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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

No, I'm not trying to minimize her hurt. I can understand what she is feeling. I guess I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and say that if I were her, I wouldn't cut her out of my life and never speak to her again, and I would forgive her at some point.

I just need to be strong and try to get through this as best I can. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll try to reach out to her, or maybe not.

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In a way this is trivializing her hurt. You say that you can understand how she feels, but then you go to say what you would or wouldn't do as though that is what she should be doing. She has to do what is right FOR HER.

She has tried 'your' way in the past and has been in a cycle of hope and hurt. She is trying to do something different this time. Actually giving herself time and space to heal. Do the same for yourself.

Don't try to force the healing or put artificial time limits on it. Telling yourself that you will make it through today, tomorrow, next week... is one thing. Setting a time to try to get in touch with her (even as a maybe) is giving yourself false hope that you (and/or she) will have gotten rid of all the baggage by then. Most cases I have seen that try to set that type of limit are still holding on to a thread of belief that the other person is still coming back. They haven't truly faced the reality of the other person having moved on.

Allow yourself to heal at a natural pace. Yes, there will be ups and downs. It won't be easy, but, in the end, you will be stronger and better able to handle your next relationship.

Well, are you saying I should never try contacting her? I know that its over and she most likely isn't coming back, but is it such a bad thing to want to reach out to her to see how she is doing? If anything, I'd still like to be friendly with her some day, is that so unreasonable to want that?

Is it so unreasonable to leave her alone, until you have healed, and then revisit that issue of reaching out to her??

No, it's not. I'm just not sure what it means to be fully healed.

I am new her but read this story, a few "outside" looking in thoughts if I might. When you lied,you blew it,end of story. When you thought you could read her mind, you couldn't. When you try and place yourself in her shoes ,you cant. I know you loved her but you actions don't say it, and she felt it. So it ends,go your way and let her go hers. I wouldn't want any reminders of a painful break so let her go and NC. As far as fully healed, that takes a long time sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't. Just my .02 input but I see too many "I" in your post, telling me its about you mostly and not her. It should be a "WE" thing if it is to be at all. Am going through a rebuilding now and it is hard sometimes doing the what if thing. We are doing much better ,the main thing is open,honest communications, from our hearts. No bs at all. That leaves doubt and that builds mistrust. Good help here, open you ears and try some. Good luck. I am not bashing nor do I judge you, not my place. In the end it will be you who makes the choices how you live.

I am committed to the TRUTH from here on in. I know that the truth will set me free and being honest will allow me to have a healthy relationship in the future. I know that lying is no longer an option and I've learned the hard way what lying leads to.

As corny as this may sound, I am seriously considering getting a tattoo of the word 'verita', the Italian word for 'truth' on my upper arm, so it will be a constant reminder that the TRUTH is the only way to go.

Do what you want but I wouldn't recommend that. It will always be a reminder if this girl and this situation. You still have so much to live for. Enjoy your life!

If you really want to get the tattoo, do it somewhere more personal so that it is not in your face every time you remove your shirt.

Well, it's crazy how things happen when you don't expect them to. I was just talking about contacting her and how I feel like she doesn't care anymore because I haven't heard from her. And what do you know...

SHE CALLED. Last night around midnight. I was surprised when I saw the call. When I answered it, she told me that her mother's dog had passed away. She was angry at her mother because apparently, she didn't take the dog to the vet and sort of neglected the fact that she was in pain and dying. She feels the dog should have been put to sleep long before this.

She was concerned because we had a dog together, who she still has. My ex informed me that she is indeed moving to Hawaii in the next week or two and cannot bring the dog with her. She wanted to know if I could take it because she doesn't want her mother to take care of him because of what happened with her dog.

Of course I change the subject to us. I ask if she ever planned on talking to me again. She said she didn't want to talk about it as it was too hard for her to deal with right now. I then ask her, "What were you more upset about, the fact that I lied, or the fact that I slept with someone when we were broken up?" She said "Both". This angered me because the only thing she has a right to be angry about is the fact that I lied, she HAS NO RIGHT to be angry with me for sleeping with someone else WHEN WE WERE BROKEN UP AND NOT TOGETHER. It just made me realize that even if I was honest, the outcome would have been the same. She would have dumped me. Honesty wouldn't have even mattered. It is very irrational of her to expect me not to do anything when we were broken up, and just wait around for her, even after she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I had every right to go out and live my life. I shouldn't have lied, but I committed no crime by being with someone else when we were broken up. For her to see it that way just proves she is irrational and just wanted control over me.

