We're here whenever you need to vent! LOL
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We're here whenever you need to vent! LOL
I hope this anger does turns into healing. Yea I still haven't accepted the fact that it is over, I'm still holding in this hope that we may have a chance for some reason, is that what all of the people feel when they loss their big love. As much as I want to believe that it is really over, I can't help looking at my phone every time a text or call is coming. Just that glance of hope a guess I don't know it this is healthy for me at this moment. Its been 4 days doing no contact and I am very proud of myself for going this long. Besides healing what other benefit do I gain for not doing NO CONTACT
Quote:
Originally Posted by Showme_urmove
Good for you sweetie! I'm applauding:p You feel as if your heart will never heal, but it will. I promise. You stay strong and remain NC. Blessings
Its all normal.
I remember losing my first big love and thinking id never find another like that.
Well... you don't. You find OTHER loves... not the same experience. And thank GOD for that.
The problem with trusting NC is that you don't know the crap you aren't going through right this moment. Sure... you are still mucking through some ugly noise, but it isn't anywhere near as bad as when you are keeping in contact.
Even two people who are kind to each other and trying to not mess with each other... usually end up messing with each others heads.
NC centers you around you... lets you feel the things you need to feel (like anger, like frustration) and it makes her feel what its like to be without you... like we've said before.
If you were keeping more in touch, then you are keeping yourself vulnerable for the inevitable crash thatll come.
Sometimes its not the earthquake that kills... it's the aftershocks... so... NC pretty much makes you not have to use your currently skewed judgement to evaluate what she's doing with her currently poor and skewed judgement.
As a guy who has lost more than a couple of Big, Big Loves... all I can say is you're doing the right thing... you are broken up. Act like it. Believe it. Accept it.
We can accept things we don't want to be true.
No contact is the best tool for ending the confusion and getting back to thinking with your head instead of your heart.
It helps you regain your dignity and selfrespect as you are taking charge of your own life.
And it does kill that bad friend,false hope.
Take the advice you have been given!
Thanks everyone for the advice its really helpful. Here's a question it might sound stupid but I don't know the answer, how can I accept the fact that this relationship is over. How can I program it on my head that there are no chance of me and her getting back together. I know it sounds weird but if you guys can give me an example that would be helpful. Thank you for helping me. I am trying my best to think that's its over but my emotion keeps thinking about how great we both were, I know its really stupid I don't think about all the bad things she did to me but I just think about the good times we had. Thaks again
Get rid of any reminders. Gifts and photos and change your number or at least block hers. Stop thinking you all can work this out you can't. When you start thinking about the good times, think about what the bad times feel like.
I know its hard when your not sure what to do and only through being dumped several times did I learn,Quote:
but my emotion keeps thinking about how great we both were, I know its really stupid I don't think about all the bad things she did to me but I just think about the good times we had. Thanks again
Stop all contact no matter what tempts you.
Disappear from their lives (forever)
Do my own thing.
No matter what your feeling break ups are seldom about the person dumping you, but the way it makes you feel (lousy, reality really lousy). But what really matters is how you cope with those feelings. That's what NC is really about, coping with your feelings, and accepting reality.
NC is but a tool to accomplish a job, as doing your own thing, allows you to recover, through rebuilding.
Yes we all have those good memories, that make us feel those intense feelings all over again, but play the whole thing (just to be fair about it) and the bad memories have their own intense feelings. That's reality, as the good, and the bad, are taken as a whole experience.
You have to deal with both.
Thank you for the explanations, it makes a lot of sense. Ok so here's what happen a few hours ago after my friend and I left our business. We were driving back home we are roomates and a business partner, anyway my friend looked at his phone and he got a text from her saying "Hey is glen there" and we were both were wondering what duh? And my friend said she called Monday and she text you today what the heck does she want? I am wondering what's going on her mind. Ohh and as I was typing this she actually called and then she text him to say "till glen goodbye forever" what is she trying to do, I don't get it, I don't know what she wants, all of a sudden she just starts calling and txting, should I call her and ask what she wants or just leave it alone I am confused? What do you think it is please help!!
Glen,you ignore her.
Sometimes this is the kind of reaction you get with NC,the ex is insulted that you're no longer there to mess around.
Its mindgames,hoping for a reaction so they can keep the deck stacked in their favour.
Again,ignore-dont break NC,
Ask your friend to block her number and keep moving on.
OK so she txted my friend again saying that if I still love her and if I am talking to any girls. Why would she say that what should my friend text back?
He should IGNORE her.
No replies-let her stew in it,she made her bed,let her sleep in it.
I know I am not going to talk to her. But what do you think she is trying to say?
I can only guess,as I 'm not her-she's most likely angry as she feels she has lost her power over you.
So she starts pestering your friend.
That's my guess,as that's usually how manipulative people with inflated egos act.
