Then change the things you can change,such as your passwords,and pack stuff up and put it out of your sight.
And when you hear the songs,switch them off.
When you see the happy couples,be happy for them.
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Then change the things you can change,such as your passwords,and pack stuff up and put it out of your sight.
And when you hear the songs,switch them off.
When you see the happy couples,be happy for them.
"I always think of her when I see others holding hands, when I hear certain songs, when i see someone driving the car she has"
Adro - that is going to occur for a while. You sound EXACTLY how I sounded in the beginning. I couldn't look at couples or listen to music without wanting to cry. Reminders were everywhere.
BUT, In time, those reminders will still be there and you will think of her, but it will be a different feeling. I am reminded of my ex all the time, but it has become a nostalgia type of feeling. Like a memory. You're pain and longing will fade into memory and acceptance.
For example, I have to drive by a restaurant near my house almost dailiy that was "our restaurant" - we went there all the time. I felt like crying for the first month or so driving by. Now I am able to look and think for a second, then laugh it off and just be happy for the memory.
Forgiveness, time, and knowing this is what is meant to be. You are meant to be happier and you will be. Just let it happen.
By the way, I started going to the gym every single day after my breakup. It made me feel sooo much better physically and emotionally. It helped take up time, and gave me something else to think about, and gave me confidence. I also now get looks and compliments from other girls, which helps since I am out there again. This might be something that would help you.
Adro... you sound like everyone of us sounded... or still sounds . But you need to be strong. Keep yourself busy... and remember.. you have to love yourself first.. it's your obligation... life goes on.. I know it is hard to believe.. trust me, I find it hard too... but it's simple as that. We are growing (in any ages) and learning from our experiences and becoming better persons..
Take care..
Im trying really really hard amicon to do those things. Whenever I saw couples I was always happy for them. I knew what I felt like holding my ladys (my exs) hand and being happy with her, and I would always be happy for them because I knew that they were feeling the same thing. Its been almost a month and the good days are finally starting to outnumber the bad days, but the mornings and nights are the hardest. That's when I feel the most alone. Ive got a long way to go.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
I don't think its as long as you imagine it.
You are growing,as a person,in leaps and bounds.
Get a routine for your mornings,jump out of bed and get busy.
And make sure you are tired enough,maybe from physical exercise,to be able to drop off straight away when you go to bed at night.
RB I read your thread about your breakup and I see a lot of similarites between our situations. Of course its not 100% dead on, but there's tons of similarites. It gives me so much hope reading your thread, it gives me hope that I can move on and be happy again. Im a little younger than u, but I am also about to graduate this June, and like u, my life will be changing drastically very soon. You were very strong from the get go, much more stronger than I was and more stronger than I am right now. You are an amazing individual in the fact that you were able to convince yourself to let go and you stuck by it. Im moving on with my life, but I know deep down inside I still have hope she will come back to me. Hope dies last. And I'm the type of person who won't stop trying until the fat lady sings, never quit until its really over. The problem with this time is that I feel like the fat lady already sung, and it already really is over, but I just don't want to accept it. People on this site tell me to look at her actions, she left so she is gone. I know this is true, and I don't know why my brain cannot convince my heart of this. My heart loves to torture itself. I really hope I can get to your level one day RB. My ex has not tried to contact me since the first week of our "break." This hurts the most, because it shows that she isn't even thinking or missing me. I keep trying to tell myself who cares, but in reality, I still care. And that sucks. I can't wait for the day when I can drive by something and be like you RB, not wanting to cry and not thinking of what went wrong. What do you mean by forgiveness, what do I forgive? And the acceptance part is going to be hard to achieve. She saved my life, I felt I owed her all of me, felt like I owed her my life for doing this. She felt like this at one point too, and that had both of us convinced we would be together forever. Our relationship was really really deep, imagine dating your superhero. Now imagine your superhero doesn't even want to see you. Wow. Sorry for the length of my rant/ramble, but felt like I really needed to vent right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinBoston
Its really hard to believe right now. I know that time helps, as it has helped me greatly, but I can't imagine myself with someone else. Ive been going out with my friends a lot lately, and Ive seen and talked to hella girls. The problem is that my heart doesn't want anyone else right now. I can't seem to to push her out of there yet, and it sucks. Im trying really hard to love myself, like during this "break" Im doing me. Im hanging out my friends and family a lot more now, and doing stuff I use to like to do but gave up for her (like play basketball). My biggest fear is that I will be too scared to open up for another female and too scared to offer her my heart, because I don't want to get hurt again. Im not that type of person, Im not scared of taking chances, but this situation really hurt me. Emotional pain/heartache hurts so much more than physical pain. A bruise will go away by itself after a couple days, a broken heart my never heal...Quote:
Originally Posted by heart_line
Hello,
I couldn't even read all of that because it was way too long, but just from this {she wants a break to appreciate me more } tells me enough.
