If you don't trust her, you don't trust her. Stop trying to rationalize what she did and who she did it with. You are only adding to your own insecurities and confusion.

Quite frankly, I think she may be a lot more invested in this relationship than she wants to believe or let you see. You say that she doesn't know all about your past relationships, but I think she has gleaned enough to know that she would probably be history if she was anywhere close to what you consider 'moral' for a female in your culture.

You want to be different from the others. I would bet that she wants to be different from your exes.

I did the math according to the ages and numbers you have given. You say that you became sexually active at age 21. You are now 22. I'll be generous and give you the full 24 months. 24 minus the 5 months you have been with this woman is 19 months. You have had sexual relationships with 4 women and heavy petting with another for a total of five which means that your relationships have lasted less than four months each with no time for healing and moving on between them. You say that you have only had sex with women you had an emotional connection to. Do you still have feelings for those women? If not, then how much can she trust that you will still feel the same way about her next week. By your own track record, she should be history along with the others. I think she is still in your picture because you are getting something out of her telling you about her past exploits. I think there is something in her current behavior that appeals to you whether it is the challenge, the wanting to save her, etc.

You can't change her. She can't change you. You can sit down and discuss boundaries such as how you should behave with other women who might 'throw' themselves at you and when she should accept and respond to texts/calls. If you can't communicate with each other and there isn't any trust, then both of you should move on.

The trust is there.and I love her for who she is now. But what she did in her past.. is weird. I wanted to see a life with her ahead. But the thought that she has got drunk and given head to so many.. makes me change my mind. That's why I'm confused.

Reality Check Warning:

What's confusing?

She's been putting guys ****s in her mouth.
She likes it, you don't.

It doesn't matter how many ways you rationalise this so everything is OK to your soul (i.e. the guys took advantage of her) the facts are you two are not compatible (different morals).

Move on. Before this eats you up inside and you take her previous behaviour out on her at every chance you get, making her feel like crap.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to kaka67 again.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pboy87

the trust is there.and i love her for who she is now. but what she did in her past ..is weird. i wanted to see a life with her ahead. but the thought that she has got drunk and given head to so many.. makes me change my mind. that's why im confused.

---

What are you confused about? You don't like the way she has conducted her life in the past and it is a recent past.
You two are not a match. Move on. Time to get off the Merry Go Round. It's going nowhere

Today we kind of fought. And just to get back at me.. she went and started chatting and meeting up that one night stand of hers.. she said she had cut off contact from him.. but now because we fought.. she is back to him... just to get back at me.. I don't think I can take it anymore..

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pboy87

Today we kinda fought. and just to get back at me.. she went and started chatting and meeting up that one night stand of hers.. she said she had cut off contact from him.. but now because we fought .. she is back to him...just to get back at me.. i dont think i can take it anymore..

---

Sounds like she has deep-rooted issues that have nothing to do with you.

What do you mean??
She does go visit a pyschologist and stuff because of some childhood thing( she wasn't molested, but some other thing that she hadn't shared wth me.)
I don't know if I should take her or not..

What did you 'kinda' fight about?

Is she trying to 'get back at you' or trying to show you that she is independent?

Either way, it sounds like the two of you need to work on your communication skills or leave each other alone.

Sounds t me like she is who she is and is not going to change. This is what it is going to be like, and it's only been 5 months.
Is this what you want?
She knows what angers you and so she knows how to get back at you.
This is really messed up and you're only 5 months in to this.

Yeah.she knows how to get back.every time we fought,she knew how to get me below the belt..
She doesn't care what society thinks of her actions. Isn't bothered.. but at the same time.. she wants a societal tag with me.. like girlfriend. Contradiction.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pboy87

yeah.she knows how to get back.every time we fought,she knew how to get me below the belt..
she doesnt care what society thinks of her actions. isnt bothered..but at the same time.. she wants a societal tag with me..like girlfriend. contradiction.

---

Sounds like she is using you.
I don't understand why this is still an issue. You know what she is about and it bothers you, yet you just keep going back for more. Surely you are not that desperate. Desperation is not attractive.

