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Screening, and warding off unwanted people in our lives, is an ongoing chore we all deal with.Quote:
Yes, he wants me back in his life but not as his wife as his girlfriend. He wants to continue this all his life out of his wife's knowledge
You don't worry about the whys, its frustrating, it's the how's that you deal with.
He may need a strong motivation if his advances continue, like threatening to call his g/f-fiancé, if he can't take the hint of being ignored.
I did this once, when he first time disclosed his intentions to me about cheating his fiancé with me. I asked him if you have ever think of if your fiancé come to know about what you are doing to which he just replied - if she comes to know? Who will tell her? You? And the fact is I don't know much about his fiancé and don't know her personally and have never seen her. We don't have any common friends as well. May be because of this he is sure that I have no way by which I can contact her fiancé.
On that same note-you know where he works,right?
So you could tell the ex that you might have a word with his boss.. .
Yes, I know where he works. But telling his boss, will it work?
You have a right to be left alone and as he doesn't respect your wishes,I would suggest that you,if he contacts you again,tell him that you won't put up with it any longer.
You could let him know that,if he doesn't respect his wishes you would consider contacting his boss.
I don't know what's happening with me. I couldn't sleep for two nights. All day and night, I am filled with his thoughts, I am not able to concentrate on anything. I don't want to think about him, what should I do? The moments we spent together is coming in front of me. I don't want to feel the way I am.
Find things to occupy your mind-keep busy-and start doing some kind physical exercise to make you tired enough to be able to fall asleep.
You can shut those thoughts down by concentrating on other things and by being active.
I tried with your advice Ami, but its not working. Every time I do some work, his thoughts came up and distract me from the work. Two times I was about to met an accident. I don't know what to do. I thought I was over him but I think something is left inside. After so many peaceful days its happening to me. I am having sleepless nights and if get sleep, I found my dreaming about our marriage.
I don't know what to do. I want to see him, but I am stick to NC.
That's tough,but sticking to NC is your best option.
You need your sleep though,have you tried listening to relaxing music once you are in bed?
You could try some lavender essential oil,which is soothing.
If you do,please read the instructions on the label.
Give yourself time,you will heal,just be patient.
Sorry BH, there are no easy quick fixes to what is making you miserable. You have to deal with reality and stick to it until you feel better on your own.
Yes its hard, so what? It has to be done so just do it no matter how hard it is. Sorry!
We met unexpectedly in market. But we both ignored each other and just passby. But after this for the next two days he kept on sending me sweet messages saying that he loves me and even called me three-four times to which I didn't respond. He said that he wants to meet me and want to talk to me.
Now, he disappeared as usual. Should I meet him? I am scared of meeting him. Now, there is nothing left we can talk about. And I don't want him to fool me again. He always used my feelings to take advantage and I don't want to happen it again.
'Now there is nothing left to talk about'.
That answers your question.
Keep ignoring him and keep moving on.
He again met me and this time he stopped my way and talked to me for 5minutes. He said that his decision of not marrying me was a practical one, he didn't feel that I can be his life partner but at the same time want my friendship and want me to get settled as well. He said that he is very much concerned with me that's why he thinks about me. I listened to him quietly and then moved on my way because I had nothing to say. And on the same night he text me, saying that he is very much happy with his decision and his life and he wants the same for me. And then he disappeared as before. I don't know what he really want from me now and I really don't believe a single word of his.
Broken Heart - the best thing that you can do is aviod all contact and move on with your life. It is clear that it is over, he has made this clear. Its very hard I know believe me but total NC is the only way that you are going to completely heal and move on without this false hope that you seem to have.
If you do see him again then be polite and say hello but don't stop and chat as you only hear words from him that upset you. You need to understand that this relationship is over and that he has moved on. The sooner that you accept that fact the sooner you will heal. Take care and good luck xx
Should this happen again,a polite Hi-I'm busy-bye,no point hanging around listening to his BS-just walk away.
He means to keep the door open, by staying on your mind, but you have done well to not believe him, nor trust him.Quote:
I don't know what he really want from me now and I really don't believe a single word of his.
He thinks he can wear you down with his friendship, to eventually convince you to be friends with benefits.
Often people do that when they,
1)Are involved, or married, but have need for a very discreet partner.
2)Have an outlet for any future lust. So he is grooming you by keeping you close with no hope of anything solid in the future.
