Well your guess is wrong. I have never been burned by a man have been married to one for 30+ years.

My advice in those other threads were as I gave to you. The young lady with the boyfriend, they are both young, I said that, she had does something silly, as teenage girls are want to do, but she told this young man that she was not leaving her boy friend. He wants to get this girl no matter what. He needs to leave her alone he chooses not to. He is trying to justify his hanging on to her, so why is she a horrible person?

In the other case, she broke up with this guy he should move on. She may not have handled things in the right way, but again he wants to paint her bad because he is hurting. Often times when relationships fail, both parties play some role in the failure. This is the point I am making with you and the others.

The young lady may be wrong in how she handled the situation, but don't paint her the heavy just because you are hurting, she is probably hurting too. She was with you for 5 years, deciding to wait no longer was probably hard for her as well. You are both hurting.
Take responsibility for your part. Don't get in the habit of blaming or dogging out the other person when something does not work. It is what it is. Take responsibility for your part and move on.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BillRoland

I wrote this half wanting closure so that she would stop contacting me and half secretly hoping that she would feel some remorse and say that part of her did still want to be with me and she was sorry for all the bulls*** she put me through. Why else would she be constantly emailing me and calling me over the past days even if I was not responding unless she cared?

---

Based on this I think you are initiating NC thinking you will get her back when you should be doing it to heal. She left you remember? It’s over. I understand the false hope, I’ve been there. You are fooling yourself. You say half of you wanted closure but the other half hoping she felt remorse. She had you on a string as you could not be straight forward with yourself one way or another

This morning, I get another email: "I''m sorry. My last email was uncalled for. I had a very rough day and am very emotional right now and am obviously having a hard time dealing with this. I will stop emailing you if that's what you want. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever need me."

She apologized for what she said to you, she has told you what is going on in her head, whether you understand it or not, accept it and leave it alone!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BillRoland

Not sure what you mean by "regain my dignity" and "have the power now". I didn't think this was a game for power and regarding "dignity" not even sure how that comes into play. She has been the one calling/emailing me - I responded twice - not asking for her back but asking for her to leave me alone. "Dignity" would be if I WAS begging for her back, her constantly rejecting me saying she had no interest, and then her saying that she did want me back. Hence, I would have lost my dignity from pining over her and need to regain it. I was under the impression the NC process was for individual healing - not for trying to retain power or dignity.

Regardless, I agree, the best advice at this point is to probably walk away knowing she cares, but still maintain NC for good now no matter what. Maybe after some time very far down the road we can reconcile our differences, if that is what is best for both of us. Or, not.

---

You are absolutely right, NC is about our individual healing but in the process of that we regain our dignity and power. You may correct me if I'm wrong, but did your "dignity" not take a blow when all of this happened to you? Did you not lose all "power" in your relationship? You gain these things back through NC and self healing... I think that may have been what the other posters were referring too.

And yes, good for you for deciding finally No Contact. I speak from experience, don't break it. It will be especially hard the first couple days/weeks... than you hit a turning point and it gets easier everyday. Good luck man your situation is difficult I wish you all the best

It just keeps getting more difficult, every time I am convinced I can move on, she's back. Last night she called me twice at 2am. No messages. Then she sends me a message on Facebook this morning because I blocked her email address and I guess she has been getting any emails she has tried to send back. It said, "I would like to see you. This has been so difficult for me and I think about us all the time. I've wanted to ask you to see me so many times but I have been afraid to because I don't want to be rejected."

I know what you're going to say: stay NC, move on with your life. How can someone pull such a 180? Two weeks ago, telling me she didn't want a relationship, supposedly dating other guys, telling me to go F*** myself, not wanting anything to do with me. And now, saying she wants to see me? I know, she probably just misses me being there for her and likely still does not want a relationship - so to make it easier on myself in the long run, it is best not even to entertain the thought. But, what if, she made a mistake and it took time to realize it? I guess too late.

Stick with NC.

Stick with NC. She can't have it both ways.
I would venture to say that at this point she does not even know what she wants which is why she should leave you alone as well.
You both need to just be away from each other for a spell.

