It isn't a matter of how you appear to her. You don't get it do you. Your still worried about her and what she is thinking. Your still doing the needy ex thing.

You need to forget her and how you appear to her and move on. That's what she is doing after all.

So she deleted you from MSN. You were blocked anyway. Who cares? What's the difference.

Look, I know it hurts and I know for a few months you cling onto hope that it will still work out.
Well I can tell you first hand that the more quick you can get that rubbish out of your head and begin to worry about yourself and not her the better.

She isn't coming back and no amount of reconcile, MSN or whatever is going to change that. Sorry if I sound harsh. Im not, but I'm being honest and I have been where you are now. And I can tell you it is a silly and foolish place to be in!

Your kidding yourself and making it harder to heal and move on.

So accept that she is now once and for all in the past and worry more about yourself and less worry about her and what she may think of you. Because you know what? She isn't thinking of you!

She's gone and isn't coming back.

Time to move on! She has!

Your looking for answers to questions that don't exist. Please for the good of yourself accept it is over. You need to do this in order to begin healing!

Skell said it best 4answers, sorry Skell I had to spread the rep so could not rate you.

I won't add much more as Skell was spot on and he speaks from experience too...

You are still punishing yourself and stuck in this limbo of false hope... To be honest, sometimes I still get this, perhaps at night when I lay alone, I think about it but you have to try and block these thoughts..

She is gone and most probably getting on with her life and it is sad to say, but she most likely is not thinking about you at all. I know you must hurt as I do too and it seems wrong doesn't it, but it is what it is and nothing can change that...

You can't change it 4answers, no matter what you do... Everytime you come back here, I can sense the false hope pouring out of what you write. Its over!!

I'm not sure if you have even began any process of healing or working on you... I don't know, maybe you have but even so, you must continue this process.. I ditto what Skell says too, I don't mean to sound harsh but you really do need to know what the score is.

Geoff is right (sorry Geoff, could not rep you!), you are not even thinking of walking along that long road to recovery.

What you need to do urgently is get those walking boots on and get going, the sooner you start the better you'll feel.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

Her internal switch of interest flicked to non interest and once that happened nothing I did / do makes a happeth of difference.

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Nothing you do now will ever make a difference to what happened or what will happen next except for the difference it makes to you and you progress in becoming healthy again.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

It just feels so wrong, she is missing out on a lot of love and there is F*** All I can do about it !

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How do you know she is missing out? She may be missing out on this love but that might not be something she really wants right now and forget what she regrets later on in life, that is for her to deal with and not your responsibility.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

You know when you just want to sceam at the situation !!! Your being forced down a road of no contact, heartbreak, pain and loss and its so not what you want ! And its so not what she wants out of life.... Irony, what she wanted is what she give up.... You go figure !

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How do you know for sure what she really wants out of life>>>right now! What people want changes over time. I understand the pain you have but this pain is yours and not hers and you cannot make assumptions about what someone else truly wants. It is also important to understand that what she needs and what she wants may be two very different things right now.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

Where Now ! Do you continue to try whilst she moves on or do you not try and live life Knowing this is wrong !

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You Move On, you work on yourself and forget contacting her. It is the only way!

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Originally Posted by 4answers

Only to meet years later and her like you again.

So many times this has happened in the past, an ex wanting you back, so why did they part in the first place, especially since they knew they were breaking your heart.

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False hope again, although I do acknowledge that this does happen and is possible, but putting all your eggs in this basket is really going to debilitate your healing and thinking like this will either drive you insane or ensure that you never move on and find any happiness. Besides, this kind of thing could take 10 years... Are you really prepared to waste your life waiting for an indefinate period for someone to change their mind which may never happen anyway?

Hi guys, for those who did not read my last note. Did no contact with an ex, who knows how I feel. Logged onto msn only to find she had removed me from her contact list, but not blocked me. Basically she would not know when I was online.

I know I shouldn't of done!! But I needed to know why so I sent her this.

"Hi there.

I trust you are well, study going well and enjoying your marathon swims....lol.