Thank you amicon for the advice I really appreciate. There is one thing my friend and I have been talking about. WHy is it when women dates a jerk they complain and complain about how mean they are and how they don't get treated right but they go and keep giving them more than second chances. And after they get their heart broken again and the same thing they come back to them. But then when they finally find the guy that they have been looking for and they get treated they way they should, then later they come to you and say they need space or take things slow. What's up with that. I think its really stupid is it cause they don't know what they want or the nice guy is just to boring for them.
You're very welcome.
As for your question,its never easy to come up with a conclusion that covers all options-we are all different individuals,possibly some people are drawn to the 'bad boy/girl' scenario.
That's just my opinion though.
You may have given your heart to a very insecure, confused person who couldn't handle a good thing, or she just didn't appreciate what she had, or didn't deserve what she had. Take your pick, as the reasons are endless.
Its been 5 days since I did the no contact rule, as you guys can see that my ex called on Monday and she text my friend a lot last night and she called last night also. Today I just got a text from her mom that she will be picking up her stuff tomorrow like the things she had left in my house, I currently just moved and I don't want to see her mom and I don't want her to know where I live, question to ask, why is she all of a sudden txting and wanting to pick up her daughters things? I don't want to see her I hate her mom and she hates me, I don't know why she's the one that wants to get it. Ohh and my ex doesn't have a driver license I know she's 19 and she can't drive. What should I do what should I say. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Box up her things and have them waiting outside for her!Quote:
Originally Posted by Showme_urmove
Better yet drop her stuff off if you don't want her knowing where you live, and leave. ASAP
OK so here it is again. My friend got a text from my ex around 12:24 saying "you still havent talked to glen" then at 12:42 she text again and said "tell glen to call me and that i love him thank you" does she really feel like she need me in her life and she finally know how it feels living her life without me. I don't know, I haven't talked to her for 6 days now, I have kept the NO CONTACT rule so I haven't reach out to her. Can anyone explain why all of a sudden she's doing this. Should I call her and ask what she wants. Had this happen to anyone of you guys. This is the first for me so I don't know what to do in this situation. PLease help I need it thank you.
She wants a spare boyfriend around. Like a spare key just in case she loses the other.
Why the F** would she do that. I don't get it if she wants it over then why would she be all playing and stuff. I hate this relationship stuff. Did this happen to a lot of people, they stay off contact from the ex then the ex goes and starts calling like hell.
Look you need to stop overthinking this. There are what if's and why's we all have in our lives. Move on and by your post I see she has you all upset again. That's the idea and you are falling right into her trap! Get yourself a set , and tell her to leave you alone!Quote:
Originally Posted by Showme_urmove
She is a manipulative controlfreak who can't stand NOT being in control.
Ask your friend to delete her messages and block her number.
I know she's a controlfreak but can you give me a example of a manipulative person I haven't gone across that kind of person and I don't know the diff sorry.
Control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.
Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.
The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak
The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.
Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.
Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.
Are you serious man?
Do you really think this makes sense?
You say you went NC for 6 days!6 days is nothing you need to be strong cause this is the beginning you don't need to ask yourself why this why that?
Jeez the girl is not for you! Tell your friend to stop telling you about her text messages or whatever she does.
NC means you have to tell yourself this person does not exist anymore:
Don't plan a futur together,
Stop thinking about the past,
Stop wondering why this or that,
You need to understand it's the end she's playing like that cause you allowed her to.
Say NO!
PS:don't want to sound rude but I was at this same point 3 months ago and help desk was there to open my eyes.
You keep NC, and get your dignity and self respect back, and you will deal with this control freak on a level that you won't take any more bad treatment from her.
She wants to apologize so she can suck you back into her grips again, so don't fall for that.
I suggest you tell your friend to tell her to stop calling him, looking for you, and stop being her messenger boy. That would be what I would do. And that's the message to send, as she will get the hint you're no longer available for her BS!!
You can get over this . Don't wallow in your misery. She doesn't want you. I'm sorry but what else is it ging to take to make you see this girl is bad news.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get some backbone. Women despise weak men who come crawling back when they snap their fingers.
Believing that your ex is over you before you are over her/him is maddening.Quote:
Originally Posted by Showme_urmove
So... you break contact off, show a backbone, show you intend to not be a puddle of goo... and she is threatened by this.
Don't take her concern for your moving on as being proof she loves you. She most certainly loves feeling in control.
And honestly... who doesn't want to feel like you moved on before your ex?
But she's having a little panic attack because you are doing what is needed for you, and you aren't focused on her... how to get her back, how to win her attention, how to massage that ego...
I opened the very first post I wrote in this thread with a quote from your OP
The answer still is avoid her. For all the same reasons.Quote:
Originally Posted by Showme_urmove
"right" isn't always fun or easy.
Hey guys, I want to let all you know thank you for all the help. You guys had really given me good advice, and I needed it. I am finally re directing my thoughts about her. I am thinking every second that this relationship is over and its been over way before she ended it. I hated myself for thinking that their was a slight chances of hope. So I'm ready to move on and finally to finally have some peace in my heart and on my mind. Thank you everone once again for helping me get through this.
