Taliniman,

I was just reading another thread where you listed some of your relationship rules.

One being "never let them break your heart twice." I feel so much guilt with my ex, I broke his heart the first time. Now, this whole year I haven't committed and then I leave again? I don't want to be the one to break his heart twice!

The second being-"when you get dumped, why go back and get dumped again?" I don't want to be some horrible girl that dumps him again. Yet at the same time, I feel like how do I know he won't try control me again? Or dump me for someone more suited as he has said in the past (3 years ago though).

Or do your rules kind of go out the window for abusive relationships?

This Psych thing hhas thrown me again. Maybe I should find a relationship expert Psych? Or abuse expert Psych? Only thing is, the one that I went to that said why not give it a go for a few months, WAS a relationship expert! Maybe she didn't think my case was all that abusive!

The whole point of your therapy seems to be focused on this guy.

Why?

I would have thought the sessions would be about you and your finding yourself,not how to,as a priority,go through the dynamics of one particular dysfunctional relationship.

In my opinion,you might want to change therapists.

To me,you're showing many of the signs of a person who has been abused for years and who has thus come to accept the blame for the same.

His trying to change,which I don't agree that he is, is playing games in my book,and his putting his life on hold are irrelevant.

Its not about him,its about you and your recovery from many years of misery.

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One being "never let them break your heart twice." I feel so much guilt with my ex, I broke his heart the first time. Now, this whole year I haven't committed and then I leave again? I don't want to be the one to break his heart twice!

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My rules do not apply to him, they are for YOU! Screw him!!

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The second being-"when you get dumped, why go back and get dumped again?" I don't want to be some horrible girl that dumps him again. Yet at the same time, I feel like how do I know he won't try control me again? Or dump me for someone more suited as he has said in the past (3 years ago though).

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Again, screw him this is all about you, and your healing, and recovery.

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Or do your rules kind of go out the window for abusive relationships?

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Talaniman Rule-Love yourself enough to never allow any one to treat you badly

If they do, LEAVE.

Can you tell I like to keep it simple?


I have to add that I think your in flux, between who you were, and what your trying to be. That's okay, its normal when your finding your way. Take your own sweet time and do it right. This is about you so NO HURRY! Just have patients because if you continue down your path, you will get there.

After all, who wins the race, the speedy tortoise, or the slow and steady hare?

It's the process that counts.

From another question about not allowing bad treatment

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Question from Raquel,
I agree, though I have a stupid question- How do you disallow it?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

First by confronting it, and letting it be known it will not be tolerated, and taking the right actions against it, including removing yourself from the situation.

You just don't let someone treat you badly, because you love yourself too much and KNOW you deserve better so fight for it, and stand up for yourself.

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Amicon, I see what you mean. And unless I work on myself I won't be able to see clear enough to protect myself from abusive relationships. Yet, at the same time I can't seem to see why I should leave THIS time, because I see SOME changes. Its weird. And exhausting. And something I should know!

Also, what do you mean by him putting his life on hold is irrelevant? Also how do you mean that you don't think he is really changing?

I'm so sick of going through therapists. But at the same time I feel I can't NOT get help.

Taliniman- that is exactly how I feel! Just back and forth, back and forth. And even if he has changed, there is still so much mistrust. Which I guess is the whole 'not allowing people to treat you badly'. I DID remove myself, but then to prevent it I should STAY removed. Going back means I have to trust and put myself at risk of hurt again with someone who made not just one mistake but many. How much can one really change!

Threads merged

Ok, so I am reading the posts where people ask what they should do if their partner says negative things about their body.

I have a huge thread about my ex, but isolating the times he did this I am wondering what other people would do. I haven't linked the threads because I want to treat it separately.

If a partner says to his partner that he prefers her skinny, yet she is classed as petite by most.

Says he prefers a smaller behind than hers/ would be more attracted to her if she was smaller.

Says she has gained weight when she has actually lost weight and says he prefers her skinnier but doesn't want to make her unhappy.