My opinion, she wants a break because she doesn't want you anymore. Everyone misses and realizes the truth once they're gone, but that's supposed to be their lesson for future experiences of similar grounds. If she leaves, let her leave. She'll really learn to appreciate the next man/girl from the get-go.
Thanks for your input. She doesn't want me anymore but she doesn't have the guts to tell me straight up, that's what I knew was really up. I feel like I deserve more than this, If you don't want me then tell me. At least respect me enough to let me heal without false hope. I hate being the guinea pig, someone else is going to get it better because of me. Story of my life. Something I did and put everything into, someone else will enjoy the fruits of my labor. Sucks big time, just wondering when am I going to enjoy the fruits of my own labor?Quote:
Originally Posted by CinnamonComplexion
Right, it''l happen though. That's what life is about. Some people come into our lives for a season, and some people are permanent. You just have to be able to distinguish one from the other.Quote:
Originally Posted by adro_is_hurting
You have learned your lesson to, so there... you have gained some fruitful knowledge for upcoming relationships (hopefully that isn't plural).
How long have you been with her. I know you may have it in your posting, but I have been on here for awhile and read many, so my eyes are tired, plus hgetting ready to leave work here by 5pm, and it is 4:50pm.
Just read through your entire post - so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to both you and the ex. You are doing the right thing though.
I met a guy when I was 17 and we dated for 3 years - totally in love, he was 2 years older than me. Eventually I felt like I needed to just experience life on my own since I never had done that. Wasn't that I didn't love him still, but I needed to learn to live on my own with out someone - see what was in the world. It was hard to break up with someone that I loved, but I didn't want to cheat on him or be tempted to. We took a few months off talking, and started dating other people then became friends. That was like 5 years ago now.
My posts on here are about a relationship that broke up a year ago to the day today - I had (still have) a lot of the same friends as my ex - that's how I met him through his friends, so I would run into him everywhere, and I was the person who was broken up with so I kept holding on to the hope that he would change. I wish I had been strong enough to go NC immediately as you have. You may not realize it, but it really gets rid of a lot of the drama -jsut read my thread. It took me about 5 months, but I started to really feel better and now I feel a lot better.
Stay no contact! Oh and he invited me to his graduation last year which was a month after we broke up - I went, but it was so strange. I love his family and they love me, but he treated me like gum on the bottom of his shoe. He said he wanted me there, but didn't treat me like it. That might influence you to invite or not invite her to your graduation - it's a special day for you - don't make it weird by inviting her.
Keep up the NC - you will have good days and bad days - just don't cave in on your bad days - go day by day, and you will be so much better off in the end!
Ive been with her for a little more than 3 years. Im sorry my post is so long, but you've probably got to read the whole thing to fully understand the whole story. Right now it feels like the fruitful knowlegde I have gained is that even when you give your absolute 100% to someone, they can still throw you away like garbage.Quote:
Originally Posted by CinnamonComplexion
I can understand the feeling of wanting to know what the world has to offer and everything, I was that age not too long ago either. But my thing is, that while I was feeling those feelings, I was with her. I took her along for the ride. This is when the relationship just started, and I wasn't even close to loving her as much as I love her now (or did love her). I wasn't deep in love with her, but I still kept her around and grew to really really love her. I didn't just throw her away or be like "sorry but i wanna see what else the world has to offer, i.e. not be with you anymore because I think I can have a lot more fun without you." I think I made the right move because our relationship grew to be something extrodinary. But now she's the one throwing me away. I do not want her at my graduation, but she will be there, I know it. Ive gone NC with her, but I was still talking to her little sister and getting updates on her. I changed that because it led to me reading into everything she told me, and I knew she was telling my ex everything I was doing and saying. I have gone full NC with everyone associated with my ex. Hardest thing Ive had to do. I just want the days to move faster and faster. Thanks for the support though.Quote:
Originally Posted by bella99
Update guys:
So Ive been doing really good the last few day. Really good actually. I had no bad days since I went full NC with everyone associated with my ex. Its been about a week since NC with her little sister, and I was talking to some of my friends at school about this. Then when Im driving from school to work, my exs little sister texts me. It was a simple hey what's up. I didn't know how to respond or if I should have responded at all. It took me like a hour to decide to respond. I just told her I was good and asked what she had been up to. She told me just school, then she asked for the date and time of my graduation. She said she and her mom wanted to ask for those days off. I didn't answer, partly because it was busy at work, but partly because I didn't know what to do. I know that if I tell them, my ex will know for sure and she will show up for sure. Im so confused and don't know what to do. I want the little sister and mom there, but not my ex. But I know that happen, its either all of them or none of them. I still haven't responded to that text. Any advice would be great right now, as I am really confused and this situation is making me think of my ex and its getting me down again after doing so good. Any advice would be great guys.
