It s has been a while since my last post, my apologies. I am at a point now where my relationship is good, but one thing is bothering me. This friend of hers. I was normal about everything until I saw that he would be very involved and was always truing to do something with her on the weekends. Needless to say what upset me was two things, one they went to have brunch just the two of them where he paid, at this point I told her I thought it was a little too much and that she shouldn't maybe lead him on if their was something. She responded by saying that he was just being nice, and that he knows that she is all alone since I am not here so he just wants to take care of her. Well we had this conversation because I wanted to tell her how I felt.
The other thing that happened was weirder, they went to the mall together and she was about to buy some clothese when he said let me pay , to which she ddint disagree. When she told me this on the phone I didn't react on it but just asked her why did you let him pay and she told me he just insisted a lot. I thought that was extremely weird and I am surprised she doesn't see this. Again she always tell me he is just being nice, but I feel "that nice" is trying to show maybe more interest.
Our relationship is good and we do love each and we always remind each other about out goals and all... but what should I think of this ?

Well,I think it's weird too.
My guy friends will sometimes treat me to a meal but I would never expect them to buy me clothes.
That's too personal a thing to be doing.

I shouldn't read too much into it, and I do not want to bring back this conversation of why he is doing this and that. It was a little weird, the first time I had a talk because it botherd me she said there is nothing there and that I should never worry, so I told her OK.
The other thing that bothered me was that they have been friedns for just 3-4 months really so that one another thing...


Btw Amicon I am returning sooner than next year so that is great news :), Instead of a year and a half it is just 6 months

As I follow this thread, it occurs to me that you have bigger things to worry about, than a guy hunting your lady, especially since your not there. Don't let the distance cloud your judgments, or get carried away by your feelings, and though it sounds weird, a guy buying her clothes, the main thing is to trust her. But if you cannot, then what's the point of staying with her?

Your main goal it seems is your decision to convert to her religion, to please her and get her to stay with you. That's what you should be focused on, as that's her wish.

That's a biggie guy, and until you have made that decision, any Muslim man will see her as fair game for whatever. Conversion makes things easier for her, but only you can decide what it will mean to your life. That's the issue to stay focused on, because she has made that the defining issue for your future.

I have to be honest as that for me is a deal breaker, as I could never put dogma, and tradition, over whether, me and a partner could be together.

But I do understand your dilemma as its either convert, or lose her. That's a bit one sided for me, even though Muslims, and Christians, are but branches of the same tree.

At least that's what my own research has pointed to. Do your own homework, and learn, so your decision can be an informed one, and conversations between you should be about what her religion means to her, and the expectations she has for you.

I would be a lot more concerned with the gap between the two of you, than the bond between her, and her new friend, no matter his intentions.

I have not mentionned this Tal but I actually have been reading and talking to people abou that issue, and I have decided that like you said they are branches of the same tree, and this is not an issue any more. My mind is made up that I can accept her religion and that main problem is no more.
With thtat said any other advice

Trust her to handle her business in a respectful way until you get home.

SOo that's means not asking her what she did this and that, OK thanks a lot Tal, you have helped me a lot and I appreciate everything, I hope this will be the one :)

I would never be worried about competition, or where the relationship was headed, just enjoy talking to my sweetie without drama or fanfare. Keeping up with her life, and sharing the moment.

If you trust her, then let her live her life and spend time with whoever she wants.

If you're feeling insecure about who she hangs out with, then you don't trust her as much as you think you do.

If the relationship is going well, then why create problems when there are none? At least she's being honest with you and letting you know what she's been up to.

Communication is the best policy here, sms, mms, instant messaging, phoning, chatting... Thats all you can do, try to visit sometime during the year,don't go for the whole two years without at least vissiting once or twice a year.. Good luck buddy, I think you need it.

Girlfriend is having her weak moment right now, she is very stresed out and she is just being unreasonable. She tells me she is getting tired and wants just to be with me. I tell her that time will pass and we have to be positive and optimistic.
What more can I do? I tell her that there is light at the end of the tunnel since I will be back there at some point

If you can overcome these tough times, it will make your relationship stronger.

Keep a positive attitude. Keep your head up and continue to say supportive things.