Says the girl he cheated with was thinner and therefore more beautiful

Says he prefers tall, thin girls with less curves and more boobs.

Now you can say that a woman should love her body/ self no matter what, and not allow those comments to get to her. But even if you loved your body, how would you get over the fact that you don't want to sleep with him because he has picked things out? I mean, why does he deserve your body if he is going to be critical and compare you? (especially when you have been told by others that you should GAIN wieght at times as you were clinically underweight).

How do you be with someone that you KNOW thinks these things about you? I mean, that seems to be what people think a woman should do? Just brush off the comments and deal with it.

Personally, and it's just me because I have a strong personality, I would tell the BF to get over himself. He can like me for who and what I am or hit the road.

Relationships aren't built on beauty. Beauty fades. Relationships are based on personality. My man either likes me for who I am or he can find someone else.

Uh, no. I'm not sure where you got that impression. There are certain times to brush it off. If he make the mistake of one day telling you that yes, your butt does in fact look big in those jeans or yeah, you're having a bad hair day, those are things to forgive and forget. If he is regularly critical, cheats on you, then has the nerve to compare you to the woman he cheated on you with, he does not deserve to be with you. You should not just brush it off and deal with it. You show him the door and tell him to go enjoy sleeping with a twig... I don't have anything against skinny girls. I do have a problem with guys who insist girls need to be skinny though and that go on to put girls who are skinny enough to their standards down.

Edit: hm. I think its close to my bed time. I could have sworn when I first read your post you mentioned him cheating with a skinnier woman. Now I don't see that. Its still not OK for him to be so critical though

If somebody habitually picks negative things,as you've put it, they quickly become history with me.
In fact,strike two and they'd be out.


Why be with someone who doesn't like the whole packet?

Please see that this guy is n e v e r going to be your Prince Charming,he is,a toad!

You need to see that your not being able to let go of the toxic relationship is one of the things that stops you from moving on.

Like Tal said,screw him.

You DO NOT need him in your life.

I guess there isn't one post that has said 'oh, well maybe he is changing! You should give him another go!' hah! That should be a clue for me

That,my dear,is a mega clue.

Take it from there!

I think its goes back to how things are said, how they were received, and the strength of the relationship.

You would have to be a first class boob to be a cheater in the first place, and still make the wife's body the reason you cheated. Don't know a lot of females who would stand for that excuse, without pouring hot grits on a sleeping spouse.

Secondly, gently pointing things out, is a lot different than a barrage of criticism in an uncaring way. Most females would cuss there partners out and dare them to even think about coming at them in that way ever again. The guy is still a class AAA bob for such an approach, unless he knows there will be NO consequences for his actions.

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How do you be with someone that you KNOW thinks these things about you?

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Got no answer for that question, but it begs another question. How can you be with some one who does those things and not kick his arse when he does it?

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I mean, that seems to be what people think a woman should do? Just brush off the comments and deal with it.

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If you make him pay for his bad behavior, then you can easily brush him off, because your pizzed that he disrespected you, and you will not stand for it.

This is not just my opinion, but honestly, my wife would never put up with the crap you have at all, without there being hell to pay.

Its much safer for a me to shut up, and be considerate, and respectful, and loving, than going without sleep, for fear of having breakfast in bed the hard way. I ain't that stupid. :D

Bottom line, allowing bad behavior, only invites more.

Wow this guy sounds like a grade A jerk!
Why are you still dating him??
Kick him to the curb and go no contact.

Find someone who appreciates your personality and beauty.

OK... I'm going to get yelled at... but...
I am seeing a psych. I told her about the relationship issues. I took advice from here and stated I wanted to work on myself. Thing is... the relationship is still in stand still.

II have been concentrating on restructuring my thoughts, and battling my insecurities, particularly with body image. I find I feel better about myself overall. I think the new job is helping (cross fingers). But when I am with the ex I can't help feeling like crap. Even though he says all the right things now, I concentrate on the things he did in the relationship (2-3 years ago!).