First she says she will not bother you anymore, but you can bother/call her. Well that was designed for you to give in and chase her some more. When you didn't, then she went back on her word and started contacting you.

This whole thing is about you moving on before she does. That's what all ex partners worry about. Being left behind. Leave her alone Bill, she just wants her power back, and obviously has nothing else to do.

This is not difficult at all, you just stick to your guns yourself, and don't let her take control back. You have nothing else to discuss, because she dumped you remember?

Her other plans obviously didn't work out so she has no where else to go but back to you. That's pretty disrespectful, if you thin about it!

Well in a moment of weakness and when I was a little bit intoxicated last night, I texted her and told her I would meet her for lunch on Monday. She agreed.

I know I shouldn't go, I know I should start NC and move on with my life, because likely nothing has changed (she still doesn't want a relationship, she still wants to keep me on the back burner) and this is only going to lead to more hurt and pain in the end.

But half of me wants to go, just to hear what she has to say and thinks there is no reason why we can't casually see each other until we work things out, which likely won't happen, or I guess until we decide there is someone new we want to be with exclusively.

On the other hand, the sane half of me thinks I should cancel before Monday comes and go back to NC. That should be real easy, considering I've already broken it three times in two weeks. I just can't think with my head and ignore my heart, it's impossible. Damm, why is love so difficult!

Bad move. Whoops.

Be prepared for more heartache.

You are either NC or not. No in-between.

If you decide not to go, at least let her know. Remember this is what partly got you in to this to begin with. You decide to go NC to get back at her. You texted her again and then decided to back to NC and didn't answer her text.
If you are going to see her, do it and stop doing the yo-yo thing. If things don't change be prepared to deal with it and move on.
Like I told you before you both are suffering and you both need to pee or get off the pot.

Against everything in my heart, I emailed Lindsay and canceled the lunch. Told her I just wasn't ready. She responded, "It's your choice. Don't blame me, I would be happy to see you and have you be a part of my life."

I guess the keyword here is "part". She wants to stay friends because she feels bad or keep me on the back burner and has no interest in anything else. Difficult to swallow after 5+ years. If I'm reading it right?

Now those words do match her actions...

Good for you for recognizing.

Hope there is nothing in your hand when you slap yourself for another dumb mistake. Alcohol is no excuse.

She may not want to keep you on the back burner, she does not want you two to be enemies.
At any rate, she is done, you should be too.
Now don't get drunk again!

Things have taken a weird turn. After not speaking to her all weekend. She sent me an email this morning. She said that she missed me and that over the past few weeks that we have been apart she can't stop thinking about me and found that she was not interested in anyone else. She said she didn't realize it until she was truly away from me. She said she never stopped loving me and wants to get together in the near future to talk about things, if I'm interested.

I am not sure where all this came from. I had pretty much moved father down the acceptance process, though not over her, and was starting to feel a little better making it through the weekend without any contact.

Not sure how it could be such a 180 degree turn? Although she did tell me she missed me and kept trying to contact me through all of this - it was her idea to take time to find herself; she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with me; I know she went out with at least one other guy but not sure if they were intimate; and then she went from of insulting me to telling me she missed me and then back to telling me I had my chance and she's moved past it and now she doesn't want anyone else?

Don't know what to do? Could she be telling the truth? If she did make a mistake, then I can symptahize with her, maybe. But I don't know, maybe she just decided she just thought the grass would be greener being single and dating other men and now she doesn't like it? Maybe she broke up with me in the hopes of dating someone else and now he doesn't like her? Is it worth it to give her a shot or is this another game to keep me on the back burner and she'll change her mind back just to start this whole process again?

It's another little game,just adding to your confusion.

I'd block her email.

I say continue to leave her alone. Both of you probably need to be away from each other.

Who knows a couple of months from now you will see you are fine without each other or you may connect on another level.
But keep up the NC for now.

Doesn't sound like she knows WHAT she wants.

Except that you are there to be her yo-yo, when things don't go as planned for her.

Yeah, block her email so you don't have to question anything.

Bill,

I know exactly what you are going through.