Lets face it, what guy presses this hard for friendship? But as long as your confused, then you will not stop him from doing as he wants.
If he was a respectful, and honest guy, would he not care if his current g/f knew of you? As it is, he can come to you as a friend, he can lay the typical pity trip, his girlfriend/wife doesn't understand him, and he is miserable, and need you(his friend) to console him.
He just keeps the feelings stirred up for his own purpose. Don't let him, you're smarter than that. Never accept being his mistress, or secret lover.
I already said no to his proposal of being his secret lover and after that for few days he kept silent then he came back with the things I mentioned last time.
I don't have any hope of getting him back. Yes, sometimes his behaviour left me in doubts but now I have seen his engagement ring from my own eyes and now there are no doubts.
And the latest , Last night he text me saying that he has changed his job to some other company and location. Because his fiancé works near to his workplace and now she will not be around him all the time. He wants to take me on lunch. I didn't reply to his message yet and even I am not going to.
Good on you for ignoring him,I think its time you block him,or change your mobile phonenumber.
He is trying to year you down with his stupid little games well done for not letting him.
He text me again saying, that he contacts me because he is very much attached to me and misses me and if I have not refused to get physical with him for which he always insisted then today I would have been his wedded wife. Is this his way to convince me for the things he wants?
Delete his texts without reading them-or,as I said before,CHANGE your number.
Let this go now-stop trying to analyze his actions-its not important anymore.
Broken heart
You will stop having a broken heart when you put this man out of your mind and form a network of healthy relationships with friends and any family you like.
Take charge of your life and stop worrying about why your ex does the things he does. He is obviously a bad apple. His communications make you miserable. And yet you seem addicted to thinking about him because he pushes you away and pulls you toward him all the time.
Stop taking his calls and stop trying to figure him out. He doesn't matter. Instead think about your work, your hobbies, and how to start making friends. Join a group. It doesn't matter if it's church or a political group that is trying to do some good in the world. Find something to do that is of interest to you and make some friends while you are at it.
Time to change your life!
Are you not insulted yet, he is trying to make you his mistress??
To which he will never succeed, I never reply to any of his messages or calls. I have checked with the service providers, they don't provide the message blocking service.
At a time a loved him more than anything and it really surprises me how he can do such things. But now nothing is left. He will never succeed in his intentions.
Change your phonenumber.
I would speak to a solicitor/lawyer and ask them to write him a letter telling him his communications are not wanted.
You need to get him completely out of your life.
Next month, he will be married. After getting guidance from you and knowing all his intentions, I was having a hope somewhere that he will back. But now its gone completely. Today, I have no hope. But I am glad that I did what all you guys advised me of going no contact with him. It saved me a lot. Yes, I sometimes feel lonely and cry while remembering him but the pain of losing him has very much reduced. Now I attend all the parties, meet my friends and able finish my tasks.
Thanks to you guys. You have really helped me when I was alone.
Thanks from my heart.
He tried to talk to me soon after coming from his honeymoon. I simply avoided him as I was doing earlier. But he is still trying to talk and his attempts are not so frequent, he usually take 10 to 12 days every time. I found him checking my profile on public websites. I don't want to talk to him. Should I tell him clearly this thing again? Or my silent avoidance is enough for sending him this message? I can't express how I am feeling these days. I feel fine when I am around people or busy in work. But the moment I am free, my mind get diverted to his thoughts and cry a lot. Sometimes I want to kill myself and sometimes I want to kill him. But these feelings come and go. Please help me to come out of this. I have already lost my precious years to him and I don't want to repeat this all over again.
Dear Broken Heart,
I am so sorry you are still suffering. I hope it's obvious how unfaithful he is (or is planning to be) to his new wife, trying to contact you when he has just married. He should be ashamed of himself, yet clearly he is not. He feels entitled to marry one woman while STILL trying to string you along and get you to be his mistress. What a jerk.
You definitely should not talk to him about this. Continue No Contact.
Whatever you can do to eliminate your knowing what he is doing, you should do, including blocking him electronically and changing your phone number.