I've done NC with every Big Love breakup but one.
Sometimes right out of the gate. Sometimes after I spend too many weeks, even months, trying to be in that middle ground that just isn't firm footing while you are still wanting more.
The one that I haven't done NC with is the ex with whom I have a child. I simply cannot do NC... but I can do extremely limited contact. We are kind, cordial, and limit our relationship as best we can to being nothing more than parents to a common child we both love.
Accepting that whatever labels there used to be... lover, friend, etc... those were all attached to a relationship that is not just blended into this new one... is hard to do, and powerful when you can do it.
Every time I'm with her, I'm drawn to her. I know I can't be with her. Know its not healthy for either of us. But that primal connection is real and present and there. I'm not over her and I'm not going to be for some time... and the best way for me to keep from driving myself mad is just to self talk my way into a better place.
I remind myself of our new relationship and its boundaries and try my best to not let the old relationship clutter the new one. And I limit my time, big time. I can't do NC, but LC is the next best thing... tho' its much, much more taxing than NC in my experience.
Like I've said before... anytime anyone is trying to move on after anything traumatic... give yourself permission to have those moments when you feel like crap. Anticipate them. Expect them. When it happens, you need to say "ah. yeah. there is it. was wondering when my anxiety might jump"... and then keep talking yourself into staying on track.
I've heard that it can take 6-8 weeks to change a new behavior into a habit... that when its something we don't particularly find easy to do, we should give it easily two months of honest and deliberate trying before we can expect it to be something we just do and less of something we have to force ourselves to do.
Most of my big love breakups... it took much longer to really get over them... but it probably took those few weeks or months just to be ready to start getting over them.
You know you can and will do this!
NC really works-echoing KP, I too have always done NC,except with the father of my child,for obvious reasons-and I have always found it to be a great healing tool.
Good luck,and come back when you need to.
Thank you so much KP and amicon I am so glad you guys are helping me. Today I got a phone from a number I didn't know. I thought it was a customer cause we use our cell as a business #. So when I picked it up it was my ex, she start saying "what were you doing i saw your picks in facebook and you were getting drunk and you were taking picture with this girl". I was still in shock and I didn't know what to say, and then she said I'm only here with my friend amber and all we do is watch a movie, and then she said do whatever you want then I said OK you to then I hang up. Few min later she tried to call again but I ignored her then she text me saying I was going to take you back but then I c all that sh** f**ck you didn't change at all your f** the same as back then! Gross bt its guna be like that fine f** it. Then she called and she text again, then again, u F*** screw up you want me bk prove it! Go F** them bit***s I am done kring 4u get all drunk F** that it grosses me out. I text her back saying if you want to work things out then will talk if you don't then we have no reason to ever contacting each other, we were no longer together so you have to reason to get mad.
I don't know why she said that cause when we were dating I stopped doing everything, stop talking to everyone I know. She didn't like all my friends and I stopped going to all the parties. All I can say is why is she going crazy, I really do want to move on and not having her in my life, but she keeps doing this guilt trip, after I sent that text she hasn't responded. What do you think this is, did any of your ex had done this kind of stuff. Am I really the bad person. Why did she starts getting mad and stuff. I am so confuse at this moment. Am I wrong? I know this is long but thank you for reading it. Any advice would help thank you!
She. Is. A. Manipulative. Controlfreak. Who is p****d off big time that puppydog isn't towing the line anymore.
Read and reread.
Then read again.
Now just IGNORE her.
Please.
OMG ! Man do you know that we are on page 12, more than 100 answers to your post.
Sorry it is a shame that you come to ask this question after saying you were over her and thanking KP and Amicon. Don't thank them cause the truth is you say you want to heal but you obviously don't do much for it.
You should not ask again why is she doing this or that and you know it.
If you plan to spend your life going back and forth please don't waste your time coming here.
Sorry to sound rude but I think you have to understand whatever we tell you , you go back, keep stupid asking questions: why is she doing this or that?what is she thinking?
You broke up or what?
I know NC is hard but there are plenty of people doing it with success.
But to be in this place one day you need to stop feeding this foolish and be a man.
Jeez the girl is not for you!!
Whatever she says or texts it doesn't mean anything.
Read the title of your post and read the answers. How do you feel about yourself?
This girl treats you this way for one reason :YOU ALLOWED HER TO.
I am so glad you are not with her. I do not find any decency or worth in this girl’s action and language. She is psycho crap, and her behavior smells so bad. I wonder how you found her attractive in the first place.
Please stay away from this useless, abusive, but only worthless drama crap FOREVER.
Do you know you can claim the civil case with her text message and phone calls? She is harassing you.
You are nuts if you miss her or think you want to go back with her even for a second. Thank god, she left you. If you left her, she would kill you. She is just obnoxious and out of control.
SMAILE, ignore her forever, and move on!
Please, please hang out with a nice and decent girl in future (only after you resolve this mess.)
Good Luck!
Somebody needs to wash her mouth out with soap.
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