Yes given that alcohol was involved it was handled very well. I don't think I myself could be as forward and stern given the situation. Your actions are inspirational :)
|
Yes given that alcohol was involved it was handled very well. I don't think I myself could be as forward and stern given the situation. Your actions are inspirational :)
Thank you very much. And yes it was difficult. It wasn't as easy as it sounds, but thanks to the comments on here I know how to react and I try to do the things you are telling me as good as possible. So thanks for all the replies. I know I still have a long way to go, but thanks to you my progress is a lot quicker! What I said before, it is me who is moving on and she's not by trying to make contact with me. Before it was vice versa. That's one of the reasons which makes me point out I'm heading to the right direction.
Thank you,
I think if you really want to you can also do this, but I don't think you really want. I had the same thing. At first I liked it when she wanted to talk to me, or I tried to contact her for a conversation. Now I just want to move on.
If you really want to move on, you can also do this. It is tough but you can also post on this website (helps me out a lot!), go hang out with friends, hit the gym (or an other sport/hobby to practice) you can also do this. For me it also helps going out with girls. Not as a rebound or something, just something to get your confidence flowing and to have a great time.
Also thank you for your respond, because when you say my actions are inspirational I don't want to let you down in the future haha!
Wow Brent! Great post again! Telling me all the facts again, giving me your story and imo the best part of your post the questions at the end. Really amazing post.
My ex girl told me that if we were meant to be we would come back together. At first I couldn't wait for when this was going to happen. But now, I don't know if I want to be with her again. Sometimes I ask myself the question: if she comes to me now, would you take her back. And honestly I don't know at the moment, increasingly my answer is no. Yes I still love her, but I'm having fun meeting new people and talking to girls even (sometimes) going out with them, what I wouldn't have done in a relationship. Besides that the fact that she's so fast seeing someone else is also helping me to move on. Despite what she said on Saturday and Monday that she isn't seeing him for a couple of days and just wants to be with me.
Your story is inspirational! I like the fact how you have moved on with your life and she still wants to talk to you. I still have a long way to go to get to that point. But I feel like I have moved on more than her. At the moment she is the one trying to get in contact with me, have a little talk with me or expressing her feelings about missing me and loving me. I will continue using NC, because it helps me out a lot and I already moved on a lot in my life. If you compare me now against 2 weeks ago, it is a major difference and everyone notices it.
I like how you asked me those answers at the end of your post. If you asked me those questions 2.5 weeks ago I would have answered yes. But now I answered no. I know that sometimes it will be extremely hard to stay NC, but in moments like that I come to this website and post on here and/or find any other distraction
Thank you for your time for giving me such an inspirational post, giving me some facts and asking me those questions. Helps me out a lot!
Haha thanks... And I am way ahead of you on using this website, I have a fairly long one on here as well https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...on-568418.html
And yes it does help talking with people on here, and the different viewpoints that they present are great and help put things into perspective. I find it has been easier for me given that my ex and I are a few hours apart so I don't really have to worry about seeing her. And for the last couple of weeks I have had no real desires to contact her, she has been the one contacting me every now and again. And I am pretty religious when it comes to going to the gym, hanging with friends, etc. So my activity level has stayed high just to aid in the process.
So continue doing what you are doing... you are on the right path :)
Yes the different viewpoints are are great. Really helps me to continue NC. I live just a 20 minute walk apart from my ex. So the change is pretty big that we will bump in each other sometimes.
Even though I'm on the right track some days are still horrible! Like now, I'm just reading all the posts on here to continue NC and to see my improvement!
Now I'm going to bed and I wish everyone a happy day/evening/night! :)
Wow, today was tough! Really wanted to contact her and meet up.. Luckily this site pulled me through my slump and I continued NC. When I woke up today I loved her again like crazy. The feeling that used to be so great and is horrible now, that you just want to hold each other and tell how much you love each other. That feeling! Had to go to school in the morning so I couldn't read all the posts on here and I just wanted to contact her. With each hour I just wanted to contact her even more. But I told myself wait 'till you get home and then you can read all the posts, it will help you. And luckily it did! The posts that the relationship is over, she's seeing an other guy, being her emotional tampon, the posts of amicon, all the other facts, the bad feelings I used to had when I contacted her, the idea of her being with him and me just stupidly calling(that would be really bad lol), how I would not dissapoint Wondergirl, that she's going through the same, that I have to stay strong and all the support I get here on this website pulled me through!
