I don't even know why I ask that... I knew the response I would get
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I don't even know why I ask that... I knew the response I would get
You gave her the chioce. She made it... so my answer to you is No. Do not waste your time, you will feel worse later. I guarantee it. In your own words you said the ball is in her court. Why would you need to contact her? Let her do her thing. She knows how you feel and if she wanted you she would let you know. She doesn’t. You are thinking about “what ifs” and maybe somewhere down the road you will get back together but that is false hope and something I have dealt with in my past. The truth is she doesn’t want to be with you and if she did she wouldn’t need time away or whatever. This is the sign of someone that is not willing to work through problems, at least not with you. Do you really want someone like that in your life??Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
I feel your pain, I really do but when one person doesn’t want to work at a relationship. It will fail! Hope you make the right choice buddy.
If you really feel that you should remind her of your feelings, then send her a message. But don't expect anything to change. You've been with her for years. If she doesn't know how you feel by now, then 1-2 more messages won't change anything.
Think about it this way, if you send her a message, whatever she responds, you will completely over-analyze every word. If she doesn't respond, you will feel guilty because you will think that you've pushed her away further.
The bottom line is, it's up to her if she wants to give you another chance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
You will do what you are going to do regardless but let me just say this... I came here looking for replies on what I WANTED to hear, not what I NEEDED to hear. There is a common theme on these threads and I didn't see it at first and you don't seem to either. That's OK but trust me when these guys and galls are all saying the same thing, don't you think that's for a reason? Its to help you and save you pain and suffering
I Wish - I totally agree. Its just so freakin hard to sit here (not literally Im doing stuff) and do nothing. I just can't imagine that helping my chances in my situation. Yes, its suppose to be about me and yes Im probably just making it worse on myself by not giving up but the fact is... that I just don't want to yet you know? I know that may sound silly to a lot of you guys and it may sound that way to me in several months but right here right now, Im not ready to give up on this yet.
I do believe my feelings have been put out there, so that's not the issue. I just don't want her to think I quit.
New guy - Know where your coming from too, but like I said, sitting here seems like its hurting our chances more than helping. I don't mean Im going to go over there and kiss her and throw I love you's all over the place but just something subtle.
What do you think about me writing this in the card. And only this...
"You may be out of sight, but never out of my mind. I miss you"
Like... I really really don't know what to do in this situation. Like I said, my feelings are ALL out there, but she knows I quit on everything and Im sure she expects me to give up. This is ridiculous and frustrating
Calm down, either she makes her choices without any influence from you, or you will push her away by putting romance and BEGGING over positive actions.
Forget her, and show yourself, that you haven't quite on yourself, by making some good adjustments to both your thoughts and actions that make you better, FOR YOURSELF.
Forget the card.
Ok... still haven't contacted her. I re-thought the card idea. I do however, think Im going to write... "Dont mistake my silence for me giving up. Im respecting your space. I am here if and when you need to talk" on a pieace of notebook paper and put it in her mailbox or something. That's really brief and I don't think it sounds like begging. Go ahead, let me have it, I know its coming.
No! That is still not following our advice, what we have done works. This desperate plea for her to contact you is not a good idea
I agree with Rome, sounds desperate and lame to me.
No contact means NO CONTACT!
Forget cards,notes and stick to your NC.
You're still hanging there-start moving,as in on.
I've done good so far I think... if "good" is defined by not contacting her. Just somebody tell me they see what Im saying. I don't know that Im right or wrong, but just understand where I am coming from about being afraid that she may think Im quitting on her.
However, now that I think about it, this help desk is to make me better. Not to get us back together... right? Holy hell I hate being confused like this.
I will tell you this though... I had a long 7 or 8 page letter that I was going to leave her a few days after we broke up. It was full of Im sorry's and what if's and Im glad I didn't send that. Thank you for helping me through that. At this point, Im just afraid she thinks Im giving up.
I don't understand how stuff like this happens. Really, I don't. I found emails and cards and notes she had left like 2 weeks before all this happened talking about how much she needed me and how this was forever and so on. Now this, I just flat out do not understand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
Look at yourself. Seriously, just look at yourself and the tripe you're concocting in order to reach out yet one more time… BY GOD MAN GET A GRIP!!
