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Resisting what is, denying reality, refusing to accept... is a painful activity. "What if" thoughts are an extension of that painful resistance. There are no "what ifs" to learn in this. Only "what nexts". The sooner you stop resisting, the sooner that pain will end and the pain of it being over can be worked on to lessen it too.
I'll never be able to understand why it's better to simply kill the affection of somebody you cared for so much, but apparently that's the way it has to happen... Everyday I regret the friend that I lost. I could enver kiss her again if only to have that friend back. But would a true friend really turn their back on me, as she did?
I don't know. I just hope that I didn't force her into it...
Don't mind me, just voicing the pathetic immaturity in all of us...
I will a few more things here 4answers, you are focusing way too much on the good things about her and less about the bad things about her and your relationship. You keep punishing and blaming yourself and it is not ALL your fault.
Quit analysing.. That might be rich coming from me because I did the same but I am trying to pass on what I know to be true and the path I see for you which is forwards rather than backwards.
Val wrote this to me in one of my threads and I think that you could take something from this... I was blaming myself over and over when in fact, I don't think it was about me for the most part but I was reaching out for some confirmation as Val puts it that it was in some way my fault. You do this 4answers and it must stop, I'm not trying to say that you think you are a loser but you do blame yourself a lot and I must say that I have done this too.
This is not maths either!! There might have been nothing you could have done to avoid this situation!Quote:
Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
I don't believe there is anything I or anyone else here at AMHD can say to change what you are doing, you need to want that inside, you need to want to let go before you begin to really listen. At the moment I think you are only listening to one person>>>>Yourself!!
What is done is done! Learn from it!
You can turn this into a positive learning experience you know, you really can.
I think you need counseling!!
You are obsessing way too much about this. And you still don't get the point of no contact!!
By the way 4answers, I don't mean what I said to sound like you should not vent because this is very positive. You just need to change your venting in my opinion to something constructive, something that better illustrates your willingness to move on rather than about what you should have done in the past to win something back that has gone!
I wish you well and I know you will get there! :)
Hi 4Answers - Gosh, I just hate to see someone hurting. So does everyone else here and I think that is what is behind all their words.
Someone once told me, that the grieving of an actual death of a loved one, is somewhat similar to the grieving of a relationship that is now over. I know that is sad, and I hope I didn't make you feel worse.
But it does have similarites - Missing them, what ifs, what should I have done, what didn't I do.
We all go through the grieving process when we loose someone. But we may all go at a different rate. Some slower than others and some like lighteining speed just to get through it. The important thing, is not so much the speed of it, but that each minute of each day, is one more minute closer to you reaching acceptance and finally healing.
I feel for you 4answers, I truly do, as everyone does. You go at the rate that you need to but ask yourself are the actions you are taking, are the thoughts that you are having, moving you forward, or keeping you in a backward motion.
We are always here for you :)
I also mean it with respect 4answers when I say you may need to talk to someone. I have watched every thread since you came here. I have felt your pain and fully understand what your going through. BUt I just think you aren't quite understanding the concepts behind what is suggested to you. You still after all this time think that the reason you cut contact with her was to get her back.
Big big mistake and that is the main reason why your still hurting so much! If you could just understand that reason you cut contact with the ex is for yourself, to work on you, think about your own situation etc. then I think you would have come much farther by now. BUt rather you have spent this whole time obsessing about her and wondering what she is feeling and how you can get her back. Don't you see that this is huge road block in your healing path. It is preventing you from making any progress at all!
Excellent stuff Skell... Furthermore, I would say that 4answers is either not understanding this concept or is in huge denial about the reality of the situation...Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
I fear that the latter is further to the truth!
I think you are spot on Geoff! Spot on!
He is in massive denial. He still thinks that she is coming back if he follows some sort of text book or plan. Not the case and it won't work!!
The reality of the situation is 4answers that you now have NO OTHER OPTION but to move on and cut contact. Do you think continuing to live the way you have these past months is healthy or enjoyable??
Please know we only want what is best for you and it is why we are trying so hard to get it through to you what you need to do!!