It's the early & frustrating time during NC.

I was hurting bad when I first posted here & everyone urged me to go NC & leave her alone. I did that after a few days and never faltered.

Didn't even know what NC meant or the strength I had to muster to do so.

My ex tried a bunch of times, but it was always to relieve her own selfishness & guilt. To try to make me validate what she did was "ok" with me. To suck me back in to to that.

Nope. Wasn't going to happen.

After a while that becomes the icing on the cake. To start to be in control of the situation & the gratifying thing is that ex's don't expect that.

Im sure mine wanted me to be & plead still, then lay down & be her pal.

NC does 2 things, helps you heal & removes any further drama & BS, and inadvertently shows the ex that you are no longer their puppy.

To allow them to live with their decision.

And not give a crap whether they learn or not.

To move on to better things.

Totally agree with Vanheart - even though the system won't let me!

Stay with your own healing Bill, your next romance will be much better. So much better I can guarantee that you, like others before you, will be back to tell us how much better you feel.

If a lousy text can upset you now and confuse and befuddle your thinking, just imagine what going back to the same misery will be like.

No she hasn't changed, but she is getting desperate, and if you can hold out through this pressure she is applying, you will have turned a corner, and see she ain't what you think.

Unbelievable! So, I was running errands this morning and I ran into her at the teller in line. I've never seen her at this bank? Although there are very few in the part of downtown we live in and I know she banks there.

We said hello. She asked me how I was doing, I said fine. Asked about my sister and family and me hers. I tried to cut the conversation as short as possible and ended up ackwardly pretending to take a call on my cell phone and walk out after I was finished without waiting for her. But not before she said, "I miss you". And for some reason, "I responded, yeah I miss you too". What was I thinking?

So, after work today I get an email, "It was good to talk to you. If you are free sometime, I would like to see you.".

At this point I guess I've already broken all the NC progress from seeing her this morning and speaking with her. Damm! So, now what? Go back to NC? I can't shake the feeling that she is being geniune, but again all I can think about is how she was the one that didn't want to be with me and thought I wasn't good enough after 5+ years, has been putting me through on again off again emotional torture by refusing to stop contacting me and then when I responded shoving it in my face. I just can't imagine, no matter how much I want them to be, things could ever be the same as before. I feel like even if I saw her and we got along I would be setting myself up for the same hearache all over again. Maybe not?

I guess, the safest bet at this point is to go back to NC - but now it makes me look like I'm playing games since I've already spoken to her.

If you want to talk to her, go ahead, but be prepared if you don't get the results you want.
You probably are not going to move on until you do, so do it but take the rose colored glasses off.

Actually Bill, you did quite well, as the stickies say, when you bump into them in public, be polite but unavailable for any deep conversations, so the phone call thing was shear genius. Well done, as that's not a breach of NC!! Follow that up with continued NC! Your good to go. I love it.

The feelings may have been stirred up by seeing her, but let it pass, by not dwelling on any small mistakes.

Quote:

---

"I responded, yeah I miss you too". What was I thinking?

---

Nothing but an automatic reply. Means nothing.

And thanks for making my day! :);):D

A round of applause-your fake phonecall made me laugh-well done!

Keep going,you're getting there.

Thank god for those fake cell phone calls!!

Ive pulled that one a few times. Hehehe.

Nice one. At least you got that one over with. Phew. Good NC milestone.

Damm, I was doing so good. Then this morning I woke up and all I could think about was her and how she said she missed me and wanted to see me. I kept thinking I can't imagine my life without this person in it. I thought, maybe I just needed to see her one more time to get some sort of closure and maybe I would be able to tell in person if she really was heartbroken and wanted me back or was just playing games. Then I could move on with my life if I had to.

So, I emailed her this morning simply saying, "I will meet you for lunch today". She responded immediately, "I'll meet you tonight if you take me to see Ben Folds Five" - a band that is playing here at the House of Blues. Which is sold out, but I do happen to have tickets.

So, again without thinking, I said, give me a reason why I should take you. And she responded, "I would like to see you". So I said, OK.

