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"It's just been torn off for 6 months of an obsessive destructive relationship."
"was the best thin that ever happened to me."
2 opposing thoughts. See?
The only best thing is that you are learning a major life lesson here. To become a better human being.
I marked every day of NC on my calendar for 3 months. Then just the month milestones for 6. Then the one year mark.
Then, didn't need to mark anything.
I was marking as well... Since she signed online to tell me she doesn't want me in her life anymore and to respect it. I marked 17 days then gave in yesterday and e-mailed.
No begging, nothing in the email, just some reflections of growth... but it knocked me down more. Got me thinking about her more than before. This NC is really making sense. Really making much much more sense.
But I had been gaining in confidence, been rebuilding myself identity since I Posted here sunday- very much with your help... got so confident I contacted her to show my confidence. Then it knocked me back a bit. Gave me some hope because she checks her e-mail trash for emails from me.
Going to be strong now, real strong. There is someone out there that can make me feel special. Like my previous GF who I had to end things with because of distance. In the back of my head I kept thinking "why is this girl so perfect, yet I am feeling so ****ty and wishing I was someone else." Honestly, once she kissed that celebrity I never trusted her again. And not trusting someone in a long distance relationship for a few months is a recipe for resentment to build. I built real anger for her, and when drunk or stressed from school I let it out.
Ok, well, start marking again.
This time, stick to it. Who wants to keep starting over & over.
This all will prove how strong you can really be.
No you can change. The universe has just given you a gift.
Take it.
Van you are absolutely right. Put a 1 on my calendar again. In 28 days I am moving, will be a change of scenary. That's my next goal. Get there (and ignore her if she contacts me on my birthday in the meantime).
I got tons of friends that care about me, family, co-workers, even you guys giving good advice. And I'm hung up on the one person that clearly doesn't.
Honestly I feel like I threw away something great, but hopefully this therapist makes me realize I threw away the trash.
YES!
Now you're talking.
Use all the positive support groups you have. That's what loving friends & family are for.
Don't forget to enjoy yourself too. Get out, have fun.
Make that part of your agenda.
Therapist told me I dodged a bullet.
Nice one. They sound like they were straight up.
Keep with it. Therapy takes time. Its incredible to get lots of advice. Especially ones that stick.
Like lots here have said, this was wrong, not right. Obsessive, selfish and immature. Insecure.
Remember your OP title:
"Destructive addictive relationship help"
And you're handle:
"Outoftime44"
You already knew.
He told me I am doing the right things, it just takes more time. It was just an introductory first session. We'll see what happens in the rest.
I told him how I still feel I could do it right with her. I don't like to lose, I'm stronger than that. But we'll get into it more.
He laughed out loud at a few things and said I don't have any pathology.
He also said given the circumstances of intensity, what was going on in the rest of our life, the extreme emotions, and abrupt ending, it is not a surprise it is so hard right now.
"He told me I am doing the right things, it just takes more time"
Good start. Doing the right things are NC & seeking help.
"I told him how I still feel I could do it right with her. I don't like to lose, I'm stronger than that"
You isn't going to do it right for her. Forget that notion.
But hopefully will for yourself & others around you later.
What about you?
This isn't failure. Just a lesson.
Im not sure I know anyone that likes to lose. But I l know when to bow out gracefully, with respect. (years of sports, fights, bad tour gigs & crappy gf's I guess, hehee)
"Im stronger than that"
Yup, yes you are. Prove it.
"That" being her & this.
Well I will no contact, but I see her everywhere... Know how much fun we had doing things... Know how I loved to hold her. I can't imagine it is gone forever if she came back at some point. Even though it would be sick to let it happen.
Just got to heal, no contact, and close the gaps that made me so needy. Become a better version of myself from when I met her.
As crazy she was , I was too
"I can't imagine it is gone forever if she came back at some point"
You keep saying that. C'MON. Actions, not words.
You "seeing" her is in your head.
Not in front of your eyes.
"it would be sick to let it happen"
Are you screwing w/all this? Not sure. You don't seem serious. Just asking & not listening.
Doesn't matter. You will stay in this rut & play games until your inner self will say:
Enough.
For you to decide how to live tomorrow.
I've decided I'm moving forward. Nc nc nc. But if she came begging back sometime in the future I don't think I could say no. Hopefully I'll be over it when it happens.
Then you better start right NOW, just in case.
It's been up and down but I've been taking the right steps and the therapist said a month is early to evaluate considering the extreme intensity. So that is positive. But as you all know it is not all rationale. I loved her regardless of her being over emotional- someday she will realize it if she hasn't already. But my feelings obviously are of no concern to her right now, while hers are to me- so that imbalance has to stop. She put up a wall much easier by making me a complete villain, which is false, but I bought into it.
