JDOP, That was a bad example, but aside from that the final choice is always yours and I may be blunt, I do recognize you have to do what you have to. No problem, just let us know if we can help.

Hi,
I made a previous post here about my girlfriend breaking up with me and supposibly getting back with her ex.
I have done NC for about 1.5 months. The problem is that she lives nearby and we have a lot of common friends. I went to a new years eve party yesterday. I knew she was going to be there too but I decided to go anyway because I felt that I shouldn't let her control my life. When she got there, she ignored me. She didn't even give me a look. After a while my sister went over to talk to her about getting back with her ex. She denied everything, although I know 100 % for sure that they are involved. She even denies it to her best friends.
Later that evening I came across her, I wished her a happy newyear and all and I tried to start a casual conversation. When I asked "how's school" she answered: "is that the only thing you want to ask me?". Then I said "no" and I walked away.
The only thing I tried to do is act normal around her. I didn't want to see her, I didn't even want to talk to her. I justed wanted to be polite. I'm aware that breaking the NC is a bad thing but I really didn't have much choice. I didn't have the intention to get her back by talking to her, but of course, I still miss her like hell.
Is it too soon just to act like normal people around each other?

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Originally Posted by JDOP

Is it too soon just to act like normal people around eachother?

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Apparently it's too soon for her. You made a decent attempt at it and she refused, so you don't owe her anything more. Go back to full No Contact.

JDOP..

Everything is done and dusted here.

Go back to full no contact. It is the best thing for you and her.

I'd continue sticking to the no contact rule. Even if you find yourself in each others' presence, like at this New Year's Eve party, you can casually say "hello" but leave it at that. If she asks "is that all you want to say to me?", your answer should be "yes." Don't worry about if she's getting back with her ex or anything else that may be going on in her life.

I know you're right. But now I'm on the verge of calling her. Not because I want her back (I don't, I don't even think I 'm in love with her anymore), but to say that she doesn't has to be afraid of me (which I think she is). That I'm not really mad at her. That if she wants to talk about it she can do it with me because she really seems messed up now, even more than I am.

Please don't call her. There is no reason to. Because why tell her if she wants to talk about something she can. If she wants to, she will. Your focus should be nothing on what she does or what her actions. Whether she got back together with an ex doesn't mean anything to you. Your focus should be on no contact and getting your life together and moving on. You can still miss her and move on too. You said it yourself you don't want to get back together just wanted to talk to her. It is obviously hard for her so that means keep on going with full contact. And be less available. If you run into her so be it but don't let it consume it.

You mean to say that after all the time and advice you have been given and even finding out for yourself that you need to let go, and move on your still on the verge of calling her to talk? Very hard headed and immature and not the way to start a new year. Spare us the drama and at least pretend like you get it.

I will spare you the drama. Thank god there are still places like this to talk about your problems

Nothing will ever be clear cut and be perfect the way you want. If it was you would wake up every morning and everything you ever wanted would be there for you.Why settle for something that doesn't even want you 100% and has someone else right now? Are you not good enough to find someone better. At least tell yourself you are. Confidence will do all the world for you. My ex is now back together with someone and even though she may still be in love with me doesn't mean anything. I enjoy being single and doing what I want to do. The excitement of being young and having the world at my finget tips is what drives me every day.

I want to make something of myself and make a difference and a woman is not how I will accomplish that. I want a woman but I definitely don't need one. I am just having fun and enjoying life and in no hurry to stop my life for one person. Take that advice and I know you will. The hardest part is telling yourself you can find someone else because your head and heart tell you she was the best thing. But if she was the best she would still be there and sometimes her leaving doesn't mean she never has to be in your life again. Move on completely and maybe at some point communcation can come back but not at the EXPENSE YOU.

It is a new year and a start of something great. You only get one life. And everyday you have the rest of the day to start a new beginning. No matter what happens early on or the mistakes that have happened, you can still start over.

Excellent advice Nohitter, sorry had to spread the rep so could not rate you.

JDOP, listen to nohitter here, all of his comments above really make sense.

Thanks Geoff I really appreciate it

The only advice in that situation I would give is MAKE HER LAUGH!! Tease her - make light fun of her drink, the party, what she's wearing. Act indifferent as well.

You seemed, even in your post, all uptight and insecure. Walking away was pretty bad. IF you can't talk to her then AND HAVE FUN - then what type of impression did you leave with her? Not good.

You should have teased her. You put too much inportance into running into her I bet. Not good for business.

No boring questions going forward. How's school? Can it get any more boring. How about - how are all the guys you're dating? And then smile. Be confident.

AND always - your life is great - having a grea time. Things are great.

Lighten up - be the fun guy.

