Haha, that solves that problem, now doesn't it!
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Haha, that solves that problem, now doesn't it!
Ive been apart from my ex 9 months ,we have no contact , she lives 5 doors down from me , I say hello, that's all , she dumped me went back to her ex, no reason or anything , Ive been dating again several months now, so far so good, yes I still have lingering thoughts about her, but she's doing me a massive favour not getting in touch. This was the second time round with her after 2 and a half years, she dumped once , went back to her ex, I was heartbroken , she kept texting me inviting me round for coffee , no sex, just stringing me along, when it went sour with her ex , she hauled me back in, 4 weeks later she dumps me, I promised myself I was never going to hurt like I did before , she wasn't worth it, that gave me some strength , I didn't pine after her, in fact I hated her, now it doesn't matter who she sees and what she does, if she ever text me again Id just ignore her , I'm worth a lot more than that , my new girlfriend can see and appreciates that about me, my ex has done me a favour , shame she moved back on the same street as me last week, but we can't have it all ways ! Do yourself a favour , get over her , she doesn't want to know , she's just using you because she knows you'l be there for her.
So you guys really think she thinks that she could have me back whenever she wanted?
I hope not.
I've got to chime in here... YES. I think that. Thus far your actions have made that very clear that you'd allow her to have her way with you anytime.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sledsik
Your thoughts and feelings are normal, however; remember only you control your actions. Respect yourself and the world will follow.
So is there any way to make her not think she has that power then. Or by keeping NC does it slowly fade away?
By ignoring her.
Keep NC forever and completely ignore her-forever.
well, honestly, she does have that power a little, until you decide not to care about what she thinks.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sledsik
the focus here is not "is she strong", "is she hurting", "is she missing me", "is she playing games", "what is she thinking"...
the focus is "what i think and feel is what matters"... you have to accept that she can think whatever she wants... it doesn't matter.
its hard to do. You have to keep telling yourself that over and over. In time, it'll all pass. Nobody here can tell you how long it'll take... honestly it took me well over a year to really get over my first big love lost. And the next time, it took less time... and the next time even less. You just learn to understand some things about yourself and what you need to do to get from A to B.
right now, you are struggling, in part, because you don't really want this breakup. Given a wish, you'd still be together.
but... as things are, you aren't together and you aren't going to be... so you are trying to find peace living with option B... being healthy. And being healthy means you keep reminding yourself of what you need and why you are doing it. It's a lot more work. It means you have to fight your feelings a lot. Not fun stuff. Been there more than id like.
but this is the place where you start meddling with what some call the cognitive thought process... where you start to train yourself to make your actions based more on your beliefs than your feelings.
the idea is that feelings can be wacked. Unpredictable. Sudden. Changing. And while sometimes you must quickly act upon them without much thought, such as when there is an emergency, most of the time its better to try to gauge your actions based on your beliefs.
it sounds like heady stuff, but it does work. You just need to keep it rolling around your head long enough... tell yourself anything long enough and you tend to believe it.
example. Somebody calls a guy a punk. What should he do? Well... if you are on the street, you might slough it off if that kind of noise just happens all the time without consequences. You might confront the person, especially if they are a part of your social circle. You might get in their face. You might fight.
if you are in prison and somebody call you a punk, you fight immediately. No hesitation. Somebody can call you all kinds of other "nastier" names and you might not give a damn... but if you are called a punk and you don't hit back, your life inside will be a living hell. Everybody will know you are a "punk" and everybody will know you won't fight back. That is The Reality.
so... whatthehelldoesthishavetodowithyou?
the second case might seem driven by fear or anger, but its really about a firm belief concerning survival. In the first case, it isn't about survival, so there seems to be more options.
so... you start to have those times when you are feeling like crap. She keeps creeping into your head and your stomach is just in knots.
its your job to focus less on how you feel (like crap) and more on what will be healthy... you need to trust the process, and that's hard to do right now because, like I said at the beginning, you don't have complete buy-in... you want to be with her, but cant. So you are doing your best to accept option B, like it or not.
given a choice, and focused on my feelings, id never live apart from my son, age 6. if I focus on my feelings about this, it tears me up. I absolutely love that kid. He's my bud. But I believe I have a healthier relationship with his mother apart. And I believe my being healthy is most important. So... I don't live with my son anymore. It doesn't feel "right" all the time. Makes me sad often. But I trust and believe its needed. I see him as much as I can and make the most of my time with him, and it seems to work.
