... it's only been 30 days...

... I've been doing really well with not going on Facebook or Twitter, but I have this bad habit of signing onto AIM just to see if she's online, knowing I can't talk to her.

I guess I shouldn't be doing this either.

Nope, you shouldn't.

No you shouldn't-so long as you do that you're still not doing proper no contact.
You will eventually get to a point where you can't be bothered trying to find out whether she is on aim or any of the social networking sites.

Hm. I didn't see it at first. But you're right, I'm not 100% NC if I'm checking AIM.

Did they change the way AIM works? You used to be online (and visible) to see who was online. So unless it changed, she can still see you online as well. Plus, it doesn't even matter. The question is, when are you going to delete her?

You are allowed to be "invisible" on AIM; but I've been making it a habit to be visible online when she's online, hoping she'd IM me. But I'm mobile enabled so I'm always available to receive IMs... it's hard to let go of false hope.

I've deleted random girls in the past, and I know it's liberating, it gives a sense of Power and Control. But... I'm not over her yet... I'm still upset over what happened. I think she's mad at something else; I think she saw my texts to other girls and that changed how she felt about me.

I'm saying I just want closure on that thought, but we know it's just an excuse to break NC.

... I keep thinking, if it were the texts, and if I gave her my explanation, things could be better.

But what is Better?

No matter what happens, in her eyes, I'll always be the guy she screwed to get back at her ex; and to add, I'm the guy she used, and maybe I'm still the guy she blames for everything.

Better is when you make a firm decision that you are going to do 100% nc and then work your way through the pain,the hurt and the anger so that you can emerge on the other side of this,having gained a relationship experience and, eventually be ready to meet and be happy with someone else.

Closure is something you must find within yourself,nobody else can give that to you.

Yes,she probably used you,but you need to realise that whatever her motives,feelings and actions,they are not important now.

You are,your healing and your future happiness.

Thank you.

... it has only been two months since my initial post.

I was just reminded of how cruel life can be some times.

Nothing bad in specific happened. I'm just thinking about the day I say goodbye to this cruel world.

Even though I realize there are other people out there who face horrible circumstances and live unfortunate lives, at the end of the day, I am selfish, and I care about myself.

It shows when I say, I don't want to be like this, I don't want to live like this; we don't always get what we want.

I am like this, and I am living like this.

I'm cruel to myself.

Thoughts are flooding my mind, and I'm drowning again; I want to stop myself, but I can't.

I get scared when I think of how I can stop myself.

And I'm just about ready to say goodbye.

You sound depressed.
Do you have people to talk to?

Make an appointment to see your doctor .

You need help,please get it.

Time to get back to the doctor guy, and get the meds adjusted.

You don't have to sit and suffer you know, and this is an easy, simple fix.

Just call the doctor now!

... I'm sorry for being Me.

I just don't want to be Me right now.

If it's any help,most of us feel that way from ttime to time.

I still say go see your doctor.

Don't apologize for being you, just do good things for yourself, like seeing that doctor.

... so I dug through my backup hard drive and came across my AIM Logs folder. Out of curiosity I found the chat history between my ex and I when we started talking.

I didn't know this file existed; I thought I forgot to enable chat history back then, but apparently I did.

I read through more than half of our conversations; we started chatting March 2010. I almost contacted her last night just to let her know I found this file; she knows I was looking for it because I told her about how it's weird I would disable logging; I back up all my SMS messages to my Gmail, keep old letters, pictures, etc. how could I forget to log our AIM chats?

I haven't finished reading all of our conversations yet. It's hard to read them because I just want to ask her why why why why why. I want to know what was she thinking; I want to know how she's doing now...

Okay, so now you are digging deep to torture yourself.

Call your therapist. She needs to know just how self-destructive you are being.

I know you want to read those logs and re feel all the pain all over again full force. DON'T, delete them without reading them!!

Seen your doctor yet??

You really don't want to be doing that-why create more pain for yourself?

The choice is yours,but what's so attractive about inflicting more set backs on yourself?

How's the therapy going?

... most of the time, when I see my therapist, I'm in a weird mood; it's like an hour drive, and driving can serve to reduce stress. So I'm all relaxed when I arrive, and end up not wanting to talk about "problems." Plus, a part of me really wants to feel better, and understands that all this is getting "old."