I parted with someone many years back, regretted this and tried to get the person back. However since I have not met another, I find myself really missing her. Stupid really as if I met her know, she would not be the same person I loved and the things that anoyed me about her would also be there.
But it really hurts losing that love ! Anyone one else feel like this, and how do you come to terms with these feelings?
The reason you haven't meant anyone else is because you are still tied up in this ex. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. You need to move on. That relationship ended for a reason and you are focusing on it as a means to avoid being hurt again (I imagine).
Quote:
Originally Posted by GlindaofOz
Thanks for the reply. Normally I would agree, but its been over 7 years and I have been with other women since then. But I have never met anyone with whom I have had a good connection, which results in me missing my ex ! Silly, as she is now married with kids...
Its daft for me to feel this way, but feel it I do. Just wondered if others experience this ?
The one that got away? Put it down to experience and move on? You made a mistake, nothing you can do about it now is there.
You just have to remind yourself that that was then and this is now. You and she are both different people now, so it's true that you cannot recreate what you once had. As the old saying goes "you can never go back home again." Also remember that you broke up for a reason. You yourself said that there were things about her that annoyed you. If it wasn't right then, then it isn't going to be right now.
If your ex changes her phone number, so that automatically means she is over u, especially if you have a cycle of getting back togeher
Well, u mean native americans or Indians in Aisa?:confused: I only know how to dance like the Asian-Indian in India:pQuote:
Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
Well, I think you would do just fine! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by nicespringgirl
May I bring Sushi then?
Whatever floats your boat.Quote:
Originally Posted by nicespringgirl
What you going to bring?
Well... If they let me in, I would bring spicy pappadoms.Quote:
Originally Posted by nicespringgirl
Yuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmm!! :rolleyes:
Hm... never had it, will be interesting to try it.:)Quote:
Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
May I play this song? http://6.cn/player.swf?vid=OvDHtp4lPWDdnasGxeopdA :rolleyes:
Talk to Ex's
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Of the loving relationships I have had that have not worked out, I have a desire / need for an understanding of the why's and wherefores of the relationship failure.
As a person I cannot accept, forgive or come to terms with that which I do not understand.
I would therefore like to talk to my ex's to discuss what went wrong. Is this feeling wrong? Should I ask them for this or is this just a need in me. Do others feel this way or do you simply shrug and say that one is over, lets move to the next ? I can't seem to do that. On any relationship where feelings were involved...
I would think you know what went wrong with the relationship. I don't need my ex to tell me what I need to work on. There is no need to ask them or contact them. You should be in touch with yourself enough to point out the areas of development you may have... on the other hand, it may not have even been meant to be. Often times relationships just end. The two of you weren't meant to be... whatever.
Dear 4answers,
Many of us, similar to you, would like to know what went wrong and would appreciate feedback from an Ex, but the true is - it's just not realistic or appropriate to ask. Your Ex has (Exes have) probably long moved on forward to new things and new people. The fact that you can't let go, and get painstakingly hung up on one or various issues SO STRONGLY may be the KEY reason why your relationships don't work out. Not being able to mentally let go of one concern or event, can be a huge hindrance. It's a huge turn-off. Only you are dwelling on problems in your mind. Nobody else is in your mind. Your partner is probably living his or her life outside their head. I have a similar problem, (always stuck in my mind - not REALITY) but have learned when I must switch off my mind, and start living in the present. (don't dwell in past issues, GO FOR A LONG vigorous WALK - to raise the endorphen levels in your brain... and start something fresh that you enjoy.)
Seriously. Really. Exercise and read or engage yourself in a movie or go out to an event.
Don't live in your head. It will be a lonely life.
Well it is normal human nature to try to correct and fix things that are wrong. Your question really comes down to what kind of standings you and your ex hold each other in. If your still friends it's completely reasonable to ask maybe she might like to know as well. On the other hand if the night you broke up boils your blood and makes you remember a lot of screaming and things breaking I would let it go.
There is nothing wrong with self improvement. Like stated above though you should already have a pretty big clue in your head as to what turned you south.
Read my sig, that's enough to know why it went wrong.