So please bear with me... I have some questions.

Do you think emotional abusers ever change?

He says he can see what he did wrong but he didn't mean to hurt me. He was just 'immature and inexperienced' in relationships.

Do you think younger people are more controlling? My friend says he has probably grown up because men are more controlling around the age of 23. (he is 27 now).

In the beginning of the relationship he said all the 'right' things. 'i want to take this slow, do things properly.' 'i won't mess you around. I'm here for you'. Then, the whole screw up relationship happened. I tell him this is why its hard to trust his lovely words now. But he just states all those things were truthful, he just screwed up and has learnt'. He seems so sincere. I can promise you he is so well liked by everyone. Is quiet, sweet, sincere, compassionate on the exterior to other people. He worked as a carer for old people for years and puts a strong emphasis on 'caring' professions. Yet how can someone like that be so harsh in a relationship? Which again makes me think I caused it. And with his put downs about how I look and me being quiet I feel if I was different the relationship would have been better.

Now I should be 'lucky' and grateful that he has been around for 1 year without sex and commitment. Yet, if I think of sleeping with his again. I literally feel sick...

BUT my psych said I am attracted to the wrong guys because I mistake love for comfort (abusive past) and I should go with people I am not comfortable with... so maybe I am just not comfortable with his because he has changed and is not abusive anymore?

Every time I think of breaking it off I think of how wonderful his next relationship will be with another girl and how I am just a nutcase.

Do you think it is normal for a woman with a relationship past like that to not forgive no matter how much they have changed? And to feel insecure and jealous around that person? (which I am working on)

he says he wants marriage and kids and doesn't want anyone else (hasnt been out with other women the whole year and no sex from me).

on one hand it sounds lovely. On the other its downright scary (even for the future) because I can't forgive a couple of things he has said from the past! I,e, he may leave me for someone else (which he swears black and blue he wouldn't now) but how would I know that!

trust is so hard to gain back! But I feel I have made him work hard to gain my trust again (to no avail) because he has wasted a whole year on me. Possibly changed. Yet I won't acknowledge it and re-trust him again. And probably leave. Then once again, I'm the big b!tch... maybe I should just embrace that title, hold my head high and answer 'yes?' when anyone swings the words at me =o). And just thank my lucky stars that I had the sense to walk away and not be stupid enough to throw my trust back in him again no matter how much he appeared to have changed.

because I deserve love, trust and respect right from day one. I shouldn't have to 'earn' it over a period of years. And maybe if he has changed, that shouldn't be of my concern because quite frankly I gave it MANY shots and it is too late. My life is too precious to 'wait' around and see if someone has changed.

BUT then... he uses the "i can't tell you the truth/ i can't tell you how i feel because you just get angry". Which I do! But the reason I get angry is because his 'feelings' are that I don't see him enough or say 'no' all the time even when I see him everyday. So it feels controlling.

when we fight. We'll both be tired and ill ask what he wants to do and he'll say just lie and hold me. But I can't do that because I feel too hurt. Then its like I am this big evil cow, and he is so loving. He acts like we would never fight if it was up to him.

he always did say I started all the fights. Which I did. But I guess after reading all my posts it was understandable why I did. Only, the better way to handle it would have been to walk away the FIRST time I was disrespected. Either the cheating or at least the blackmail straight after

Oh and I have so many doubts about this because when I broke it off with him I had 2 more relationships that were emotionally abusive. So I guess I feel I can't do better. Or that all relationships will be like this one, but at least we have done the hardest part in this one and hopefully made the changes so it saves me from being hurt by someone else and starting over

I like the sound of that carrotTalker. For some reason though I just don't see that its possible for me! And I know... thats probably why I'm not having any luck. I guess I just feel this kind of behaviour is 'normal' in relationships and every man is goiung to have something negative to say about the way I look (though different things) and therefore I may as well stick with the one I already know... stupid huh

I very much doubt he will ever change and I wonder how much longer you are going to try fitting a square peg into a round hole?