Can't say it enough but thank you everyone who posted in this thread! :)
Hey,some days are like that-you got through it-well done!
And it will get better,I promise you.
Stay strong!
(You could print some pages from your thread and read them when it gets ''iffy''.)
Yea no doubt about it there will be more days like this ahead... thats the reason why your doing NC because you are so emotionally involved with this girl and the only way to take that step back is by going no contact. And also she has been very clear in all her actions that she does not want to be exclusive with you anymore. No doubt about it she probably still loves you and misses you, but she def doesn't want to be just with you anymore and with the feelings you have for her, you have no choice but to move on by not contacting her so that you could be happy again without her in your life. No one ever said this would be easy that you will feel good every day lol, I think I told you in one of my first posts, you will feel like **** for the next couple of weeks and months and the worse part, even when your feeling good one hour iot could just hit you the next. VERY NORMAL. BUT, resisting these urges when you're feeling terrible will make you stronger after it passes and as time goes by, you're confidence will begin to grow because you were able to resist that urge. When your confidence grows so will you and you'll begin to feel better.I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, but its still a rocky road ahead no doubt. But at MINIMUM, no chance your initiating contact lol. Im sorry but no, initiating contact is not even an option. That your going to have to accept no matter what. Just think of it this way. Imagine you initiate contact, so you call her or text her wile she's with that other guy or any other guy for that matter... YEAAAAA see what I mean, I don't think so. Plus you will feel even worse afterwards. At this point your xgf doesn't know herself what she's doing and what she wants, that's very clear, she's just a lost girl right now... and when someone is lost the way she is right now, nothing you can say or do that will make them snap out of it. And once she does wake up (if she ever does) does not mean that you will be what she wants anyway, that's why you have to move on as if she don't care about no more in any way, never mind if she might still want you or maybe miss you, that will only drive you crazy. The bottom line is its either she knows she wants just you and to be with you (which is obviously the only thing we know for sure is not true lol) and anything else means you have to move on in your life as if she's out for good because of how emotionally involved you are.
Stay strong I know it sucks really bad... DONT CONTACT
Again thank you Brent! I am printing this page (like amicon suggested) to have it with me all the time. This posts just sums it all up.
Went out yesterday and had a nice night out with a couple of my friends! My ex wasn't on my mind and that felt good. Now the hardest part of the break up is about to come. School is almost over, only 1 exam left to do and I really have to study but I just can't! It is really horrible, I have all the time in the world but I just can't focus. Also I'm looking up against all the free time I have when school is done. Many of my friends work full time and can't hang out during the day. I also have a job, but it's just for 12 hours a week and I don't want to work more haha. So it is going to be interesting the first couple weeks after school.
Also I have spent my time a bit different this week. Last week I dated / went out with a couple of girls and it was fun. But I only had the feeling that I did this just to forget my ex girlfriend. I thought this was unfair to these girls so I refused to date this week. I wanted to know how it felt not to see a girl. One side of me liked it, I had the feeling that these girls were starting to like me and I don't want to let them down and I want to heal before I really start going out with a girl. But on the other side my mind was distracted and that felt good! The first 3 days of the week were fine and I felt pretty good, but the last 2 days I felt down. What do you guys recommend, is it possible to date a girl or is it best to don't do anything?
Thanks in advance!
Too,too early to date -just get to know new people-don't go down the rebound route.
Heal first-you're not there yet-and being single's fun-as you will realise in a while!
Can I ask if English is your first language?
If it isn't you could translate the page you printed into your mother tongue...
As for ''after school''-find a new hobby-interest to keep you busy when you're not studying.
For the other girl stuff, I def wouldn't start dating or getting involved with anyone that's for sure. You could get to know new ones and all but I wouldn't focus much on other girls right now, stuff is too fresh. If you happen to meet one you realllyyy like then OK, but chances are you won't find someone your so into so early.
Well done my friend. That urge to contact definitely likes to pop it's head in whenever you don't want it. Printing out some key things is definitely a great idea.
As for the other girls stuff... It is definitely good to get out there to build your confidence up, but just make sure to communicate to them that you are emotionally and mentally not in a position to get into anything serious at this point in time. If they still want to hang out some after that by all means go for it if you enjoy it.
Keep up the good work!
If you cannot separate notions of romance, needing a replacement companion from having fun with female friends, DON'T DATE.