I think you have to honestly ask yourself if you can handle the drama this female is putting you through. If this LDR is so complicated after 5 months, which is way too soon in my book, for it to be, then maybe its time to back up, and see things with more clarity, and leave all the feelings aside for a bit.I think you are allowing your feelings (lust is more like it) to confuse you even more than this female is. While I understand it, given your age, you are taking this whole experience much to seriously, and its clogging your brain like a toilet that's backed up. Flush it all down and take a week to see if you can think beyond the little head, and see what YOU are doing to yourself, because she really has no control whatsoever over you, UNLESS you allow her too. Before you protest and get confused, stop and reread your post, and you will see as we do, its all about how you have trouble coping with the way she makes you feel about YOURSELF, and your inability to understand and control your own feelings.

HINT: its never about the other person, its always about you, and how you deal with yourself in all, and ANY situation!!

HINT: its called growing pains, the process of learning about yourself, and COPING WITH YOURSELF!!

Hey thanks...
We are now just friends.. have put the feelings behind us.. till I'm a lot sure that this isn't just lust.. she is very sure she loves me.. but then again.. she can't let go of her past guys and one night friends..
We put all feelings behind and decided to be friends.. at least till we get over it maturely.. I mean life feels a lot nicer now.. that I don't have to deal with any issues.. and can just think if I really like her and want her and if we were just used to each other or more.. we still speak on the phone regularly.. she still calls daily.. every morning and night.. and we talk for hours.. though not like lovers anymore.. just on a friendly gossip level..
One question I wanted to ask.. Am I really taking this past issue out of hand? Am I the one giving it importance? Or would anyone else also feel weird if their girl had one night stands with their best friends in the past and still stayed best friends till date?

As a woman it would bother me if a guy I was dating had that history and still hooked up with those women, if he had the tendency to use it against me if we had a disagreement.
I would just leave him alone.
I hope you are not going to not date other people, sit around waiting for her.

Quote:

---

One question I wanted to ask.. Am I really taking this past issue out of hand? Am I the one giving it importance? Or would anyone else also feel weird if their girl had one night stands with their best friends in the past and still stayed best friends till date?

---

I think this is all you, as most guys that are confident, and secure within themselves, wouldn't be tripping about the life of their partners, past or present, they would just deal with it in the best manner for themselves. Which is what you are doing. I think your feelings are warning you to slow down, and pay better attention before falling too deep, to fast. That's called instincts, and obviously yours are working. Paying attention is all about being honest with yourself, and alert to what's around you. Only you know what you can handle, and what you can't, so listen to yourself, to protect yourself.

We spoke yesterday about why things were falling apart between me and her.. and it all led to that one guy.. I mean.. she says she was depressed and tried to drink and smoke her way out of depression.. but apparently ended up with that guy.. he just came to pick his beer from the fridge from the middle of the party, happened to see her cry.. hugged her and she started making outwith him.. so he took her to the room.. ( talk about luck and timing.. - yeah I am jealous of it.. because this doesn't happen even rarely.. )
She feels equations can't be changed after one night. People can't be judged after one night.. They were friends for 4 years before that.. the guy asked if they should start dating, the next morning,but she refused.. apparently because she didn't want to lose the friend.. as she thought that if she started dating, they would have differences and fall apart.. and she didn't want to lose this friend.. she also told me, that she was deeply emotionally attached to him as a friend.. and was emotionally dependent on him.. as they have always been the only ones there for each other in their bad times..
She met the guy recently and he realised that she was cutting contact with him and asked her if it was because I didn't like them meet. She didn't reply.. but she says he realised and started slowly backing off.. But when we fought.. she was the one who contacted him again.. and then both got back to where they were.. and that's when I couldn't take it anymore and had to breakup..
The one very big issue I had and still will have wasn't what she did.. it was her life.. her wish.. but I wished that I would be the emotional support for the girl I am with.. and not other people.. She says she is emotionally dependent on me as well.. that's why even after we have broken up she still wants to talk everyday, etc etc..
But it just makes me wonder.. we are very good friends.. we like each others company.. we are emotionally attached and dependent on each other.. its just that she has sex with Me these days and had it with that guy then.. what is the difference between me and that guy in her life.? She shares the same stuff with both of us.. Its not that I have a problem with a guy being her best friend.. Its just that after finding out what they did, it makes me sick.. that she still holds on to him..
She didn't care of what society thought about her when she continued holding onto that guys friendship even after what happened.. but now she wants me to give her a societal tag of more than just a dating couple as she feels like a 'keep' to me? Wow.. people know we love each other and won't think that way.. . and she says this.. whereas -im sorry to say- but people could have thought that about her when she stuck to her friend , without love, without any emotion, just drunk and doing it.. but then she didn't care..