My biggest fear is finding someone else who I could love being with so much with such intensity. At this point caring and being with a girl to her level is outside of my comprehension right now.
But nc is clear and obvious and I'm moving forward growing everyday.
"But nc is clear and obvious and i'm moving forward growing everyday."
Good, man.
Its OK to feel pain. With pain comes enlightenment (if we listen)
Just know that this is a process.
Sometimes, when Im really down, I say, bring it on, I can take it.
One thing that may help you is to stop projecting what you think she thinks.
.
I mean believing things in denial.
Like, "someday she will realize it if she hasn't already"
Who cares? Not her. Why should you?
You are THE most important thing on this earth.
Remember that.
Hmmm true, I'm making up things in my head. Wondering how she could turn on me in a second. I need to pretend she is dead, not project her new life without me. She showed no love to me, no sensitivity, and some of it was my fault... But she never had my back and I couldn't trust her.
Problem is I have really grown and learned a lot on how to be a more complete person in these 5 weeks- so much more growth than the lifeless person I was before, I want to share my growth with her.
She didn't turn on you in a second. You broke up how may times. I forget now. You were half. Just in denial.
Stop making stories up. Facts only, my man.
Stop that thought process.
Yup she is dead. Have you experienced a close death before?
"I want to share my growth with her."
That's where you need to stop. She is no longer in your life.
Sounds like you don't wish to realize its over.
You got to do that first before anyone can really help.
You are right. The denial is hitting harder. It was much less, now it's becoming more. I'm finding it harder and harder to believe she is out of my life forever because of all the stupid **** I did. How we gave it so many chances and I couldn't trust her despite loving her so much.
Believing it's over for good is going in reverse, nc has become harder not easier. Bad has faded and made me angry, I don't know why I'm regressing... I really poured my heart into her and her into me. I can't stop my mind from having some hope no matter how hard I try.
I just mean the second third weeks were easiest. I felt moved on. My confidence has really come back, my ability to live my life has come back this week- but so has my desire for her.
Is this a natural cycle? Seems the farther I get the more I should move on
I would say its normal, given that feelings have a way of being brought back by people, places, and things you have shared. Sometimes the surprise of random thoughts, and feelings from the past makes them seem more intense, or meaningful than what they really are, and sometimes WE are the ones that make meaningless thoughts more intense, or real, than they deserve, But over time we get better at coping when they do pop up.
Thanks for the feedback. Part of it is I am back in her hometown for a funeral... A lot of reflection because I was here with her last and just thoughts about being a better person and dying. I really turned into an awful person in the course of our relationship... Completely different from the normal happy person I was a year before when we bonded.
So my ex's close friend is in a sorority with my best friends sister and apparently lies are going around about me saying that the things I text messages about not wanting to marry her, I said in front of her parents and called her a slut in front of her family. Really it was over Text message at a donut house. Should I call her out on her bs?
Damn was in her hometown at a funeral all day, reminded of her, and broke nc again after getting pissed on the lies spread. Called her on them, she responded, and me back again. My denial is getting worse.
That's why you go NC. Completely. Bet you feel like an a** now?
If you hadn't heard all the text message bull**** more than likely you would have gone to the funeral and that's it.
That's why they say NC. Stops your guts from churning and gives you a chance to let the emotions settle.
Until that happens you will be on a rollercoaster.
Listen to the advice you've been given. Read some more threads and you will see a pattern.
It wasn't until most people went completely NC did they start to heal.
You're right... back at it once again. NC again.Quote:
Originally Posted by kaka67
I was in her hometown where I got sent home on the train, at a funeral (my relatives are from that town), and find out she is telling lies about me to make her look like a victim... my friend tells me he is hearing I called her a whore in front of her family... Pissed me off because I never did such a thing.
I'm sick of being the crazy one, while she is the victim. That is not the case.
You're exactly right though... Texting her is a horrible idea and makes her feel good and me like an ***. Even though I was fed up and wanted to call her on her lies she is telling. Against all better judgment, I went for it.
Don't care about what she says or does anymore.
That's on her how she conducts herself.
Be the MAN we know you can be, ignore her childish games, and just get on with looking after yourself and leave her to it.
Karma will come back and bite her on the a**.