I focus not as much on what I feel, but what I believe needs to be... and trusting that everything else will fall in place.
that trust is hard to find, but you'll get there. Give yourself space and time, allow yourself to hurt and struggle, and accept that this is just where you are at the moment, not where you are going to be "stuck"
you punk.
=) joking.
You want your balls (power) back? Well then man up...
Don't play her games. Don't allow her to manipulate you. As the other have said just ignore her. Should you run into her say hello and go on about your business. It's not necessarily about ignoring but rather just be unaffected by her actions, emotions, and tantrums. Be a man.
Do the NC, and do your own thing. Then it won't matter what she thinks, or if she has power over you, or not.
Great, well I slipped up and sent her a text last night when I was drinking. Bothering me a little bit but not A lot, can def tell that I have been getting over her because she hasn't texted back and I don't really care if she does.
Well,you aren't the first,nor will you be the last person who has 'drunk-texted' an ex.
Lesson learned, I hope...
Feel kind of depressed. I just deleted some pictures on Facebook of the ex and I and deleted all the wall posts between each other. I hope this was a good move. I don't really care if this upsets her or thinks I'm childish for doing it. Ive been doing okay just some of these moments of being depressed and sad are really making it hard sometimes. :-(
Keep remembering that this is for you.
After a week or so, I threw out every photo, love note, memento, belonging that I new was going to remind me. (including emails & numbers, blocked her at the same time)
All with tears in my eyes.
I even found love notes buried in my sock drawer months later. Got me pissed not sad.
Well turns out that after I did that she untagged herself from the photos as well and right when that happened she says she is in a relationship. I actually surprised though that its not getting to me that much. Still sucks though but what can you do.
More reinforcement to move on.
Good for you.
Her birthday is Saturday, she better not plan on hearing anything from me lol.
She won't
This completely sucks. I was out with some friends last night and ended up texting her Happy Birthday and that I hoped she had a great day. After that I asked her if she hated me and I haven't gotten anything back. Got home last night and deleted her from Facebook. I just don't know what's wrong with me.. I thought I would be over this by now but I guess Im not. I am just really doubting that these feelings won't end. Why do things have to be the way they are? I was nothing but good to this girl.
Texting whilst out on the town with friends-etc-is never a good thing.
All you achieved was making yourself feel down in the dumps!
Stick to NC.
Will this feeling for her ever end?
It will,it might take a while longer,but you'll get there,we all do.
Of course it will if, you stop screwing yourself in the a$$ by stirring up old feelings, and misery by your OWN actions.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sledsik
You have to see your doing this to yourself, and it seems when your "having a night on the town", or translation... drinking!!
Alcohol makes you feel great at first, then stupid, then depressed that you were stupid.
Steer clear of the alcohol when your feeling down haha I learned this the hard way.
Yup. Its up to you. Not us.
Get out of denial asap. Tell yourself its over & done with.
As may times as it takes.
Time to go NC, my man.
Hey everybody, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who had a say in my thread. It really did help talking to you guys. Its been a while since I have even been on here, been working out a lot and feeling a lot better about how I look and all that. I still think about her everyday but catch myself taking longer to think about her after I wake up. Thanks again, take care.
It is not easy, and there are still lows, but you do start to think... hmmm... I used to [insert annoying thought about ex] every [much to often if not all the time]...Quote:
Originally Posted by Sledsik
And then one day you realize maybe it happens only half as much. Or maybe you get through a busy day and don't think about it at all. Et cetera.
2.3 steps forward and 2 steps back is still progress... and we rarely EVER give ourselves credit for those good days... it's the days when all is off, when your heart hurts or your mind is racing... that's what sticks out.
Just human nature.
Seven a dozen decent hours plus one or two off hours often equals a "bad day"... oh well
Hey everyone, I didn't think that I would be back on here for quite some time. Just kind of feeling down again for no reason, I can't wait for the day that I don't think of my ex. Is it normal to still feel like this even after 5 months? The hard part is I just feel so empty and alone at times and just have these thoughts that Ill never find my girl. Just had to vent to somebody..
I understand how hard that can be. But if you did your best to treat her right, you should be satisfied. Yeah, it's going to hurt, but while you're hurt about it, she's sleeping at night. It's her loss. Some people just don't know when they really have something good coming for them. I'm a living testimony. Even if you don't understand why she broke up with you, she will eventually. Just hang in there.:cool:
So what are you saying HeavenlySpiced, you think she will think about what happened down the road and second guess her decision?