Your therapy should focus on you,not him,its for you to work through your insecurities and find the inner confidence and balance you need to live a happy,fullfilling life.

Remember that.

Have you considered personal counseling for yourself? Because no, not every man will have something negative to say about how you look. It sounds like you need a self esteem boost

You are wrong my dear, not every man is as uncaring and as tactless as the one you have now. Dump him and find out! Or at least tell him to shut the "F" up.

Standing up for yourself is a great ego boost, and self esteem builder.

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Originally Posted by racquel58

i like the sound of that carrotTalker. For some reason though i just dont see that its possible for me! and i know...thats probably why im not having any luck. I guess i just feel this kind of behaviour is 'normal' in relationships and every man is goiung to have something negative to say about the way i look (though different things) and therefore i may as well stick with the one i already know...stupid huh

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That type of behavior is not normal in any relationship. A man who says that is a total jerk!

My ex had several bf's like that before me, it really messed her up. I would always complement some of her clothes/outfits/body (because I seriously loved it!), but if I would make just an honest comment like "I don't like the color of that shirt or something", sometimes she would blow up at me due to her previous conditioning.

Seriously consider getting out of this relationship and overcoming the hurt from his negative comments about your body on your own. Become strong enough so you can know when a boyfriend is being a jerk, or being nice and honest with you.

No one deserves to have their body insulted, especially in a relationship.

Don't go out with him!
I think u should forget about him. You are waisting your time with him, and u can do so much better than that:)

He seems to be just using you whenever he needs something and he plays with your emotions to get what he wants. You shouldn't take that crap. I'm in a bad relationship, been in it for 13 yrs and I'm only 28. Sometimes I feel stuck with him, but my mind is all messed up because of him and what he's done to me. I'm still trying to get away from him. Get away from him now.

Well that's the thing. Therapy is concentrating on restructuring negative thoughts into positive/ neutral ones. So I try to restructure negative things he has said in the past. I feel like its something I am supposed to get over...

Taliniman- I have fought with him so many times about the stuff he has said and told him to shut up. Told him how much it hurts me. He hasn't said anything negative for a while. The problem is that I can't get over the stuff he said. So I feel big and ugly around him. I feel gross and compare myself to his perfect skinny girls all the time when around him. I don't want to sleep with him, because even though now he says all the right things, I have so many memories of him saying negative things in the past. Even though he doesn't say those things anymore I still know he thinks them.

He acts like I should get over it. And I probably should. But I don't want to open myself up again and be that vulnerable with him for fear of being negatively judged again.

He says it was because he was smoking pot back then and was comparing me to magazines (which I didn't think I was THAT far from, I was 19 and fit for gods sake! In the gym every day). Now I am older, have less time for the gym ALL the time and my body is only going to change more through pregnancy and getting older. So if he could tear 19 year old me to shreds. What is he going to say to pregnant me.

But because I have told him to shut up. And he has. I am supposed to get over things. But I cant. And I feel that makes me a bad person. Yet, if I hang out with friends, go out to pubs, go to the gym etc. I can feel beautiful and healthy and slim. With him, I feel like a rhino

Even when I lost tonnes of weight and was underweight, he said I had gained and that he prefers me thinner. Most people were worried about my health. He said I had 'let go' and gained weight and even though he preferred me thinner than that, he is happy because I am happy. Its like a hidden insult. Or maybe its just me being paranoid.
So even though he says nice things now, I still know what he has said from the past.
I am scared that no one will love me. That this is my one chance that someone will care for me and really love me, but I am missing it because I can't get over the past stuff.
Even if someone has changed seemingly dramatically, do you think it is normal for them not to be able to get over the past?
I wish I never got into contact with him again. I wish I never allowed him to show me that he had 'changed'.
I hate myself for dragging everything out. I hate myself that I can't even make one stupid easy decision.
I hate myself that I can't get over the past and start a fresh with him.
But I also hate myself that I'm not strong enough to just walk away from him. No matter how much he has changed. Because that is something I can never know.
Its one thing to trust a new person. But to trust a person who has broken your heart/ trust COUNTLESS times, is really REALLY difficult.
I know people get over far more than this though so I feel stupid that it is so hard for me.
I hate that I am wasting his time, my time and my life and youth