You're heartbroken and you're delusional at the moment. This isn't your favorite chick flick. You're not a white night and doves won't fly from her arse when she reads yet another dribbling profession of your love.
Suck it up.
She knows how you feel. Let it go. Be patient. Sorry to say patience may require more then 5-7 days, think months. The best thing you can do right now is keep those feelings and delusional thoughts of grandeur inside and make an honest attempt to move on with your life. Go hit a gym, learn something, make some friends, do community service, anything, something to get your brain occupied.
Not everything in life is logical. As the saying goes, $hit happens. Her thoughts of you, for you, have swayed. They can sway again. The most refreshing thing you can do is deal with it appropriately.
Let go of the false hope-it's been two months.
Accept that at some point,preferably this instant,you have to start moving on.
You need to get your life back,instead of staying stuck in this confusion and wishful thinking.
Its been 2 weeks. And I'm not "reaching out one more time." Ive not reached out at all! That's my point!!
I do workout, been working out for 4 days a week for 3 years or so. I do have hobbies and friends and I know what you are trying to tell me but I'm not saying I'm dying, or just laying sobing in the floor. I mean it hurts like crazy! Im a pretty strong willed person, and I know I can go NC. I don't know, but I think I can. BUT... I honestly just don't feel like this is the right thing for us. I say that, in mind, that there is a lot more to it then I could ever write on here. But yes, she did break up with me, so maybe you all are right. Its not a dilusional crazy feeling I just conjured up because she broke up with me. I have a level head on my shoulders, I haven't in any way acted irrations towards her and I just don't think it should be over
If you want to stay in contact with her, it could easily generate false hope. If you can separate false hope and communicating with her, then by all means, go for it.
The reason you need NC is to heal from the break up and to alleviate the false hope, so that you don't prolong the pain and suffering.
To be completely honest, at this point I don't think I could separate the 2. I do want it to work...
I can sympathize as it's extremely difficult to let go overnight. It takes time to let go. Grieve as long as you need. Every heals at their own pace. You've got to find your own comfortable pace.
Just know that NC is always available when you're ready to heal. NC is also only one of many tools to help you heal.
Welcome to the real world where feelings and hearts change all the time whether you accept it or not.
Your biggest problem is that whenever you do get contact with her, you are constantly asking her how she feels, or promising how you have changed. How about next time you see her or whatever, if you ever do. DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP AT ALL!
Do not ask how she feels about you!
Instead show her a good time, show her some fun!
This is the way she will fall in love with you again.
SHe is not going to fall in love with you again with your constant sobbing, and asking how she feels, or you telling her you miss her, or pleaing to her you will be better.
SHOW IT. And once you show it, DO NOT ASK HER, am I doing good? You like the new me.
Quit asking, and show some confidence in yourself, she will see this.
UPDATE: Ok contrary to dyno's post above I haven't been contacting her. We were on diff pages. Anway, after 2 weeks of absolutely no contact, I called her tonight. She answered. She sounded really tired and just worn out. I mean she has been working from 7am to 11pm this week. She is still stressed I can tell. BUT, we talked for about 10 minutes. Just a friendy conversation, I asked how everything was going with her and she replied saying money was tight and just told me about what's been going on. Then she ask, how I'd been. I told her my work had been crazy, and its most def has been. We just talked back and forth about those 2 things, and her dog, for 10 min or less and I said I had to go because I just got home and had to get started on something for work. So... I ended the conversation. I did NOT want to talk about "us" at this point and we didn't. I didn't say I missed you or anything at all like that. But me calling says that I was thinking about her and cared without me actually saying those words I think. I tried to sound upbeat but not like I didn't care, you know what I mean. Before we got off the phone I did say it was good to hear from you, and she said the same back.
Now, I have a serious feeling that Im fresh in her mind and she's prob stewing over the relationship now. I was never sold from the beginning that it was over but I swear to you, its amazing how if you just step back and don't be emotional, or let those feelings pass a little, and think logically how much you learn about yourself and what went wrong. But I hope she is stewing over us.