This thread helped me. I screwed up and broke NC because she texted me asking if I wanted to talk. I talked, opened up about wanting to start over (because that's what I had been hoping to do), it was too much for her and now we are back to NC. Wish I wouldn't have talked to her and kept NC going. NC is the only way. Even if she wants to test you to see if you'll jump back in, keep the NC going. The only chance she will ever come back is if you become a man and don't give an f that she contacted you. If you ever talk to her again don't mention anything about wanting a relationship. She will be attracted to what she can't have and you need to become what she can't have. Where are you from anyway?
Don't fall into the trap. NC isn't supposed to be a tool by which you can win her back (though it can be used that way). It's meant to help you win YOURSELF back. Go back to being yourself, find a way to be happy with yourself. Once your happiness is your own again, and you no longer feel like you need ANYTHING from her to be happy, then you can truly decide what it is that you want.
I am happy most of the time, been working out a lot and have been in the best shape of my life. Also have a interview for verizon which I hope I get. Im just trying to be the guy that every girl wants. Kyle I am from Iowa by the way, how about yourself?
I'm glad you've made good progress, and I don't want this to seem too picky... but the place you need to be... the one where things get really good... is when you stop trying to be that guy every girls wants and you make sure you are the guy you need to be for yourself...Quote:
Originally Posted by Sledsik
And that doesn't mean there isn't overlap... for ex, if you think being fit or successful or accomplished might help your cause with a prospective mate, you are probably right... right? And this, of course, is good for you, good for yourself confidence, etc...
... just make sure that you keep You in mind...
And I say this from experience... a few times along the way I made choices based on what I thought would be best for the relationship, and especially what I thought the girl wanted... and a couple of those decisions were in direct conflict with what I wanted on a big scale... which meant I regretted that decision in the long run...
So...
Just trying to make sure I can muddle this up and confuse you as much as possible... its fine to be considerate for a mates needs and wants. Its great to think about what areas in your life you can improve, and in what ways can you possibly be a more desirable mate. No problem with that.
The problem happens when you lose yourself in the process of "doing whats right to keep the girl"... it is much better to be true to what you need and who you are and lose the girl for all the right reasons than to bend yourself too much out of shape to make that square peg fit that round hole.
I only say this cause it is so easy to do... been there. Done it. Took a long time to learn that its less important to be desirable to a broad group of potential mates if that means you are denying some aspect of yourself that will bite you in the arse eventually.
I'm a flippin' rainbow of happy colors tonight, eh?
Hey guys I just read this whole thread.
Hearing your story and people's responses has really helped me.
I recently (3 weeks ago) had my heart torn to pieces when my ex of 2.5yrs told me we were over. I'm coming to accept the fact that we weren't right for each other and we grew apart.
I have basically been full NC since the breakup, apart from one night when we talked on IM just about random stuff, then I told her we shouldn't contact each other for a long time and it's been NC since.
It has definitely helped me move on, though I'm still hurting like you. You will get through this just like I will too.
Just remember that this time that has been given to you, to be single, is a great time to improve areas of YOUR life. It dosen't matter what your ex is up to or if they're thinking about you - they've already made their choice. Take a deep breath and say "I'm no longer going to give anymore power to my ex. This is my life and it is worth so much more than this."
Chin up! :)
Keep us updated
A little disappointed in the lack of updates..
We all of us have relationships some work out for weeks, some for months, and some for a lifetime.
With those that are short term, regard those as practice.
With those that last longer, again more practice.
Obviously long term or forever means you got it right.
However you also need to be aware that with some relationships you'll know why they ended, and with some you'll never know why, and also perhaps the person ending the relationship didn't know why themselves, they just knew they no longer felt they wanted to continue with the relationship.
This happens a lot, it doesn't mean you were at fault or the other person just that the relationship you had had run its course.
Im sure by now you'll be well on your way to getting over the relationship.
Hey again everyone. Just a question for you, how exactly do you know if your ex is in a rebound relationship? The only reason I ask is because my ex is starting to come around. We talked on the phone for the past week sometimes for 2 hours. I could tell something was wrong and I got her to talk about it then she says that's she should have never broke up with me and that the grass was not greener on the other side. Thing is she has a boyfriend right now so I don't really know what to do or expect. I would still consider to see her again but I don't know what I can do right now. Can anyone help me please?
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