But that's the problem, I'm like half way there; I'm constantly drifting from feeling OK, to feeling like crap; one moment I'm distracted by good things, one moment I'm distracted by bad memories.

I'm still mad at myself; I still blame myself; I still feel rejected...

I'm still screaming, it's not fair, it's not fair, but at the same time... it is, whatever it is.

I admit, I have a self destructive personality, but the chat log isn't all bad... ok, I'm lying, it reminds me of how blind I was...

... she Cared. She cared to chat with me, even if it were to distract herself, or to get back at her ex, or whatever, at one point she cared.

That's attractive, to me at least. I mean, that's why I keep coming back to this forum, for support, thinking you all care; so thank you.

I visit or revisit the past because I feel lost; a part of me thinks I'm going crazy, insane.

The stuff I talked about in the past which was the future is now the present. Reading what I just wrote is crazy.

I need to know that everything is going to be OK even though it's not. I can't tell myself that, not for long at least.

I was talking to this guy at a bar last night, he's older, probably in his 40s; he was telling me about how he traveled the world, well to me it seems like the world; all over Europe, places in Canada, all the States, what an adventure right? He said he cashed out his retirement plan at like 28. I don't know where I'm going with this, but he said that's how he met his girlfriend, traveling. He said he met a lot of friendly people while traveling and had all sorts of experiences.

I'm not ready to travel; I don't know where to go, I don't even know where I am right now. I feel, if I'm lonely now, like this, what would it be like being lonely elsewhere? Plus, money is an issue... which I'm fine with considering because I used to focus on how to make money because my life was all about Time and Money; I had little of both.

Now I have lots of Time, and some Money. But if I had more Money? It won't change the past. That's the sad part. Give me a million dollars, it won't change how I feel about this girl, how I feel about my friend.

So if Money won't change me... then Time? People say Time will heal... yeah... but it takes time... and I'm impatient.

I was thinking about my parents last night, about how they're divorced, about how my Dad changed and my Mom changed and how it probably affected me.

It's not fair.

It will be okay guy, if you put as much positive actions into the next 3 months and a week, as you have thinking feeling and wandering clueless as you have for the last 3 months and a week.

It will be okay if you develop a plan that makes you happy, that is both realistic, and practical. Then do it!!

Then everything will be okay!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NeckerCube

...most of the time, when I see my therapist, I'm in a weird mood; it's like an hour drive, and driving can serve to reduce stress. So I'm all relaxed when I arrive, and end up not wanting to talk about "problems." Plus, a part of me really wants to feel better, and understands that all this is getting "old."

But that's the problem, I'm like half way there; I'm constantly drifting from feeling ok, to feeling like crap; one moment I'm distracted by good things, one moment I'm distracted by bad memories.

I'm still mad at myself; I still blame myself; I still feel rejected...

I'm still screaming, it's not fair, it's not fair, but at the same time...it is, whatever it is.

I admit, I have a self destructive personality, but the chat log isn't all bad...ok, I'm lying, it reminds me of how blind I was...

...she Cared. She cared to chat with me, even if it were to distract herself, or to get back at her ex, or whatever, at one point she cared.

That's attractive, to me at least. I mean, that's why I keep coming back to this forum, for support, thinking you all care; so thank you.

I visit or revisit the past because I feel lost; a part of me thinks I'm going crazy, insane.

The stuff I talked about in the past which was the future is now the present. Reading what I just wrote is crazy.

I need to know that everything is going to be ok even though it's not. I can't tell myself that, not for long at least.

I was talking to this guy at a bar last night, he's older, probably in his 40s; he was telling me about how he traveled the world, well to me it seems like the world; all over Europe, places in Canada, all the States, what an adventure right? He said he cashed out his retirement plan at like 28. I don't know where I'm going with this, but he said that's how he met his girlfriend, traveling. He said he met a lot of friendly people while traveling and had all sorts of experiences.

I'm not ready to travel; I don't know where to go, I don't even know where I am right now. I feel, if I'm lonely now, like this, what would it be like being lonely elsewhere? Plus, money is an issue...which I'm fine with considering because I used to focus on how to make money because my life was all about Time and Money; I had little of both.