Its your graduation,a memory for life and if you don't want the ex there,that's your right,even if that means no other of her family members.
That's the way things go sometimes.
Go back to real NC now and don't text the sister.
If the ex shows up, it will ruin a day that is supposed to be special for u. How badly do you need the mom and sister there? It's all or nothing then you need to figure out what would be worse - mom and sister not there, or ex showing up.
The sister is definitely telling the ex everythign she talks to you about, any chance u can just call the mom and explain why you are not inviting them because it will hurt you and not that you don't still care. She might understand the situation better. If not, then she's not really a friend.
Remember people do take sides whether you want them to or not. Mom and sister will always be on your ex's side, even if you want to be their friend still. It will get awkward when you both move on to other relationshps to maintain a relationship with the mom and sister with out the ex being in the pic.
So, you need to figure out who is important to you enugh that you want them to share in the special occasion and invite those people
This is a really hard decision. Here's some of the things going through my head. I wanted to quit college many times, but each time my ex and her family would convince me to stick through it. They did everything they could to help me through it. Whether it was homework help, giving me moral support, and just being there for me. They believed I could always do it, even when I though for sure I could not do it.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
I try to put myself in their situation, for three years you do everything you can to help someone graduate. Now that graduation is about a month a half away you don't get invited. Isn't that messed up, espcially since they didn't do anything.
Ami, your saying I shouldn't talk to the sister at all? It felt so good to know that at least someone in that family is still thinking of me
Quote:
Originally Posted by bella99
This is great advice, without putting much thought into it, my ex showing up would be worse. I know that if she showed up, my whole day would be ruined. At the same time I really want her family to be there. They helped me so much, they did so much for me in the 3+ years. They knew the struggle I went through to graduate, they had so much faith and confidence in me. They believed in me when no one, not even me, believed in me. They were so proud of me graduating. My graduation was a special date to them, and now I won't invite them? Wow.
I def know that her little sister is telling my ex everything, and that at the end of the day, her family will have her back. That's why I really want to stop talking to her family, but its hard. I was thinking of calling her mom and talking to her, but I already know that she will be greatly hurt if I do not invite her. You say that if she doesn't understand she's not a real friend, I feel like I'm not a real friend if I just push them away.
Her little sister told me one time that no matter what happens, all of them (even my ex) want to be at my graduation. I don't know what to do, Im almost 100% sure that at the end of the 2 months my ex asked for, she'll call me and even if me and her are nevermore (which is the most likely outcome), she will talk about coming. And even if I say no, she'll still come. Because that's how she is. What's the best option for me to do?
Call her mom, talk to her - invite only the mom perhaps. Her mom should understand how you feel. It's not that you are mad at your ex, you care about her and seeing her will hurt you because it will not be like every other time you have hung out with her. There will be a lot of stress surrounding the situation if she is there.
You seem to have already made up your mind that you are going to invite the mom and the sister, if you do you better just realize that inviting those two but not the ex will probably make the ex more upset with you, than not inviting anyone and she will also probably come to the graduation anyway if her mom and sister are going. The mom and sister might feel out of place with out her there as well.
Talk to the mom, explain the situation, see what she thinks.
