As you see the old thread was reopened and this update was added to it, and thanks for the update

I have been following your good advice to others so, I know your on the right path, just make a few adjustments to be less available, and you should really feel good about how you deal with those messages.

Thanks... I figured you would pop this back on the old thread.
I Appreciate that you feel my advice to others has been good. Just trying to help out :)

I know I owe her nothing but from what I have gathered from majority of the break/break up posts on this site the majority of them involve the person doing the break-up getting involved with someone fairly soon after, which shows that it really is over and that they have moved on from the person they cut ties with.

What of the scenarios when the person doing the break up doesn't doesn't get involved with someone else or has no one that they have been talking to while making the decision about the break? Obviously the fact that they don't want to work it out together and chose a break says enough at times too.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dwidrick

the person doing the break-up getting involved with someone fairly soon after

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And sometimes, the dumper has gotten involved with someone new BEFORE the break-up with the old boyfriend or girlfriend.

To me, it doesn't matter why I got dumped, all that would matter is what actions I took for myself, and for me its to leave them alone, and do my own thing without them. Plain, and simple.

Yes I know that can also be the case. I was just curious on everyone's opinion as I see a lot of these threads often have the person initiating the break-up getting close with someone right after or already are close with someone before the break-up.

Just haven't seen many where they actually stay single for a while after initiating a break-up haha

Agreed... just seeking some outside opinions on it :)

Hello dwidrick,

I read all the pages and I like the fact how you've moved on. How she's not constantly on your mind and how you express your feelings. You said that my actions are inspirational, but atm you've moved on a lot more than me. My ex girlfriend is on my mind almost 24/7.

How is the NC going?

Goodluck and it indeed seems that the majority of the breakers are involved with someone else very soon haha!

The no contact is good at this point. She occasionally messages me just to see what's up... Which I am still unable to stop myself from responding. Her family all loved me so they tend to ask about me still which I think makes it hard for her haha.

Thank you for the input. Glad to hear it :)

Unable??

Dwid-fingers slapped!!

No such thing as ''unable''...

Haha yes amicon you are correct. As usual :)

Consider your fingers un-slapped!

Here's a cyberhug >< instead!

Haha thank you... now all is well :)

So just a little update to the saga...

My ex showed up at my baseball games this past weekend. Wasn't planned, I had given her a schedule way in the beginning of the summer and never really expected anything to come from that. This kind of caught me off guard since I really haven't seen her in the last two months. Obviously just seeing her there brought back some of my physical attraction to her but emotionally I felt pretty much indifferent.

I have been doing great the last couple of months and any communication she has tried to start with me has not bothered me at all because at the end of the day I always new that she cared for me but did not want to be with me and couldn't be with me unless she got her life together and was happy with it and herself. I have come to grips with that and was and still am completely fine with that.

Well this was completely different on this day. She wanted to talk after the game so of course I allowed it (wrists need to be re-slapped). Long story short she ended up telling me that she no longer believed what she had been telling me a couple months ago. She feels that she is getting closer to her goals but doesn't want to get there without me. She wants get where she wants to be together and not by herself.

She didn't want to tell me this but felt she had to get it off her chest so that I knew how she felt. It caught me off guard as she has not had that outlook for the previous months. But at the same time it didn't hit me as hard as I thought... I have been focusing on moving on for the past few months so I really haven't had an issue not thinking about her because I knew she wanted to get her things together and I no longer wanted to wait around for that, and it was basically out of my hands regardless.

Why does life have to be so crazy haha.

And?

How does that r e a l l y make you feel?

(Never mind the slapping!)

I have wanted to hear her say that for the longest time... but in the couple months that I was finally able to let go I found myself knowing that I would be fine without her. Now I am unsure/afraid to want to go back to it. I know I don't want to just run back to her... its not that easy to just forget everything that I have gone through in these past months.

I actually feel kind of lost at this point.

Take time out and really make your mind up what you want to do.

You do know that you can be happy without her...