Why do you bother with this girl. She has problems. She is seriously hung up in a weird kind of way with this other guy.
This relationship was just full of drama. Leave it alone.

Yeahhh.. Loads of drama.. well.. we are just friends now... and the problems are a lot lesser.. by the way,is it common for people to stay so close and emotionally dependent on friends even after one night stands and an uncomfortable boyfriend?

I think being so emotionally dependent on anybody is unhealthy. You add alcohol and depression to the mix and then another boy friend, it's kind of funky.
So are you going to be the friend with benefits?

No I don't think I would want to be a friend with benefits. We still love each other, just the societal tag is off.. ( for now atleast).. and when we last met she didn't feel like kissing me either. So guess we are just friends now..

You keep saying she wants a 'societal tag' that you aren't willing to give. What precisely is that 'tag'?

I am getting the impression that this is only place you call her 'girlfriend'. How did you introduce her to people? Do the 'girls' you meet after concerts or whatever know you were in a committed relationship?

You have a lot to learn about love and BS!! Right now you have them all mixed up, but trust me, it will eventually clear up when the lust, and "dependence" wears off, and you find more important things to trip on.

Comment on Cat1864's post

Well... yes.. I don't usually refer to her as my girlfriend.. our common friends do.. but I never officailly asked her to be my girl.. and about the girls I meet, I never am interested in them.. meet them just on the way or in the greenroom.

Comment on talaniman's post

Very true.. we are away now.. just as friends.. All emotions away.. to see what we had.. if it was true love we won't be able to stay away.. or we'll just move on..

New years approaching.. I don't Know what to do.. should I spend the new years with her? I mean.. she did all her drunk thing with her best friend just last year on new years.. I still can't get over the images she has put in me of those.. I don't know if I want to spend newyears with her.. really confused about it.. at times I feel I'll spend it with her and maybe if we do it that night those images of her with someone else won't bother.. but then at times I think.. what if I'm with her and all this rushes to my head.. I won't even feel like touching her then.. don't know what to do.. ( we are both kind of back together again).

My girlfriend of 7 months was feeling very low one evening. Some old time family issue that she had. Anyway,she was turning 23yrs old in a week and was very low and suicidal as she was to leave home by 23yrs old because of that family issue... She was scared about it and didn't know what to do and was thinking of killing herself on her 23rd birthday.
So she called up her ex boyfriend.. He was one of the few people who knew about this family issue of hers( I wasn't aware of it as she felt it was too early for me to know).. and he was the only one who knew about her suicidal tendancies( I wasn't aware of this as well).. as they were together for almost 2 years before he dumped her in a bad way for another girl..
Anyway, she had cut off all contact with her ex since he had dumped her.. around 1.5 yrs back.. and it took her almost a year to get over him.. had 2 rebounds.. and then we met.. and started going great and fell and love.. but, still when she was at her lowest point,she chose to call him up...
We had fought all day that day over some other thing.. she called her ex up and spoke to him and then thanked him for getting her out of that depression and suicidal thing.. All this while... I didn't even know she was depressed at something and was suicidal..
She called me up after she spoke to her ex and told me that she spoke to him and that she was suicidal and he talked her out of it.. of how its not worth ending her life for anyone.. and then she asked him where she went wrong with him,etc.. I was like ***.. I didn't even know she was suicidal.. and then she told me that it was because of her family issue... that she hadn't told me about..
She told me about the family thing on her birthday and told me she didn't call me up when she was low as she thought I would judge her family and judge her and leave her after knowing that she has suicidal tendencies..
It still hurts me to think that she called some guy who she was in love with but who dumped her so bad that she was in depression for a year.. rather than call me.. who really loves her and she knows it.. and she says that she loves me more than she ever loved her ex..
It just keeps giving me the feeling that she isn't over the ex yet, she keeps stuff he gave her.. his photos.. she still hasn't changed her passwords that she had given him though he changed his the day he dumped her.. She keeps telling me that she is over him completely and that I am the only one she loves 100%..
But then why would she call him up suddenly after 1.5yrs when she was suicidal rather than tell me about the whole thing.. and why would she keep his photos and still let him have her password..
Was the phone call to her ex boyfriend emotional cheating? Please help...