I still love her and I am willing to help her out with the dog because I love our dog. I just don't know why she felt the need to call me. Was it just because she needed something? Or did she call because she still cares about me, even though she is hurting badly?

She just wanted the dog taken care of because she is leaving, and doesn't trust her mother.

Amazing how the mind can play tricks on you.

Why did she call? Doesn't this pretty much sum it up for you, "My ex informed me that she is indeed moving to Hawaii in the next week or two and cannot bring the dog with her. She wanted to know if I could take it because she doesn't want her mother to take care of him because of what happened with her dog."?

You're trying to read into everything. False hope just makes it hurt longer.

No, I don't have hope that she wants to come back. I know she doesn't. I just don't understand why she wants to ask me for a favor if just a day ago she was content with never speaking to me again. There are a million other options for getting the dog taken care of. She has other family members. She has a brother. She has friends. She could always give it to someone. But no, she asks me when she knows the place I live in doesn't allow dogs. Why would she resort to calling me first?

Probably because you shared the dog. And how do you know for a fact that she hadn't called other people first?
Go back to NC and restart the healing process.

Yep... million other options. And you analysis every one fooling yourself.

I know it's hard. Try and let it go.

How am I fooling myself? I just said I don't have any hope from this phone call. I know she isn't coming back. However, if I do take care of the dog, that means she will still be involved in my life as she will be checking up on him from time to time.

I know she didn't call anyone else because the dog died around midnight and she called me as she was on her way to her mom's. If she truly hated me, she wouldn't have even thought of calling me.

I'm not saying the call means that she wants me back. She confirmed that she doesn't. All I'm saying is the fact that she called me means she still cares about me somewhat, otherwise, she wouldn't trust me with taking the dog from her.

Please read important information below!

Hey Cristoforo... Ok... So maybe she doesn't hate you. Why would she totally hate you when you both did have good times at once. Bottom line is she still doesn't want a relationship with you. I know her calling you hurts and plays with your mind especially when she calls and you think she mind be changing her mind. You are over thinking and it's pretty normal. She knows a friend wouldn't be too happy to just take that responsibility and she knows you'd do anything. She is desperate to get rid of the dog and WHY NOT HER EX BOYFRIEND? She is leaving you with the dirty work even after you broke up and you agree with taking care of the dog? Time to man up. She is oh so clever. And maybe her mom just doesn't want to take care of the dog. Lots of things to think about. Bottom line is she is leaving you with the dirty work. Plain and simple even though you don't see it. Stay strong. We are here for you!

I will try to stay strong. So are you saying I shouldn't do her the favor of taking the dog? I can't have dogs at my place but my parents said they would take care of him.

Also, what are your thoughts on her saying that she isn't just mad that I lied, but she is also mad that I slept with someone when we were broken up. Is that really reasonable of her? I don't think it is and I really don't see how anyone can justify that as a reason to end a relationship. Yeah, I lied to her about it, that was the ONLY thing I did wrong.

By being single and going out and enjoying my life and the pleasure of someone else, I did nothing wrong. She asked about it, I lied, that's what I did wrong.

To be honest, I'm kind of mad right now myself. To think that even if I was honest from the start, she would have kicked me to the curb. Ridiculous. She is being irrational. If I would have been honest from the start, she should have had no reason to end the relationship.

If you are broken up with someone, and they sleep with someone when you were broken up that is no reason to end a relationship. If you end a relationship over something like that, It means you really didn't love the person enough. And that's how I am feeling right now. If I had been honest and she reacted the same way, it means she really didn't love me enough to make it work. It's not like I cheated on her or did something unforgivable. The only bad thing I did was lie. But that doesn't even matter because she said she is equally angry about both things. Whatever.

