Ask Me Help Desk - I broke up with my girlfriend to only want her back.

Simple answer: focus on the reasons you didn't want to start a life with this woman. Before the break-up and all the immaturuty back and forth, there was a real reason you broke up with her, focus on that, it might help

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Who wants to be a rebound? No one in their right minds, and when a date sees your not in it for the fun, but trying to to get over a bad relationship, they are supposed to back away to a safe distance.

Date for fun, getting to know someone, and pouring out your pain to a stranger, is no fun.

Many who have tried to replace an ex often go thru what your going thru. If you read the many threads here about people trying to date people, soon after a break up my advice has always been,

Talaniman Rule- Never, ever get involved with a person that still has an ex in the picture.

Clearly your ex is still in the picture. Its shows. And not all dates lead to a second one, but for sure if you take it personally, and many fresh from a break up of a long term relationship, do take what they perceive as a failure at dating, personal, (as you do), then you forget the whole purpose of dating, to have fun getting to know someone, not as a solution to a problem. See the difference?

The first few dates are all about paying full attention, and putting your best foot forward. Not an interview for a wet nurse to get over hurt feelings.

Change the outlook, and actions, and the expectations, then you will get different results, as in having a great time. That requires you to let the past go, at least for a while, and get back to living in the fun of the moment.

But I can imagine in your defense, you were caught off guard by her question, and had no time to think your response thru. Because it was clearly to much, to fast. I think it may be more a testament to those you date, than you being ready to date, or a combination of both.

Its quite possible that the females your dating have their own issues, and thats why it pays to pay attention to get the clues that people have their own baggage, and its seldom about you, thats why you don't take rejection as personal.

The best dates though, are spontaneous, and more about hanging out, than the formal dinner type thing. But don't give up because things don't work out to your advantage, make some attitude adjustments, and enjoy yourself, while staying OUT of a relationship for a while. It helps to be a friend, rather than a potential romantic partner.

Talaniman Rule- Date them all, fat,short, skinny, or tall. 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy.

That way you don't get so attached, you lose your perspective of fun. Thats what dating is about.

So explain how my ex can just go to the next dude within 10 hrs of our break up? What is her reasoning behind it and it seems to be going well but she obviously has a lot of resentment and mentioning me in a negative light...

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaffeyjoeblaze

So explain how my ex can just go to the next dude within 10 hrs of our break up? What is her reasoning behind it and it seems to be going well but she obviously has a lot of resentment and mentioning me in a negative light.....

Her anger is probably the reason behind her actions, or a way to vent you from her system. Or both, but despite you were the last one to know she has probably been friendly with a few available guys. That's the danger of long distance relationships.

No one wakes up, and breaks up, so it's a safe bet she has been having those thoughts for quite a while, and since you didn't know, it only seems like it was 10 hrs, and she had moved on. I assure you that's not ever the case.

There have been unresolved problems and resentments between you for sometime.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Her anger is probably the reason behind her actions, or a way to vent you from her system. Or both, but despite you were the last one to know she has probably been friendly with a few available guys. Thats the danger of long distance relationships.

No one wakes up, and breaks up, so its a safe bet she has been having those thoughts for quite a while, and since you didn't know, it only seems like it was 10 hrs, and she had moved on. I assure you thats not ever the case.

There have been unresolved problems and resentments between you for sometime.

Well I know for a fact that she never cheated on me, so that was never the problem. I agree on the venting part, and we had these constant problems for months even with moments of happiness happening every so often...

She says I'm out of her life, but yet she always mentions something about me... I would imagine she still has me in her life even though they are negative thoughts...

You would even know that if you weren't keeping track of what she does and says.

That's the first law of break ups,

Talaniman rule- When you break up, disappear from their lives.

You having been looking back, thereby keeping her in your life. Look forward, and before you protest, I have read all of your threads, and even the advice you give others, (which is quite good), so its only a matter of time that this will be behind you as you both have kept one foot out the door through out this whole thing.

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It was our 3rd time breaking up during a 3 yr long distance relationship

It doesn't take much to know that sooner or later this would be a permanent break up, and part of the anger is she knows you dumped her. OUCH!!

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She says I'm out of her life, but yet she always mentions something about me... I would imagine she still has me in her life even though they are negative thoughts...

You need to stop reading into what she says as meaning something else. She is talking about you in a negative way because she is trying to put you behind her, not because she still loves you. You are doing exactly what she expects you to do, obsessing over her. I wouldn't doubt it if she knows you are. The only way you will make any head way with anything is if you drop this obsessive behaviour right now. Any form of you checking on her is stalking.