I don't want the drama to carry on. But I am just scared that I will get MORE drama if I leave him and end up alone or with someone worse. I guess I worry that IF he has really changed then I am missing out on a great thing. But I guess I should also have more confidence to say 'well, that's his issue. He was too late to change. His loss.'
Surely somewhere inside I realise that I deserve more and that I don't need to trust him again. I don't need to feel guilty for stringing him along. I need to trust myself and look after myself.
He seemed so innocent and caring and sensitive back then. But wasn't. Chances are its all just an act again.

Again-your therapy should be about y o u and your changing for YOU -all I hear is him,him and him.

Really,when are you going to allow yourself to matter?

Your issues go back to your childhood,that's what needs sorting out, then this sad excuse for a man won't be important anymore.

Please don't stay stuck in that mindframe anylonger.

Oh also there is no chance that he will become phsyically abusive in the future by the way, He is not like that AT ALL. And never lets me live down the times when I have lashed out.
But I have watched him lately while driving. If someone on the road annoys him, like tailgates. He will slam on the brakes (I have seen many do that) but then one guy drove up beside next to me (I was in the passenger side) and was yelling abuse at my ex and driving closer. My ex was winding him up, pulling faces etc. I told him to stop because the guy was scaring me and I didn't want him to throw something as it would hit me (we were doing 100km on a highway). My ex kept winding the guy up. Just kind of manipulating the guy to push him over the edge and then would just say he is not doing anything. Even though I told him I was scared so many times and I was the one in the firing line of the other guy.
It reminded me a bit of our relationship. My ex, pushing mine and other peoples buttons so they fly off the handle, then acting all innocent. He sometimes brags about how manipulative he was as a teenager too... which I have read is a sign someone is abusive.
Another time in the car, a guy cut him off (it was 2am in the morning). My ex decided to tail gate him and annoy the guy. The guys in the car looked pretty dodgey and pulled over, notioning me ex to pull over. He almost did but I screamed for him not to because I was scared. I think the terror in my voice made him carry on... I feel we were so lucky the guys didn't follow us...
See, I know even when people change they occasionally slip and make mistakes. But I feel there is a limit for that and it can't always be an excuse. I think he slips a little too much. But its harder to identify because its manipulative and passive aggressive, rather than outright aggressive

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Originally Posted by racquel58

even when i lost tonnes of weight and was underweight, he said i had gained and that he prefers me thinner. Most people were worried about my health. He said i had 'let go' and gained weight and even though he preferred me thinner than that, he is happy because i am happy. Its like a hidden insult. Or maybe its just me being paranoid.
so even though he says nice things now, i still know what he has said from the past.
I am scared that no one will love me. that this is my one chance that someone will care for me and really love me, but i am missing it because i can't get over the past stuff.
Even if someone has changed seemingly dramatically, do you think it is normal for them not to be able to get over the past?
I wish i never got into contact with him again. I wish i never allowed him to show me that he had 'changed'.
I hate myself for dragging everything out. I hate myself that i can't even make one stupid easy decision.
I hate myself that i can't get over the past and start a fresh with him.
But i also hate myself that im not strong enough to just walk away from him. No matter how much he has changed. because that is something i can never know.
Its one thing to trust a new person. But to trust a person who has broken your heart/ trust COUNTLESS times, is really REALLY difficult.
I know people get over far more than this though so i feel stupid that it is so hard for me.
I hate that i am wasting his time, my time and my life and youth

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Look, you need to drag this stuff out, because if you don't then you are never going to deal with it. That's the aim of therapy, to get you to look at your stuff and understand it.