I am concerned that you are depressed. I'm glad you have friends and that that is helping, but if you are having thoughts of killing yourself you need to get help. It's hard for me to tell from your post how serious these feelings are. If they are just angry fleeting thoughts, that's one thing. But if you have actually made an plans, you should talk to a counselor. Do be careful what you say, however, as they can lock you up for saying you want to kill yourself (or him), even if you know you are not serious. (If you are, don't do it! )
Either way, start reading about depression and doing what you can to alleviate yours. The basics are to get regular sleep, regular exercise, have good daily structure and routines, and to take control of things in your life. Don't let things just happen to you; decide things yourself actively. Make plans for your future that make you feel engaged and happy.
You are well rid of this man and if you can see this as a fresh beginning and not worry about the "wasted years" you'll be able to move forward. After a certain age, most people have wasted some amount of time with the wrong partner or in the wrong job. There are usually good memories and bad ones, but the point is to learn what you can from it and move forward, not waste time beating yourself up over a mistake. My sense is that you were pretty innocent in all this. It was not your fault in any way. I seriously doubt he "chose" her because she's a better person, but because she was more convenient in some way. You are really lucky you did not marry him! Congratulations! You will find someone who is a better person. Meanwhile, you need time to rediscover happiness.
Know that you are better off.
All I know is that I don't wish to be, talk to, see someone that doesn't want me.
Hes shown that. No more reasons to waste anymore of your precious time on him.
And contacting you after his honeymoon. Geez, what balls.
Just stay NC. You life will be so much better without these lies & drama.
Good luck. You can do it & will get through this a way stronger person. Hopefully for good people that can recognize it.
Please change your phone number.
Every time you get a call and message from him its like a needle prick to your heart and soul.
Get off the "emotional rollercoaster" and cut ALL contact.
Trust me when I say it does help. I changed my phone number after I ended it with my ex of 13 years and it has helped immensely.
If you don't want to change it, ask yourself why?
I don't have any plans of killing myself or him, it just a feeling that comes when I lose control of myself. I would have done it long before, if I want it. But I have learnt to fight with life and unfortunately it's the toughest battle till date.You said that I have no fault in this, of course I have.. I have fault of loving him and trusting him blindly, of giving him right to torture me, to use me.
You said he chosen her because she is a better person.. yes she is. She belongs to a very rich family.. and what I learned during our relationship he always gave priority to money. Money was the first priority in his life. He broke up with me soon after I lost my job. I came to see his wedding and honeymoon pics unexpectedly from somewhere, I never expected. They don't have a physical match. I don't know the girl personally, and I don't want to comment on how she is as a person? But I don't think this could be the only reason. She must be a better person.
And one thing is sure she is also being cheated. Whatever his reason was of leaving me doesn't matter to me now.
I am trying my best to come out of all this with all time failure. The torture he gave me, I can't stop myself of reminding the things he said to me, the emotional blackmailing he did.
I don't know how long it takes. Will I ever be able to live a better life with some better person? I am scared of getting into any kind of relationship. I don't want to get hurt again.
"you said that i have no fault in this, of course i have"
Yes. Its take two.
"You said he chosen her because she is a better person.."
Nope, that's not true. That's in your head right now. Totally false.
" I came to see his wedding and honeymoon pics unexpectedly from somewhere, i never expected. They dont have a physical match.
Not for you to decide. Hes married. Stop looking or hunting for reasons. Comparing. Its done for you & he. Face facts.
Unexpectedly, c'mon.
He married another girl. What else do you need to know?
"I am trying my best to come out of all this with all time failure."
That's the opposite of what you should be thinking.
People don't always work together, change their minds, have blinders on, want other things. Whatever.
That's life.
The reasons don't matter. Only if you look critically & use the facts to help you later.
Its for you now to accept the facts, don't blame anyone & rise above this, so you can be better. Understand yourself, your goals, skills and how to get you there.
Believe me, this all sucks. I know your pain. But this pain you feel, is yours. Not his or hers.
Let him go, he's made his decision.
Now its time to go NC, and rebuild yourself. One that will be 1000 times better.
You can dwell, be hurt, sad, obsess, or, you can say screw this.
Your decision.
:eek: get rid of him. From what your text, I guess he doest love you anymore. Just want get sth from u.. . just wants u.Quote:
Originally Posted by broken_ heart
U won't get love from him.
So leave.
I am on NC from a pretty long time, its only him who always come and tries. I changed my no. because of him. But he never stopped, he always find a way to contact me. Its all over and I have accepted this. But I think he needs to understand this. I am not a doll with whom he can play.