Problem is I have been talking with a new girl and let her in a little bit instead of using my head and telling her that I shouldn't. I never expected my ex to do what she did and really thought we were over and she would move on.
I will learn from this but I think someone may inevitably get hurt now and that is not what I wanted.

Perhaps I should tell this girl (who knows about my ex issue) that we should stop talking for a bit so I can clear my head.

Problem is yes-someone is going to get hurt.

Rebounding is not a good move-as the other person is likely to have expectations-never mind what they s a y.

It's never a good thing to become involved with someone when one has not healed 100 % from a breakup.:-(

I know... But I really did feel like I was over my ex. After those first couple months went by I never thought she would say what she told me this weekend and truly believed it was over. I barely thought of her and never was sad thinking of her or anything like that. So in my mind I felt I was OK to move on and talk with someone else.
Obviously if I am talking about it here that may not be the case :(

Too right-as long as you need to update on a regular basis,there are still issues.

Guess I need to break away from both for a little bit to re-evaluate.

Self preservation is the first law of nature.

You are on the verge of finding out your confusion is not about the ex, or the new girl, but where you are in relation to knowing about yourself, and how to cope with your own feelings when this crazy world affects/influences us. Just because the world, and the people in it are crazy, doesn't mean you have to be. Many of us older folks have gone through enough self discovery, and know when and how to protect ourselves against our own feelings.

You are getting there, but for now, be patient, as you learn to cope with those feelings, and confused or not, you will develop a plan that works for you, most of the time. Specifically, I would tell the new girl nothing, but would keep a safe friendly enough distance so I wouldn't get hurt, nor intentionally hurt her.

I stress it starts with some self honesty, as to where you are in the relationship with yourself. Its easy really, with practice, never follow your heart without discussing facts to go along with any intense feelings. That's where your confusion comes from, not knowing what to do about your own feelings. Nothing to do with anything going on outside of YOU!

So it matters not if the whole world is crazy. Its always about what you do about it. After you have defined yourself, to yourself, then you can define a strategy, and plan of action about dealing with this crazy world... and the crazy people in it.

Talaniman Rule - When you see a brick wall, think, before you run head first into it.

Of course you have to recognize it's a brick wall first. That's why self preservation is the first law of nature. Running head first into a brick wall damages your head, and prevents clear think, and gathering the facts... safely. The point is think before you act, on anything, so you don't hurt yourself. The brick wall is your own feelings, and banging your head against them will hurt you before that wall shows any signs of giving way.

Think of the best ways to cope with your feelings, so you don't hurt yourself.

I am happy with myself from the standpoint of my relations with friends and family, and feel that regardless of what happens relationship wise I am happy with that part of my life and always have them to keep me grounded. I think for myself I feel kind of stuck in that transition from college to real world lifestyle. I have a job out of college but I feel I still have some of that college mentality but at the same time want and look forward to that next step in my life where I can enjoy the "fruits of my labor" so to speak.

Thanks amicon and talaniman... you are both right and talaniman makes a great point about me still needing to figure out my own feelings. I don't really look at this incident as a setback as much as a learning experience because even though I used to date my ex... seeing her and talking to her almost felt like seeing her for the first time because I don't think of any of the complicated issues that caused our split before. So I know that our past issues wouldn't be an issue if we were to try again. But I do still need to figure out for myself what I am looking to gain from myself, not others.

If you don't stand for something (YOU), you fall for anything (THEM).

I understand that but is it wrong to want to take that next step with someone as opposed to on your own? Obviously someone you believe you want to with, not just who is convenient at the time.

It's always a good thing to be able to walk on one's own before attempting a tandem.

You're in transition-moving away from the ''college you'' into this so called real world-big changing times...

Understood... we shall see how it goes. Haha

Its not wrong to want that we all do, but those kinds of decision HAVE to be made after gathering facts, and not just going with intense feelings. Taking a risk is something best left for the self confident, who know what to do when a plan doesn't work out.