You do really need to do no contact with the entire family. You aren't doing it because you are mad at all of them, but because if you don't do it you will continuously be reminded of your ex, and you will find it really really difficult to put thought of her out of your head. You will only prolong getting over her. If her family, her, or all of them go to you graduation you will also be setting yourself back to square one just to warn you.
Yea I'm going to call the mom and talk to her about the whole situation. My only fear is that she doesn't know how big this really is to me. I think her mom thinks that we will get back together, and me seeing my ex is no big deal. I never put much thought into them being at my graduation, but now I am really thinking of it. They wouldn't feel out of place, but I know that if I were to see them again, all I would do is think of my ex.Quote:
Originally Posted by bella99
Your line about me seeing her and hurting because it won't be like the other times is so true. Ive never told anyone that I was scared of that feeling, but you already knew. I know you have experience in this.
I really don't care if my ex gets upset. I have no desire to be friends with her in the future if our time has really come to an end. My ex already got upset. A couple weeks ago I invited the little sister and mom to my graduation, stupidly I thought she wouldn't tell my ex. Then about an hour later she says "(exs name here) wants to know if she can go to your graduation. I said my ex should ask me herself if she wants to go. And the little sister says my ex got upset. My ex said that even if we are nevermore, she still wants to be there. I hate getting these little updates.
I really don't want to go back to square one. I have come such a long way, and I don't want to start over. I feel like I will though when she comes sniffing around or next time we talk. I know we'll talk before I graduate. How can I stop myself from going back to square one?
No contact really is the only way to not go back to square one. I understand about the graduation thing. I pretty much didn't even think about no contact until after my ex graduated last year - he invite dme and I was going and it was so awkward -it was nice to see him graduate but hurt that things were different between us. I also didn't have100 random strangers on the internet telling me to stop talking to him.
I only started to feel better though once I stopped getting the updates, stopped checking his Facebook and his friends facebooks. Once you don't know what they are doing every moment of the day and there is distance between you it's a lot easier.
Someone on here said this (maybe Tal?) that the good thing about hitting rock bottom is the only way to go is up. That was always comforting to me because for a while I felt like I was sitting on the bottom. Believe me you don't want to go back to square one - if you do you have to go through all of this all over again.
I know you really want them to be able to share in your joy of graduating, but it really is going to be tough on you if she comes - you don't want any unspoken feelings to blow up on that day - it could make for some bad memories for a long time. It's a day for you to celebrate your achievements. Yes, they pushed you along, but something inside you kept you going as well. Congrats on finishing!
I am going to go against the grain here, and I fully realize this is a very big day for you, but you invite them, because you know they do care and that in itself is special. If your ex shows up, so be it!
I know, I am the one saying healing first, NC, and all that other stuff, and I stand by it.
But I also believe a man has to handle his business, and do what he has to do, with the style and grace that may mark him for life.
So suck it up, face your fear, and be the class act that you are despite the adversity of the situation.
Trust me, you won't cry, embarrass yourself, or carry on like a kid, because if indeed you never see her again, her last memory will be a good one, so stick your chest out, and enjoy your accomplishment that you have EARNED through hard work, and stick to itness. And let nothing rain on your parade.
Yeah it's a tough spot to be in, it sucks, but there will be many to follow, and I do mean some real doozy's, so head up my man, because you can't always take the easy way out, and sometimes you have to suck it up and get through it.
You will be glad you did, and you can cry when you get home, if that's what you want.
But for this occasion, man up!
I agree - just don't go into it thinking that this will change your relationship with her, or that things will be normal between the two of you. Recognize that things will be awkward, show your appreciation that they are there, but don't spend all of your time with her - spread the love to the rest of the guests!!Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I read your thread bella, its helpful that you went through this and I hella appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me. Thank you. Sometimes random acts of kindness by strangers is more helpful than from people you know. Many times people you know just tell you what you want to hear.
Now that it has been almost a month of NC with my ex and some distance is between us, I have found that it makes it easier. When I get the updates from the little sister, it makes me feel good to know what she's doing, but at the same time it gets me hella down. I read into everything she tells me, and then I know she is telling my ex everything I tell her.
I feel like I'm at rock bottom right now. I feel like sometimes I go a little higher and higher, then something happens that makes me hit rock bottom again.
Its so weird trying to act selfish, Im always trying to share everything. I hate doing stuff alone. Maybe that plays into me taking so long, Ive been alone before and can handle life alone, but I love being around people. And sharing special things with people, because I love it when people share special things with me.