My question is, if I don't hear from her this weekend, that would give her Fri, Sat and Sun to hopefully be excitied that I called. Remember I was afraid that she would think I gave up on us, because she thinks that's what I do in situations like this. She thinks I run... and for good reason. I have before, not with us, but when things get hard, before I did tend to just say the hell with it. Anyway, a little excited sorry getting off track. Im trying not to get my hopes up, but do you think I should call on Mon and ask her out to dinner. I won't say to talk about us or anything just, how was your weekend, do you want to meet me for dinner on ____ day at _____ time. What do you think?
PLEASE don't just say its false hope! I mean, if you think it is then go for it, but don't just say that one liner and let that be your response.
And... if she says no to dinner, whether it be just "i cant" or in a round about way like "im not ready for all that yet" do you think that's my sign that's its over over?
Thanks
Hi MLB
You've done what you needed to do in your mind and that was to not sit around and let her know you still care/are still around. You've done that now so the ball is in her court , if she doesn't contact you from here surely you'll get the message right?
Sorry to be harsh but don't contact her again , she knows how you feel , I personally think your letting yourself in for a big fall unfortunately , I hope I'm wrong I really do.
I hope you are too! Didn't want that to sound mean, but... I do. I know you all deal with this everyday and everybody has a different story. Its weird, its like I just feel in my heart that its not over. I don't know why. Lord knows if it is over, I wish that would go away, but it won't.
Let me ask you this, do you think that calling her Monday is the wrong thing to do. If so, please explain. I mean, I would get my answer wouldn't I? I wouldn't be pushy or anythign I don't even know what I would say, but I think the first hurdle was cleared when I called and she answered and we had a good short conversation. Yes, maybe she was just being curtious, Ill say it before you do. But is asking her to dinner wrong?
Did she tell you she was ready to meet up and discuss things?
No.
Has anything changed except the fact that you broke NC and jumped right back on the false hope train again?
When are you going to allow yourself to let this go?
Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
I don't think he gets it, this one... gonna have to learn the hard way
I agree with friend4u178. You did what you felt you needed to do. What I don't get MLB33 why do you keep asking for advice? Several gave you their opinions and you did, and do, what you feel and there's nothing wrong with doing as you feel. Contrary to what you may think the advice dispensed here is generally through our life experiences. Newguy2009 said it best, you need to learn this lesson for yourself.
Why not just post what you're going to do and tell us the outcome? It's a great learning tool for others who come here for help and advice.
You first broke up Jan, 2008. Your still broken up. She said you could call or email, you did.
You had a short conversation by phone, chit chat basically, now you want to take her to dinner.
Through out this whole thread its all about you getting her back, and never about healing.
Do you realize that you have been apart almost as long as you were together?
One day it will dawn on you that what matters is what's in her heart, and you haven't accepted it but your call either has her suspicious that you don't get it yet, or your willing to just be friends.Quote:
Its weird, its like I just feel in my heart that its not over.
Dude this is 2 years of your life you have wasted by waiting for this girl to come back to you. That's 730 days, of wanting, wishing and hoping. Aren't your tired of hanging around waiting for her to come and say "i want you" she hasn't yet, and she won't.
Ima - Will do. I realize that Im disputing everything you guys say. Who's to say you're right or Im wrong, BUT you all def have the upper hand on me in the "experience" column.
Ami and New - Maybe I will fall flat on my face. I actually thought I was making a little progress. Of course I didn't fall in love all over again last night and smile through the night. I know what's going on here. She broke up with me... I get that! What you all fail to realize, is that I don't want to let it go right now. I don't want to move on. In most cases on here, that prob means people are sitting at home sulking and they need to find motivation to get up and do stuff. 100% agree with that. I have a life, its too freakin busy to just sit and cry. Yes, it hurt like you have no idea. It still does, it's a little better though and I know that NC is a tried and true method of healing yourself and possibly getting an ex back
All of these threads on here say:
"What if she ignores me, or she wont return my calls." That's the first time I've called and she picked up and we had a brief conversation. I don't believe I did anything wrong. I realize Im going against the grain here but Im just asking for you to come out of your box... for just a minute. Not asking for you to say, "hey pal, youre the man go for what you want." I know I can't dive in headfirst but I will not give up and just be passive. I'll give her space and time and all of that but I won't just wait and let this pass us by.