No it wasn't emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is when you have a relationship with another person, w/o becoming intimate with them, when you are involved in another long term relationship.

Tick

Thanks... but this still hurts a lot... what would u call this if not emotional cheating?

You need to see the forest for the trees...

If her "family issues" are so major that they cause her to be suicidal then I would rethink this 7 month relationship. Because when she's finished using the ex as her emotional crutch then you'll be next.

And do you really want that responsibility?

I would strongly suggest leaving her alone until she sorts out her stuff, because sooner or later, she will drag you down as well.

Well.. after she shared it with me on her birthday.. we sorted it out... that makes e wonder as to why her ex never helped her sort it out or help her view it this way... the issue isn't the problem.. the problem that hurt is that she called him up when she was that low.. instead of sharing the problem with me on that day...

I guess he was the first one that came to her mind when she was in an interrupted state. I guess that tells a lot, and you should take that into consideration if you still want a relationship with this woman. There will always be 'another'. Could you live with that ?

Comment on tickle's post

exactly.. that is what hurts so much... she called him as he was the only one who knew the situation.. and she didn't want to share it with me as she thought I would judge her and dump her.. and we were fighting anyway.. she says... she is very sorry about it and said she would never do it again and hence forth has been sharing everything with me... and we love each other a lot... but it still hurts..

Comment on kaka67's post

I really want to be the one she shares everything with.. and I wouldn't mind that responsibility.. the ex wasn't a crutch all along.. she called him this once.. after 1.5yrs of staying out of contact with him.. as he knew the problem... had they been in touch as friends I wouldn't mind it.. but this randomly she calls himwhen she is at her lowest, hurt me...

it was related to some family issue of hers that she hadn't told me about.. till that time... as she felt it was too early to share such a deep thing about her family with me in 7 months.. anyway, she was almost suicidal on that issue and instead of even letting me know about it she called him up and spoke to him.. And how she was feeling suicidal and all and he spoke to her and calmed her a bit.. and she thanked him for it.. I felt like I was a nobody in her life when she later called me and told me that she spoke to her ex as she was almost suicidal and only he knew of that trouble in her life and that she was suicidal at it and no one else.. and she couldn't share it with me just yet...


I really felt hurt, that at her lowest point she went to some other guy , rather than tell me about it..


I felt emotionally cheated on.. and till date I feel she emotionally cheated on me by going to some other guy who dumped her making her feel worthless..


Am I wrong in thinking this way??

Pboy, this may come off as harsh, but you haven't exactly been honest about your relationship with this young woman in this thread.

Are you finally admitting she is your girlfriend to her and in public? Obviously you still don't trust her.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...fs-523095.html

You have been judgmental in the past. You have held her past against her and questioned every little thing she does. It sounds like she isn't sure she can trust you with personal problems.