BTW - I hope you get what I am saying. Do you want to be the fun guy... or the guy asking how's school? Seriously. Time for some changes.

I had a great time that evening, until she walked in (fortunately pretty late). I admit that I was feeling uptight and that I have put way too much importance on seeing her. The thing is though, when I saw her, that I wasn't as heartbroken as I thought I would be. It even made me realize that maybe I'm not even in love with her anymore. She didn't attract me or something. But of course I was nervous, after all, it was the first time I saw her after the break-up. The thing that upset me most was her pretending that I wasn't even there. And when she had no choice but to meet me, she was just plain rude. The reason I walked away was, because when I asked how's school, some girl came up to her and said something to her. I walked away because I didn't want to be a moron standing there waiting until I had her attention. For the record, I don't want her back, even if she asked me to. She is a lying slut. I just want to avoid very awkward situations like this one, because I will see her again. I feel like I'm in a soap opera, that she is creating. I don't understand why she is acting this way and I mean not only at the party but the fact that she is together with her former ex and then denying it to everybody; By the way, she was pretty drunk.

I want to be the fun guy. I AM a fun guy. She knows that as we were a couple. I'm not sonervous anymore about seeing her again. If I bumped into her again (which I will), I think I wouldn't give a sh*t anymore. This situation is this at the back of my head all the time but I'm not going to let it control my happyness and my fun anymore.

Be the fun guy - make fun of her (in a light way) - it shows a lot - that you Don't give a rats azz.

Women can smell fear a mile away.

Thank you for your excellent advice nohitter and wildcat. It really really helped me a lot. I just found out from my friends that she was kissing with this jerk the same night when I was out for a smoke, a half a hour after she denied being iinvolved with him. What is up with that. When I find out about this , at first it feels like being punched in the stomach, but after some time it only feeds my original feelings: resentment, indifference.

Here's another deal... there will ALWAYS be other guys. ALWAYS. Sometimes even after marriage.

You don't care.

Check out our post on 'nice guys' - I a mnot saying you're a 'nice guy' - but there are some great tips that may really, really help you.

Sorry - but she can't help herself - it's a NEW guy and he probably doesn't put much importance into this right now. He's the fun, CHALLENGE guy.

That's the irony :) It isn't a new guy. It is her former ex who never got over her and practically stalked her the first months we were together. It's a joke, that's what it is, a cruel joke.

What's helping me get through a similar situation is the understanding that the person you dated and fell in love with for so long isn't the person she is right now. That person may never come back, and its your job to realize that.

I don't know if it was apparent to you, but judging by the story you told, she's frustrated with you right now. That whole "is that all you wanted to ask me" thing is about your sister. She thinks you put your sister up to your dirty work and doesn't appreciate that. Weather or not you did is up to you.

It sounds to me like you need some power right now, and the less you care, the more power you have. It's hard, even when you still do care, you can't show it to these people. Remember, who you care about isn't her right now. Save it for when the time comes that she comes back to being the girl you fell in love with. If she doesn't, then think of how happy you're going to make some other girl with how much you can give now.

That what I was saying - there are always ex's as well. There are always other guys and as you get older you will have history with several women - and the girl your seeing will have history.

It's not a cruel joke - it's how you handle things - but MORE importantly what you learn!

You're right. New year's eve was a mistake.
The last few months I have learned a lesson that I will remember for the rest of my life

Good - now - throw away those negative thoughts. Bust her chops next time you see her. Do something funny like say - hey your flys down.

You know if you saw her again you could say, "I went to this great New Year's eve party, you should've been there it was great." or in a different direction, "I noticed you didn't talk to me at the New Year's eve party, I must really make you nervous." Say those jokingly not serious by the way. As you say even laugh.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

I know you're right. But now I'm on the verge of calling her. Not because I want her back (I don't, I don't even think I 'm in love with her anymore), but to say that she doesn't has to be afraid of me (which I think she is). That I'm not really mad at her. That if she wants to talk about it she can do it with me because she really seems messed up now, even more than I am.

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WARNING! Things usually end up in disaster when someone gives you sound advice and you answer with I know you're right... but...

There is no but here.

It's not your obligation, right or responsibility to tell her anything. Not that she doesn't have to be afraid, not that you're not mad at her, not that you're available if she wants to talk... nothing.

She knows you, she saw your offering of the olive branch (wishing her a happy new year) so she KNOWS she doesn't have to be afraid of you.

She knows you're not mad at her, come on, you know she knows that.

She knows that you still feel for her and that you would be available in a red hot second if she needed to talk.

If she needs something from you, she needs to come to you and ask you for it, you don't hand it to her on a silver platter. Only through making herself humble and vulnerable will she really appreciate who you are.