This will have to be a one-way experience. If you're interested in getting feedback so you can possibly do better next time, I'm sure they'll provide you some. If what you want is a chance to tell them what they did wrong (and call the speech you give them "closure")... that's wrong. You'll need to let that part go.
I think you'd get good feedback if you asked specific questions in writing so as to not be too leading when you asked. Then, the answers should be given to you in writing so you don't get a chance to argue and interrupt.
In that setting, you would be forced to actually hear the answers fully and think about them. This might be very useful to you.
Meanwhile, I know you want this to be a conversation, but you can't force your opinion on these exes unless they ASK you for the feedback. I'd say most men aren't interested in it.
If you're open to the feedback yourself though, ask for it in writing so you have to listen. I bet that would be VERY good for you.
Let it go, and move on, as trying to get THAT kind of info from an ex is impossible and, simply because they don't know either. It didn't work, and the reason is really irrelevant.
An honest self evaluation will gain you more usable information, than any conversation with an ex will, and be less confusing.
Sometimes when something goes wrong is for a reason, maybe you will never know what the reason was... after all we should not be aware of everything... another fact is taking feedback from an ex can not make you a better person or change you as a person... it is only curiosity without meaning... I believe that you would like to know what went wrong in order to be a better person with the next but each one is different or you only stay tuned to your ex which is something unhealthy... ignore the past and focus your mind on the present and why not think for the future
Best wishes
I, like most people have struggled to make sense of breakups.
It seems strange that someone can go from being so loving, caring and supportive to someone then be so cold and uninterested!
I have an ex, who was well into me, wanted marriage etc. Now the relationship I had with this person means nothing at all to her.
--> for some reason my mind cannot come to terms with this. Sorry should I say my heart. My rational mind says feelings and emotional attachments change but my emotions cannot accept that something that once meant so much to her can mean nothing. If feels like deceit!!
Is it deceit !
Breakups are hard. I have had my share. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't share the same feelings for you. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself, good guys will find good girls.
It's not deceit. It's just a part of what we all go through in dating. I have been there too. Don't dwell on it. Move on.
I have fallen out of love and in my personal experience it was just that we grew in different directions.
I still love him as a friend,he was my first love.I stopped loving him romantically and I didn't want it to happen but sadly ,it did.
I don't think its deceit,I think people sometimes just fall out of love.
Everybody goes through this. If you want to understand how it works, read A General Theory of Love. It relates a lot to parenting, but explains how we are wired emotionally as children, and will give you insight about why you are feeling this way.
Amazon.com: A General Theory of Love: Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books
Best thing you can do for yourself: Learn that people love and let go; then let go.
Don't give it meaning that it doesn't have. It's not deceit. It's your chance to understand how human beings work and to imagine how you will love the next person who opens your heart.
Its not so much deceit, as a change in feelings.
The whole problem is whether you can accept it, or not.
For sure you can't change the feelings of others, but must deal with your own.
I am curious at why some ex's don't talk.
If the relationship was a one night stand or a brief fling then those ex's always talk. But if the relationship lasted years and had genuine love in it,then why not talk and be on friendly terms.
Surly it should count for something, but to just not even have a friendship after a loving relationship, means it has less value than a one night stand ?
surly this is wrong??
Most are "ex's" because they were not talking or communicating when they were still together.
And normally when you are a ex one or both feel hurt and betrayed, and the last thing they want to do is be reminded of that by talking to your ex.
It is much harder to get over the other person having contact,
I know myself, since my ex and I have a son together, * he lives with me* but I have to see or talk to my ex almost daily, I pick him up from her house after school.
It took so long to get over her since I had to see her daily.
Because you invested time, emotions, money and other things on the relationship it's hard to remain on good terms when it's over.
It's usually the person that was dumped that wants to still be friends, the dumper just wants to cut their losses and go on with their lives.
Sometimes exes can be friends, but not usually right away.
I'm friends with a few of my exes, but it took many years before that happened.
For me, I don't talk to exes right away simply because the pain is too much at that time. After all of the emotional dust settles, then maybe a friendship can take place but I simply don't care to think about it much. If it happens, then it happens but I don't care.
You don't want to be reminded of the ex by talking to her all the time.
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