 |
Do not give her this kind of power and control of the relationship. If you are not convinced that there is commitment in the relationship, then there is nothing you can do but to move on. Girls are strange in this kind of matter. Best of luck! I'll be available to help you out if you would like.
Good. Keep it going.
Why do I put myself through this? She still calls me everyday... but doesn't know if she wants a relationship? This doesn't make sense why are woman so difficult? And I don't think I can move on without a new relationship anyone else had that feeling? Does it make sense? Confused right now if you can't tell today
Things will change for you when this one thing changes in your mind... when you wake up and realize that no matter what her opinion of anything is, now or ever, you don't want her in your life anymore.
... and mean it.
In that moment you will have your future back. The great unknown actually become bearable because the "what if" that is her won't exist anymore. There won't be a "what if", you will have decided "no what if, I don't want that in my life.".
It's tough where you are right now, but turn it over and look hard at it. Let's say she came over RIGHT NOW and stood on your doorstep and professed her undying love for you.
On what basis could you believe it? Fantasy alone, that's what. That girl is the one who is capable of dangling you along day after day completely carefree about what it does to you. That girl might choose words occasionally that say you're special, but she doesn't believe it. She's shown you that already.
The real girl who is out there ready to adore you and cherish you is being kept away by your current dilemma, so the sooner you take charge again, the sooner you get to meeting her. And she may be several girlfriends away, there may be several chapters to go for you.
So, go to sleep each night knowing you feel badly and be OK with that, because one morning you'll wake up and YOU will have decided this chapter is over. And what a new day that will be.
Til then, we're all rooting for you.
I just wish there was a fastlane to that spot cause right now all I want is her back
So play that scenario out fully in your mind. If you're going to sit there pining after her, pine after her accurately.
"Oh how I miss the girl who sort of likes me. I so miss having someone by my side looking around for someone better than me. I miss how she can take breaks whenever she wants and leave me feeling like a two-bit loser, like I love to feel. If only she were here right now hugging and kissing on me occasionally, that would totally make up for the hours and weeks of uncertainty and emptiness I feel all the time now, even when she's here, because I would hate to have anyone else but her, especially someone who might actually pine after me!? That would be awful..."
Your just plain stuck! WHY??
Because,
You still want her and she knows it.
So she can talk to you anytime because you will be there wanting her.
Because,
The catch is she doesn't want you. She knows that too, by the way. But she can always tell her girlfriends your still wanting her, and your always there when she has nothing to do.
Because,
With little contact, and no effort, she knows your there, and with just a simple word, she keeps you full of false hope that she will take you back. Any attention she gives you is better than none. RIGHT!!
Because,
None of this is her fault, or problem, because as soon as something better comes along, she won't have time for you at all, AND you could have avoided this whole mess by simply disappearing from her life, and getting your own thing to do. Its you who allow you to be her helpless, stuck, hostage.
Because,
But your stuck! And all you can see is getting her back. Your way hasn't worked very well has it? And it never will, so after almost 9 pages of people telling you to leave her alone, and move on, when is enough BS, enough?
How long will you be stuck?? That's completely up too you.
You want to get on the fast lane to happiness, and stop being stuck? Give up on her, and let her wonder where you are for a change.
Stop & listen.
Not only to us, but, what you're saying, and hehehe, everything.
I mean everything in your life. Listen.
If we don't listen, we don't learn. On a daily basis.
Doesn't seem like you know how, or want to.
How about this, listen:
She's gone, you're dumped.
She's moving on, you're not.
You want her, she doesn't want you.
Hmm. What's your question again?
Go NC, buddy. Your life is in front of you, not behind.
She's not your end.
Thanks guys I just don't want to have any regrets or what if's.
Dude I have gone through this! I hate the fact my ex has moved on but I realized that my relationship with her was dysfunctional and unhealthy and just not what we both needed!
Seize the opportunity now! I can't remember how many times I wished I was out of the relationship and I finally got my wish, hated it, but now I'm starting to love the idea!
The adventure of meeting new people, no worries about an insecure girlfriend, always arguing, etc! Life is only beginning my friend!
Also think about the negative what ifs! What if I stayed and my career never got on track? What if I kept her and I cheated on her?
See what ifs can go either way...
Yes, you do. Regrets and "what-ifs" are just another word for growing. I think you just don't want to feel this pain, the natural "ouch" of this stage... and again, yes you do.Quote:
Originally Posted by howareutoday134
This is how we learn.
This girl was not your dream girl, she was your most recent experiment and you have learned quite a bit. One of the things I hope your learning is that your personal feelings for a girl don't actually correlate directly to how good a "match" you are.
You feel about her the way feel, you have little if any control over it. This is why "bad matches" make such good movies... it's very dramatic and entertaining to watch, and a nightmare to live it.
No, good matches aren't made solely on the heart and what it pines for, good matches are made by dedicating yourself to only settle for the person who gets you, accepts you, bolsters you in heart, mind and spirit.
That's the girl you're going to meet. I promise.
That's a pretty bold statement don't you think?Quote:
Originally Posted by JBeaucaire
Not really.
Dreams vs. reality. (waking up)
You just haven't learned yet. Use this.
And yes, don't ever settle, use your gut & feelings from now on. Not needs or expecations.
If this was right, then you wouldn't have an ex. For whatever the reasons.
Remember that.
It could still be right people do get back together you never know
Yup, you never know.
But what are you going to do? Wait around? Play the lottery.
If you really want to look into the future, go NC and take a look at yourself.
One that doesn't need someone to define their existence.