Now I have lots of Time, and some Money. But if I had more Money? It won't change the past. That's the sad part. Give me a million dollars, it won't change how I feel about this girl, how I feel about my friend.

So if Money won't change me... then Time? People say Time will heal...yeah...but it takes time...and I'm impatient.

I was thinking about my parents last night, about how they're divorced, about how my Dad changed and my Mom changed and how it probably affected me.

It's not fair.

---

Necker - so much of what you described is exactly how I have felt before... actually, a lot of what you described still is true for me now and again. It sounds like we both have a real lot in common.

Here's what I've been learning lately that has been a big help to me in getting over a divorce.

First, you need to embrace what happened. You have to feel the pain of that loss and all of your losses in life for that matter. Your breakup... the breakup of your parents. In America we are so driven to keep busy that we often overlook our own souls and don't take care of ourselves the way we should. We keep on plodding along through life without taking time to heal from the wounds we have. Instead, only when the emotions and pain completely overwhelm us do we do anything about it. I commend you for seeking therapy. If it's not helping, consider that: 1) your therapist might not be skilled enough to help you; 2) perhaps you are not putting enough time outside of therapy into working out your problems.

Second, you have to be a part of a community of people who you can relate to. Honestly, group therapy is what has been helping me move on from my divorce pain and addictions that I have had. I won't say that it's easy because it's not... it's work. But I've found that when I reach out to people in my group for support, there are always people willing to reach back. It's one thing to find support here on the Internet but it's another to find support from people in "real life." You have to really connect with people face-to-face. Maybe you're uncomfortable with that. Maybe to put yourself out there is a little scary for you. Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Some of the best experiences I've ever had in life have happened when I was willing to put myself out there and get to know people. We will always move away from the things where we associate the greatest amount of pain with. Is it more painful for you to be alone and hurting or to risk a little something by finding a community of supportive therapy groups that can be there for you?

Lastly, I'm nearing that point in my life where I will be like the friend you described... cashing out my 401k and traveling the world. I've done it before and it was great and the time is almost right for me to do it again. But for right now I have work to do in my life before I am ready. The same is true for you. If you traveled the world over it wouldn't solve your problems... you only bring your problems with you. Seek group therapy and work on your problems and heal. Seek God.

Just know that wherever you are right now in this world, that you have a brother out there who understands your pain and is with you in it.

Go easy, my friend.

Vaya con Dios

What isn't fair here is that you keep doing this to yourself.

Yes,mending a broken heart takes time,but a better option would be to actively work on NOT going down Memory Lane.

Yes we care,so start playing a different record.

The glass is half full,not half empty.

Thank you.

... that's how things Were, and I don't want it to Will Be.

... my Perspective on Life is Depression... and most of the time the Glass is empty, not even half full. So I'm walking around with this empty Glass and I want to fill it with Something... at least that's what it feels like...

... maybe I need to put this Glass away... or is it that it gets full but I drink too fast so it always stays Empty, or that it's a shot glass so it's easy to drink from, so it stays Empty.

But this small glass, it's easy to spill, and so I Spill...



... and I spill so much I'm drowning...

How's the therapy going?

You need to get some balance in your life-yes there are ups and downs but why would you choose pessimism rather than hope?

Just curious...

Therapy is going fine.

For some, happiness is a choice. But for others?

I not one for debating whether we are in control of Ourselves; though I believe in Will Power.

And I'm having a hard time writing because these past days, last week, was Weird.

Note first, I screwed up the timing of taking my medication because of my crazy sleeping schedule, or vice versa.
But I've been in a different mood, I didn't find myself moping and lying in bed disabled, I found myself scouring the Internets... shopping.

I was distracted. I asked my Mom two weeks ago to help me with monthly payments for a motorcycle... or course she said no. Random fact, I've been licensed for 3+ years... never got a motorcycle or ridden one ever since.

So I figure, I need to Ride. You see, I've always felt stuck in the middle in Life, I'm not completely Numb. Nor do I feel completely Alive. Around this time last year... I felt Alive.

Anyway, so no motorcycle, not now at least... so I asked for help with building a Desktop. I've always wanted one for myself; I've built one for my Dad, but this time, it's Mine.