It's not only about saying new things. So no need to do any out of the box thinking. It's about reassuring her that you're still very committed to the relationship. Repetition can be just as effective.

Are you going home on leave this month?
We all have our weak moments.
Hopefully this will pass.

LD is almost impossible, unless you have a REALLY, I mean REALLY solid foundation to begin with.

2 years is a long time.

The question here is if commitment is even an option, and if so, how?

Lots of plane tickets, sad goodbyes & missing. Believe me I know.

Not ideal. In fact, kind silly. LOTS of work, heartache & anxiety.

Maybe that's what you're into.

You got to be frank & weigh it out.

Its not a comfortable thing.

Right, I have to keep showing her that it will all right. It is just really hard to be okay when she acts this way, she tells me that she keeps telling me you know that I am someone that needs attention. I always always tell her that I give you that attention and that granted I am not there but I do all that I can, send her gifts, call her, bbm, you name I do it from here.

At the end of this We have a fix date as to when this will end, and I tell her that when we do get back together in the same city, it will only lead to engagement and marriage. She gets happy and she is like yes but I want you to be here with me now, and again I tell I will be soon, just be strong and patient.

I also tell that she has to look at the end goal and not on the moment. That I will give her all that she wants and needs, but in due time.


It really makes me suffer when she doesn't realize the life she has right now compare to my current situation. And yet she is the one telling me I feel alone, tired

Threads merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread

Hello all,
Well I have been in a long distance relationship for 10 months now and before that I was with her living together for a year.
Well to cut to the chase last time I visited was end of November , and I am suppose to go there soon again. Yesterday I told her that I might have to postpone my trip for 2 and half weeks due to work conflict and she got mad, and was all frustrated. I tried to cheer her up by saying that hey it works out because I will be there for your birthday and all but she was really sad and frustrated. She even started complaining that she is tired of this and all...
I really got nervous because she is the love of my life and what to try and calm her down, and make her see that 2 weeks is not a big deal. Granted I know this has been a while but we know that we are not going to stay in a long distance situation for ever
What shoud I do?

All you can do is talk to her about reality.

She's disappointed. Let her talk about it without it being something you need to defend.

Clearly, she is struggling with the distance... if you cannot talk about it, you cannot solve any problems tied to this. Even if you talk it out, there's no guarantee it'll get fixed.

But one thing is clear... ignoring that she is frustrated isn't going to make it go away and giving her a chance to vent and feel she can safely express her struggle is probably the only way you can know "what should i do"...

I see, well I tried to tell her that hey look at the cup half full not half empty, I will be there two weeks later more or less and I will be able to stay a little more. On top of that lets keep doing what we do and communicate daily, and I kept expressing my feelings to her and all

Well... it could be just a bad day or it could be more... when someone says "im tired of this"... its personally alarming.

Doesn't mean the world is falling down, but id not ignore it unless she talks like this commonly.

Flowers or a note or something to lift her spirits a little?

Talking from your side, its easier to say "hey, glass half full, right?"... from her side, she has less control and, again, seems to be feelings disappointed and maybe lonely.

How is her social network? Friends? Coworkers she gets along with? Family near?

Her family is not near, but she has a nice group of friends around her, but all she says is I don't care I just want you to be here, and I keep telling her that I will be there soon, and one day after that forever.
I am guessing she acted this way yesterday because she got frustrated, because we spoke on skype and on the phone since that moment, but I do not know if I should bring it up again or what

Like I said, I think avoiding an issue like this just lets it fester... I think if you have a future together, you need to be able to talk through these kind of things... even when you are together, there will be issues like this that might be tough to talk about...

So...

Is there any concrete timeline or plan? How long are you likely to be apart?

Yes there is concrete time line, have to keep this up for another year to be together.
But in the meantime we plan on visits like this one, and communicate all the time, everyday.
I am optimistic because we have already cleared a lot of issues and can see how this can work and will work when we are reunited again

Well... like I said, I just don't like being left to wonder. Been burned when I just ignored warning signs.

Id give her an opening to express frustration. If you have your visit timeline really nailed down, can you make solid plans? Dinner reservation? Tickets to a show? What did you think about doing for her birthday?

That anticipation... with some planning involved... might hold her over some.