I am emailing because I have noticed that your msn profile has changed and you no longer appear to want to remain in contact. If its the case then that is fine, but its not what I want. So the email is for clarification purposes.

I hope this is not unwelcome and your not upset by this. "

She does not reply to this but adds me back in her contact list in MSN.

I don't know what to make of this?!

Is it game play, wanting friendship or is there feeling their ! I just don't know, It seems like the time we had together was just a bit of fun for her and has no value... That hurts, but I just don't know!

I think she just does not want to hurt your feelings mate and I have followed your progress since the beginning. Yet I think we need to come back to that one>>>Your Progress!!

I don't think you should read into this, she probably just does not want to hurt you and is reacting to what you sent her. By the way, I don't think that was a wise move at all but never mind, what is done is done.

You must however begin to focus on you and you alone... You are the biggest hope guy I have found so far on AMHD I am sure, yet I have not been here that long, only a few months. I don't mean that to sound rude as I think you are a nice guy and I too struggle>>>>>struggled with hope for some time... I still get my moments but you are really driven by this hope, this need for her to come back. It is really setting you back and you must stop doing this to yourself!

Delete her from MSN, cut all contact, ALL CONTACT!!

If you keep contacting this woman, you are just going to keep going back to square one, trust me!!

You already know how I feel as you have posted enough to know that I think you have refused to accept this female has moved on and you should be doing the same. Until you do you will be hanging in the wind every time you get that feeling to contact your ex. Its called denial and until you start dealing with the truth you can never be healthy and let those old ghosts cloud your thinking. Give it up and stop worrying about her and start taking care of you.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

Hi guys, for those who did not read my last note. Did no contact with an ex, who knows how I feel. Logged onto msn only to find she had removed me from her contact list, but not blocked me.

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Okay I'm an emotional man too so I'm not trying to be disrespectful her but why do you give a damn what she does with her account? She's your ex. But you are treating her like she's your current girlfriend that doesn't know it and will come back to you when she wakes up. She's not coming back.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

Basically she would not know when I was online.

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You don't know when I'm online and you do fine don't you? I'm just like her just another person on the internet. Why is it vital that you know when she's online? If anything you should have erased her account so you wouldn't know she's online.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

I know I shouldn't of done !!! but I needed to know why so I sent her this.

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Why? You don't need to know that. Your living in her reality. You need to live in yours.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 4answers

"Hi there.

I trust you are well, study going well and enjoying your marathon swims....lol.

I am emailing because I have noticed that your msn profile has changed and you no longer appear to want to remain in contact. If its the case then that is fine, but its not what I want. So the email is for clarification purposes.

I hope this is not unwelcome and your not upset by this. "

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Dude, that reeeeeeeeeeeeks of desperation.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

She does not reply to this but adds me back in her contact list in MSN.

I dont know what to make of this ?!!!!!!!!

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I wouldn't reply either. Second I would make of it that she's trying to be nice to you without hurting your feelings. Why would she reply to this act of desperation.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

Is it game play, wanting friendship or is there feeling their ! I just dont know, It seems like the time we had together was just a bit of fun for her and has no value... That hurts, but I just dont know !!

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Doing stuff like this will not help you move on. Delete any trace of her from you life and pretend she's dead. For all intent purposes she needs to be. You need to move on without running back to her.

Hi guys,

For those of you who have not followed my story, I was with a girl who pushed for a relationship with me evan thought she was going to univercity. So we began a relationship. During phone conversations I found out that she had had a 3 some with her ex partner and his friend who she did not know, evan though she had previously told me I could trust her because she does not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger.

When I found this out I reacted badly to it, I disagreed with what she had done, but was more hurt by the lie! There was no need for it, because she knows I have had one night stands in the past and regret it.

I was judgemental, which was wrong and I tried to make amends to this but she ended the relationship. She said that she did not wish to lose me in her life. Unfortunately I did the needy desperate ex boyfriend bit which pushed her further away.