If you end a relationship over something like that, It means you really didn't love the person enough. Those are your words... exactly right. She can say she is mad that you one day spoke a bit too loud as well and that one time you forgot to open the door. Bottom line is she can say she is mad about one thing or both or lots of things. Bottom line is you tried. She gives up. Sometimes there are no answers and this is one of those situations. Moving on means to just drop it and leave it behind because you know there are no answers but you care about yourself and you know better for next time. I'd say be glad you experienced something good and look forward to something better now. It will come. Take your time being sad... lay down and watch a movie.

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If you are broken up with someone, and they sleep with someone when you were broken up that is no reason to end a relationship. If you end a relationship over something like that, It means you really didn't love the person enough. And that's how I am feeling right now.

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Maybe that's what you think, but she does NOT, and that's her right to have a different view of things.

If sleeping with someone other than her, is a dealbreaker, whether on a break or not, thats up to her. You can't change what others believe, nor should you try.

What if she had slept with a few guys during the break? How would you have felt? Be honest?

I know I can't change what she believes, but I just think, in my opinion, its kind of ridiculous for that to be a dealbreaker if you really love someone and want to spend your life with them. Cheating, without question, that's a deal breaker. If she had slept with guys while we were broken up, would I be hurt? Yes, at first. But I would be able to get over it if I knew she wanted to make it work and wanted to spend her life with me. My love for her would overshadow the temporary hurt of her sleeping with someone else. She told me she had made out with some guys during our breakup, and I told her I had made out with some girls. She didn't care about that. But it was me having sex with one person that made her so upset.

I'm just saying if you really really love someone and want to be with them forever... sleeping with one person during a BREAKUP shouldn't be a dealbreaker. But that is just my opinion and I can't change how she feels. Who knows though, she is upset about me sleeping with someone, but I'll never truly know if she would have been able to get over that and stay with me because I didn't tell the truth when she asked. Man, that what if scenario just keeps haunting me. What if I had told the from the beginning? I'll never know.

Feeling sad today. My ex's move to Hawaii next week has been confirmed. I saw photos one of her friends posted on Facebook of her going away party and it made me really sad. I called her and left her a heartfelt message about how I will never forget our 5 years together and how I will always care about her. I told her how she would always be special to me because she was the first person I ever really loved. I asked if I could see her and the dog one last time before she moved to say goodbye or if she didn't want to see me, if she could call me back and I could talk to her for a little bit and say goodbye.

Hours passed and I got no response so I texted her asking if she got my message and if we could talk before she moved. She just texted back saying "I don't think so". So I sent her back a text saying that I know she is hurt and that I wish she would realize how sorry I am for hurting her but that it was a shame that after 5 years together and all the time spent together, and after she repeatedly told me she wanted me in her life one way or the other, she won't even give me 2 minutes to say goodbye and wish her well.

I also said that her hating me for the rest of her life won't accomplish anything and that I hope she can one day forgive me and see that there are some positives that came from our time together. About 20 minutes later my phone rang and it was her, but I was just too upset so I didn't answer.

It was probably stupid to contact her, but I just really want to say goodbye to her. I thought I was getting better, but now I am back to square one. I guess I can't understand why she won't give me even two minutes to speak to her.

Sorry, just venting.

She did call... call her back and get your closure and be done with it man..

Don't know if I want to call back. The more I think of it, the more I just think saying goodbye will hurt me even more. I don't even know what it will accomplish. It will probably make me more sad and just set me back even further. I just can't get over the fact that she hates me so much she won't even let me speak to her or see her. I know I can't make her feel a certain way, but I just wish that she could realize how much time we spent together and that even though things didn't work out, there were some positives that came from our time together. I'm just wishing I could get inside her head and find out if she still thinks of me, if she misses me, and if this is just as hard as it is for me. To think someone can switch off their feelings from a 5 year relationship like a light hurts me even more, and that is what it feels like she has done. Although, maybe she is very hurt, maybe she still does have feelings for me, but she has to protect herself from getting hurt, and I guess this is the way she is doing it and I have to accept that.

I'm such an idiot for sleeping with someone else during the breakup, and even more of an idiot for lying about it. I wish I had never given into temptation as a single guy and I wouldn't be in this situation right now and we would be moving to Hawaii together. You live, you learn. Thank God I am going back to see a therapist tomorrow, I really have a lot to talk about.