The "dream girl" part or the "you learned quite a bit" part? Cause I stand by both!Quote:
Originally Posted by howareutoday134
Hehe, the last thing you want is advocates who answer back with platitudes and half-committed cheerleading.
Yes, absolutely, bold and confident. The best way to be.
I know she isn't your dream girl because most people use that term wrong anyway. They think it's someone in their future or their present.
No, your dream girl is the girl who has already stood by you over the years, faced the good and the ill the world has thrown at you two and never wavered. Your dream girl is the girl has done the time, fought the fight, and still brags to her girlfriends about you.
"Dream girl" is something that has to be earned, and you'll know what I mean someday. I celebrate my 25th anniversary with my dream girl this coming March.
And trust me, when we were dating and first married, we weren't "dream anything". Hehe.
Yup. You haven't found it yet. That's all right.
But you will.
With recognition, adjustments and awareness. Not fantasy.
BTW, Happy 25th JB. Nice.
Well just had another wave of depression hit me about an hour ago :( I just want someone to love even if it isn't her
Do something besides wallow in your depression. It will pass if you let it. Those feelings come from self pity, and an idle mind, so get up and get busy.
I know your right Tal just trying to get it through my thick skull
Those waves will come & go.
It's a matter of how you ride them.
The more you wallow, the more you will get in the habit of wallowing.
Everyone wants someone to love, connection & a warm body. But healing & discovering will help you find someone who is right and vis-versa.
(ie: not making the same mistakes over & over)
Never settle for just someone.
Yea the problem is I still honestly believe that she wants to work on us because this is what she tells me and I guess that is what I need to get over... but for some strange reason that I could never explain on this message board I just have a feeling that things are going to work out... and I'm sure ill be called crazy for this and what not.. and I know that since this is the path I've chosen that I just need to stay off the boards... becuase I don't deserve to get advice if I'm not willing to listen to it
What she tells you? Good one, considering she's already gone.
If she wanted to work on your relationship, then she would have had the ability to do it while you were together.
You can listen to her, listen to us, whatever.
Someday, hopefully, you will truly listen to your gut.
My advice is to have no contact, heal & move forward in your life without her.
But, if you want to live in a world of pain, hurt & indecision, that's entirely up to you.
Yeah, let her date a few other guys & figure it out. See if you are really her dream guy.
Words are great. I love them. I love the way they can say anything and one letter can change the whole meaning of a sentence. Words can describe the sunset or explain how to upload a picture. They can express the deepest love, tie the strongest bond, and show the most heart-felt sympathy. However, the full strength of words lies not in them but in the actions that back them up. The sun has to set to have someone describe it. Someone has to upload the picture for the words to prove their clarity. Expressed love and sympathy are meaningless if the person expressing those emotions abuses the other person. The bond can be easily broken if it isn't written down.Quote:
Originally Posted by howareutoday134
All I can give you are words that are easily dismissed because only I know how much I care about helping someone who needs it. The only actions that I can give to back them up are to read, give advice, and, virtually, to hold out a hand and offer a sympathetic ear to listen.
She seems to be giving you a lot words. Has she given you any actions?
The best advice that I can give you is the same as everyone else: Live your life. Whether she is in it or not, no matter what words she gives you, regardless of what actions she takes, you need to live for you. What you do to help you heal from the break/break-up will help you make a stronger foundation for ANY relationship you are in. Healing is something that needs to be done for you and not what you wait on the other person to do for you.
Letting go and NC would be the easiest way to give yourself time and space to deal with the lingering issues of trust and doubt, however, you seem intent on holding on. Since that is your choice, don't worry about what she wants. Don't sit around waiting for her to call or text. Go out with friends, get more involved with your community, school, or work, do things that make you feel better for you. Work her into your schedule not the other way around. She is the one who wanted the break/break-up. She is the one who wants her desires and timetable adhered to and hasn't appeared to take you and your life into consideration. IF you do get back together then you can WORK TOGETHER on rebuilding what has been lost.
Cat that was a really moving and inspiring peace of advice. I appreciate the time and energy you put into writing that and I think I understand what your saying thanks again
Hey talk quick question did you make this quote yourself or is it someone else's I think its great Life throws tons of obstacles at couples, if you two are built for greatness, you conquer them together. If you two aren't meant for greatness together, you conquer them apart.
Stolen shamelessly from Romefalls, a valued member, and friend.
Any idea where they got it or did they come up with it themselves?
So when will I know when I'm ready to start dating again?
When your ready for fun, and not looking for romance.
When you want to, but don't need to just to be happy.
When you're happy with yourself, and your life, and want to share it with others.
When your really enjoying doing your own thing.
Then you'll know if your ready or not.
Isn't it odd that when I start to care less about the whole situation she decides to care more? Maybe not maybe its just her way of holding on to me
It's called playing games-dont fall into that trap.
Yea she seemed genuine though but I'm not going to take it serious and just keep doing what I've been doing
Way to go-its your life, and live it well.
I think I've survived this blip with my dignity in tact
Good, now go NC.
And rock it.
Keep your head up high and realize there will be 'blips'. You now know that you can survive them. Good luck working on your life. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by howareutoday134
That's good, you're doing well, stick to NC. :-)
Hello,
I know no one ever comes back here after the fact and tells their story so here it goes. Take their advice to heart whatever the other person says is always for their benefit not yours. Run away as fast as possible and stick with no contact because it will control your life. I personally have moved on and found a great girl that cares about me and respects me and with whom I'm going to marry. For all of you out there who are going through a similar situation my best advice is run run away and stick with no contact its not worth the pain and suffering I went through. Hope this tid bit helps someone
Glad you found better for yourself, and thanks for the update.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:17 AM. |