Now I know this may be a disaster and will end up having to start NC again all over. But why would she want to see me tonight, she could go with anyone to the concert? She doesn't need to use me to get tickets?

And, now that I've broken NC she already knows that I want to see her. So, I guess I am going to meet her and will play it cool - no talk about feelings, reasons for breaking up, the past, etc. Just try to have a good time and see if there is any connection left, if not, KNOW I have to move on.

Just like Showme_uremove, I have a feeling this girl knows she can pull strings and get whatever she wants. She'll run hot and say she loves me, misses me and wants to see me. And in a matter of days, she'll change her mind, and I'll be back here starting NC all over again. This would have been so much easier if I hadn't dated her for over five years.

"and I'll be back here starting NC all over again"

Yup.

You're thinking with your broken heart-not your head.

Closure?
No,that's what you get within yourself when you realize its over and start moving on.

This is false hope.

Why prolong this rollercoaster ride?

You are not ready for NC because you are not ready to let her go. You are still looking for reasons to hang on.
My bet is you'll go out with her, it won't be what you wanted it to be and you'll be starting NC once again, not to help yourself, but to get back at her, hoping she will feel bad enough to come back to you.
Is this what you really want?

Well, you were all right. But so was I.

I went and I know now without a doubt she is done with me. Not sure why she would want to go with me, not sure why she has been saying she missed me, etc. all this time, but I know from everything she said and how she acted - she's moved on. At first it felt like the biggest crushing blow I have ever felt. How could this person not love me anymore after 5 years? But it also gave me closure. I know now that no matter how many times she contacts me or what she says, it is done. I will maintain NC now no matter what - because before I had a false hope. But now, I realize any of that stuff she does - is only false or leftover emotions. And, it actually feels kind of good to be able to move on with my life - and excited at the anticipation that one day, hopefully, there will be someone better out there for me. Because, honestly, and Homegirl this is not coming out of anger, she is a giant b***** and our marriage would have been a disaster. If I had really wanted to marry her, I could have done it 2 years ago. But something said not to. I guess I was only holding on because I was so used to her and upset at the fact that someone didn't think I was good enough for them.

So, here's to day 1 of NC the right way.

Good for you man, congrats.

Painful yes, but now you have the closure to REALLY go NC.

Rock it. It going to be rough at times, but just remember who the most important person in your life is.

Do I need to tell you?

Man, I know that despair & feeling like someone doesn't want me. Those feelings are the worst, Ive shed lots of tears over that.

But in reality its done. Glad you came to that.

What's left is in our heads & how to cope in this healing process. It different for everyone. But what's the same is the process. To be better.

For me, I went NC right off, & its going on a year now.

Everyone gets there closure one way or another. Its just a matter of recognition, your will to change and how happy you want to be.

Nice one. How was the band?

Well, it's day one of NC for the second time and just lke starting all over again. All the feelings of constant sadness and despair, like your heart was ripped out, are back just like the day it went down the first time. The feeling that you are completely alone in this world and that you will never find someone else.

I feel like all I want to do is call her and ask her why? Why tell me you still loved me and missed me? Why say you wanted to see me? Why continue to contact me and string me along when you new it was over?

But I won't. Because I already know the answer. She just wanted to know that I was still not over her and she was playing games to do it. That I would drop what I was doing to cater to her. And that she was still in control. People can be selfish and brutal.

Let this be a lesson to all those of you whose x contacts them into NC after asking for a break. Don't buy into it. It only causes twice as much pain.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will not be this bad.

You've learned your lesson.

Tough as it is,you can move on now ,one day at the time.

Tomorrow will be a better day-if you allow it to be.

Ready for the kicker? After basically telling me last night at the concert that she wasn't romantically interested in me anymore and she still wanted to move on with her life (I didn't bring it up, she just started talking about it), I get a txt message from her tonight saying: "I had a good time last night. I hope to see you again soon."

No chance I will respond. But almost guarantees I'll be hearing from her in the near future as soon as she realizes I've moved on. Women!

Its not a woman thing,it's a manipulatorthing.

Ignore forever-time to either block her number or change yours.