One of the things we often forget, is intense feelings of attractions can often get us carried away and we think we are in love, and start following our hearts. This is only made worse by the object of our affections getting as carried away by their own intense feelings also. What a mess when the crush/lust wears off for one, or the other, or even both, after time has been spent bonding and dreaming and going along with a real good feeling.
What an emotional mess, as lust fades, and love grows, but most of us have no clue what the freak happened to those good feelings when they are gone, and don't have a clue what to do, or even be friends, or how to separate one thing from another, or even deal with even more just as intense feelings, but they don't feel so good at all. I hear it all the time, and its always the same response to their confusion. You must first understand, and be able to deal with your own feelings, before you can deal with someone else's.
If your feelings blind you to reality, imagine adding someone else's feelings and actions on top of it! Conflict and confusion, until you learn to cope with YOURSELF first, to keep a realistic prospective, and then you can deal with reality, no matter what it is. That's why break ups suck so bad, we don't deal with ourselves very well, so we are severely distracted and misled by our own thinking, or lack of it. Experience is a helluva teacher though, and we learn, or keep bumping our heads against a brick wall repeating old patterns of behavior, and thinking, that didn't work out well in the past, nor will work in the future.
Its never about who you date, or how long, but how you manage yourself in any situation. Successfully knowing how to do your thing, and staying within the boundaries of your own good behavior, not only keeps you balanced, but also confident, because you know how you will handle YOURSELF, no matter what happens, and are confident, and emotionally strong enough to take a risk when you have made a good decision, based on FACTS about YOU, and not just following intense FEELINGS, we all have.
That's what NC is really about, giving you a chance to get your confidence back by renewing your relationship with just yourself, so you can make those very important decisions to take a risk, based on FACTS, and not JUST FEELINGS.
The plan still may not work the way you thought it would, but at least you will know what to do when it doesn't. That's the difference between handling yourself, and being handled by your own feelings. It starts with being honest with yourself.
Then you can have fun with anyone who wants to share your happiness, and not be carried away by YOURSELF.
End of sermon.
Okay I see you are all against me seeing other girls. But what dwidrick said, if I communicate to the girls that I don't want to be in a relationship? Because I told them that for me it was just fun for an evening and I don't want to be in anything serious. They accepted that. I don't want them as my new girlfriend or anything like that, just for a fun evening and they wanted the same. That's also not allowed?
Amen to your post talaniman, but in this situation I'm being honest to myself and with them right?
What people say and what they want sometimes are to different things-what you're suggesting could come back
And bite you in the derriere-as someone might have expectations they don't communicate.
What I don't understand is your need to express such a sentiment after just meeting someone, any one, and not just have fun, instead of trying to warn everybody, you are not a good partner right now.
You assume that just meeting someone to have fun, and you do, and they seem to also, means it could lead somewhere? That's a self defeating prophesy. While you are being honest with yourself, to even have that kind of attitude from the beginning around strangers, means you are distracted by your own misery.
Don't try to get into a strangers head, through the filter of your own feelings. Just be yourself, and enjoy being yourself, and let time work for you, not against you. Then you can keep a safe emotional distance for your own good, and stop acting like a lonely wounded bird, I mean the last thing I would be doing, is stopping any future fun, with such a bleak outlook. Think of friends having fun, and not future romantic complications that exist in your own mind.
You are not dating and hunting, you are just making friends and enjoying and I would hardly call the experience a date at all. More like hanging out, wouldn't you agree? What's wrong with that? Act like you're single and love it, until you don't have to act any more, just love it.
After a break up, most people have to relearn the art of having fun, and being around strangers, as they unload their past baggage.
No Enlgish is not my first language. But I like to keep every message English because I think it will improve my English writing. I have no troubles to listen or hear it. Sometimes I just find it hard to find the right words and put them in the right order.
And yeah I'm making a to do list for the holidays, also the List of things to do after a break up helps :)
Your English is excellent-not being a native English speaker myself, I sometimes find that writng stuff in my mother tongue is more efficient!
Maybe you should plan a holiday... as in go abroad.
Talking, holding hands and a Power nap are not breaking up or not having a relationship, that is more relationship than many relationships have.
If she wants time and want to break up, then break up, don't talk to her, don't answer her phone and don't be there when "she just wants it" let her know that at this point you would want her back, but it is her choice.
So stop holding hands, stop naps, and stop talks, and don't contact her at all.