Once I did a period of no contact, to stop the emails and texts I was sending her, we were back on talking terms. We spoke just after xmas on MSN. However after 2 weeks of no contact (me not logging onto msn) I log on and she has removed me from her contact list. I send an email saying if she wants no contact that is fine but its not what I want.

In response to this she does not reply to the email but puts me back in her contact list, however her photograph shows her with some guy !

I lost value due to the way I overreacted, but surly she has to realise that her actions will produce that response. I have since then tried to get that value back but it does not appear to have happened. It appears that everything she liked about me, the romance, the love, the fun time were just a lie! What I can't understand is why ?

How do I resolve such a situation ? How do I get back my value ?

I know I need to move on, and I will, but I am really finding this very hard to do. I hate the fact that it was alll meaninless and I cannot bear the thought of someone thinking of me as a type of person when I am not that type of person.

Also why not try to resolve issues rather than just give up.


I am really trying to handle this in a way that will restore my value and respect. But I don't know how. Lame I know. But I cannot accept someone having the wrong opinion of me ! Gues its just me !

Someone thinking ill of me for the wrong reasons is not acceptable to me. I cannot understand her actions, She mucked me about instead of just being straight with me, why I don't know.

I know you will all say forget this, but its not in my nature to be ill thought of wrongly. I can't accept it, nor can I accept what I do not understand.

Its cutting me up.

I guess I cannot accept being of negative value to someone. How do I deal with this ?

I appreaciate you patience, help and support.

First let me say you're looking at this all wrong. You're giving away your power of choice to your ex. SHE'S the one who lied to you and had a threesome. Your reaction was fine. I would have reacted the same way. Betrayed and angry. You're reacting the way you are now because she took the power and "left you" instead of you telling her you will not stand for lying or cheating and leaving her. Anytime someone leaves you in a relationship, the person who is left feels powerless.(Been there) But once you examine those feelings you'll realize you're better off without her. And by constantly trying to contact her or win her back you'll just push her farther away. Because you now look desperate to her.
Busy yourself with other friends, hobbies, travel, work whatever. But keep yourself busy. And before long you won't even think about her. Who cares if she thinks you're wrong for her? You're giving her opinion too much power. If a stranger walking down the street called you a name would you believe them? Of course not. And you shouldn't believe her either. The more you know who you are and believe in that, the less likely you'll be to believe the lies of others.
As for resolving issues, you can do that yourself because she's told you over and over she's not interested. So you'll have to examine your own actions and grow from that.
Remember, before dating again to know who you are, what your standards are and don't settle for anything less. We all deserve honest, loving partners who will treat us with patience and respect. You would want that for your friends -why not yourself? It's her loss in the long run. You deserve better in life. So be strong and know there are so many good people out there to meet in life. Why waste your energy on someone who isn't interested? Best of luck. Be strong.

I know what you're feeling. I've gone through it and in some ways am still going through it. I think to myself, often, why didn't she just tell the truth instead of lying and then exploding when caught in the lie? If she'd told the truth from the get go, we could still be friends today.

She didn't want to do what she had to in order for things to work out. She's young, I'm young and I'm going to guess that you and your ex are both young people as well. There's a lot to do with yourself, hard as it is - the trick is recognizing when you're in a low moment and to simply let it pass you by. Does that mean sitting around and contemplating how crappy you feel until you no longer feel crappy? NOOO! Fill that time with something else! Empty twnety-five bottles of Snapple and shatter them all. Hit a punching bag until your knuckles bleed. Do something and then, when you're done (and hopefulyl flush with exhaustion and endorphins) you won't feel quite so bad.

Another thing to do is get out and meet other women. Not to pursue them, but to sense that you are indeed an attractive person, get a little of that shattered confidence back.

Good luck. It's a long road and I know I haven't seen the end of it but no need to turn yourself into a slub over... What? A little heartbreak? Everyone gets it. Everyone, unless they don't want to, also gets over it.

4answers, some months ago, I came here looking for help, I was really feeling down and extremely confused and was crying out for help just as you have. I got a lot of support by some amazingly compassionate and understanding people. I took a lot from what was said to me and I ignored nothing.