And id still be inclined to send spring flowers or a kind note or something...

k. I'm out for the time being. Others will chime in with their 2 cents over the next couple days I'm sure...

I did send a box of chocolate which should be expected any day now

Hello All,
I could really use some input on this.

Let me first bring you up to speed. I have been with this girl for close two 2 years now.One was with her and another was away from her.
Everything was good until a few weeks ago when I visited her, where we fought a lot. We fought because I was not being myself because my parents despite not having any issues with her, do not really approve of her. She found out about this and she was really heartbroken. I was so upset with that as well and it made me act distant, I was constantly thinking about it and how to fix things.
So when I left and came back in my town, things were okay until she said that she doesn't know how things were going to work and we should take some time to think. She wanted a break but a few later we started talking again. At that point I saw that superficial things like hiding her Facebook status (in a relationship) were done and that hurt. I asked her about this and why you are doing this and she just is down and depressed. She tells me I don't know how the same person that I love can make me feel so good and so bad at the same time.
She then tells me that I need to come and be next her, that way it will be easier to fix things, together. I told her that we only have to go through this one more year and things will be great, that despite the issues we can work them out.
At this point she tells me she doesn't want to do this anymore, she says she doesn't know how she feels anymore, she is confused, about her feeling about it all.
A few days later she tells me I want to come and see you, I want to be with you.
That is followed by a few days later that I don't know if I should come because I can't see myself with you on the long run. It is one good day then one bad day
After this one more time I talk to her and calm her down telling her that I am always by your side and that my parents will accept you just give it time. We love each other and you are acting this because you are scared, and that is clouding your judgment. I told her not to throw all that my parents have done on me.
Then I ask her what can you say things like baby , I love you etc... And she responds by saying because I don't know right now, I am lost, all of this is so much to take.

After all this in the last two days we had a great two hour talk on webcam. At the end of it she was smiling and I thought it was great, she said love you and baby and everything. The next day I talk to her and I tell her I'm glad we had a good talk and she like yea h but nothing was resolved. Than I tell her what you can't be serious after all this and you answer me this way and she says stop pushing me etc etc.
So this morning she writes to me its working, I feel better, but I still don't want you to call, I feel better and calmer when you are not pushing me. Then I am like sure, and are you okay (it was 5 am) she like I can't sleep I need help, I don't respond, and then she like you are not going to console me ? I then respond and tell her calm down you are just sad etc good night sweet dreams

I am lost she come and goes and this is what happening on a weekly basis. She is suppose to come see me hopefully in 2 weeks and this has will be discussed and has not be resolved. I was wondering what you guys thought of this ?
Thanks


Sorry for the length guys

Hi, Ive read through your post and one thing that seems to jump out at me is that your g/f is not ready or wanting to be in a full on relationship, I think she's wanting to maybe experience more life or similar, I really feel that she not wanting to be committed to any one person.

I would say she's trying to let you know this but isn't quite sure how to do so, which is why she seems to be blowing hot and cold.

Perhaps you should go NC.

Or at least consider it.

The strain of maintaining the LDR is showing, and that is normal. Every now and then you will have to reassure each other that the commitment is still intact.

You have to realize that she may be worried your parents are working behind your back because I doubt they accept you changing religions, AND the traditions that come with them. So of course they are not completely sold on her as your future mate, but time and happiness will take care of that.

But all these things factor into this feelings that get her down, and you too.

Its very hard but you have come a long way already, and you have to stay resolved and keep reassuring one another, even if issues are not immediately resolved. The point is you keep working on them until they are resolved. Try not to push though, or push back to hard, and just keep the ball rolling.

How much longer before you can be together in person?

Between visit we will have to endure this for 10 more months

She comes and goes because you let her.

Who wouldn't?

If I had a girl I could turn to on a whim, when I felt bad, and either get the attention I needed or at least vent some frustration at, knowing shed still be there, well... why not?

I'm not saying she's evil.

I do believe, as others have stated, she is just not all in... in fact, she's more out than in... she just likes the comfort of knowing you are there.

That isn't evil, necessarily. Its human. Mortal. Mean? A little. Maybe.

But you CANNOT validate your actions based on hers.