I wouldn't call her,it would set you back,as you said.
Nobody can get inside her head,but I would assume she's hurting and has chosen her way of dealing with her pain.
Yes,we live and learn and eventually we heal from the pain of a breakup.
Good luck with your therapist tomorrow.

Thank you. I just pray and hope the healing process isn't super long. For some reason, I feel like its going to take me a LONG time to get over this.

Impossible to tell how long it'll take,but actively working on your healing certainly helps.

Making your mind up that you are willing to heal makes all the difference.

The way you're approaching the so called "healing" you're in for LOOOONGGG road ahead.

And what way is that? Could you please let me know what I should do to heal better than I am? I am really lost because I am still in denial and in so much pain. I feel like healing is impossible.

I know it may seem difficult to believe, but there will be a day down that road where you'll be over this. Being lost, in denial, in so much pain... it's natural to feel that way for someone who's gone through what you have.

Sometimes you just need to trust those who have been through that same pain, that same sense of loss. Many of us here are living proof that there is life beyond the present. You're not alone but also you have to be willing to listen to everyone here and try to benefit from this experience - their advice can lessen your pain and allow you to heal faster. Read the stickies if you have not already - many, including myself, have learned by gleaning over these bits of wisdom. Get busy with your life - start acting like you have a life outside of what was your relationship with this girl. Start working out/exercising if you have not already. Find something you've been interested in trying out but never had the time to. There are tons of things you can do.

The road ahead of you is only as long as you make it for yourself. Work on yourself and believe in the healing process and you'll be rewarded. Good luck. :)

First of all, you have to workout... its like a must and not a mini workout... I mean all out workout... I didn't have the greatest body but just after two months with crazy workouts I've seen a big difference. I'm actually going again to the gym tonight. Find a 24 hour gym or whatever is convenient to you. Staying home working out is usually not consistent as its easy to give up - for me at least. Then learn to play an instrument... that would be sweet! I play drums and am in a rock band so I stay busy and I have practice on Wednesday. I know I will be bored on Saturday so I am planning a football/poker party n having 9 people over to watch the Colts play! I love Peyton Manning!! Find things to look forward to.

We had just moved into together and we weren't really getting along, and I didn't like the way she was treating me after we moved in and were trying to get the house organized. For some reason I started to think about all the things I didn't like about her and how she started negative behavior like her mother. I just started to get scared.

You can't ignore these issues... This is simply proof that this is for the best! Accept it... Hawaii is all beautiful which you probably have in your mind. They just have beautiful views by the beach... Surely she won't be there every day. Don't think about it too much. I personally dream of going to Hawaii and won't die till I go there! I can't wait!! But its for vacation purposes so it will be everything I dream of and more... I just need a lot of money because I want no limits out there!!
There's so much to live for! Open your eyes! Take one day at a time. I know its hard. Some points of the day I struggle as well. Some things are just not meant to be.

It doesn't seem like your relationship was that great anyway. You were depressed before, and granted, that may have been your problem alone, but it sounded like you didn't like the position that you were in, and now you are looking through the lens of revised history.

You're going to have to acknowledge that you made mistakes in the relationship, and accept them. The both of you seemed like you didn't communicate effectively at all, you telling the girl (who you are now trying to get back desperately) that you didn't want to marry her and were pushed into proposing to her.

There had to have been a reason for you to say that. That's definitely not something you say in the heat-of-the-moment situation to a girl that you're engaged to get married to. I had to deal with the same thing, only with the girl who was unsure of progressing with the relationship. I tortured myself for awhile over this, but enough is enough.

She doesn't know what to believe, and she's backing out. Honestly, I don't think you know what you really want either. Please, take a good look at your past together, the arguments, and the feelings you had prior to breaking up. Then, imagine your whole like like that. Chances are, it isn't pretty.

Bottom line: She's decided to move far, far away. It is a clear message that she doesn't want anything to do with you. The best thing you can do is just accept the situation, accept your shortcomings, vow to do better next time, and leave it.

