructive behaviors you've engaged in thus far besides alcoholism, such as unhealthy relationships. Also keep in mind that as you go through the recovery process you're probably in a very vulnerable time in your life which may cause you to feel somewhat emotionally needy. Are you involved in any type of support group as you recover from your alcoholism? A good strategy may be to confide in them about your relationship issues and allow them to help you through that as well. Although not directly related to your drinking in and of itself, support groups are designed to provide holistic support in all aspects of your life as you plow the way to recovery so they ought to be a great source of strength and support as you cope with the issue of breaking away from unhealthy relationships.
Thanks for everyone response. Yes, I am in a program and have been clean and sober for awhile. I just began a different program that is allowing me to look at "Me". It's weird because I am always trying to look at the other person, fix the other person etc. My behavior is changing.I am taking care of myself and other people don't like it. So, every time I made a boundary and she crossed right over it. I state my needs and she doesn't hear me. She would be happy if I had no friends, no life, but to be with her 24/7.
I tried to balance her my program etc. but, it wasn't enough for her. She always has a way of telling me how inadequate I am and how I'm not meeting her needs.
That she feels "alone" and not in a relationship. So, I'm hurting now because I realized I can't make her happy. I have to make me happy. It's just different for me.
You have consider your priorities at this stage and she should understand that!
Life's like that Sfg33. Don't expect everyone around you to understand you and support you. The best thing to do is find happiness within yourself, love yourself first, nothing is greater than that for you cannot give love to anyone if you're incomplete. There are lots of good things awaiting you... Someone better will come into your life soon.Godbless you.
"always has a way of telling me how inadequate I am and how I'm not meeting her needs. That she feels "alone" and not in a relationship."
Dude - RUN from women like this. YOU can't make them happy. Run!
It's NOT YOU. It's totally 1000% her. Believe me.
When I say remember the bad - remember her crossing - remember all these mind games stuff. I've been with women like this - has she been in an abusive relationship? divorce? parents divorced? bad chilhood? You'll never be good enough - this is a massive form of abuse.
Quick question - does she still want to be with you??
Relationships are all about compromise.
She is just NOT compromising at all and I can see it from what you are explaining about her actions, attitude and what she expects from you!
I can still recall passing through that codependency/dysfuntional wall to find the other side of healthy living. It made quite a few people unhappy at the time since I was daring to change without their permission LOL. We no longer fit and it was clear I wasn't going to revert to my old self so it eventually took care of itself as one by one of the "hostage takers" left. It turned out in the long run be one of the happiest and freeing experiences I have ever had and there's been no looking back ever since except to hold my hand out to the next one coming through in order to welcome them.
Welcome Sfqt33 welcome!
Hi again,
She claims she still wants to be with me, but wants me to PINPOINT specific days that I will be with her. She wants a schedule from me. She claims she " doesn't understand my recovery thing", yet she won't take any steps to try and understand it.
To answer your question Wildcat, yes she has been divorced ( abusive relationship ) and was raised in a alcoholic home. She herself however, does not abuse any substances, but her behavior is that of a co-dependant and wounded child.
Honestly, I believe if she trusted me and herself and focused on "her crap", she would appreciate the moments we have together and not demand them.:(
Yeah I kind of figured an abusive marriage/divorce... ughhhhh - there are some real creeps out there that treat women terribly, these women get into marriages without REALLY knowing the guy. I know kind of the patern. Then they make excuses for the guy.
Schedule? Hmmmmm - maybe plan a date night - but you have to keep hammering home what your needs are.
Is she in therapy? Sounds like she needs it.
If she can't understand what you need... well, more red flags.
Most recoverying people don't understand that they are changing and a relationship, healthy or not is in danger of being caught up in a whirlpool of emerging feelings that must be dealt with. Until you get to the point where YOU are healthy leave any other relationship ALONE. Now is the time to work on you. Don't pull anyone into this whirlpool. That's not fair because they have NO clue where your at or where your going.
With the sick people we begin to leave behind by healing, we can only suggest they look at what they are doing and join in the recovery process too. This is how Al-Anon was born out of AA long ago -- too many were being left behind because they didn't have a recovery process of their own. If, after hearing our suggestion, they aren't receptive-- then they aren't. And while I have to honor that choice from many of the people I dearly love and used to spend a lot of time with, I also have to grieve the separation it creates too, an ever-widening gap that my growth in recovery makes unavoidable. It seems I can't go back and they cannot come with and this is how my family and I became estranged. The gap simply got too wide, and as it did, they became nastier and nastier knowing they were losing me. It never seemed to occur to them that I was losing them too. I have found it a particularly difficult grieving since it feels like I do it utterly alone. But that isn't entirely true -- many people are with me in spirit who have been right where I am. It just feels alone. I ask for (and receive) acknowlegement from those who know what this is like and that helps. I understand how appropriate the phrase "courage to change" from the Serenity Prayer is now. Very very accurate.