Man thanks a lot guys... It just hit me so hard today, I do care for her a lot and wish and hope we can get back together in the long future when we have both grown up and realized the best thing for us is to be together... and both of us are ready for the final commitment...

I admit that this may never happen but I think it has a chance in the future, not next month, not next year, but in a few years...

Ill live for myself now and to better myself... and hope she does the same...

Hello All!

Just an update, I'm doing good even though the guy gave her the 'best gift ever' but something interesting happened today...

she texted me asking me about a costume I let her borrow for a friend's son... so she asks 'im cleaning out my car, I have your costume, do you want it or what do you want me to do with it?'

I bite my tongue so hard and had my work network saying not to respond at all... and I didn't...

I mean it's a cheap costume with no value to me... so why go out of your way to give it to me?

So she texts my roommate asking if I changed my number, and he is like no its probably his phone service at his new worksite, and she asks well I have his costume and I don't know what to do with it... and he is like hmmm well I'll see what he says

how perplexing... not thinking too much into it cause I'm doing really well with NC

Good job-keep sticking to NC and ignore her texts-her problem now not yours!

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

Good job-keep sticking to NC and ignore her texts-her problem now not yours!

But why is she doing this?

Only she knows that-all else is speculation-the thing is it's got you overthinking her actions and that's pointless.
All the whys and what ifs are.

Well I have lost it folks... we got in an argument over Facebook... on a mutual friends page...

Then a friend had us talk and basically she vented how much I hurt her and that I was the guy she wanted to marry and there is no way and there is nothing I could do to get her back, and I said id like to have you in my life somehow when the time is right... she also basically said that she has nothing going on in her life... I was shocked since everywhere she posted that life was good...

Next day I decide to text her about how the kids were she said they were fine, and then she asked me to listen to a song... it was a song about how it was supposed to be me and her and that she has nothing now but the photographs and she can't find a remedy...

Now this is funny to me because she has a rebound guy but I guess its not the same... so I'm shocked and I tell her to listen to a song of mine... she is shocked and I tell her I shouldn't have texted you and she was like it is OK...

So the next day I noticed that her page was on Facebook was not on private and was public and we aren't friends but it could write on her page... also there was no comments from her new guy but a while back a friend told me about a gift he gave her... well she blocked that out from my view... but anyway I wrote a comment on her pic and then deleted it but she saw it in her inbox...

Stupid move on me... and she texted me talking about my comment... and I tell her how I like her pics and how they bring back good memories, I mentioned her half naked pic and how it reminds me of good memories, so she kept asking me what it was and I kept denying her until I finally broke down and said it reminded me of her beautiful naked body and just our sexual acts... she replies 'wow that is too much info, no more' I say 'exactly! That's why I didn't want to tell you, we need to stop' and that was that...

And once again later that night I text her again and she metioned she was just listening to music and I say 'well I won't bother you' she says 'no its fine I'm not busy' so we text and text and we end up getting into an argument because she thinks I'm being mean when I'm just joking... so I call her and I ask why she is mad... she says 'you keep arguing with me' and then she says little things to get on my nerves like 'you can finally go with your friends now and not complain that I don't let you go out' and I shoot back to her...

Just ended in annoyance and that was the last time I talked to her... all thanks to her one stupid song... its like she wants to blame me and make sure I get hurt and then change into a girl who needs me...

IVE STEPPED BACK INTO A COMPLEX WORLD! AHHHH... lol

No Comment

She dragged me in... she set the trap... I was fine and dandy... til the Facebook trap...

Still No Comment

And me to no comment whatsoever.

Like Tal said, NC. Hope it's only a fallback and that you'll get back to healing.

Today I have decided not to play her games anymore... no connection to her anymore... no text, calls, social networking, waving hi, trying to see her kids, no more communication with any of her family or any of her friends... our mutual friends will be in the picture... but only when she is not around and she will not be the topic of conversation...

My support system has told me what to do and to let go, in fact the ex even has given the cold shoulder after she manages to drive me crazy... I GET THE PICTURE NOW! SHE IS OUT OF MY LIFE... ALL AVOIDANCE AT ALL COSTS... SHE BROKE DOWN THE NC RULES FIRST BY TEXTING ME AND I WILL NOT CONTINUE HER TRENDS!

I am on my way to see the world is open and nobody, including her will ever hold me back again from experiencing life!

THANK YOU ALL! I WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED AND I WILL DEFY ALL ODDS... as one door closes, another one opens and of course I won't forget my keys...