Then let her decide what she really wants
Well it wasn't like I planned to have sex with them or anything like that. Just one thing led to another. But I understand your point, just keep it at having fun, heal and the rest will come in time. I will follow up your advice because your posts has helped me so much in the past that I would find it really dumb from me not to listen haha.
Yes that's true, I have to be careful with that. I will take it slowly from now on. Just going to have fun and heal first.
There you go-sorted!
I don't understand were you get the holding hands and taking a nap together part from? But I understand what you are saying. Now a week of NC has gone by (it would be longer if she didn't talk to me a couple of times) and I'm not trying to get her back. If she wants to talk to me, I will only allow it if she wants me back and even then I don't know if I want to.
Yes I was referring to that link in one of my last posts. Absolutely great thread!
This evening I will go outside for a run and then I'm going to buy some new clothes (read that from the thread haha)
How has everything been?
OK here's my update for the week!
On Tuesday I saw her at the gym. She never ever went to the gym on a Tuesday morning and now she was there. When we walked passed each other we said hi and then I started to ignore her. Until she started to talk to me. She had heard that I had slept with 2 girls and wanted to know how it felt (I don't know why, but that was her question... ). I said it was nice and then she told me she slept with that guy too ( I didn't even asked for it). I don't know why, but I didn't feel horrible. Probably because I saw it coming. We had a small chat, I made her laugh a couple of times and she said that she missed that.
From that day on she's contacting me almost everyday with nonsense text messages. She had send me something about my phone contract, texting me messages like ''heey player, how are you doing?'' or other little things to keep in touch with me. Now here I have the same 'problem' as dwidrick, I don't know why but I reply to some of the messages. When we are face to face I can ignore her or stop the conversation, but with a text message I have some problems to ignore it.
I briefly saw her on Thursday at the city centre (I live in a small town, so we are bound to see each other at some point) and she told me how I looked wonderful, how she liked my eyes and that I looked great. I said thanks and moved on. Then later on that night she wanted to meet up with me and I told her I already had plans. She wanted to know where, with who and so on. I told her it was with a girl and she became all clingy. Wanted to know everything and asked me in a way not to have sex with her. I told her I didn't know what was about to happen, because I didn't want to have to explain everything to her. I already knew that I wasn't going to have sex with her, because I only want to have fun with some people(following up the advice from this site).
Then on Friday she was at my house, my mom let her in. I was still freaking asleep! She came up to my room and started to hug me, give me a small kiss on the cheek and again telling me that I looked great and giving me all kind of compliments. She told me she was going to Barcelona for a couple of days with her parents later that day and she wanted to see me before she left. We had a small chat, I made her laugh a couple of times and she said that she missed that. Then she started to lay next to me in bed all cuddly and everything, then I told that this was getting to close and she had to leave. Then out of nothing she told me she still wanted to go on a holiday in August with me (which we already booked, but I thought she cancelled that a couple of weeks ago). I told her that I don't know if I wanted that and she should give me some time for that. I was thunderstruck by that question so I didn't know what to say. Then she said goodbye and wanted to kiss me on the lips, I turned my head so it was on my cheek said goodbye, have fun and she left.
Well here's an update of how the week went by. All pretty weird imo.
I'm doing pretty good actually. She isn't on my mind 24/7, she isn't the last thing I think about when I go to bed and she is not on my mind the first thing in the morning. I have made some major improvements this week. I can see a life in front of me without her and I'm having fun again. I'm starting to find the old me! :)
What happened to NC?
I suggest you ask your mother to NOT play go between in your ex's little mindgames,and that you stick to the no contact you s a y you want.
Ignore the texts-every time you reply to one you're allowing yourself to stay stuck in the ''what ifs'' and the ''maybes''.
GRRR!!
Yeah it wasn't a great week of NC. Strange thing though, I don't have the what ifs/maybe feelings. Maybe its just temporary. I don't know what it is, but for me the relationship is over (I did not have this feeling before). I know that is a good thing, still I should hang on to NC before my feelings start to flow back.
I told her when she comes back from her holiday not to contact me in any kind of way, also told my mother not to let her in anymore.
Another thing what I find strange is the face that she still keeps all my stuff. When she was in my house she was surprised that I removed all of her stuff. She told me she couldn't do it. I find that very strange. I couldn't do it from day 1, but when I started to feel the relationship was over I removed everything.
I will keep myself again to NC and start to ignore her texts, I have read all the posts on this website again and it made it very clear to me again that this is the best option! Thanks.