Oh my god, I just got the following email unprovoked: "I am sorry I said those things about being over you last night. I'm not. I was just worried that it would make things more difficult. I hope it didn't upset you. I had a good time at the concert with you."

Instead of replying I am going use my time reading the dictionary definitions of "indecisive" and "manipulation".

Don't blame it on her. That would not be fair, nor accurate. I think the point of this whole experience is that you recognize the misery and pain you caused yourself, by having some very poor coping skills of your own feelings.

The thing is you will have gained experience, and knowledge of yourself that you can use in the future, and not let yourself be led through this emotional drama again.

You may not see that clearly now, as its easy to blame her for your own gullibility, and emotional needs (closure UGH the biggest excuse in the world, to hold on to false hope!), and strong attachments that have to be positively dealt with. As the dust settles it will come to you, to late for now, but something you won't forget when you go through it again. You will know better how to deal with similar circumstances.

So, an update, and not a good one.

After going to the concert with the x and her in not so many words telling me that she didn't want a relationship anymore and me thinking she was trying to keep me on the back burner or as a friend. But then the next day, her emailing me that "she was sorry she acted that way, because she was worried it would make things more difficult". I didn't respond. She continued to contact me, starting with an email that said "I want to see you again" and after me further not responding changing to sarcastic "Thanks for responding!" and "Just ignore me!"

Two days passed with nothing from her, but then one morning I woke up and without thinking emailed her first thing upon arriving at work because I felt like I had to get it off my chest and she was sending me mixed signals. I said, "Lindsay, I'm sorry I just can't be your friend right now".

She immediately responded, "I never said I wanted to be friends. I would like to see you."

So, being somewhat caught off guard thinking (what does she want if she doesn't want to be my friend?) I asked her to meet me for lunch that day and she did.

Things were actually good; we ate and only talked about present day stuff, not bringing up the past.

Eventually she brought "us" up and said that it made her sad to think that this is how things are. I told her that being single has it benefits and that its not all bad being able to do whatever you want whenever you want. So maybe that it is good that we are taking time to find ourselves because you never know what can happen in the future.

She said that she has just been trying to keep busy with school and her new business and not think about it. But that it made her mad that I wouldn't respond to her and she felt like I was only contacting her when it was a good time for me. She made a few statements about how she was not dating anyone but that many guys were interested in her or that she had guys that she was talking to. She then, in so many words, said that based on the current situation, it is just not possible for her and I to be in a relationship. She said something about how us hanging out together is difficult because if we start dating someone else serious that they will not like us being together. But immediately after saying that she kept making passing references to us formerly being together and spending every night together and asking me if I missed it. I don't know if she was saying these things to test me - which I know she has done in the past - or to get a reaction out of me or if she meant them?

We went to a park after lunch and kissed. Initiated I think by me, but reciprocated many times by her. We held hands and kissed for almost an hour.

Shortly after getting back to work, I got an email from her saying "Thanks for seeing me, it was good to see you".

So, knowing that it was her that asked for the break and trying to give her the time she wanted, I didn't respond to her email and decided to wait for her to contact me next. I thought if she really wanted to see me again she would contact me.

Six days passed and I didn't hear one word from her and I didn't contact her. I know she is stubborn and said she was mad that I only contacted her when it was good for me, but nothing?

Eventually yesterday it got the best of me. I send her a text message saying "I was thinking about you today". It's been 24 hours since I sent the text and she hasn't responded?

What do you make of all of this? I know I should have stayed NC, but I kept getting these mixed signals from her and she said she didn't want to be my friend, so why keep contacting me and asking to see me? Then the kissing but saying that based on the sitaution we can't be in a relationship? Is she playing games with me? Or does she think I'm playing games with her and now not contacting me to spite me?

The truth is, I'm just not over her - she's all I can think about and I just try to do things to distract myself. And after 20+ years of dating many many women (some for over a year) honestly believe that I have never met anyone even as close to compatible as we are/were. I have two beautiful women that have been asking me out on dates this week, but when I talk to them all I can think about is how they don't even come close to comparing to my x.