She just had a friend that got divorced like 4 months ago. We both knew them. The girl called it off. I said well what did he do about. She said "nothing!" He didn't call or do show any concern whatsoever. She sounded shocked by that. Now, the girl has a new b/f and I don't know what he's doing.
Not trying to argue at all, Im sorry Im really not. You just write every single situation off as, just go NC. You are a moron if you don't go NC.
ITS NOT THE SAME RELATIONSHIP!! Totally diff girl, and TOTALLY diff situation
Tali and Rome - We started dating in March of 2008. Brand new girl. We have been together as of the last 3 weeks. New girl, this is the first time we have broken up. There's no way in hell I would wait on a girl for 2 years. Geez, if this is what everybody on here thinks... I understand why you think Im a nut
Tali - I don't know how this works really but do you have the capability to split my threads back up. The new one starts at the bottom of page 8 and its called "a different kind of space." People are getting confused because they are reading the top part of my really old thread and its not the same one.
Thank you
What your not getting is it's stupid to sit around and wait for a girl no matter what. I don't care if it's a couple days, sure I've mourned girls leaving me, everyone does, but to simply keep out hope is idiocy. You claim your story is different, everyone that comes on here claims that, but they rarely ever are. I said mine was different, it wasn't same stuff happened.
MLB33 go back and see the post I wrote, #145. Better yet, here's the point I'm trying to get across,
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imabadman
Yes it was and my mistake, as there was no resolution to the first post so I ASSUMED, AND PRESUMED they were the same girl, and my apologies for that. I have split the two posts up for now.Quote:
ITS NOT THE SAME RELATIONSHIP!! YOU MERGED THE THREADS
However, When going back, and rereading both your posts, and the responses you got then, and now was I amazed at the fact that they were almost identical, except for the dates.
Now lets get back to this girl, and why everyone is telling you to leave her alone.
You simply are to emotionally involved and your feelings have you blind to the facts. That's what NC is all about, to stop the feelings from being stirred up and help your ability to see the facts.
If the process works, you can choose your course of action, from the facts and not just the feelings. You may think your situation is unique to all the other humans of the world, but its not. We all go through this, every single one of us, and making good reasonable decisions is our best way forward, and not impulsive actions because of our feelings, which most times screws things up even worse.
Yes you stepped back for a minute, and then jumped in again. Now your back to limbo wondering about the next move, and how to get her to change her mind. There is a reason that tactic seldom works, because for one, no honest communications have taken place, and like the merging of your threads was confusing, because of assuming, and presuming, so is thinking you are on her mind and she is ready for a dinner date.
Don't know about you but I do know the consequences of forcing yourself on a female, and trying to get more than she is willing, or ready to give. But of course you have already ignored the experience of previous relationships and here you are again doing exactly the same thing.
But that's what we humans do, (some of us) when we don't learn from past experience, it happens again and again, until we do.
Just curious, what made you give up on the previous relationship??
Probably another female that came along, am I right, or wrong AGAIN?
We're all different individuals and handle our lives differently.
All relationships are unique,BUT when the breakup has occurred,there are many similarities in the way the dumper and the dumpee act and react-and that,in my opinion,is what is happening here.
Again,in my opinion, that's why we keep saying NC to avoid the confusion,overanalyzing and ,most likely, false hope.
The one way to heal a broken relationship is if the two people involved are willing to actively working on getting back together and by working through the issues that caused the split.
Sorry,but I can't see that happening here.
Then why come here for advice?Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
NC is not about getting her back, It's about helping you heal and MOVE ON!
Read this: I think it will help you. Its about getting your "ex" back
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ck-187766.html
Ok, lot of responses to give here. First of all, thank you splitting these up. Secondly, Im sorry if I come across as a little emotional on here sometimes, I know all of you are trying to help or you wouldn't even bother, but I guess my defense mechanism (do I have one of those?) goes up when everybody is telling me what I don't want to hear. See... I do get it, of course I want to hear somebody say go for it. I know the reality of this. Yes, of course I believe that my situation is different but who doesn't. One of the reasons I believe that is that when we talked she just flat out sound drained and worn out. Im not trying ot give myself any sort of hope when I say, I know the decisions she has had to make recently, work and grad school have taken the life out of her. If Im being honest, it does piss me off a little trying to understand why or how Im the expendable one you know? I mean this is the girl that wanted to marry me and I don't have a clue what I was waiting on. Like I was waiting on trumpets to sound and a light from the heavens shine down on her or something. I realize if you want something to happen you have to make it happen. Things don't just fall into place. In that scenerio anyway, not speaking for NC here.