My Mom said Ok, so I distracted myself on Newegg and Amazon. At the same time, I don't know if I mentioned this, I'm learning the guitar again, and finally got my classical back from the shop, so I've been playing that thing... and around the same time I had the bright idea of shopping for an electric guitar and found one on craigslist and bought it the next day... and around the same time I browsed studio controllers, specifically one for Ableton, specifically the official one... and... accidentally bought that too. And around the same time I thought how awesome it would be to own my very first website... and so... I registered with bluehost and now I have a domain. (Not going to reveal it yet because there's nothing there). But right before that I sparked an interest for Podcasting, and right before that I sparked an interest in HTML, CSS, PHP, JavaScript, and the works... and before I continue...

... what makes me sad the most are my Parents...

... but anyway, and before web coding, I thought about social networks and how myspace is crap because they don't let me private blog anymore. I distracted myself and now I feel weird.

There's another Skeleton in my closet, and it scares me. But it's so scary I don't even want to think about it, or talk about it... a part of me just wants to talk about my new interests.

But... deep down inside there is Hope and that's the problem. I'm not one to challenge Hope; I actually feel the need to give Hope to others, that's one gift that I've always given, even to strangers. Because in a way believe if I can do certain things, so can others.

And now my thoughts are all over the place... I need to find others that will want to do things with me, I need to figure out how to do the things others would want.

I'm at work, and business isn't so great, so I'm scraping by with $ and splurging because my dopamine/nor-epinephrine levels are wacky.

This is not a tech forum, but for kicks, here's my desktop build:

Asus MoBo M4A889GTD Pro/USB3 with a 6 core 3.0ghz AMD square thing on it dram-ing up 16gb of ripsaw ram all in an Armor tower with 6 fans. I'm waiting for a good deal on a GPU, but if you read up on the integrated one on the board... impressive... especially when I over clocked the whole system to run at 3.850ghz 5 cores, and 1000mhz for the iGPU.

What's crappy is... internet is slow at home. And I'm not a gamer. But if I'm running Ableton Live and Fruity Loops and GuitarPro and Audacity and perhaps GarageBand or Pro Tools all at once... I figure I need everything to run smooth.

See. Distracted. But I also feel good about that purchase... all that, including an Asus 23 inch HD monitor... and 1TB hard drive for less than $1000.

It seems like I'm writing SEO copy, haha.

Anyway. I bought a used Ibanez RG350MDX.

And I say accidentally bought an Akai APC40 because I didn't know how eBay offers/counteroffers work. It's a deal after the seller accepts an offer, so it surprised me when eBay told me that I owe so and such money...

I need more stuff... more distractions, more toys pretty much... like a keyboard, well keyboards, both kinds.
And a mixer which I'm eye-ing one with an audio interface from Behringer.

A camera for Podcasting...

Porn is a billion dollar industry... Bluehost does not support adult sites, and I'm not making one, but I thought about it.

I mean, my work consists of search and affiliate marketing... I wonder how much this site makes off AdSense.

Anyway. If I don't get too distracted... I'll be back... but... Hopefully, I won't.

... oh yeah... it's only been like two months since my initial Post...

Retail therapy, and one helluva hobby. :confused: I am impressed,:D and jealous! :o

But happy for you!! :)

Good for you-and good luck!

... Thank you.

But I guess I spoke too soon because Health Care is screwing me right now; as of this morning, I'm off meds until my (former) doctor "faxes" the pharmacy to authorize my medication, the extended release version because my new insurance requires doctor approval...

This has happened before in the past, but this time, it's different because the med was just settling in; that's how it works pretty much, a couple months of crazy ups and downs and then a cruise into months of plateauing which I feel like I've just entered last week, so this is not the right time for this mishap!

If I am lucky I will be on meds again next Wednesday. But I doubt it, so I'm worrying it'd be a week a more. Then I have to, for a lack of a better phrase, endure the break-in process of ups and downs again, perhaps even some crying, I get horrible tinnitus, ringing in the ears, and my face drys, but I deal with it because this med, well when it works, it works, and I feel it's working, but now it's not working because I'm not on it... hell, I'm freaking out.

I'm not going to pay full price for the meds, it's ridiculously priced. And I won't be able to be retroactively reimbursed by the insurance company because I am technically not covered right now.

Sigh.

And I don't know if it works like this, but I've already found myself moping and unable to sleep because I was thinking about the past, and this morning I felt different, and I've checked AIM again, and I've checked her stupid model profile, and...