Understand that she may have needed to discuss the issue with some she didn't have to explain the situation to. She could say how she felt at that moment without having to backtrack and bring a person new to the problem up to speed. It sounds like she also needed to ask why he left her for another girl with less 'experience'. I am sure that and her more recent experience with you still has her questioning herself.

I have kept her past behind and love her for who she is.. and she knows this now... and yes I did accept her as my girlfriend and she even met my family... just a week before she called her ex, was my birthday and she made it really very special.. we stay in different cities.. she travelled all the way and dropped in at midnight , had booked a hotel room for us , etc etc.. We are kind of in love with each other...
And she shares all her problems with me.. but says she didn't share this then.. as she thought I would leave her knowing that she is suicidal and that I would judge her family over the issue and leave her.. She said she had to talk to someone and he was the only one who knew about this problem and that she was suicidal over this issue... she hadn't contacted him for the past year and a half and suddenly when this low called him up... this hurt me a lot...
She says she asked him what went wrong as she didn't want to repeat the same mistakes with me..

Its nice that she did all those things for you on her birthday... BUT...

When the ****e hits the fan who does she call? And its not ghostbusters and its not you.

She seems to have a few issues which are making her either depressed (which causes her to make out with her best friend) or suicidal (which causes her to call her ex). Which to me are just an excuse for bad behaviour.

If in the past you have been critical of her actions/decisions that may help explain why she didn't speak to you but I would still be hesitant and take it easy. Maybe she doesn't trust you to not be judgemental?

She has so many problems that you cannot help her with. Why, because you have so many problems that YOU need help with.

Two emotionally unhealthy people cannot make an emotionally healthy relationship.

Sorry guy, but if this is a preview of the next 7 months, you are in deep do-do!

Yeah. She did tell me that she didn't share the family issue with me yet as she thought I would judge her family... and she wasn't even sure if I wanted a future for us.. so she didn't want to give out such info about her family to me.. but she did after a week on her birthday.. She says she called her ex as she was scared she might kill herself... and since he was the only one who knew that she gets suicidal over this issue.. she called him...
She also told me just a few days back that she didn't tell me about her suicidal tendencies as shethought I would judge her and dump her for being such a whack job...
Anyway,her makeout with friends was before we met.. and she was lonely and depressed because she was dumped by that guy..
And she did think that I would judge.. that's why she didn't say it.. as I have judged her on her past sexual behaviour as it bothered me at first..

I don't know why, but since last night.. I have been having this feeling... that all this that I am hurt at.. is because my Ego got hurt that she called someone else...
I mean.. she needed help.. and she got it.. from whichever source..
I didn't know the issue and when she was depressed and suicidal.. explaining and giving justification about a situation must have been the last thing she wanted to do...
Anyway, this is just what was going through my head last night.. that all this hurt feelings are just because of my ego.. that seem to have been bruised..

Well.. she felt guilty about calling her ex.. and so called me up as soon as she cut the call with him and told me...
Anyway, since that day.. I am the one she shares everything with.. but it still is there in my mind that she called someone else... and I was holding it against her in the name of emotional cheating...

Pboy, put your ego in in its kennel. This isn't about you.

People who are thinking about suicide often do not go the people closest to them for help. There are a lot of reasons but it boils down to not wanting to hurt loved ones and scared of being judged or shunned by those they care for. Be glad she reached out to anyone instead of acting on impulse.

You now know that she has these tendencies and can encourage her to get professional help. Her suicidal thoughts and other behaviors may be symptoms of other problems that she needs to get checked out. She could very well have a medical problem which is not something you can take care of for her.

Emotional cheating is more than asking someone who knows your history for help.

She does go see a shrink... and is epileptic... and she is impulsive... a bit too impulsive.. she was planning to commit suicide on her birthday as her parents weren't going to be home.. so she was all alone... but she says.. that after she spoke it out to her ex.. she realised what a stupid idea it was... she wanted to speak about it.. as she believes that when you speak your ideas out aloud to someone,you sometimes realise how they are dumb and stupid...
Anyway, I'm glad she got help.. but what was eating me away was thinking that it was emotional cheating..