Everyone tells me that I am the only one to thank for graduating. They didn't take the tests, they didn't study, they didn't attend class etc. I know this is true, but they were the ones who saw potential in me, and made me realize the drive inside of me. They introduced me to the "good life." They took me across the country, took me to a lot of nice places, always paid or at least offered to pay for me, shared very intimate and personal info with me, and most importantly they always respected me and never judged me. They are the only people in my life to have never judged me, and the only ones to have gotten to know me first then form an opinion about me. I find this amazing. (Her family is white and well off, they live in a really good suburb with a lot of rich people. I am mexican, my family is broke, and from oakland, ca. So being in their world is like being on a new planet for me)
Advice I hear a lot is to try to find the person I was before her. But if you read my thread, I wasn't a good person before I met my ex. So I really don't know how to go about this. Anything I can do?
You don't need to be the person you were before, but you need to create a life with out your ex. Start doing things that give you the opportunity to meet new people - go to the gym - it makes you feel good about yourself, great distraction and new people. Volunteer to help others (big bro big sister programs or habitat or whatever you like)- volunteering is good because you meet other people that like things you do, and you can repay the kindness of her family by helping other people in need. You are graduating so I'm guessing you will be looking for and starting a new job - start getting involved in some team sports or social leagues.
Think of all of things that you really want to accomplish in life, and start taking small steps towards those things. Hell, I jumped out of an airplane hahaha!
There are sooooo many things to do in life - and yes her family helped you up, but now you are on your own two feet, and you can do and go wherever the wind takes you. Make aplan to try something new, even if it is small. That you've always wanted to do but never did before.
Keep busy and you will feel better before you know it. Don't feel like you have to jump into something else to make you feel better - feel comfortable again being just you, being single.
Thanks Tal, that's great advice. So I never answered the little sisters question about what day and time is my graduation. I was really stuck on what to do, part of it was that I didn't want to talk to anyone that would remind me of her. I had been doing good lately.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Well, I couldn't resist anymore and I called her last night. We talked for about half hour and just talked about what's going on in my life right now. I know she was going to tell my ex everything, so I told her about how excited I am and how this is one of the happiest moments in my life. She didn't even mention my ex the whole time, and I never brought her up either. It was so hard not to ask for updates, but Im so proud of myself. I feel like this is the biggest accomplishment I've achieved since the "break."
Graduation is going to be a really special day for me. The last memory line is so very true, I never though of it like that. If that day is really the last time we see each other, I want her to remember me accomplishing something great, and with a huge smile on my face.
Ive been trying to keep myself busy and it does really work. Time has worked wonders on me, I feel so much better lately. I use to only go a few seconds between thinking of my ex, then it was minutes, now its turning into hours. I can't wait until the hours turn to days, and then the days turn to never. I mean, why spend so much time thinking of someone when you know the other person doesn't think of you as much?Quote:
Originally Posted by bella99
I feel like I'm finally making strides. I can talk about her and not get upset or get all down now. While I still do think of her, its getting easier to push her out of of my head. The good days are finally out numbering the bad days. I still find that mornings and espcially nights are hard, but even now they are becoming manageble. I just hope that if she gets at me I can stay this strong and show her how happy I am without her.
Funny thing about it though, I actually am happy. For the first time since the "break," I can say I'm starting to be truly happy just doing and being me. Without her. Took me awhile, almost a damn month, but Im getting there.
I want to ask something though. I know everyone is different and each situation and relationship is unique so I don't expect the same answer. How long did it take all of you guys to get over your breakup? And how long did you wait until you got into another relationship? Im just curious to know, all of my friends aren't exactly the relationship type of friends. They're more like the chase and lay types so all I'm hearing is to find someone new right away because that'll help me the most. But don't think that is best. Thanks guys.
Anywhere from 6 months after a 3 year relationship, to 5 minutes after a first date. But I admit to being dumped a lot, and even though it sucks every time, you learn how best to cope with it.Quote:
How long did it take all of you guys to get over your breakup?
Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.
Quote:
how long did you wait until you got into another relationship?
Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.
Then I learned it was a lot more fun to be single, and enjoy it.
Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind cripple or crazy.
Until my wife said Oh hell NO!!
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