One post that stood out was by the Chuffer and was like nitrous oxide to my progress because I was in the same mindset as you... This quote is from one of my first threads and relates to my breakup but will help you too..

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Originally Posted by chuff

I'll say it again, STOP TALKING TO THESE PEOPLE. Your ex. Your ex's mother. Your ex's friends. Your ex's dog. Anything your ex please remove yourself from now.

Actually you are hurting someone. The most important person in your life, yourself. You just continue to beat yourself up and make yourself the victim over and over. The break up was bad enough but then you keep punishing yourself. STOP IT!!!!!

Ok you got dumped. No question she gave up a compassionate, caring person. That's her loss. If she want's someone that is not that good for her. I've got think there's a compassionate, caring person somewhere in that would appreciate you. Even if there isn't that doesn't give you the right to beat yourself up like this.

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I think a lot of this could speak volumes for you too 4answers and you really need to sit down and think about this. I'm not saying I have not had my moments since then because I have but I am in a different mindset where I have regained some control whereas before I had little control.

Get your control back!!!

As for the above post to Geoff let me say Thank you. I'm actually a little bit flattered and certainly honored that something I said was the "nitrous oxide to progress." I too came here looking for advice and after learning here and doing some other things that fact that I can give something back makes it all worthwhile.

As for you 4answers, I agree with the above as it relates to your situation. Ok you got dumped. We've all been dumped. I know it feels like it at the moment your all alone and nobody can understand but the your not in some club that nobody else is in. Your in a club that were all in. We've all been there. We've all said our situation was different. But you emotions are numb and you in shock. So if you want to heal this you've got to trust people outside your emotional circle and trust us when we say remove everything of her from your life.

I remember I also suggested this Geoff and I'm going to suggest it to you, stick around this site and read some of the posts and the solutions other posters offer. Find the consistencies in the answers and learn from them so that in the future you become a stronger person. Everyone that came here came looking for answers and now we've all become stronger by sticking around and learning from other's and relating it to situations we've been in ourselves and learned from it.

I agree 4answers with what Chuff has said again but you must be open minded and willing to listen otherwise you will get nowhere.

Finally have conceeded she is gone, deleted her details from msn. I had hoped to remain on friendly contact and rebuild my lost value to her ! But it hurts too much and is to damm hard.

Only trouble is now, lonliness and depression ! Not a confident guy at the best of times, but even less when I feel like S***.

Thanks for all your help and support, hope I am making the right decision, god knows I have made bad ones !

Scared that I have taken this step of letting go, but my resolve will go and I will reverse this, simply because its not what I really want.

You have to stay focused on something away from the relationship.

I am going through the same thing you are. There are good days and bad days. I've found, however, that the good days are normally during periods of no contact. The bad days normally follow a conversation with her. The no contact thing is best. If you let go, you will heal. Just think of it this way; every time you have an interaction with her, you've undone all the good that you have accomplished since letting go. Stay the course!

Yeah sure it is scary but it is the best and only option you really have.

You know what to do to make things better. You have read and re-read all the threads here for a while now and know what path to take that will best help you heal.

You have made 1 small step to acceptance and healing. It won't be easy but stick to your guns and I promise you it will get better in time!

Have you read anything any of us have said in any of your posts??

We can only bang our heads against the brick wall for so long before my head will no longer let me bang!

Son let this be a valuable lesson. You get attached easy. Guard your heart and be careful who you hand it too. You'll be much stronger when all this is said and done. And take her off your contact list on messenger. You might want to consider not even talking to people on there for awhile. Good luck!

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I had hoped to remain on friendly contact and rebuild my lost value to her

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Get yourself healthy first before you worry about restoring your value, whatever that means. NO CONTACT!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Copperhead6

You get attached easy. Guard your heart and be careful who you hand it too. Youll be much stronger when all this is said and done.

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This is true. I liked her and asked her out, so I ran the risk of rejection or getting hurt. She lies to me and then stonewalls me, ends the relationship and moves on and meets another. I am left single and hurt over losing someone I liked.!