Just this one time I lag, and I wait until I run out to pick up a refill... is the one time the health care system screws me.

About time!

PS. You don't have to run FL/Garage Band and Protools at once and when you're not recording, Audacity is useless. I'd say Ableton is all you need in a daw + a few more editing options maybe. Your beastly desktop can easily handle the editing, even if your connection is slow.

All this to say, glad to see you took a step towards the rest of the world.
2 months is a very small amount of time to expect huge changes. Be patient, little padawan, it is happening.

EDIT : About the medication, can you ask your doctor to prescribe them anyway? Or pay for them just for this time until you figure out how to deal with the insurance?. Can you try not using the meds and see how you're doing? :confused:

Please, contact your doctor and find out if there is anything his/her office can do or suggest to help keep you evened out until you get your prescription filled.

It's good that you are finding interests and they should help you weather this storm. Good luck.

See if your doctor has free samples to hold you over until you can get through the process.

... and crap... my second Futureme letter from the past arrived in my inbox...

... and I can't even pay for them because of a double whammy, my other insurance that covered the XL form med ended, and the new insurance does not cover the XL form, so technically I am not prescribed the medication, so authorization from my doctor is needed, but the system lags (my doctor is part of a medical group). Actually, I'm going to try calling my doctor now, it's lunch time, so maybe I can leave a message; I just hate dealing with medical front desk.

I've already made a note to never stop taking meds impromptu.

I did that last year, cold turkey, and spiraled into where I am now. Plus, I am more concerned with start up again, it's a shock to the body to start and stop these type of medications.

Thank you for the concern.

I'm freaking out already. I want to talk to her again. I went from not checking up on her last week, to making up for it like 10 times in the past 24 hours.

I'm wondering what she's doing, I'm obsessing over the fact that she's probably hanging out with my former friend, and or partying it up for Spring Break... I'm even thinking crazier thoughts... like what's she's doing with other guys, and what's she's doing... and well, what is she doing right now!

PS: The Internets suggested Audacity, which I'm familiar with, for podcast editing. I'm Fair with FL, and will be learning Ableton. Any recommendation on good video editing software? And a jump start to web design? Or even some where I, we, can side discuss my Project to build Momentum? Please lead me on to distract me from being foolish and stupid.

... yeah... the withdrawal is affecting me badly.

I don't want to miss her, I mean I wasn't missing her so much, but now, now I just want to go after her 100%, so I am constantly having to remind myself not to, I mean actively.

It's feels like I'm having to remind myself to breathe.

Have you asked your doctor for samples? Have you asked him for emergency help? Maybe the emergency room is where you should try next.

Going to the ER would be outrageous.

All this is sorted out, thank you for the concern.

But, I'm on a different version of the meds, the SR, sustained released form, taking in two pills. Hopefully it works the same; generic brands tend to differ in side effects.

And I don't know, I'm finding myself thinking about her more and more and it's annoying because I know I shouldn't but I keep wanting to know why she really left me, because I think there is something else and it bugs the hell out of me.

And it's not just that, I want to know stupid things like who did she go to the pre Oscar party with, and who did she spend Valentine's with, and what is she up to now...

Damn myself.

Glad you took care of it, and I think you will be okay once the meds have a chance to work. Then you can be focused on your system you are working on. Intriguing concept actually.

... yeah I'm glad I got all that sorted out; I don't ever want to stop taking meds cold turkey again, but there will be a point when I really feel like I don't need medication anymore, hopefully I override my impulses.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately, probably 3-4 hours a day, but I'm fine, well maybe I'm not, I don't know.

I spent hours installing my graphics card last night to find out I just forgot to plug the motherboard power cable back in... so that's why my system did not boot up at all haha.

My Ableton controller came in yesterday as well, but it's going to take some time before I learn how to use it... huge learning curve, so many buttons and knobs.

Session yesterday wasn't so great; I find myself trying to distract the both of us so I can talk about misc. things and avoid talking about things I shouldn't be talking or thinking about anyway, but that's what therapy is for, it's for talking about these things and bringing them to the surface; it's about opening the closet, bringing out the skeletons and sitting with them, comfortably.

But I'm in a weird mood... maybe it's the meds.