Which means I don't care if she strips down and shakes 'em in front of you and then runs away. Well, yeah. I care. Take pics. After that, you need to stop saying "she does this and she does that" and start with you.

So... I know it is confusing that she's back and forth. You need to stop asking why she's back and forth and just accept she isn't firmly interested. Not enough. And if she is interested, its more for the comfort of the known than that this is right.

Trust me. I've been on both sides of that game. Its easy to be caught up where you both are.

I hope you are able to just step back and walk. It just isn't enough that a love shows interest sometimes, when its convenient or when they are compelled. Good for them maybe, but not you.

Whatever the reason, she is not all in. that's all you need to know.

Dear All,

Need advice.

My girlfriend and I who have been together for 2 years 1 together 1 long distance visited me last week and it was great. The problem between us is due to my parents who cannot accept her and despite me stating my side with her she doesn't seem to think I am doing much progress with them.
Yesterday we had that dreadful talk over the phone, we can't do this anymore she can't wait if she doesn't know we can be together.
I was devastated and all as we both want this but it might not be possible. What hurts even more is that despite not being a bad break up, she did things that hurt immediately after. Removed all fb pics, changed pic etcccc
To be honest that hurt the most, because as if she wants to erase something

Appreciate the wise feedback you guys can give me

Life is unfair, We love each other but can't be together

How old are the two of you, and what do your parents object to?

25.. Religion is the main issue and concern.
I cannot imagine how two people who love each other can't be together because of other factors such as the one mentioned above
I appreciate all the words of advice and past experience to help me overcome this pain

Any input guys

If this is not something you're willing to work around, then you can't blame her for wanting to move on. I am no expert in religion issues, but what do you expect her to do? After being with you for two years and seeing no progress in your relationship, she lost all the hope and you can't ask her to wait indefinitely. Either you work it out with your parents, or let her go no matter how much it hurts. She is doing all the right things by erasing you from her life (taking down pictures etc.) - that's NC and that's what any sensible person should do. She is freeing a space in her life and in her heart for someone new who would give her what you could not.
Good luck.

Religion is a hard hurdle to cross. It is a part of who she is, her customs. She is just removing herself from a hopeless situation and has gone complete no contact.
Respect her decision and leave her alone.
Sometimes love is not enough.

She is doing exactly what she needs to do to move on and get beyond the break up. Sorry for your loss, but when the emotional dust settles, you will be able to heal, and you have been here long enough on this forum to know to leave her alone and rebuild your life.

Sorry for your loss. It will get better.

Right, I understand exactly what you guys are saying and completely agree. I guess part of me is still sadden by the fact that we broke up not because we didn't feel"in love anymore" but more because we had to. I had spent countless days arguing with my parents (who were the reason of the break up because they drove us and especially her mad) hoping to catch a break but I guess all that fighting got a toll on her.
IThe only thing that bothers me in all this is just the fact that she tells me or told me that I am not trying hard enough or didn't try hard enough to argue with my parents, which I think is completely ridiculous as I really tried.


It is just a different kind of break up that I did not experience, as we both have strong feeling for one another and did not want to part ways

Sometimes love is not enough and you just get tired of the way things are.
She for whatever reason decided to walk away.
Don't dwell on it, move on.

Interesting turn of event. So out of nowhere yesterday she start writing to me saying stuff like I saw picture of you over the weekend and how you were having fun. I saw how you behave after not talking ot me for a few days and I just want to say I hate you and you and your family can go to hell.

I answered back saying what you might to look sad in the pic and behave like that. You cannot say these things because this is what you wanted, I still pushed for us to be together but you said that these issues were too much for you to take. So I am not going to sit around and dwell, I need to distract myself.
She then started saying stuff just to hurt me, saying stuff like this was such a bad relationship, and I just realized that I was blind, I was not happy but blinded by love, and you and your family don't deserve me, not one bit. This really hurt me and made me feel miserable, I was just so disappointed she stooped to this level, and said these things that really hurt me, extremely bad.
At this point my phone died and she sends me a message you don't even say bye, wow that something but good, and she follows by saying something that I told her I did but she tried to prove that I didn't.
When I saw this today I responded telling her this is all bs. I told you what I did and I mean it. All I wanted was us but you had enough of my family, and that fine but do not say wrongful stuff like that.