Wish I had not asked her out!! Sucks.

This has not had any affect on her, she just used me as a meal ticket. It's the only possible explanation. I feel like such bloody fool.

(I also feel the need for revenge, wrong to feel this way but I do). I won't do anything though, just hard to accept it meant nothing.

Doing no contact, but it hurts not speaking to her, I really liked her, and she said she felt the same. I know feelings can change, but to go from this to Zero emotional interest.

Is there no way people can part in a civilised manner, talk through issues and then if no agreement part. But to lie to someone and then stonewall them once your caught out ! Walk away and be with another!?

Hard to get my head round and hard to accept emotionally.

One of the hardest things is I just want to understand why she acted the way she did.

Its just closure, but I won't happen !

As we were spitting up she would ring me and say she was upset, but still did not want to get back together. She would also say that she loved me but did not want to be with me or lose me all together??

I am doing no contact because I don't have an option! I will move to be with others but I still think this is the wrong road...

I have absolutely no control over this situation, other than do that which I don't want to do. Funny really.

Sorry guys, just angry and hurt... Very confused. Don't see the benefit to her, if like that with me, surly she will be like that with other ? Guess I feel wronged. Very wronged and rejected. Silly I know.

This has really knocked me for six !

Reality that we will never speak again, and that it was a complete waste of time, meaningless is just hitting. Its not nice...

Look at it as a learning experience, my friend. That's all you can do. Trust me, most everyone here has been in your situation. And mostly, we're still recovering! That's the way life is. You'll find a way to make yourself feel good again. Remember, like you used to?

I know how you feel when you wonder how someone can go from really caring about you too nothing seemingly overnight. That usually isn't what happens. She probably started feeling that way a good while before the break took place, she just didn't want to show it because she knew it would hurt your feelings. If you need to rant, this is the best place to do it. Hang in there pal, you'll be fine!

Understanding why SHE did or does things will make it no less painful and experience.

Understanding why YOU did certain things and acted in certain ways, and understanding why YOU need time to yourself to learn and grow also won't make it any less a painful experience. But it will make it a valuable experience and one that you won't regret so much in the long run!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 4answers

(I also feel the need for revenge, wrong to feel this way but i do). I wont do anything though, just hard to accept it meant nothing.

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This is not a good idea and I promise you will not help you in any way! If anything it will set you back and prove to her how immature you are and validate why you are now single. Please concentrate on yourself and not her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 4answers

Its just closure, but i wont happen !

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There is no such thing. You will always have questions that you think need answering. Don't dwell on the past. I always hear people striving for closure by seeking answers, but even once they get their answers it opens up more questions they need answered in order for them to get their closure. It is a continual cycle! The only way to end it is stop worrying about the answers to questions relating to her, and worry about answering your own questions regarding yourself!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 4answers

I am doing no contact because I dont have an option! I will move to be with others but i still think this is the wrong road.....

I have absolutely no control over this situation, other than do that which I dont want to do. funny really.

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You do have options and you do have control! Do the no contact because it will better you and take control of your life and emotions and grow and learn from this. This has nothing to do with being a last resort. It is to do with it being your best option!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 4answers

Reality that we will never speak again, and that it was a complete waste of time, meaningless is just hitting. Its not nice......

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Its only a waste of time if you learn nothing from it. There are endless opportunities here for you to reflect and learn what you did wrong. Think about yourself critically (not too critically though) and improve aspects of your life you aren't happy with. It is only a waste of time and meaningless if you let it be. Perhaps another example of how you can take CONTROL and not let it be a pointless exercise don't you think??

There is a good thread that Geoff started about age's and relationships. READ IT!! It evolves into much more than just a conversation about healthy ages for serious relationships! It discusses the value of failed relationships and what we can take form them. Please go and read it and think about the great points made by many wise people!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ips-59586.html

Here is the link to that thread I'm talking about above. Please read it!