The girl also doesn't seem to be leading you on purposely like I have known some others to do. She just wants her dog taken care of and to have some space to sort out feelings for herself. She's not calling you up and giving you false hopes by saying "maybe we'll get together in the future". Or she's not trying to call you to go out on lunch dates like my ex did, and try to string you along. She's moving to Hawaii, and for all intents and purposes, is done with you, probably forever. You can see that as a blessing and a curse. She won't be trying to get back together with you as a rebound (most likely), and won't try to be your friend and meddle with your head. I think she's being fairly mature about all of this. I think you should respect her space and her wish, and leave her alone unless she contacts you.

It's so hard because all I do is think about her, all I do is think about every good moment we had and completely block out any bad moment. All I do is think about what our life together would be like. All I do is think about how I had her back and then completely blew it again. She is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I wake up with the most empty of feelings in my stomach and throughout the day it doesn't really get any better. I barely have an appetite and just feel like I want to die. How do I stop thinking about her and wondering what she is doing and what she is thinking every minute of the day? When will this tortuous cycle of thoughts end?

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

And what way is that? Could you please let me know what I should do to heal better than I am? I am really lost because I am still in denial and in so much pain. I feel like healing is impossible.

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Cristoforo I realize you hurt. But your making mistakes, a lot of mistakes. You ask for advice, we give it, you do your own thing. And that's fine... but then you whine when it backfires or doesn't bring about the result you expect. Yes each situation is different... generally just the names of the people. I hear that and it's usually a cop out to do their own thing.

As pointed out above MANY of us have been through the same situation. We're trying to share our experiences with you so you don't make the same mistakes. Now you have free will to do as you please but when someone indicates it's not a good idea to text, send emails, phone, phone her parents, send flowers, etc... it's probably a good bit of advice. Listen to it, actually think about what is being told to you, it's meant for your sanity and well being.

Right now your relationship is OVER. Say it, OVER. You need to accept that and let her go. Again, this is told to you for your sanity and well being. This will help you to heal.

I know it's over, but I can't help still having feelings for her and caring about her and wanting to talk to her. The wounds are still fresh. I'm sure she will never want to be with me again, but I can't help but still miss her and wish we could talk or see each other. But I am going to let it go, go NC and focus on myself. It's just hard when you are constantly thinking about them and only thinking about the happiest of times. It makes you wish you could turn back time and do everything different.

We've all been there,and it will change, with time for you,too, you will start feeling better and one day you'll be over her.

You do need to keep busy though.
Get out and do things-see friends,even if you feel as if you have to force yourself.

Christo, you need to stop reacting to the future and start living in the present.

Don't worry about whether you ever see her again or how she will feel twenty years from now.

Yes, you miss her. That is extremely normal and natural. It will also fade with time if you allow it to. That is where self-control comes in. When those thoughts and feelings come up re-direct them to something else. It can be anything from baseball stats to how the universe was formed. Just pick something that is completely opposite of where the thoughts were wandering on their own.

Have you put up/given back/thrown out anything of hers that you have left? Putting away things that bring up strong memories can help keep them from popping up all the time. Redecorating can help. Just moving furniture and items around can help change the thought patterns.

Get out and rebuild your life in your image. Find things to do that you wouldn't have done with her or that you didn't have time to do when you were with her. Just stay away from alcohol. The temptation to over-indulge is way to easy to give in to and it doesn't help the situation. Continuing Education classes and community based classes can be great places to learn something and meet new people who have the same interests you do. Getting involved in your community through volunteer work can do wonders to keep your mind and body busy as well as building up your self-esteem.

Give yourself time and patience. Be understanding with yourself. Negative times will occur. Don't dwell on them. Turn around to something positive. You are going to trip. Just keep picking yourself up and moving forward. It will get better if you believe it will.

Yeah, I am trying to keep myself busy and to take my mind off her. I go to the gym a lot and work out which makes me feel a lot better. I'm going on a ski trip next weekend. I'm making sure I hang out with friends whenever I can. I'm seriously considering going back to school to get my Masters degree. All that helps. It just sucks when you are all alone with your thoughts. Another thing that sucks is that where I live is the area I lived with her for the past 5 years. Every day I see the places where we shared our first moments together, every day I drive past the place where we had our first date, every day I see the places where we shared moments together and the hurt keeps coming back. I can't move right now, so I am basically stuck seeing these places. It's hard.