The bottom line is - you still have doubts.
The bottom line is - he still represents someone that has belittled and abused you.
The bottom line is - you actually don't trust him to have changed.

Problem is - you don't feel that you deserve better (you say you do, but you don't really believe it).
Problem is - you're scared you won't find anyone else.
Problem is - you're thinking too much about him and not enough about yourself.

I believe that sometimes we need to close a door on part of our life, for another door to open. You will never attract what you want and you won't begin to feel happy and confident until you close the door on this man. He keeps opening your old wounds so that you remain stuck and unable to move forward. (Sorry about the mixed metaphors!)

I think that he needs to be out of your life before you can move forward.

It's harsh, but you must end it with him. He's not good for you regardless of how much he claims to have changed.

the therapy is working on changing me. And we have gone over the childhood so much... and done some cognitive schema work... a few being that I think in very black and white terms, that I carry blame for many things (due to childhood), that I feel I am flawed and no one will ever love me. That I can't make decisions because I am scared of the consequences (i.e. from childhood and being condemned for making decisons/ not allowed to make decisions.
I am trying to concentrate on writing down ANY compliments about ANYTHING from ANYONE and reading it to try and get it stuck in my head.
writing down the things I love about me.
writing down how I deserve to be treated and why its my responsibility to ensure and enforce that.
also, we are talking about things I have made a decsion about in the past and the consequences and how that made me feel. i.e finally deciding to do my honours degree when my parents told me I wouldn't be able to, and I believed I wouldn't be able to. Then I did. And came out with first class.
making the decision to break up with a drug dealer who put a price of $10 000 on me. I was HEARTBROKEN the worst I had ever been. But so proud that I placed a higher value on me than $10k! Even though my friends didn't agree with my decision.
Deciding to ditch my high school friends that were emotionally abusive. Something that I couldn't see! Then I removed myself and felt a million times better and could see clearly (probably same as what's going on with this guy!).
Breaking up with this guy for the first time. I can honestly say I never regretted that decision.
And you are right, I am bringing it back to him. And its stupid. Basically I think I am thinking 'i should feel so great about myself that I can find it in my heart to forgive and forget and allow him into my heart again'.
when really I should think 'i should feel so great. I am in control. This is my life. I am worthy and capable and can make my own decisions. This guy is not worth it. He has had a million chances. Its now about ME! I need to love me so I can allow only people who respect me into my life. Who cares what other people think. Who cares what his friends think of me! They don't know this side of him! They don't have to live with it! They don't have to throw their heart and trust into him again. They don't need to worry about being let down and wasting time again. They don't need to have to worry about being angry with themselves for allowing him to hurt them again. I do. And I chose ME.'

I don't want a life like this. I am sick of allowing this to happen. I shouldn't have to forgive any of that stuff! No matter how long ago it was! I shouldn't have to have gone through it. Worst of all. I don't want to ignore the warning signs and allow myself to be swept of my feet again by all the lovely talk and "sincerity", and be left alone pregnant/ with children because he found another play thing (which I had been warned about 2 years ago). OR I don't want my daugthers to grow up being treated this way and carrying on the cycle of abuse by finding bf's that replicate it.

He is nothing like my dad in some ways (i.e. he comes across as sweet, innocent, sincere and he is not physical. My dad is, and everyone can see that). But in other ways he is just like him. Can be lovely and kinbdhearted when he feels good but can be cruel, condescending, manipulative and controlling when the time calls for it (I,e. when he feels hurt).

I have to spread the rep Gemini-but I so agree-end it with him,and start moving forward.