There are people out there who are willing to understand and accept your lifestyle, that includes recovery and all that come with it! I see why she would want to know when you are going to see her... and that would be a great idea... but that doesn't really change the fact that she needs more from you than you are able to give right now... and her unwilling to accept certain things in your life makes it difficult to focus on what you need. Even if you give her what she wants, you don't sound like that is a good plan for you... don't settle! You don't sound like you want to be in this right now... even if you take a break to get some breathing room, that would be good too... decide later... breath now!
Thanks everyone,
It's difficult because I feel I am moving in a whole different direction than her. I hung out with my friends this weekend. I felt good. Went to meetings felt respected, etc. Then she calls. My problem, I answered.. anyway, she starts yelling at me saying if I loved her I would "come home" and be with her. I told her to mellow out and went about my day. Got home and there was all my stuff and my key on my porch. I don't even feel upset right now. I feel relieved. I didn't call her and engage in the game. Whatever, I feel so powerless right now.
I know she wants me to react and call her but I'm not going to. She just loves to tell my how messed up I am and how I am screwing up.
You have left her behind and so you'll eventually have to leave her too.
I think this is really good. She sounds like she may get abusive -you don't ever want that. SHe is very controlling.
" She just loves to tell my how messed up I am " - you don't need that EVER. You're not messed up.
Take the next 6 months to yourself. I think someone here mentioned you shouldn't be involved with a women right now anyway - let alone a controlling women.
Time doesn't heal the pain, but LOVE does. You just to find someone who truly loves you and all the pain will go away. But don't forget most importantly, you have to love yourself also. With billions of people in this world, trust me, there is a right one out there for you. Have faith.
Hi everyone,
It's been a few months but, I'm back. As most of you know I broke up with my needy, possessive girlfriend a while back. It has been difficult for me. I'm not used to being single but, I know if I hook up with someone else right now, I won't be taking care of me. Anyway, she is not leaving me alone. She is calling my job and came over a few weeks ago banging on my door and windows. I know she is hurting but, I'm not the one who can help her through this. She claims I abandoned her and her crazy kids. That hurts. I know she constantly plays the victim.
Anyway, I am feeling lonely too. I miss being in a relationship and having someone to call and talk to. Someone always there to do activities with and to call when I need support. Although I am in a few 12 step groups sometimes, it's just that emotional connection I miss. I know I am being tested right now, to get through this difficult time. I know I could pick up the phone and start the dysfunctional cycle with her all over again. The truth is, I don't love her or want her. I just feel empty and lost right now.
I need advise from you all on how to keep moving through this without giving into her. Thanks everyone for being here : )
Everyone who had a recent break-up misses the closeness. Unless they have no heart or conscience, everyone misses it. You're like everyone else. Some people miss it so much, they go back to something that was bad.
You broke-up with her. What is worse, being lonely and dealing with your lonliness, or being with someone who is needy and possessive who will cause you more grief again later?
Clearly, your ex has not changed. She's even clingy after you guys have broken-up. If you're so lonely, call your friends. Go out. Do something.
Personally right now, I do go out some, but being alone and digesting my pain and dealing with it is what I need to do. The pain and lonliness are immense, but sometimes you have to face that as well, in trying to move on.
When my break first happened, I was going out a lot, even went on a few dates. Now, 2 months later, I'm going out less. I'm still in pain, but I'm now dealing with my own pain. I don't talk about the ex with anyone anymore.
People never like feeling pain. You have too. I hate the pain, I wish tomorrow I wake up and it's gone. I hope so. But my ex is not going to be able to take it away. It would only be temporary. Same with you.
Very good approach cali, I was going to give positve feeback. Guess I made so many mad and now I have to spread my unconvincing love. You face your own fear in order for it stop from haunting you. Letting go of yourself freely will give you more wisdom.
Yes get out more to get your mind off these things. Who knows maybe you'll find someone else that is better for you while doing so. She clearly has not changed the least bit, and you shouldn't feel guilty at all. After all, you come first not her.
Thank you everyone,
I think the hardest thing is thinking that I am single and worried about Holidays and the future. I do know however, for me to get back together with her and or find someone else right away would end up in misery.
I know I have to be OK with me first before I can have a healthy loving relationship. I just feel somewhat empty and find myself wanting to call her to ease the pain. Help, I need other options and what about the no contact thing?
I know this may cost money. What you need to do is change your phone number. That is just a start. I know she is hurting and you are hurting as well. At the same time she keeps banging on your doors and windows and even calling your work which intern can cause trouble for you. I would suggest you get a restraining order. That is just my advice. It might sound funny but it would be for the best.
Joe
Run from this pscho and protect yourself and stay with your program, just that simple. If the police have to be involved so be it. I think obsessed people like this can turn dangerous so always watch your back and good luck with your program.
I have to agree with Tal and Joe here. This could turn dangerous. We are not saying it will, but by the sound of your post it sounds possible.