You know that she's involved with her ex and she isn't even willing to admit it to her best friends... something is not right. It's almost as though she's with him but is embarrassed of it somehow? Nonetheless, it's hers to deal with, not yours.

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Is it too soon just to act like normal people around each other?

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I think you have gotten your answer and I think its time to forget her and move on through healing yourself with a strict no contact rule and dedicate yourself to you. Leave the negative stuff alone as it will slow the healing process. Good Luck.

Of course she's embarrassed of it, not only is this guy the prototype of a jerk, he was also involved with one of her best friends. I figure they were trying to keep it a secret for not "hurting" anybody.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

Of course she's embarassed of it, not only is this guy the prototype of a jerk, he was also involved with one of her best friends. I figure they were trying to keep it a secret for not "hurting" anybody.

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So she's a two timer not only on you but on someone else. Instead of being depressed about this try to think of how lucky you are to find out now.

Yes. I a way I'm relieved to have discovered her true face. I'm feeling a better person than her. In another way I'm sorry that this is the truth, that good things have to come to an end, especially in a way like this.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

I'm feeling a better person than her.

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Your not FEELING you're a better person than her. You ARE a better person than her.

Before one lover meets another, they do not know one another, if they are known to each other they are aquentances. When the love is gone, aquentances they will become once more.

Move on from this gal. Move on. She is just trouble.

Can I ask how old she is?

She's turning 20 in 2 weeks, I have just gotten to the blessed age of 23. She didn't send anything on my birthday, which was pretty painful

I think I am getting on the right track. Whenever I think of this situation I just say to myself: "whatever". She can do as she pleases. If this is her way to say goodbye then let it be.
It is a lot easier during a breakup to immediately start with somebody else. In my opinion that is just ignoring (avoiding) the pain everybody naturally feels when people part. I believe in karma, what comes around goes around, and she will have her part of this hurt too. Knowing that gives me enough satisfaction to let it go. I don't care anymore

"She didn't send anything on my birthday, which was pretty painful" - says a lot.

Listen - she's too young to really get any type of commitment out of any way. She's out to break hearts at her age - be careful.

Generally - I know this to be true - many women go through their kind of wild girl tage until like age 25. The ones that don't a loty of times do late in life after a divorce. I am not saying every women, but a lot do.

Hi,
Some of you already know my story. To summarize: my girlfriend of 1.5 yr broke up with me about 2.5 months ago for reasons she could not really explain. After a while it became clear to me (through the grapevine) that she had gotten back together with her former ex (a jerk) and that she was already in contact with him even a few weeks before we broke up. As I said, I know all of this via other people since I haven't contacted her since 3 weeks after we broke up. Moreover, she even denies she is back together with this jerk to her friends etc. It is supposed to be a big "secret". I bumped into her 2 times since we broke up. Both times she completely ignored me (not even a look). The last time was only a few days ago. I think this behaviour towards me is very strange. It seems like she is mad at me for some reason, or she is ashamed. Gradually, I decided to not care anymore because she isn’t worth it anymore.
However, a few days ago I received an email from her. She says she wants to talk to me face to face after her exams. To “clarify” things without the exaggerations I have been hearing. I suspect that she just wants to “break the news” to me in an eufimistic way, nl. That she is back together with that jerk. If that is the case, then I really don’t want to hear it, because I already know. She probably also wants to clear her conscience I guess. So far I haven’t answered yet. I don’t know if I’ll answer and what my answer will be like. On the one hand I don’t ever want to speak to her again in my life. On the other hand I think this could be an opportunity to end this chapter with a little dignity for her as well as for me. Any advice?

Hi JDOP, I have followed your progress since the beginning, so here is my advice...

It is probably best not to assume what her motivations are for wanting to talk to you. She has treated you quite badly and if it were me, I would stay well away. She sounds really mixed up and it is best for you not to get caught up in her drama. You have said yourself that you don't want anything to do with her and you already know what has been going on, so what is talking to her going to achieve?

By moving on and forgetting her, you have already got closure. This could set you back if she says things you would really rather not hear. Its up to you but I would stay away!

My gut says to stay away from her and stay on your own path. Even if she wants you back (which I doubt) you don't want her(I hope not, at least) Let her stew and worry about YOU for a change.

Yes, how about not replying to her mail at all or reply that there is no need for any talks . Definitely do not go running to see her.

I was thinking about waiting a few days (a week maybe) and then sending something like "your email has been sent a few months too late".

A part of me does still want her back, but I have brains enough to not take her back if she wanted to (which I doubt as well). I don't think that I don't want her back as much as I don't want her to be with somebody else.

Don't reply to her at all but if she contacts you about then tell her "I've moved on from you and I'd appreciate it if you would take the adult steps to do the same."