Oh yeah, and I think I have finally worked out the Chuff style of answering!! Only taken 8 months!! Ill only use it sparingly though Chuff. That's your domain and I love to see people get Chuffed by the master! ;)

I guys, second day true no contact, very mixed up feelings.

You were all right, I should have done no contact straight away!! But at the time I did not know about it or the benefits of it. Instead I did the needy ex boyfriend and pushed her away further, because she was moving away from me, this constant rejection caused me to be angry and I lashed out, pushing her further away and lowering my value to her.

I did a period of no contact to be able to step back from the emotional attachment and stop the needy obsessiveness. It worked, but at that time she had stopped speaking to me. I then initiated contact to try to get her to like me again so that we could look to rebuild the relationship. Howeve she simply played games at this point, (indicates that she was not really interested but liked the attention). I tried to limit the attention but was really nice to her, in each contact.

I was not on line for a couple of weeks, when I did go on line she had removed me from her contact list, but not blocked me. So that she would not know I was online. I sent a nice emial saying if she wanted no contact that was fine, but not what I wanted. (I have learned to not act on my anger). So she placed me back into her contact list but with a photo of her and a guy. Gutting. I did not react to this straight away and left it as it was. She was online but away, so I am presuming this was so that I would definitely see this ! (this was the girl who said that she would not tell me about any other as she would not hurt me !).

Logged on 2 days ago , not to talk to her but just to talk to my familly, as soon as I log on she loggs off, so I remove her from my contact detail. Last night I blocked her. Hurting like hell because we will never speak again and she is with another.

My problem is: The initial break up was caused by her, but due to my poor way of handling it, needy obsesiveness I have lovered my emotional value to her and pushed her away. Into the arms of someone else!!

*** She will see the blocked msn and will either not be bothered as it has no value or will be bothered as we will never speak (she has pushed me to this). Because she pushed us away instead of trying, my being unable to handle this has pushed her farther away but she is now happy that something that was so nice to her is meaningless and she is with another.

Finding this very hard to cope with, it is fundementally wrong ! Surly she should be bothered, I mean you don't enter a relationship for it to end in bad terms... Why does she just not talk things through ? The fact that she does not proves that I mean nothing to her and that our time together also means nothing... How can she be like this ?

Sorry to hear you are going through so much right now. It sounds like she was playing games with the MSN thing. The best thing you can do, is what you are doing now. Basically have nothing to do with her. You should change your profile, so that you can't see her when she is online, although you have blocked her why torture yourself.

Quit with the games 4answers, she loves the attention but cares very little for you.. Sorry if that hurts but you must face this truth. She is immature for putting that picture of her and her new partner on MSN. Don't play into her hands, block her and delete her. Try to forget what she thinks and feels. I have done the same, still do at times and it really hurts I know but you are just really struggling letting go and I think you are in major denial and this is where all these threads about No Contact come from.

I don't believe for one second you have ever used no contact for what it's real purpose serves. Now you know she is not worth it and does not care, the best thing you can do for yourself is quit questioning her and how she feels or what she thinks and begin using no contact for what it really is>>to work on yourself and finally let go.

Surely you know you are worth more than this. I know how you feel because as you probably are aware from reading my threads, I have gone through a similar process. If not, read my threads and know that what you are feeling is normal. I think the problem here is with the fact that you are uncomfortable with the fact that she is moving on and you still have this false hope that she will come back which quite frankly, if you continue to latch onto, will drive you crazy.

I mean what I say with the greatest empathy and understanding having experienced this pain and many others know what you feel too. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Thanks Geoff. You are right, I have avioded full no contact, used it to step back emotionaly so that I did not push her further away. I guess I am finding it hard to accept that I was used and deceived, all be it at the time she may not of meant it with malice, but no one likes to be used. So when I caught he out on a lie, it was just not worth it, for someone she was just using to provide her with nights out and meals, etc.

She put on a image of a person different to who she was. (guess we all do! At the begining). However I liked who I thought this person was. And unbenown to me I developed strong feelings for her!!

As a person I don't just treat relationships with flipancy, if I like someone I want to try to make it work and work through problems.