How about family and friends? They're always good people to call and talk to when you need support. That's a very normal need you have but you don't need a relationship to do it. Keep working on you like you said. Go out and do the things you enjoy doing, with your friends as well as by yourself. Take up a new hobby or dust off an old one. Take a class or a vacation. You'll meet new people and make new friends. Then you won't feel so needy of a "relationship."
Thanks again for all the excellent advise. Here's another question... What do I do when she is texting me and saying she is hurting,sad etc. I feel bad and sometimes respond. I really want to stop and start to heal but, I allow her to "Hook me in", over and over. I know I need to stop all contact but, it's difficult. Will this just keep the unhealthy cycle to continue? Now she wants to be friends.
Do you have automatic ignore list or auto eject button sitting somewhere behind your ear?
If you always give in to her sob stories you will always get them to get your attention. No contact with her period, hopefully she will get the message, but it starts witth YOU.
Hi everyone,
Well, it's been a few months now since I broke up with my psysco girlfriend. I ended up having to get a restraining order after she destroyed my property. She came to my house and the police ended up taking her away. It was a lot of drama. Anyway, she has left me alone now and my question is : Why do I feel so empty? I have never been single for more than 4-5 months in whole adult life. I am now in my 40ties. I know it's time to find me but, I get somewhat nervous. I know if I hook up with someone right now, it won't work. But, the pain is so difficult sometimes, I just want to "fill in that hole".
I want to stay single and focus on me but, it's really uncomfortable. I tried to go out with someone last week and I was so uncomfortable and disconnected. Thank you ahead of time for your advise.
Well you need to find out how to fill that emptiness up and that does not mean necessarily finding a partner.
1. Finding yourself.
2. Finding a hobby.
3. Enjoy quality time alone.
4. Enjoy spending time with friends and family
5. Concenrate on your career.
I could keep going :)
I am sorry for your traumatic encounter. I remember your posts from that. As crazy as this sounds... it really does work that "that hole" you speak of can be like a magnet for people like your former girlfirend so it is wise to be trying to do something about it. With all due respect to Krs's post, I would be willing to bet (if you are empty like I have been) that you do some of that list already and the emptiness remains totally unaffected.
If so, it may be that you need a little professional help in the "find yourself" process. What is required to help in circumstances like this is far beyond what is possible here at AMHD. I'd like to stress that people don't go to counselors because they are somehow broken or mentall ill, they go because they are regular folk stuck in some aspect of their development and facing a life problem they don't know how to solve. I wish more people would go -- the world would be a better place! LOL A good counselor helps you navigate getting unstuck, doing the task you need to and sending you on your way. It can and often is quite pleasant or so I have often found it to be. And the outcome can be pretty spectacular too. There is really nothing to fear and I would be happy to answer more questions about it or give some advice on how to find a good one, if you're interested.
You are so in touch with your feelings (one third the task) and telling yourself the truth (another third of the task) that I bet whoever you see will thoroughly enjoy working with you! If you aren't sure what to say in your first session, ask them if what I conjectured in the beginning of this post about holes and magnets is accurate. LOL Besides, they know what to say on a first session too.
Don't delay. Its one of those things that, in looking back, you'll be not only glad you did but wished you had sooner.
Thanks, yes, I am seeing a counselor and looking at this stuff. The thing is, I know if I get into another relationship the pain won't be so bad. But, then I loose me again and really it's only putting a band aid on the problem. I still don't have me and I know I would cling onto that person and only prolong this process.
Put relationships at the back of your mind right now, you are not ready and prepared for it and if so you are wanting a relationship for the wrong reasons, you said it yourself.. the pain wont be so bad.
You won't be healing your pain that way just surpressing it.
You are dead on the money about the band-aid thing. Hmmmm, your counselor should be helping you with that and if they aren't, get a new one! There are good ones and bad ones out there. If you don't experience some sense of relief or if you don't see yourself making progress over oh let's say ten visits then you need to see someone else. My take on how to gauge a good one is this:Quote:
Originally Posted by sfqt33
I need to be largely comfortable and yet a little uncomfortable with who I see and this is why... comfortable so I can reveal and really talk openly but a little uncomfortable which is a good indication they can get me in my bs, which is also very needed.
If I may ask, how long have you been seeing them?
Questions - do you exercise? Do you eat properly and take vitamins? Very important.
Do you love yourself? Do you enjoying being alone?
I need my down time a lot. I can hang with myself and be happy as a clam.
Yes, I exercise. At times I enjoy my own company but, I find myself " running" mostly on the weekends. Part of my sick thinking tells me, " well she wasnt' that bad", yes she was messed up but, I always had someone to do things with and love me.
I know sounds crazy but I want to get better, and to get better, I need to be honest here.
I do have a great counselor who really makes me look at all this. As uncomfortable as it is, I know I know I cannot go find a rebound relationship.
Yes, it would take me out of me, temporarily but, than what. I pick another psyco girlfriend and I have to get a restraining order. The cycle is unhealthy. I want to get better, to where I don't need a relationship at all. Especially right now. But, I feel sad and lost also.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:01 AM. |