I agree with the No Comment and also, get rid of your flipping Facebook! It's the freakin devil in break ups

Good thinking-stick to it.
It'll give you time and peace to heal.

No I isn't deleting my Facebook... I can't loose my friends over her... never that man...

Wow... If you are going to lose your friends over Facebook, you need to get out more. After my break up I went without that crap for 5 months, guess what. My friends still had my number and they called

No I didn't mean literally, but some friends are easier to access through Facebook, not all friends have my number...

I am living a good life now... ill have to give the full story at a later time but I want to thank all of you for the advice... I have met so many women and one in particular that has flipped my world and realized how great life is and how better life can be after an ex...

You're very welcome! Great news that you're feeling so much better.
Stay happy single,date and get to know new people.

No need to jump into a new relationship.. .

Your life shouldn't get flipped when you met someone... It looks like a rebound, make sure to take your time.

No she is not a rebound, we are just friends but we want the same out of life and want to experience a lot of things together... there has been no talk of dating, just enjoying life and reaching our goals...

As for my ex she is in a rebound relationship and from time to time tries to contact me with jealousy and hate but I ignore her and don't respond and remember the better women out there...

I like! As long as it is clear. Even if you are interested in her, take things slow, very slow. You need to heal first.

Your ex is a perfect example why rebound doesn't work. Ex's do what they do, and we do what we do, and it is different things.

Facebook has an option to block someone, it will de-friend them, and your postings on mutual friend's pages shouldn't show up to them.

Take things slow and have a good time. We are proud of you but keep bettering yourself and feel confident even without the girl. Being happy with yourself first will save you lots of heartache in the future!

Thanks everybody... I am taking things very slow now... she wants to hang out with me and experience new things but she just got out of a long distance relationship too recently so we both got to take things slow...

UPDATE:

Wow what a couple of months it has been... went complete NC for a month and my ex called me on some 'lets be friends' stuff and lets have lunch stuff... come to find out her rebound dropped her the day before she called... I let her have a piece of my mind and let her have it by telling her I'm not a rebound and she says she'll never contact me again... which is what I want... im am completely happy without her in my life

I did have to change my number because of her contacting me and her rebound questioning me about her contacting me... im not their relationship counselor...

But thanks again guys... this NC stuff really works people... don't lose faith whether you want your ex back or not...

I am currently getting to know a new girl from work who has the makings of a perfect woman in my eyes but that is another story for another time

Good on you.
And good old NC works.
Good luck and take care.

I really like the girl at my workplace... what do I do next?

We work at the same company but on 2 totally different teams so we only see each other sometimes and chat on our work chat from time to time...

She is very important to her team and is always busy but does make time for small chit chat from time to time...

So on 2 occasions we have hung out together outside of work in a group setting and have spent the majority of each time hanging with each other away from the group almost sometimes exclusively just getting to know each other... so the outside of work meetings do us both well and she has flirted a little bit on each time and so have I...

So at work it becomes a different story because she seems to not want her social life mixed with her work life... so I'm like an exception... so last week she left out of town to go back home for a wedding and still had to work so we hardly communicated and it kind of got to me... I just wondered why she wouldn't talk to me as much... was it because she was back to comforting place and back with family and friends?

But the Friday before she left she mentioned how she still wanted to go to this pub since she is new to the city... but she won't be able to until Catholic Lent is over and I mentioned the pub idea like a month ago so it was reassuring to know she still wanted to do that...

So my question is which way should I go? Ask her out on a date with no alcohol involved or wait until Easter and Lent and take her to the pub she has been wanting to go to?

And am I just jumping the conclusions about the ignores on the chat at work?

She probably didn't talk to you because she was at a wedding and spending time with family and friends!

Just relax :)

I wouldn't worry about this too much. If she didn't want to talk to you she wouldn't make time for small talk or hang out outside work. The ignores on work chat was probably because it was just that "work" chat. Don't get worried if she ignores you at work, it's a vary good idea not to mix personal life with work life. I would say just ask her to go out with you. Have a nice dinner or whatever it is you see fit for a date. The pub idea is a good idea as well but you can ask her on a date before that... good luck

Rick

Interesting... thanks it seems I overthink a lot of actions that are taken...

A friend said to ask her after she gets back because she is refreshed and maybe homesick and need something to get her mind off or just some comfort since she has told a coworker that she is comfortable when talking to me... and that was based off our first conversation...

A lot of times when we overthink things you tend to come off as desperate , just take it easy and let time do it's thing.

Just be wary of the pitfalls of workplace romances before you even think about entering into one , there are many.