Basically she met a lad who liked her, seemed nice and took her out. This guy was spending time and money on her (I know silly mistake). She enjoyed this and did not wish to lose this and so put on her best impression, which is totally not what she is really like!! Stupidly I miss the person who I thought she was...

When away she has seen a lot of opertunity and because I was away and disagreed with something she seems to find acceptable, she stopped trying. I did the needy ex which did make things worse.

I have blocked her, deleted her 100% I am just angry that I acted the way I did and that I was so LOVE BLIND as to not see things.

Guess I just rushed in to deep to soon, without getting to know her. And now that I care, the real her hurts...

Sorry to vent ! I want to say all this to her but cant. Hopeing it will get better in time.

Thank for your support.

The guy of all hope... lol.

I am sorry to hear that you are so heart broken. I know you are going through allot of pain right now but just know that at the end you will be the one winning. It always takes another hurting us to realize how good we had it before. I know that this is not the best solution but it helps me to get over a relationship by seeking attention from someone else. When we have someone else that likes us and care for us and fills that empty void it helps allot to tune that person out. I know it is stupid but it works for me. I do hope you heal soon you sound like a great guy. And that whole msn thing was a mean way of her saying that she is not interested and is moving on. Hope all goes well for you

Sorting through your part in this to find what you did wrong is a good sign. But like Forever said, if you are dwelling on her, find a way to change the channel for your own sanity. In other words, think about the principles involved but not the person. Now that you know how dishonest even well intentioned people can be -- use it to acquire discernment about others. Go slower, so that you will have time and experiences to see the person in lots of different situations. Get confirmation of who they are from a variety of sources too -- their family, friends, coworkers, etc. And look to see if what they say matches what they do over time. Phoniness does not endure conditions like that easily. Make sure your love and your trust are in tandem and well founded too.

Also, believe it or not, make yourself more transparent, more real. Best foot forward, sure, but give up the mask yourself. Being real is a very powerful place to come from. It makes you more bs-proof, not less. See it not as a vulnerability but as confidence, which can be very sexy. Suffer this defeat, this rejection telling yourself it is a survivable event to strengthen to your ability to take this risk of being real. It will make those who would play games shun you and those who would match your ability to be real come forward. Phoniness is really afraid of authenticity -- trust that a lot in the future. There are some wonderful and very real people in the world, some of them cute girls too!

I am sorry for your loss but, used wisely, it could make for a very different path for you from here on. I hope this helps.

Naïve youth + painful experience = wisdom only if you choose it to. I think you've made a nice start on it here too.

I'm sorry for you dude, but you just have to let go now. It is not easy (I speak from experience), but you must, for your own sake. Let it go, you are only irritating her, and making it much worse for you and her.

And it is important to remember that your actions played a role in this, just as much as hers did! Don't walk away from this without learning anything about yourself... It just wouldn't be worth it.

One thing - you shouldn't EVER be contacting women consatntly by the internet. EVER. Light stuff OK. Short sweet - your done.

But quit the IMing, texting, e-mailing - it's for cowards.

Call her up (NOT THIS GAL!! ) -use the phone. Let her hear your voice.

NEVER communicate anything seriously by e-mail, texting, IMing - the message usually does not come out right. It's lame. It's insincere.

You should do all communication face to face.

Guys should never be on the phone with a gal for hours - yuck!! Or IMing for hours - YUCK!! That's for her GIRLFRIENDS!!

Don't you have better things to do? You should be busy a lot - women will love you for it!! Love you for it.

All this new electronic technology can ruin a relationship. Be busy. Call women - keep it short. Save the conversations for face to face.

IMing is HORRIBLE for relatoionships!! Horrible.

I agree with wildcat 200% on this. I can remember when I was a younger man how important it was to me to talk to people through instant messenger and all that stuff. But somewhere in it I just got bored and now I couldn't care less who is online. I may make idle chit chat at random but that stuff doesn't mean a hill of beans if you are living your life off the computer! You may want to chill out on the messenger completely for awhile! You'll be amazed at how you don't even need it!