It doesn't matter wheter or not she keeps your stuff-so stop pondering that one-in fact stop pondering anything to do with her.
NC NC NC!!
If you were honestly feeling good and didn't really care, I would say do wtv you want since your good and could handle anything to do with her, the only thing is that I doubt your actually feeling this way because you don't care, I think your feeling good because of how much she's been contacting you recently. Just a week ago you were in great pain, the only thing that changed from a week ago is her reallyyy contacting you a lot which is probably why your feeling so good. You were with this girl a veryyy long time, you loved her and were really hurt by the break up, that takes some time to get over, youn need a clean break from her if not your setting yourself up for worse pain. Now she's contacting you, but eventually she wills stop doing this, she's doing this because she has a hard time letting go and her ego was hurt that you slept with other girl, but not because she wants you back exclusively. This is trouble I'm telling you right now.
Unfortunately, as Amicon said, these are all mind games. Girls can't help themselves, they just have to do it, especially that she knows you slept with other girls its all a game to her now, your ex girlfriend is also a drama queen I can see, so she's in her element, she's feeding off all this drama. This is all a joke to her right now. I doubt that your feeling over her for real so you must IGNORE EVERY TEXT AND PHONE CALL. In person say your hello annd continue on, don't get into a conversation.
Your ex girlfriend is a pshyco by the way. She came lying into your bed wile you were sleeping, WOW. She's CRAZY. RUN.
I agree with brent on this one... my ex would never come into my house while I am sleeping and try to cuddle given the current situation. That is definitely a little on the excessive side.
And yes I do find it hard to ignore my ex's text... but for me there was like a month gap where we didn't communicate at all which gave me some time to get myself together and focused. Now at least when she communicates with me in the back of my head all I really think now is that it is a little annoying and on a friend kind of level. She is focused on getting her life the way she wants it and knows that she isn't ready to be with anyone let alone me. Sounds like your ex isn't even able to do that and is now hung up on you like you were on her. So similar to me in a way but also a little different.
Either way I know the feeling... takes time. Maybe try deleting her number so you don't know who it is and are less tempted. IDK haha.
Glad to see you are still doing good though. Keep it up!
Well I'm not saying that I'm totally over her. It's just that it didn't hurt me that much that she slept with some guy. And by her contacting me so often doesn't make me feel any better. When this happened before the maybe/what ifs came popping into my head, but that's not the case anymore. At the moment (maybe it's just a phase) I really feel that this relationship is over. I'm not saying that I don't love her anymore, because I still do and sometimes I still mis her. It's just that I finally see that this relationship is over and that I made a progress in the last week.
Thank you though for reminding me that she's playing mind games. It's easy to get your hopes up again and then you have to start all over again. That's one thing I definitely don't want to happen!
Oh and yeah it was a bit uncalled for she lying next to me haha.
I just think my ex girlfriend has no clue what to do. She told me she liked being free again, date/flirt with other people. But on the other side I just think she can't let me go at the moment. But what people said before, don't want to be with me exclusively. To be honest I don't really care at the moment. I'm glad that I'm making great progress and that I'm not falling for her mind games nor playing mind games myself (or am I by responding to her messages? ).
Like I said before, I can see my life without her again and I'm having loads of fun in my life again. Friends/family are telling me that they see glimpse of the old me and that I'm doing so much better. And that's a great thing to hear!
Oh, just received a message from HER parents! That she really misses me on her holiday and that she is crying a lot over me. Don't know what to do with this message. Should I just ignore it?
Yes.
Ignore-more mindgames-the only way to NOT be drawn in is
To ignore the entire family of players.
All right will do that.
Btw amicon, I love it how you always give a quick and a very good answer! In times like this, doubting to send a reply (or something else), a quick answer really helps! Thank you for that.
Thanks-we're probably in the same time zone?
So I'm awake when many others are asleep.. lol.
Good rule:Whatever they throw at you-when in doubt-DON'T.
Yea seriously, no wonder where she gets it from.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Remember, she dumped you so she could be "free" and she has not come back and said she fully wants to commit to you. She might never, she just likes the attention.
All that message says is that she misses you and is crying over you.. OK... we kindof already knew that, but in the end, that messages is alsoimplying she still doesn't want to be with you so in other words, she's not your problem. You are looking after yourself and what's best for you now, not what's best for her. She left you because she wanted space and now she's hurting, but still doesn't want you lol. Looks more like an ego hurt to me.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:36 AM. |