Yes, I saw his pics but that was purely a coincidence not my intention. Why I would want to hurt myself? I only want to move on and get settled in life. But his interruptions like this made me mad. He never let me. I never tried to know about his life, I don't want to ruin my life. Its true that I still feel the pain but I never let it come out in front of him. I hate them both.
Doesn't sound like it to me.
NC is zero contact. That means nothing. Block him. Do whatever to remove him.
If he wants to try, then there is no one on the other end.
Get it?
You are the invisible woman.
You have spent so long trying to work out why he acts the way he does as though that would give you closure. The fact is he gets something out of the games he plays with you, we don't know what, a boost to his ego maybe. It doesn't matter. The point is he wants to keep taking something from you without giving anything worthwhile back. Why aren't you angry enough to slam the door in his face (not just literally but by being completely unavailable to his messages and emotionally unavailable to him)?
Think how much time and energy you are giving to this man by constantly thinking about him and going over and over this. Reclaim your time and your energy! Spend it on yourself. Don't waste a single second reading one of his messages. This is your life and you have given enough to of it to this. Start living it for you.
So true.
He used you & keeps on doing it.
But only because you've let him & keep letting him.
I wonder what his wife would think if she knew he was still contacting you.
Let her deal with that mess now. Your free, thank yourself.
I was with an extreme user recently. And stupid not only to get with her, but to allow her to use me.
Now Im glad, after all the pain & lots of it after the fact.
We can judge all we want, but we are all human. Built with the capacity to love, give and recognize what does & doesn't work.
We all need lessons sometimes. Makes us better people.
How is he getting your number if you have changed it?
I have told everyone not to give my number out. That is the decision I make for myself.
You need to make it clear to everyone around you that you do not want him in your life so don't give him your number.
If he is getting your number doing dodgy stuff then you need to get a lawyer to draft a nice letter to Mr & Mrs XXXX telling him to leave you alone or you will take it further.. i.e. the police.
If you don't take a stand you will always be the "victim". Maybe that's what you want?
Actually, I was saying she was probably not a better person, but just more convenient. And money is exactly the kind of thing I meant. She is unfortunate enough to have enough money to attract a man like your ex. Poor thing.
I do not think you are at fault for having been susceptible to manipulation. You have learned to be wary. The trick is to be aware of how some people behave without letting it keep you from loving. You let your brain guide your heart. I know you are still hurting, especially right now, with this fresh round of little torments, but you will heal with time.
Don't plan to wall yourself off from another love. In time, you'll be ready. There's no rush now. Give yourself time to process what you've learned and recover from the humiliation this man put you through. I assume you are still young, 20s? and there are many honorable men who would never behave like this.
By the way, have you been able to get another job? Being unemployed can make a person depressed, all by itself.
QLP- I don't know what he gets by doing all this. He is getting all from his wife then why? I don't have any answer for this. You are right, my thoughts always remain in our good and bad memories. And this is the thing I want to get rid of and I don't know how. I am trying. I just want him out of my life and out of my thoughts.
Vanheart - You said what her wife would think if she knew he is still contacting me. Its going to be a complete surprise for her. Because she doesn't know about our relationship at all. She is not aware of anything.
Kaka - I don't have any idea from where he got my no.
Asking - I am in my mid 20s. I got a job few months back, but then I came to know that he is living near to that place and I didn't join. I was afraid of him. I thought if I join there, he will make my life miserable. I am still looking for work and thinking of relocation. I am waiting for my parents approval over this.
And about any relationship, I am really very scared to get into one. My parents want me to get married but I think I need some time so that I can make myself ready for the person I will marry. Why some other person suffer because of me? And one more thing is disturbing me about marriage and that is how I will tell the guy about my relationship with this man. Should I tell him or not? If yes then to what details. I don't want to cheat on any person by hiding these things.
One thing at a time. Get him out of your life, and heal from his actions to get beyond them. Don't be afraid of him, because he has no power over you, because he knows if you tell his woman he is engaged to, that he is harassing you, it will cause problems. He wants you to be afraid, ashamed, and most of all silent.
When he contacts you, tell him to leave you alone, or his woman will be told, and end the conversation. Don't look back, because he may be a psycho NUT.
Do you have a friend to talk to who can support you?? Talk to you? Listen to you?? That's what you really need right now, a trusted girlfriend, or female whom you trust.
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