4ANSWERS, MY FRIEND, its time brother! I have gone back and read your numerous post and you have hurt, gotten good sound advice and came back for another dose of it. You have gotten compassionate advice and you have gotten harsh advice. Its Over. You have a serious obsessive problem, its evident by your numerous posts on here. This obsessing is probably what drove this girl away and it is probably going to be what drives the next girl away if you do not start looking inward and facing these demons that lie inside of you. Hurting is not the end of the world. This Relationship is over with a capitol O! Take what you have learned from it, which is to guard your heart and don't be so obsessive and start to think of your life without this woman because it is never going to happen. Every time you start to think of something new to ask go back and read through every single post you have made and every answer you have gotten. If you still want to ask then ask. But as long as you refuse to move on you are going to stay in this stage. Man up. Take a little pride, and take it like a man. You'll respect yourself much more for it down the road. That's all I have to say.

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Originally Posted by Copperhead6

ALLHEART, MY FRIEND, its time brother! I have gone back and read your numerous post and you have hurt, gotten good sound advice and came back for another dose of it. You have gotten compassionate advice and you have gotten harsh advice. Its Over. You have a serious obsessive problem, its evident by your numerous posts on here. This obsessing is probably what drove this girl away and it is probably going to be what drives the next girl away if you do not start looking inward and facing these demons that lie inside of you. Hurting is not the end of the world. This Relationship is over with a capitol O! Take what you have learned from it, which is to guard your heart and don't be so obsessive and start to think of your life without this woman because it is never going to happen. Every time you start to think of something new to ask go back and read through every single post you have made and every answer you have gotten. If you still want to ask then ask. But as long as you refuse to move on you are going to stay in this stage. Man up. Take a little pride, and take it like a man. Youll respect yourself much more for it down the road. Thats all I have to say.

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Thank you, and thank you all. I do have an obsessive side to my personality. I have used this site to deal with and ask the questions that I could not keep in side or ask her.

I am moving forward, I do regret the way things have transpired, but hell that's life.

Just to clarify, out of the 4 month period with this ex girl, I only lost to my obsesive actions for a couple of weeks, text messages to her. (not good, not proud, very hard to handle). Since that period a while ago we have spoken and she knows it was not intentional. I did need to do that for a matter of self pride. So that I am not thought of a crazy stalker. So we have parted on better terms. I am now in full no contact, not easy. I still have the feelings that I want to correct the past.. I know I know. But you can't prevent feelings. I also have the feelings that I want to make up for my poor way of handling things. Again you can't help feelings.

But I do realise that the only way I can heal now, move forward and appear with dignity and respect to all involved in the past situation is through no contact, for me. I am very pleased that evan though she has moved on, I did not act on my emotions, kept a leval response and dignity.


Some of you have suggested councilling. To clary I have behaved once this way in the past, Unintentional but a lot worse and I recognised that this was a repeat cycle. I have a problem with rejection. I did councilling in the past. So I am aware that I don't handle breakups very well. A little codependancy, a little arrogant manly pride and obsesivness.

In a relationship non of these are present, I just react badly to the loss of the interest of someone I care for. That is why I have hounded this site so much. Sorry guys, much rather bug and harass the s*** out of you as opposed to her, and appearing like a stalker and destroying her life and my dignity.

So I know my posts have appeared mixed up and that I was not, have not take your very good and kind advice. Believe me I have.

I had to first of all regain some semblence of respect from her. (Proirity for me).
Then I after the period of no contact tried to get it back. (Had to know, can't live with what ifs).

So now I have done both, I now am looking to fully heal myself, can't say I won't have relapses, because I will. I have learned a lot from you all. The biggist and most important leason is that when its ends and I am emotional highly charged I need to do No contact form the start so that I can emotional step back and deal with the situation without obsession. First time I did not do this, this time at the end of the relaitionship I was not aware of the benefits of no contact, as soon as I was, I did this and it worked, stopped the obsessivness.

So I thank you all. I would be in a very very bad place now, without your support and she would also be unhappy.


4 answers.