New - Thank you for the link
Rome - I understand what you are saying man, I really really do. I just believe that you all think Im crying at my computer right now and Im not. Im thinking logically. You may be completely right when you tell me not to wait, but Im simply just not ready to give up on this yet.
Tali - Im in no way forcing anyting on her. Like the dinner date you referred to. Yes, I am prob going to ask her to eat with me. I don't know yet, got to have a plan I do know that. I don't just want to wing this.
I have not ignored the previous relationship and from the outside looking in, they are VERY similar. However, yes you are RIGHT haha about I got over it because I found a new girl. Its this girl I found Im talking about now. The previous girl, from the 1st thread was a manipulative, tricky... person. I knew it the whole time but to be honest it was the first time Id been rejected and I had no clue what it felt like not to be wanted. I was emotional and I think it was more because I couldn't have her than I really wanted her because I knew I wasn't happy with her. Please do not use what I just said against me with NC. I know, we as humans want what we can't have. Different case here.
Whew... fingers cramping...
Ami - I know each relationship is unique. Including mine. I also realize there is no way this is going to work with only 1 of us trying. BUT, I don't know what she's thinking. She is a strong girl and very very stubborn at times. Maybe you are spot on when you say she doesn't want to be with me, but I just can't see things changing this much, over such a short period. Like I said, the same girl that was just stupid in love with me 2 months ago. She is very very stressed. Not saying you are wrong, but just adding to it.
Wow, sorry that was long. Thank you all for helping :)
Adding one thing: Im not really back in limbo. I know what you mean but when I left the note and after we talked I never expected a response. That's why I made both so short and sweet. I believe that I left the lines for communication open but I didn't end the call sounding like I was waiting for her to say "I love you" or anything like that. I just said it was good to hear from you, she said the same and we said bye. Ive not been waiting bye the phoen but it would be a lie if I said I didn't want her to call. That would make things so much easier for me to run with if that happened. Im not saying this was any kind of big breakthrough but I think I played it as well as I could have. So... yeah ha.
What do you expect then? SHE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL!! The TRUTH is, she doesn't feel the same way and that's obvious. You are going to ask her to dinner? You expect or hope she will accept but in all reality you are setting up yourself for a big let down buddy. Because if she agrees it will only be as friends and you want something more. If she declines you will ask yourself why and overanalyze her decision and drive yourself nuts.Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
She told you it was too late and that she didn't want it anymore
She asked for space and now you are asking her to dinner? That's not giving space in any way shape or form.
Your hurt, I get it. You come here for advice and yet you only hear what you want to hear. In the end you will do what you want to do. But I hate to say I told you so when that time comes, and it will.
When someone asks you for space, you give it to them. Crowding them will do only negative things happening.
I'm probably done with this thread because you simply don't want our advice. You'd rather argue with things that have been proven to work. Look at all the posts on here about people who kept contacting their ex, see how that worked out
Ok I'll tell you what. Rome don't jump ship yet. Im just going to post what I do and what happens and you guys and girls can't comment on that.
You talk to me like Im showing up at her door begging her, sending her flowers, letters, cards, etc etc and that's not the case. Im asking you questions and you just want to tell me how foolish I am.
New: Thanks for the response, I do know this could shake me up and Id be in the dump for a while. That would def suck. Def def suck. Maybe I do need to get beat up some more to understand, or maybe Im doing the right thing. I will post what I do and what happens and WILL report back to you all either way. And I won't be ashamed to say that you were right. This is not a pissing battle between us, but I can't just sit and wait. Yes, I will sit and wait, LIKE IVE BEEN DOING, until I think the time is right. Then Ill make one more little move. Hell Im not going to propose to her. Sorry if that response sounded frustrated
So did you take time to heal from the breakup of two years ago?
Or is the most recent ex in fact a rebound?
I can see guite a few similarities from the first thread.
What did you learn from your first breakup?
Its been suggested that you read other threads similar to yours, I second that.
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