I need to get some balls. And realise that I don't need to do any forgiving and forgetting. I need to look at the past, use my anger and frustration and look after myself emotionally. I need to see that even if he has changed, It was his decsion to take his sweet time (4 years) and it is not my responsibility to reward him for that now. He had the chance from day one. He kept abusing it. That's his problem now. Not mine. He is lucky I even allowed it this far. He can go crying to his friends, but more power to him because all its going to do is allow him to hide behind his hatred for himself and never really get to change.
Whereas I can change. I have already grown. I now have friends, I know can talk to people without feeling like an idiot and being shy, I can now tell people who judge me superficially (i.e. for what music I like, what my interests are, what I wear) to piss off and not let it affect me. I can assert myself (slightly better) with some people (going from NEVER asserting myself with anyone). I can also take constructive criticism and realise the need to grow. I can believe that love can exist between two people (dont believe its for me yet but I am going to work on that!) coming from being with him and believing love was a crock of sh!t and something that only brought hurt, hatred and insecurity.

Sorry about my rants if anyone actually reads them! I just need to keep reminding myself this, after I have had a mad moment and put things into perspective again.

Another thing that may mean he is not so innocent is, he is VERY aware of what abusive behaviour is! VERY AWARE. So when he says and does things and states he didn't mean to hurt me... its probably a loads of crap because he can see it is abusive if I or someone does it to him.

AND just because he feels hurt doesn't give him the right to be abusive and manipulative and controlling. I know people can feel hurt and say bad things SOMETIMES but it shouldn't be every time they are hurt and they should show SOME remorse. Which he doesn't. He makes excuses for it

Keep changing and growing-do NOT waste time worrying about him and his motives,actions and pathetic life.

Its about you now,only you.

Hashing and rehashing all the stuff about him keeps you stuck in it.

It's good to bring it out into the open to understand it - but you must let it go. It's crippling you and you can't move on.

See him as the catalyst for change and use the impetus to create a new life for yourself - without him.

I feel so lost.

its all over. He broke it off. Saying "you don't know when to stop. your negativity brings me down too much and i can't deal with it."

so I finally drove him away with my constant nit picking.

the final 2 were the last straw. They seem so stupid

he wanted me to go fishing because his friend that doesn't like me was 'kind enough' to invite me along. I refused at first because I am vegan. Anything animal related just kills me too much inside. I don't judge them but I justcouldnt stomach fishing myself. I finally agreed to go. Then before we went my friend made me realise that I was allowing myself to go back on my biggest passion/ value JUST to be accepted by people that would never accept me.

I am having a few issues at work and said I would find a new job if politics carried on. He asked me to be a driver with him. I said 'no' as I was in the middle of conversation and just explained that I have done 6 years of uni and also wouldn't go back to retail because I would feel it's a waste.

he accused me of judging him. When I know I didn't. I was with him for 3 years all up when he was a student. A driver. Then unemployed and chasing random dreams. I got angry and told him I wasn't judging him. He shut off and wouldn't talk. Which made me angrier because he made up his mind and I didn't even get to say my feelings.

I just have to write them out because I feel so guilty again. And lost. And helpless. And angry at myself. And stupid. And TORN.

my heart is beating a million miles an hour. I just want to talk to someone but its early hours in the morning here. I feel nervous. Sad. Lost.

I wish I could just sleep. I don't want him to message again because I know it will make me feel guilty.

I also feel so stupid. For so many reasons which contradict each other.

I hope I get over this. I hope one day I give a crap about myself. I hope one day I love myself. I hope one day I can find someone I can trust and loves me. I hope one day I will find someone that I won't drive away

I wasn't scared of this in the beginning. But now. I am scared that no one else will love me enough to not leave me. Not see negative things and pull me down. Not cheat and want to find someone better.

Guess I just have to try be positive and get my life organised again. Clean my bedroom. Clean the house. Work. Get back into the gym. Go out with friends.

Glad he is gone, as it sounded toxic to me from the beginning but now its about you healing.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

The Stages Of Grief

Read and understand yourself, and your feelings.

He did you a great favour.

Accept that its over and detox from the so called relationship.

Now work on loving yourself.

When you do,you don't need another person to justify your existence.

And then,you will attract the kind of man who will love and respect you.