Those that are not self confident are afraid to take risks, so they live in fear, and learn nothing. But what if the one who YOU want to be with is unwilling, unable, to move to the next level with you? Its just not enough to want something, and a potential partner doesn't. What are you going to do, keep running head first into a brick wall? You have enough FACTS already to apply, and stick to the first law of nature.
Don't you?

Think about it, as this girls words sound great, but do her actions match? Or does she crack the door for you for her own personal agenda? You don't know, but you hope she is telling the truth. It may be false hope. Time will tell.

Thank you... that is the clarification to your earlier statement that I needed. I understood most of it but some of it was a little bit too philosophical for me to wrap my head around at the time haha.

You are right time will tell and you are right I do have the facts I need to this point.

I can get a bit carried away sometimes, can't I? :o

I'd rather have you a little carried away than not. That's what has made this site so helpful. Everyone wants to help the best they can.

I don't know guys I am kind of at a loss right now. Over these last 2 months or so I have barely thought of my ex and treated the situation as if it was over. This new girl I have really grown fond of but we haven't taken it to a serious level or anything.

And honestly when my ex told me that she wanted to be with me I was more indifferent than anything. When I left she was in tears and I didn't feel overly bad or good. I feel like it has been so long that I have almost forgot why we were apart in the first place and what it was that made us not work.

These are but residuals of old feelings triggered by your conversation (and personal contact) with her. Let them pass, without dwelling, or over thinking them, and you won't run the risk of making them more important than what they are, and feel the need to explore them further or act on them.

As to the new girl, GO SLOW, very SLOW, as just getting to know some one WITHOUT getting carried away, and committing to a stranger, will save you heartache, and problems later. Reality says that very few people leave a failed relationship, and have a successful one right after. So what's the hurry to start something that will fail, given the FACT you have not resolved your old issues from the last relationship.

Most people can't date without getting carried away, and get latched onto a new person very easily, and make them a focal point for their existence. DON'T! Avoid that trap by focusing on a social life that you enjoy, without commitment to anyone, no matter how tempting it seems. This gives you a chance to unpack your past baggage, and see ALL your options, and opportunities, and not just jump on the first thing that comes along. Make friends, and stay within the boundaries of good orderly direction, and behavior, so you won't be distracted, or lead away from your personal goal of healing, and improvement.

Thanks... and this girl isn't the first I have talked to since the break-up. There have been a couple before and one that wanted something more that I was not ready to give her. But I understand what you mean and realize I need to step back a little and not get carried away. My ex would like to meet up this weekend but maybe it is best if I avoid that and continue just chatting with the new girl and go about how I have been going the last month or so.

Avoid-the ex.

Step back-to where you were.

Like Tal said-get a social life that you enjoy-without ,however subconsciously,trying to replace the ex.

Ok?

Thanks guys... I realize even though I say I am good my actions show that I am getting a little carried away with some things. I will get back to the way I have been as of late... not committing to anyone and just enjoying the company of those who want it, and want to have fun with me.

Just wondering. Do you think its at all possible the ex has gotten wind of your adventures, and that piquéd her interest again? Or maybe she is trying to influence you away from moving on??

I have seen this more than a few times when you are unavailable to an ex, and jealousy, or selfishness is the main motivation, not love or caring. Hey they try to attract you back through boredom, just so you know. Many times when we get carried away, or confused by our feelings, we miss the truth behind words, and actions. All we see is what we want to see, or hear. That's why its important to have FACTS, before we make decisions, or get false hope.

Assuming, and presuming bites you in the butt, every time.

Well she asked from time to time how I was doing and I told her I was doing good and she says that's why she waited until now to tell me as she didn't want to ruin that for me. I did mention a couple of days before she came that I was talking to another girl but that it wasn't too serious.

She had tried dating and was talking to another guy during this time but was unable to forget about me and realized I am who she wanted to be with.

She didn't want to ruin it for you??

How noble of her-NOT.

And what a coincidence-this happens a couple of days after you mentioned the new girl to her-please don't fall for that old,pardon my French-BS.