I hate to admit it, but I was kind of hurt, that someone I still care about, and was really supportive for, would now feel the need to justify her breakup with me by telling lies... I panicked a little after she broke up with me and did the typical dumb stuff, but I was nothing but nice while she tried to bring me down. Intentionally, after the breakup, put the screws in me. Then to find out she is portraying me as a psycho guy calling her a slut in front of her family, when in reality I texted she was a slut at a donut house after finding out she lied about making out with a celebrity! Way different stories.
I got to stay away. Thanks for the information.
Woke up today and couldn't go back to sleep from anger... Anger serious anger for all the things she did to bring me down, for hurting me on purpose, for making up lies, for making me feel like **** then walking away. I don't know why I care so much, but I want her to resolve the anger as well. It is a messed up emotion. Wanting the cause to be the cure of the anger.
Ahhh.. The value of NC.
Hope that you are starting to see that.
She can gossip, tell stories, spin things however she wishes.
But, all you need to be concerned with is your own actions.
If your friends are indeed true & loving, then they will stick by you.
BTW, NC also involves not being caught up in gossip.
Tell your friends that you don't wish to hear, talk about or know anything about her.
Back to square one. Again.
You are right as always...
Today I am at the racetrack... Site of our first major date a year ago. So hard not to contact her. So hard not to remember how much better it was with her here last year. But the day she made out with mike the situation I honestly stopped believing she loved me and developed a hatred for her which tore me apart.
So hard to love someone and not trust them for 6 months... No matter how much you want to
I'm proud of myself today . Spent an entire day in a place that I haven't been since my first hookup with my ex... With 3 couples and me as the seventh person... And I held nc . If I can do today I can do any day.
The person she fell in love with wasn't week and needy and neither shall I once again!!
Proud of you too.
Got to do that stuff to gain your strength.
Stop projecting her feelings on yours though. You don't know.
If she "fell in love" w/ someone. Then good for her.
She's out of your life.
Don't worry about that crap. Do you know how many times in the past year I was the third, fifth or seventh wheel?
All I got to say is that I loved every minute of it & still do.
Just like tonight.
You have to REMOVE her. She's not with you. Was BAD for you. Isn't coming back.
Thank your stars.
Stop talking about her.
The next thing I want to hear is all about you.
What you are doing. Fun stuff.
Really struggling with no contact now. Want to reason with her, so torn between anger and loving her. My mind is missing her, my strength as an individual has returned a lot this week and it naturally wants her in my life. But it is also very angry for things she did. But the good was never as good. This time last year things were so positive with her, I want to make her realize. But I also want to accuse her for her issues and ways she screwed me. Also want to level with her. So many regrets... Confusion getting worse not better. Nc is harder and harder.
Hang in there guy and stick to NC, and don't expect it to be an easy fix, or a magic pill. Its SUPPOSED TO BE difficult to bring out the best in you.
Very good advice. That's a great way of phrasing it.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Against all good judgment, what people say, I want to tell her that the moments we had won't come with someone else for her... That our situation made it impossible to be normal but don't give up, that we know each other best in the whole world, that I was always there for her and that what happened was natural, that we stopped growing and became toxic but remember remember why we stuck it out...
But it wouldn't work, I've come a long way since July 3rd and want to use it with her
Denial ****ing is terrible
You guys have been great, thank you.
You sound like me at the same time last year.
Id learnt all this great stuff about relationships and convinced myself if I got just one more chance everything would be perfect.
I got my chance. It wasn't perfect. Nearly 3 months NC. Never felt better. But still feel empty. The "what ifs" drive me nuts.
When you are ready to walk away you will. Completely
Just when you re-live the relationship, deal in the facts.
Denial is what will get you in trouble every time.
Kaka that is interesting. Can you elaborate more?
You gave 3 months no contact, learned a lot about yourself and relationships, and got the chance?
I mean I messed up my relationship bad... but looking back at it, I was not healthy mentally or physically. And neither was she, so it was destined to end. But I've been improving my physical health and mental health. Posts here have been great, family friends, books, reconnecting with people, forcing myself to expand... It is almost as if the relationship was meant to end to kickstart myself into a better person.
Im 3 months NC now. Because it didn't work. Again.
You may be a better person, but, she's probabaly still the same.
Take the better person you are now and keep doing what you are doing.
Well I fought off the urges...
I woke up feeling the right words could at least open our communication. But I'd be setting myself to be rejected again. And playing right into her hands.
I'm sure she is expecting and wanting more contact from me. She knows how to push my buttons and DID push them by guilting me in Friday's contact, so I have to keep resisting.
Everyone can't be wrong while I am right.
NC for good! I went through all the emotions I had with her in past communication, there is nothing new to be said, nothing to be gained by contact.
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